Thursday morning, day 2: I removed the game launcher and files (again), making the shameful/desperate act of visiting the website, clicking for the download (tailored to computer type, somehow) and re-installing once more a barrier. But what made me want to type was remembering the period of time when I'd spent 2-4 weeks being productive in a solo manner towards my degree, and then losing heart - only maintaining lifting, work and gaming. Back then, I had trouble telling when enough was enough, and a couple of workouts in the gym found me thinking that I was being glared at for trying too hard. One of those times, I screwed up my face mid-set at someone in their middle-age passing me with a look on his own face, so as if I was guardedly saying, 'Yeah, this is maximum effort; what of it?' I guess I mean to ask whether naturally, we all gradually find out what life simply won't let us get away with, even if it's towards growth. I told someone I'd be back at the gym today, and was undecided whether I'd try a similar workout to the one I was doing above, all those years ago (a favourite), or my standard targeted one, which I've also been missing. I was worried because I was on the verge of not caring, as long as I went, which proved unsuccessful on Tuesday. But 48 hours ago, I hadn't reached peace with the idea of not game-playing, or finished entertaining myself at the same time to distract from the problem of it. I aim to kind of read/meditate more before heading out, and I have another to-do list. For now, I am grateful for restful sleep, unhindered reading, and enough milk to spare until later. See y'all soon, ~ Matt

Entry 8.7 (Written on 9.7) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) Day 174: No Useless Videos Day 1006: Sticking to Food schedule Day 609: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 157: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 4 hr bike ride in the direction of mount "Ojo de orgeg" - Writing the majority of the review of the double driving lesson - 2h and 15m or so of German learning 1 Thing I could do better - I guess the tax authority is a bit baffled by what I wrote and do not reply regarding whether tosend them the fixed report or the original. I guess I just need to send the fixed one and see what happens, since meanwhile the clock is ticking... Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 175

Entry 7.7 (Written on 9.7) Weeks until average life expectancy: 2770 (80th birthday) -Fixed bike breaks and got a tube with anti puncture liquid -Done summaries for all the driving lessons -Began a free trial of the StoryLearning course and finished the Goethe Trial Day 173: No Useless Videos Day 1005: Sticking to Food schedule Day 608: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 156: Being in bed before 23:15 3 Things I did well, no matter how small  - 75% effort long run 2h 50m despite high sleepiness - 4 pomodoros - Having planned to wake up at 4 30 when I saw I do not manage to sleep at 20 00, rather at 20 53 (Last bite of food was at 16 53 so I allowed myself to be in bed at 20 38, so that I may fall asleep at 20 53 - calculating that it takes 15 minute to fall asleep 1 Thing I could do better - Leave a wider buffer for dinner to finish eating 4 hours before bed time Gaming (Death, Slavery, Regret, Disease) - 5 Yan (Life, Individuality, Freedom, Purpose, Self-Fulfillment) - 173

This is a bit of a risk, but I was reading and my brain hovered over something about sales tactics and general persuasion. If I've suggested sincerely, as my only piece of advice, that if a list of advantages is longer, outweighs or are substantially better than the list of disadvantages, a person should, or even must proceed - I still have doubts whether I could ever have meant it. Because there are needs I tend to have when it comes to convincing, like perhaps a well-and-fairly-fought battle being lost, in person, over a factsheet, in ordered company. I don't know, something like that. If it seems unfair, or to a lesser extent, inconsistent, I'm unlikely to properly participate. I would have some regret if I knew for certain that AllanJC/OP (here) read one or more of my posts this year and thought, 'F this, red flags and small bits of advice don't work on this Matt/Wheatbiscuit character', but I don't know. It just seemed plausible. I also however desire caution against the 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' line, when it comes to various communities. It would surprise me if Allan was gaming right now, to be honest. Rather, there probably are a few other places where decent education and skills would do better. Have you ever seen The Simpsons' AA meeting, where a character keeps a liquor bottle inside his shaped bible interior? If I could clearly see myself in that way; 'Yikes', indeed. No, I tried a small cost-benefit list everyday before signing in, but just didn't write it down. The difference is using those lists for serious personal gain, and what is being weighed against. I don't have all of those answers, but no one individual does, I think. That's why I've posted here at the same time as playing that game. Godspeed, all.

