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antrax737

Let me waste some of your time...

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Hi, I dont really know why i'm typing this, i guess i'm at a very unsual place in my life where, i think i've wasted 14 years of my life and overall i'm not doing that bad, except for the fact that i'm not working right now and at the same time i wouldn't really mind if my life would be: wake up, go to work, game, go to sleep, but there is that weird feelling, that's going to sound weird, the feeling which just doesn't let me to sit in peace and game anymore. Sort of a silent scream inside of me telling me to, go and fight for what i believe in and do things which i would like to experince which i guess would have more meaning to me than gaming. Weird af isn't it? I jumped to the most important thing right away, without any essential info, lets rewind...

I'm 24 years old, from Slovenia, i've been gaming for 15 years, but the years when i would say i was addicted to gaming probably were between 16 and well, 23.3. Not sure if was addicted, or maybe i still am. I said that i feel like i wasted 14 years because that's when i started my ultra marathon, the run which somewhere deep inside me, i was hoping it would get me away from my problems. Now, i kinda feel like, i'm turning around and starting to face all of it and it is huge, not unsolvable but someone who wouldnt be in this position before, would probably take the easy way out.

How did i get to this point... the shit started when i was 3 or 4 years old, that's when i started to stutter because of an event that accured in kindertarden... trauma, i guess. That's how i became different, that's when i started feeling alone, no one wanted to play with me, all the kids i was in contact with daily, chose of the the three options, ignore, bully or just laugh at me. I guess i'd do the same if it was someone else stuttering. That went on for... i guess i could say i sort of stopped when i was 15 years old. The easy part was 4-10, i had my father and he stutterd too so when i had to fight and i fought a lot, he understood, he was my rock. Very good at being dad too, i got my ass whooped a couple of times too, it didn't feel good but i sure as hell learned my lessons and to this day i have huge respect for the man, partially because of the way he tried to raise me. But just like any other thing, that one came to and end too, he died when i was 10, he was 47 at the time.

So the only person that fully understood me, left my life and even before that, i would never share with my mum any of the stuff that were happening in kindergarten and elementary school, she just knew when i had a fight with someone and only because she got a call from the teachers of social workers etc.... I just didn't want to let her in on what I was feeling and what i was going thru and i never will. So 10 years old, we live in a village nearby school was only up to 5 grade, so after that we went the city to a bigger school, the small school was 1km from my home, the big one is 7km, so not a huge change. But new people, ment new bullies, well some of them, i knew some of them from kindergarten so i knew, well that they were going to be my enemies basically. Had to fight my way thru the other 4 grades (or school system: 9 grades for elementary, 3-5 high school and then college). Again calls for my mom, some people preassumed i would fail in life just because i was fighting a lot and that was when i also started to act being sick to stay at home, just so i could avoid the conflicts. That was when my gaming slowly started to snowball, i was 12, 13 at the time. My dad was a trucker, he worked for an Italian company, long haul, while driving for them he learned to speak Italian pretty well and while I was missing him really bad at the time, you know puberty when it hits, at that point i was thinking about suicide too, decided not to do it for my mom and my sis. But the whole situattion led me to start learning Italian on my own... stay out of school to learn Italian, while folks at school told my mom I will never be much of anything. So that avoiding school thingy went on for 7 years, never failed at any class, i was somewhat good at languages, history, geography, stuff like that. fast froward to 19 year old me... decided to do trucking. Didn't last long, I blame that on gaming.

During puberty I was the worst kid my mom would ever want, yelling at her, ignoring her, it was me screaming for help, but no one noticed actually, but I felt miss understood and I wouldn't let anyone close to me, so I didn't have many friends or if I had them I would refuse to show the real me. At that point I didnt realise it back then but i know now and it is still a thing, I hate being good at stuff, i hate being better than others, I dislike it when people compliment me on something i did well... what I got from all that bullying and fighting is distrust to everyone, even to my mom to some degree. You know back then I was laughed at when i spoke, or failed at something, i always felt like others are more capable than me and to some degree I didn't understood how they could fail at an exam when i didn't, i mean he/she acted for years how he/she is better than me... in highschool i was second best student in the class, and I wasnt really trying, gaming was my main thing during 16-19, gaming untill 1 in the morning, wake up 5 hours later, go to school, sleep there another 3, go home and repeat, not the whole time tho. And I felt so bad for it, I saw in some of my class mates that they are capable but they are just not i guess trying... i felt bad for my success, still do, I hate to even think that i'm good at anything. In video games, i get to be good without feeling that bad for it but still the feeling is there but not as much.

