One game, since right before I was a teenager. It was at first a fantastic pastime and a way of discovering over and over again what I could and couldn't control (reliably). Possibly any curious-enough person could guess the name of it (it would be like saying 'Voldemort' out loud when out amongst people who've feared a same or similar thing for years, at pain/risk of death - just a little), but I would not recommend at all that anyone start playing it now as a newbie. At times, I've been completely lost in it. On ADHD, to frequent re-assessment (but not quite regret), I recently ignored an acquaintance who owned up to having a cocktail of conditions, including ADHD. It was a disturbingly consistent lack of preambles and affect (reactivity - even in kind words) that blocked out a lot of the light that would have helped people to see him better, I think. But to his credit, I couldn't conclude that he hadn't spent most of his life trying to be better, fit in and take care of himself and others - to do what he could. For me, it was unhealthy to keep using my brand of encouragement to make him try in an obvious way (it could have got him a girlfriend, you see, which he clearly wanted/needed).  ^-> I guess what I'm getting at is that ADHD might be one thing that is more worth trusting a medical team to help remedy with you, with talk or medication, rather than symptoms of the internet that a lot more people might share. As for having a way with words, well, I've mainly wanted to provide novelty with my points of view so that people get more out of their periods of reflection as they read/listen. It was done for me, in fiction novels (and by nature), so why not give back where it's most comfortable? Again, one thing I've heard from tolerant people is that people with ADHD 'have no filter' - like enforced honesty, forthrightness, and perhaps obsession. I don't know, my symptoms there are usually under control over time. The posts you make tend to have numerous insights as well, and sometimes eerily so! 🙂 While it pays a ton to know yourself, knowing the effects/appearance of your behaviour/choices when not locked into a game, or even work, could be underrated for many. Until next post, ~ Matt    

Watching a couple of these videos has got me wondering if I have ADHD. It's been circling in my mind for quite some time, but it feels like I can see myself more clearly than ever before. Probably because I've taken a step back from so many less productive activites lately and dared to confront myself with more than just the video game issue. I'm gonna see if I can get an appointment soon and get some professional input. I'm open to anything at this point, as I feel more lost than ever in whoever I'm trying to become. I just can't seem to understand how to set my boundries properly, beyond the obvious stuff.  On a sidenote, I really like to read your well put answers. You have a way with words that speak a lot about your deep insights and your literacy skills.  I'm curious btw, are you struggling with one specific game or several? 

Time for a mid-year check.  I've been struggling with some relationships and gave it till mid-year to tide over.  The changes I hoped for did not actualize, requiring contingency plans. Struggling with motivation has been a constant in my life, alongside staying committed.  Even if my relationships don't improve by reaching my goals, I might develop more independence.  I used to believe dopamine was an obstacle, not a tool. Namely, I thought it surfaces after events happen, not drive their fruition. I am more compassionate to myself regarding it, realizing it's neither inherently good nor evil. I've also discovered that comfort isn't bad when derived from self-care. (Proper meals & grooming) External progress might not be evident yet. However, I am relieved to no longer be at odds with myself.  If I stay astute, progress might be smoother than using brute force. 

Monday midday: The last two times I caught the flu, in 2022 and 2023, I actually read Stephen King's 'The Stand' those two weeks - a fiction novel about a 99% deadly super flu. No one actually said it, but I surmised that at least a few thought that was madness or torture to do. I however, found it peaceful, knowing that a writer could come up with and sustain a story like that, during ill health or otherwise on their own. Somehow, if the flu had finished me off, I would have had all of those endearing fictional characters in mind, and consequently may not have minded; I was already sick and either destined to recover or not recover. I did get better though, and the first two gym workouts and walks after it were like the first breath of life. Basically, a lot of things, even health, could be said to involve doing things that could be considered madness. I've got Harry Potter 5 still 1/3 read (and there are very few surprises now), as well as 'Outside the Gates of Eden', which to me has been honest but shallow/not poetic enough. 'The Stand' was fantastic, not only for its story and characters, but also because I had my Dad's hard-cover copy both times. I imagined he or my mum holding and reading it in other hours of solitude. Now I know I could probably buy my own paperback copy after a 15-20 minute walk, and try to 'level up' on that book and re-live at least one year when all I wanted to do was be healthy again, but would it liven me up for another week and keep me away from games? (I didn't have the heart to pursue any goals except reading/eating/texting at the time). Did I give up games at a time when a copycat version and a former ally let me down on numerous counts, or did I simply sense madness setting in? Again, now I've come to it this past year or two, a lot of things have seemed mad - traffic, hostility, repetition, and my own regular experience of my condition. I did just finish watching 'Planet of the Humans' on YouTube - Jeff Gibbs - and his closing line was 'if we don't get ourselves under control', then.. *cue devastating ten-minute scene*. What I find when reading 'the right book', like The Stand was, thrice, is about 3x as many things and plans are considered in my mind, all behind the double-safety of a cluster of pages. Yes, whenever there is senseless loss detailed on those pages, I've put them aside for a few moments and demanded of thin air that 'the story' be 'less f'ed up', but I forgive it eventually. I think that could be an important ritual, finding mental limits safely in such a manner. There's nothing quite like looking at a person I don't know, and finding that I accept the data of their appearance as openly and readily as a cautionary or even visionary tale. What matters is that I feel calm when that happens. Too much of my favourite game runs on chance, and while the psychological translation of that in the offline world can mean acceptance of deviation from the usual phrases and movements in conversation (at the gym, say), you could say that I still find that a little bit mad. I flatter myself that I've tried being a robot, and has sometimes worked in my case.  Maybe it depends on what I ought to be mindful for - because I've come to really dislike forgetting why I've done certain things, such that it's like a value to uphold as much as possible in individual life. I may need the right words from a book or a calm speaker, but madness is like being unable to ever choose between familiarity and upsetting new information: wanting both, at the same time, always. 'The Stand' almost delivered each of them, with its characters versus their particular story. But finding those books/people is the hard work that, for some reason, it's like I'm meeting resistance in the search. The flow of reading and planning seems to be elusive. Planning is becoming almost non-negotiable, like fairness or kindness at the moment. Today, I compromised between jogging alone/asking my Dad to join me, after our miscommunication last week, and walking - a 90 minute walk with 60% music. But finding the joy of the world turning beneath my feet and pacing quickly and steadily over it on a jog, I didn't end up experiencing. It has flow-on effects, if at the same time life tolerates you as a whole person. 😄  Lots to think about, but at the same time, things are moving along anyway. Peace, ~ Matt Gratitude: ~ Sweating in warm winter weather ~ Really enjoying the music playlist I spent 2 hours adding to, one night, months ago  ~ A friendly dog and happy parents with children ~ Recognising when I could be about to trap/trip myself up in an activity

Entry 6.7 Weeks until average life expectancy: 2771 (80th birthday) Day 172: No Useless Videos Day 1004: Sticking to Food schedule Day 607: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 155: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 75% effort long run 2h 50m despite high sleepiness - 4 pomodoros - Writing an overview of all the options of open junctions to Veronica 1 Thing I could do better - Print daily food plan pages Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 172