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Quit, start, quit start. Quit for once and for all


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Hi all,

I'm Peter, 29y old and I guess addicted to gaming in general but specifically to League of Legends.

When I was young, my mother (father left) forbid me to play video games while all my friends could play. So when I was at a friend's house, I played so much and watched how everyone else just had fun together while I was the one who 'couldn't play' or 'wasn't good enough' cause they had practice and I did not. 
They also could play online together and I could not. Also, our computer was way too bad to play something on decent FPS rate.
Long story short - gaming was the forbidden fruit when I was young and boy it was attractive fruit. 

When I was a bit older (16y old - ...) I bought my own computer and started to play behind the backs of my mother. I even got up in the night at 3 am to play Wolfenstein Enemy Territory. 
I lied to my mother when she went looking for me (she heard me probably)  to see what I was doing. Back then, we had a difficult period in the house - a divorce. And I just wanted to play the game, that was all I wanted. Now I see I used it to numb the pain. To just focus on something else then all the shit that was going on. 

And yes, that pattern has been in my life ever since. It always changed to another game.
Company of Heroes 2 and the search to a perfect computer who could run it at the highest settings - CS:GO in the search of the perfect team or team mates and lastly, League of Legends and the grind.

I'm 29y old and have a decent job as Business Analyst / Project Manager. I swear if you run into me you wouldn't dare to believe I'm a gamer who just can't stop when starting to play. I have always had a front, a 'persona' of a mature guy while behind that mask, there is a kid who's hurt. Hurt of all the fucking shit that has been going on. 

I've always managed to not feel, to not be myself and to please others and game when I was alone. That was my safe space. 
Now I'm beginning to feel, to be myself. It has lead to a number of changes like seeing my family for what it is, becoming more independent and starting to feel. 
You know, it can sound so cheesy but starting to feel just means taking a break and do nothing. Feel your body. Watch your thoughts. Extremely difficult and painful when you have pushed that away for a long time. It sounds so easy but your mind has trained itself to either obsess about things or think negatively or to, yes, to game. 

But not anymore. Not anymore. I've stopped numerous of times but it always creeps in. Sometimes to kill boredom but it's more than that. It's a pattern of procrastination, of not taking on my life. Why? Well, if I take on my life, I have to take on responsibilities and that includes responsibility about myself. Myself means looking and feeling the hurt. That my friends, that's not an easy thing.

I've got professional help because there is a lot of shit that has happened so a lot of processing is involved. But gaming, man, that's the next step. And boy i'm ready.
I feel ready. I've cut the cords of my gaming mouse and that felt emotional. It was like cutting cords with a past I didn't want. 

Well, this has been a very short story about me but felt good to share.

Thanks for this website and for the initiative. 
I'm sure this will work for me and hopefully for everyone else too.

Regards,
Peter.

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On 8/18/2020 at 10:39 AM, PeteStf said:

Now I'm beginning to feel, to be myself. It has lead to a number of changes like seeing my family for what it is, becoming more independent and starting to feel. 
You know, it can sound so cheesy but starting to feel just means taking a break and do nothing. Feel your body. Watch your thoughts. Extremely difficult and painful when you have pushed that away for a long time. It sounds so easy but your mind has trained itself to either obsess about things or think negatively or to, yes, to game. 

This section was on point and very relatable. Not only thinking negatively and the struggle to be still and introspective, but the dopamine withdraw. Gaming just raises the dopamine baseline so high, it makes life harder to face and truly enjoy. It's awesome that you have been able to find success (and own it) because you have Peter. The mind is quick to hone in on the negative, but silencing those thoughts to see the positives is key and I hope the professional help you are getting (which is awesome btw) is guiding you there.

It's never too late to make a change in your life. Don't let age be an excuse. Thanks for sharing!

 

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