Now we get to gaming and avoiding problems and well the whole mess... as i said I started to play more when I was 12, 13, not too much, movies were still more interesing. I turned 16 got money for a decent PC, that year BF4 was released, after that ETS2, got in to, Leage of Legends too, some startegies, city builders you name it... Maybe addicited maybe not, skipping school whenever possible, I didn't feel good around people... anxiety was my main feeling, since i was 10 and it was just getting worse, but as i started to game, that problem started to go away atleast for the few hours... My relationships with people got better in highschool, to a degree some of my classmates needed me every now and then, for school related stuff. Then i met a new friend, i think i was 18 at the time and he was 16, then gaming became a fuckin huge snowball, for 5 years, then last year he wasnt himself but refused to talk about things that were bothering him, commited suicide month and a half ago. We talked nearly every day on discord, he got some friends who play games too so i got to talk to them too and while we were at it and well after it too, i felt like a human, my stuttering went away or got reduced, really good feeling. I've lost 3 persons who were really close to me in past 2 years and my mom has cancer now, but she will probably get thru it.

During all this time, i tried to ignore my anxiety and problems that came with it, problems from my childhood... i'd go back to childhood, but only if the kids who i grew up with wouldnt be there, except for my neighbours, they knew me before i began to stutter, they dont remember it, but they dont remember me starting to stutter, it's normal to them. Still not normal to me, you know the feeling when you are so ashamed of yourself you'd really like to disappear? Well that is the one feeling you get a lot if you stutter, just wish you wouldnt be there. Now after all these people left my life and after i did so much runing, I am starting to feel like the landslide which i was runing from caught up with me. People who I used to talk to and trust to, my dad, the gamer friend, one childhood friend and my uncle are gone. No way to run to anymore. And competitve gaming isn't my thing for past 4 years, playing Farming simulator and Euro truck, mostly, i guarantee that i'm not addicted to that. I like those game because you can normally talk to your friends while you are playing, or just chill out with music or listen to educative stuff on youtube, audiobooks etc.... that's where i got the feeling to do something more of my life from, i guess. I mean Dan Pena telling me that i'm a snowflake is something that gets me going xD... also listening to other peoples life stories and what they've been thru, dude i want to go thru some of that too! Last year there was a time, 2 months, when i would go to work, go home, go to fitness and 2 hours before i went to sleep I played some ETS2, really casual and it was the only game i played. That's when i also remebered how it is like when I didn't have many games to play and how much more happier i was (12-16). So much easier, so much nicer. That's why i decided to play only ETS2 and FS19, I get to play + i get to listen to people, educate myself, relax... but now this isn't enough anymore. I want more from life, there is so much more out there. I don't want to fully quit gaming, no need to in my opinion. But i need to stop hidding behind it. So i need to get out there and start using the knowledge i gained from youtube and other sources.

 

This i guess is not what you ussually get on this forum, not a cry for help or story of sort of success. it's a story of hiding behind gaming and realisation of what i've been doing. However I'm not sure if I can fix everything. I'm kinda scared that it took me too long to realize all of that, plus i need to find a way to fight it... it's 14 years, out of 24, 14 wasted years, I just cant believe it, It would never get this far without gaming, i'd started to solve the problem sooner and i wouldn't be totally fucked up now. and i'd do it all over again, every second of it, it was awesome. But i feel like i landed in a desert, where if i dont take the right choices I can end it right here and now, or I can try to take the right ones and maybe I can still win this game called life. I sure as hell am not backing down, I came too far to just quit, but it will be hard, I have to start bonding with people, the same people i have never trusted, the same people i always expected to turn their back on me, that was my normal... I just can't believe the point my life is at... it's fucked up... I feel like I really fucked it up... and the fact that i laughed at people who tried to help me, back when I was 14, 15, I was always that kid, "why would i tell you anything, you won't understand anyway" and if the person knew that they could understand i just avoided them... believing they would eventually turn their back on me. To hurt me again.

 

FFS, i hope you didn't read everything, all in all, if you got problems in your life, don't try to hide them, they always come back, your are not going to outrun them, gaming is not the way to outrun them. Ignoring shit just makes the shit feel normal and once you realise, it's a fuckin landslide.

antrax over and out.

 

(Not native english, plus it's 2 in the morning here...)

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9 hours ago, antrax737 said:

FFS, i hope you didn't read everything

I read all of it and you can't fucking stop me. (?) 

25 year old here. I stopped studying in high-school at 16 and I could only take it back this year (2019-2020). I'm still scared I'll make any mistake and fuck everything up but at least I understand that feeling of thinking you've wasted a lot of time. I mean I'm at Uni and most of my class was born in freaking 2001, it's still weird if I think about it. Also got bullied mostly in primary school cause I was supposedly smart and I spoke 'weird' like in the books (complicated words and sounded arrogant). Got my share of fights, lost every single one and gave up, then it sorta cooled down over the years, except this guy who was bothering me and a bunch of other people until the end. 

