Uh oh, here again to quit

[janppi]

Long story sho... long story long. It's my 4th time joining this forum. I am 27 years old and gaming has been dictating my life for a long time, probably since I was like 5 years old. 

Lately I have been disturbed with questions inside my own head. I keep thinking: "I want to quit gaming and do something to promote a career, get a personality" but after that I keep thinking "meeh, how about giving gaming another chance, let's take one more shot at league of legends ranked queue and rise the ranks to top 1000 players. C'mon, you have been doing it for 10 years already. Don't let those hours go to waste"

So after thoughts like the ones above, I've been asking myself, why is it so hard for me to make the decision to quit? Do I need to leave my gaming friends (who are also irl friends) behind because all they want me to do, is to play games with them? Am I not able to enjoy gaming with my girlfriend again? Will our relationship suffer from this? 

And then again I am also asking myself; can I finally build the career that I always wanted? Could I finally be able to work consistently for more than 3 months in a row? Could I finally break out of anxiety and depression that my gaming habit has been suppressing through escapism? 

The bolded one is the strongest motivation for me. Throughout my adulthood I've suffered from symptoms of depression and anxiety (partly due to another medical condition) and gaming has been the cure so far. Or so I have thought. Probably, though, I've come to realize that these symptoms have risen during the time when I have had access to unlimited gaming opportunities and I have let gaming go completely sideways. 

I'd like to write down some examples here just to help myself accept my addiction: 

-Whenever I have taken a test to determine the risk for gaming addiction, it has stated with 90% accuracy, that I have a problem. Also, I state aloud every week - to my girlfriend - that I have a problem with gaming and I need help with it.

-during the time frame from 2010 to 2021 I played AT LEAST total of 5000-7000 hours of League of Legends, and spent over 1500€ in the game. 

-League wasn't even the only game I played, I played CS, Siege and Overwatch for more than 700 hours combined during this time.

-I started a degree in computer science in 2013, I am still due with my bachelor's... 

-I have strong faith in the thought, that my life would be a 1000 times better if I didn't play video games. 

-There would be 4-5 months in a year when I would play games or watch videos about them (eg. WoW, LoL) 14 hours a day for every single day.

And the list would go on. My other issues are internet usage in general. I love internet. i spend tens of hours in a weekly basis just watching videos (about league) in youtube and this bothers me. My current dream career would be either in medicine or IT. It feels bad to quit gaming because one thing that would fascinate me, is to learn how to make money by programming games and software myself. Obviously game development isn't gaming but you can't argue that you have to be in some kind of connection with gaming when working in the industry. 

Other than that I wish I can build an even better relationship with my girlfriend, I can get a job and get on with my life. I am so tired of watching other people succeed, while I am basically standing still and going nowhere. 

I want to admit that I have a problem and that I need to quit. There would be so much to tell here again but maybe this wraps up the worst things about my addiction. I feel miserable to start a detox but I know I have to do something for things to change, since even the antidepressants I am currently on didn't do anything. 

Thank you for reading. From tomorrow onwards I am going to start a new journal.

-Jani