Wednesday morning, day 1: I spent the rest of yesterday reading. Now, I've had a solid sleep. But I think there's a problem, without the promise of any kind of genuine play (offline or online) - things like jogging and lifting, where I've tried almost everything, don't really count. They're productive. I simply forgot everything that was on my mind (except the lingering feeling of relief/guilt I last mentioned re: gaming), and seem to be left with only (the choice of) anger at things that, with my current routine and strategies, probably won't be solved. -> Things like sleeping for more than ten hours (probably medication soothing into that), relationships that won't progress because of a lack of willpower/social energy reserves. Edit: I apologize; I pleaded for more posts, you delivered, and I stayed grouchy too long - maybe it was delaying bed-making.  Another thing about my game was that no one was forced to do anything (only strongly compelled/psychologically lured). I lasted 2-3 years on it before I fell in love with an image of my character with an achievement, and thought about (then went ahead with 😞 one, and then more months spent doing the exact same thing in almost all of my spare time). Before yesterday, that was going to be 2 weeks obsessively and then 1 or 2 more months semi-obsessively. And the compulsion is barely there; it's just habit. The worst/best part was choosing content that made me think little to nothing about those parts of the game, making the whole ordeal mindlessly addictive, while still letting me progress with homework and sport. There hasn't been a lot to look forward to after I finished my 2023 90 day detox, unlike 2022 when I was 'studying' my hobbies, and could reminisce with the other students, then have enough on my mind to go and blow off steam on the game. The homework made me worry then, and if I felt I could have done all of it immediately, and have no study for the remaining 3/4 of the semester, I would have, but for social/relationship/life problems that I wanted to self-soothe about. We just can't have it all, can we? Is it fate for everyone to do/say a bunch of things carelessly, and then have to apologise when someone having a not-as-good-day pulls us up on them? Maybe when we're all forced together. Over.  Edit 2: I haven't gone and huffily deleted the game launcher on my computer yet, and all I had to do was stare at it for 10 seconds, picture the recent activities and again feel the previous days slide by to turn away, and own up to that here. I've been walking, after getting texts (some of them one-sided) from my Dad, about 'dropping some things off' to me, as if I knew I would benefit from that, and went the whole walk without checking my phone - which was good, because all I missed was a fake compromise and self-thumbs-upping. Well, I expect a visit anyway, because I said 'sure, this afternoon', unless I say/make it a no-go. Hopefully my non-care at the vagueness and convenience of it for him isn't a problem. Something @WilderDaze said earlier about online and offline personality, I let bother me while in the bathroom. Before I go there, it's interesting, the mere fact that I could be bothered by such a euphoric and growth-detailed post. It's like from the moment I realised there were rules in life, often repeated by family, I kept feelers out for 'hackneyed' narratives, and allowed myself to turn away or cringe, instead of try to work toward genuine agreement. I get the same deal, if I'm honest, when communicating, we say 'yeah' instead of 'yes' - one implying 'time to relax, in agreement', and the other, 'yes, I agree, but this is largely not a finished product/deal, yet'. ^-> Back to point, for sure, I stopped/toned down this disagreeable personality in order to fit in online. At the same time, constant conflict/dissatisfaction is incredibly tiring - but it's what makes me excited to 'tackle' a new day. I fancy I've seen, and even lived two extremes of timidity and the fully oppositional, so that I might be able to resume grinding away at real life, and settle for stability. It's just that, what with jumping-up-and-down outright accusations of personality-failure ('toxic/narcissistic/avoidant') at so many turns, I am derailed into rumination when there's actually nothing specifically relevant to my life. That's what I've been making (or trying to make) progress with upstairs as I do regular things. But allow myself to be 'that guy' who advocates straight-forward solutions again, and offline instead of online? Double-tough. I've seen what it has done to a few family members, and it's hard to see it as worthwhile. But if our communities and news outlets even slightly benefit.. well, maybe. Day 1 Gratitude: ~ The peace of mind that comes (and somewhat lasts) from not getting up early to fit in gameplay ~ Seeming recognising facial expressions that say 'this doesn't matter to me' and relishing my still-available choice to treat a scene differently ~ Reading and re-reading for more details ~ Water Peace, ~ Matt