I don't know myself, but I think every relationship is different in this aspect. If the dynamic is set correctly and both parties agree, then there's not much to disprove. To expand on your safe space idea: my girlfriend can be angry and happy (at the same time!) about the qualities that I have to make her safe space "happen". It really depends on the context.

June 13 - Day #0 I want to start sharing how I'm beating back games and erotic material once again, with a day-count, that either increases or resets back to 0 with an honest explanation of why and/or how. Yesterday was something like a day from hell, but one that I said here was foreseeable if I made explicit gaming goals. I didn't even play yesterday, but it was on my mind like before - trying to arrange important duties around 'golden hours' I might spend online playing. This morning though, I had the choice to complete the 2-minute weekly gaming task which I was notified of, instead of starting a 1 hour+ session. It was a good attempt, and I signed out immediately, extremely grateful that those 2 minutes satisfied me. If I still had a child's faith, I would have called that 'holy intervention' or something. So what ended up being today's 2-minute resignation was the thought that 'I don't want to be anywhere but at my desk messing around online.' I should have come straight here, but I was afraid of shame. Bring on the next 'clean' day. ________________ This morning, I finished reading Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows. It's easily the darkest and most 'grown up' of the series, due to the themes of death, survival and stuff. I realised that when I read the part where Harry marches voluntarily to what he thought was his death and felt scared within myself, that I'm in a problem space once more. I didn't have my 'objective self' or whatever seemingly available telling me strongly enough that it was 'just a story' and 'we'll be at the gym soon'. I didn't quite believe that the way I did and was excited to do during my detox last year. Going back to mindfully choosing daily activities, and not hanging on for my next dopamine hit, - which even if I'm sick of the actual phrase, I'm definitely coming to believe in - if not always leaning into discomfort/pain as I did as a teen/virgin, could work again. I miss thoughtfully picking up a textbook out of mild boredom, being awoken by a productive thought and jumping out of bed or doing some cleaning, like I did for April-May last month.  _______________ There are some accompanying problem definitions surrounding giving up these 2 things. 1) Gaming - Should it include any kind of competition? I think of even simply overtaking people on the footpath, and how both either increasing my pace or trying to make the situation social/'fun' by saying something like 'big unit, coming through!' Should it include racing against time, and thereby perhaps accidentally mismanaging people to reach goals - which invites banter and other things I mightn't be able to deal with? Should it include anything recreational that has guidelines or rules, with the consequence of being excluded for not following them? Or will I just simply know in my gut when I am escaping from a situation that could provide valuable learning to me and by extension, the community? 'Leaning into pain/discomfort' is perhaps relevant here. I don't know, because eventually we all have to sit and eat/drink/talk. How much should I be racing against the clock versus letting my conscience guide the way? 2) Erotic material - Look, I'll say it - just like after accomplishing a lot of work and eating/drinking/talking afterwards for however long, I think almost everyone needs 'release' in the spirit of amorousness or desire. Otherwise some, like me, become really snappy or moody. I don't think I've ever mentioned, but I'm almost 2 metres tall, and since I stopped growing, my bodyweight has never gone below 200 lbs. At least one guy asked me at school in awe, - because all the dopamine hits I was seeking in my spare time made me mostly very calm - 'dude, how much do you masturbate?' One of my friends and best tethers to the social vibe of the playground and classroom kept pestering me to wear jeans and jackets to be 'the jock'. For however many reasons, I wasn't comfortable with that. Anyway, since puberty, even though I didn't know the word 'Freudian', I was one of probably several young males at least that started to see sex in almost everything. I was very immature, and probably didn't have the ability to provide that safe space - that so many women say is their overarching need - until later, after graduating. -> My question is though, where do erotics end and plain, healthy expressions of love begin? Should we even encourage old-school magazines or literature? Whenever I am having a decent time socialising, I either notice or imagine girls' swaying interests from their initial male company to my own. I feel bad about this, because however desperately I want to be myself and not need the internet so much, I realise that not much will ever reign supreme over the progress of my first intimate relationship. She did end up calling me a narcissist, a word I had never really heard before, but even after all the reflection I've done, I remember the 'good times' too occasionally, as she told me later. I am far too afraid of having the same experience, which I've been telling myself is for the better. I want for other people the same fulfilment that I felt for that now relatively short period of my life, before I give myself permission to keep trying for another relationship with a longer lifespan. -> Should I continue just listening to my gut, and relying on journalling for accountability?  _________________ That's 'all' for this post. It is long, but dopamine hits aside, I'm always looking forward to the next stretch of real productivity, which I hope can last longer than this year's attempts so far.  Maybe I don't deserve peace as much as I think I do deserve a violence/aggression-free routine, but I hope you guys and as many other people get it as some far-off result of what discipline I can achieve. I'll try to remember that. Peace, ~ Matt

A bookworm you are. Haven't seen you here in a while, perhaps we may see you more often? 🙂

Entry 12.6 ( Written on 13.6) Day 621: No Useless Videos Day 620: Sticking to Food schedule Day 222: Eating Only between 06:30 and 19:00 (Last bite before 19:00) Day 213: Being in bed before 23:15 Day 0: 6 pomodoros - 4 3 Things I did well no matter how small -1 hour workout again -Two long calls regarding apartmentss -in bed at 21 again 1 Thing I could do better -More calls instead of dozing off

Monday wasn't a good day. Nothing bad happened to me, it was like I decided to have a bad day. I'm not helping myself with the language I am using here: "good" vs "bad"; so vague for the amount of weight they bring.  So, let's be more specific and fair.  I had an unproductive day, a day of "binging" so to speak.  I didn't shower.  I didn't get dressed.  I ate junk food, played video games, and watched anime all day.  There were moments of self-awareness but I chose to continue fleeing/avoiding judgment/guilt; I felt ashamed - I didn't want anyone to see me the way I was - like I was a "bad" person (there's that language again). I'm not a "bad" person.  I make mistakes all the time, sure, but who doesn't?  I've made these mistakes - hurting myself and/or others - more often than I'm willing to accept though...  Now that I think about it, the bar for the "acceptable range" is pretty low; too low perhaps.  Regarding yesterday, all the "damage" done didn't directly involve others, it was directed at me exclusively.  Was it even intentional?  I was foolishly neglectful of my needs and/or overindulgent in my wants.  But that was yesterday.  There might (probably will) be similar instances in the future but at the moment, I am being more mindful, perhaps even productive on a personal/spiritual level.  With some effort, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "bad", because of yesterday, harsh; just as instinctively, it seems reasonable to deem the labeling of my entire identity as "good", because of the present moment, meek.  I am neither "good" nor "bad" overall.  I like to think I am "good enough" overall at the moment. xD It takes a lot of cognitive effort at the moment (given the depression I'm going through) but I can forgive myself.  That's an important skill to have/use.  If I can't forgive myself, then I wouldn't allow myself to make mistakes, to take risks, to "live life" per se.  In this light here's a sample of the lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Learning to Live by Dream Theater.   Peace out folks.  Hope you have a nice day.