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June 26 - Day #5 I saw my psychologist today, and it went pretty naturally. They finally want to record a timeline of life feelings as opposed to just events for reference, so the second half of the hour was focused narration. I know it's not like the world now desperately needs more of my 'story' out there, but in the clinic there apparently is some now. Great 🤪 But I staggered back outside feeling secure, which is unusual. Last night I had a demotivated feeling that I just couldn't work out, and I signed in for an hour of 'ghost-busting'. The only negative that came of it was briefly the old kind of rumination. I still don't think going to bed early depressed was the better option. The feelings passed within minutes, and while I didn't study the last two chapters of the road user's handbook, I've since almost finished all ~1400 pages of IT, over 1.5 weeks. 'Kids... The magic exists.' Today called for another weighted walk around the park for some green and sunshine. There were two ladies with 2-3 nice dogs each, and two male youths kicking the footy for a bit - a balance in the shared space, plus other less-conspicuous people on foot. Later for my part, I subscribed to a new daily job site alert email in my last predicted waking hour. It had to be something done on my own - chores too, I guess. ______________ Gratitude: ~ none of the many small 'bad omens' came to full menace-level bad ~ remembering to buy food in the quiet hours ~ everyone doing work on the true job grind, like the psychologist's ~ a painless 1-page written journal entry this morning to take to the session No ghost-busting tonight necessary, with nothing to avoid except what I would call undue force. Good luck all, Matt  

I think I am inclined to agree with you in the big picture view, but the main issue lies within the identification of oneself as a problematic consumer. Having a problem is a problem; it doesn't matter if it's imaginary or real. This self-identification got us here in the first place (and rightly so); many of us just had an unhealthy relationship with games, played for hours and turned our lives around. For me, it was definitely the right move to self-identify as an addict five years ago. In my case, the problem I have with porn is that I am somewhat out of control when I do it. Maybe the problem is not that I am "out of control" (maybe better said spontaneous?) by itself, because maybe it's something I need to be from time to time. It also probably has some influence on my relationship with my girlfriend. But the really annoying part it is that I really don't know for sure. The anti-porn course I've been going through is designed exactly for the people who spend hours every day with terabytes of porn on their HDD. I can empathize with that, as I went through something similar five years ago with gaming. However, I'm really not in the place of "For start, think of three beneficial activities that can improve your life." anymore.

Entry 24.6 ( Written on 25.6) Day 634: No Useless Videos Day 633: Sticking to Food schedule Day 235: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 226: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well no matter how small -Because I ended up in a serious delay from the last conversation, coming home quickly and sleeping on floor , to maintain he getting into bed before 20 10 habit. Then waking up at 22 to finish up the evening routine -Calling document approval service, calling police crime recorded permit place -4 pomodoros... I 1 thing I could do better -Instead of dozing off calling police commissary in pain to see if the IDentity number request arrived,,,

I don't think porn is a cause, but a consequence of a less active lifestyle. I've been using porn for years as some sort of escapism. Sometimes multiple times a day. But I've never been addicted like these guys who watch hours of porn PER DAY and have terabytes of libraries on their HDD. This is what you should be worried of. Not the usual testosterone kick that comes and makes you horny. Because this, is just some sort of natural body response.  On the topic of viewing women as objects, I don't also think porn makes you this way unless you really are a problematic consumer. This sounds a bit like feminist propaganda and trying to be more attractive to young women that also hold these views. And listen, on this topic, women mostly don't understand because they don't have testosterone like we do. No resent, it's just the way it is. Funnily enough, there are studies out there showing that male to female trans experience a huge decrease in libido when taking hormone therapy. Reverse is also true for female to male. This tends to show that our hormones really have such a big role in these needs. It's not all, nevertheless, it's a big part of it. You shouldn't be ashamed of what signals your body gives to you.  The problem here might be more inexperience. I remember before having my girlfriend how insecure I was around women. I've dabbled with the idea that porn was the problem, but in reality it was just me not having a girlfriend when I was younger that made me feel so insecure around them. Now that I know people I like can want me, can desire me, can love me back, and that also they can't if they don't and that it's okay because there is plenty of "fish" anyway, I can speak to girls so easily. I don't see them as "just bodies", and I make most women comfortable because, well I'm comfortable having or not having a sexual relationship with them. The ambiguity doesn't bother me anymore. In fact, I've never been so successful with women now... Also, the porn industry is so large, you can't really make that big of a generalization. If you watch "amateur"/self-made models, which is basically most of what you would find today if you're consuming free porn anyway, then there is not really any abuse, mostly. You have the OnlyFans pimp thing nowadays, but it's mostly just financial arrangements. For studios, this is different, but this is also a different business model and you would have to pay, anyway. Most girls don't do more than 3 videos anyway because the industry disgusts them. The ones who stay are conscious of everything, even the drugs and in a way like this lifestyle. In the end, sexualizing others is not a big deal as well. What I mean is, we have bodies; we find some features attractive in some bodies. That's ok. There is nothing wrong with that. Where it's wrong is if you allow yourself to touch these bodies without consent/be creepy. It just seems to me you're very sex ashamed. The problem is that denying your libido won't make you more powerful, more pure, more of a good person. Engaging with it fully won't also. Aim is not to become a sex maniac. But to have a healthy relationship with it. Not be disgusted by it, not be obsessed with it. Just accept it's a part of life and human relationships and that it's not actually a big deal. I don't say you should watch porn, because I consider it as a waste of time anyways, and have better to do with my time most of the time. But unless you really watch hours every day, I wouldn't work actively on this as a problem worth solving. Priorities.

You know what they say in Alcoholics Anonymous?   Focus on not playing today. Stay sober, focus on what you can in life, which is what is right in front of your eyes.  I think you're on the right path. Someday, shit might hit the fan, and you might want to remember why you didn't want to play in the first place.