I'm so sorry for the people you lost and how it made you feel, that's without doubt the toughest part of your story. I hope your mother gets well soon. I used to think mine was nothing but a nuisance but I'd be completely lost without her. Maybe she can't understand you like you wish she would, but sometimes it's not about people understanding, sometimes it's just about them being there. If you have anything you think you should tell her (if you feel you need to apologize to her, or ask for an apology from her for anything that hurt you, or talk about things that happened between you), you should do it right now. Not because she's sick but because you'll feel relieved to not keep it to yourself. Don't tell a bunch of strangers that you feel you behaved wrong with your mom, tell her

9 hours ago, antrax737 said:

This i guess is not what you ussually get on this forum, not a cry for help or story of sort of success. it's a story of hiding behind gaming and realisation of what i've been doing.

The three things are exactly what this forum is about, try again (?) 

You can turn things around and do something worthy with your life. You're already doing it by educating yourself and thinking about your relationship with gaming and how you used to handle things. It's not a small thing, so you're already driving that road. But you need to get some things clear right now:

1. You have time. Thinking you don't is your brain trying to convince you to stay home gaming. 

2. You went through some heavy shit and you were surviving. You're putting yourself in the place where you can start doing interesting things, but you couldn't avoid what happened in the past. You were not wasting time, even if you were gaming.

3. It's not about doing things "right" or what you "must" do with your time. It's about what you think you should be doing with your time. You were using games to cope with a difficult situation you had no control over, it just happened to you. It doesn't matter if you were addicted or not. Now you can make a decision. "Is gaming what I want to do this evening or should I do something else?". And not because you need to earn the medal of "normal, useful person". You have to do it for yourself. 

4. You're fucking smart, get over it (?). No, really, you are what you are, and you are, among other things, smart. You don't even have to use that smart. You don't even have to do great things or be first place in anything if you really don't give a damn about competition and just want to chill. But don't lie to yourself, you're capable of doing a lot of things. It's safer to believe you are a failure because if you were talented you would start thinking about "all the things you could have done years ago". Which leads me to... 

5. You don't "win" at life. First, literally any teenager that does something relevant either has rich parents and a lot of free time or their parents are monsters who take them to violin competitions with 4 years old instead of letting them be kids. Fight me, you know I'm right. Life is a sandbox and some guys are born with premium accounts. They buy all the stuff to brag and then they'll tell you that's a success story and if you couldn't do that then you're a loser. That's bullshit. 

You set your own terms. What do you want to do with your life? It could be having an average job and gaming to have fun. You would eventually end the same way than Elon Musk, dead and decomposed. Is that what you really want tho? Maybe deep down you already know. 

You're strong and I really believe you can do a lot of stuff. Also trusting people can be hurtful and dangerous sometimes, but it's an investment, adult relationships are nothing like school (well, most times) and it's worth it. I'm just some random in the internet so you can tell me to f off. But at least go out there and do some stuff.

You really can do it. 

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Thank you for reply, don't have much time right now, i'll write a direct reply to your reply in a few days. However i've been thinking, the "me" which im playing right now is sooooo fake, i know why it exists, it as defence from the, basically everything, somewhow i made it in order not to get hurt again and for fucks sake, the thing that hurts the most is that this fake me even exists... any ideas how to kill my act? Not sure what came before this fake me or the gamer, afaik this fake me could be from 9yo to 20yo... but gaming is probably in my way of doing more steps towards quitting the act. On the other hand, if i quit the act, my personality would... let's just say, explode? I'm introvert now, very obvious, the biggest part of the act. If i'd quit the whole act i'd probably become the most extroverted person you can think of, maybe a proof: drunk me, it all comes up, no way to stop me talking, do not even attempt, you will fail big time, beside that i'd really like to work with people, maybe psychotheraphy, but if i cant help myself, how can i help others? Also i'd really like to dance, scared to death of dancing, there is so many things i'd like to do but im scared af, adrenaline is one thing i want so much more of in my life... probably wrong forum for that? It's psychotherapy topic actually... but maybe some opinions? Also, if i wouldnt be introverted i'd probably never got into gaming, i wouldnt find enough time for that... too many things i'd like to do irl, i'm repeating myself now...

 

Edit: to further justify what i wrote above, I know of that second me because i had a few occasions when my personality went from intro to extro and it felt fuckin great, no other words to describe it. (i wasnt drunk) No more fears, i felt 50kg lighter, i felt free, crazy physical energy and motivation thru the roof... the best way to describe it, if you go watch Dan Pena on youtube, just one of his peaches, just to see the energy of that old man, that's exactly how i feel when i switch to extroverted me, really hard to find the right words to describe the feeling... that's why i know for sure that this "normal" me is an act, designed to not let people close to me, the more someone knows about you the easier they hurt you (if that is the intetion). Or if someone dies, it hurts more if they were close, so not letting close works from that point of view... but from my point of view, it is the worst thing one can do, in long term, it hurts more, it also makes harder to move on in life... #justmethinking

Edited by antrax737
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Well I know a thing or two about living a life I don't feel real (?), so let me reply what you said so far and if you want to write more in detail later I will be happy to read you ^w^

23 hours ago, antrax737 said:

any ideas how to kill my act?

Be honest with yourself. You don't have to be honest with others all the time, you can have your own reasons to be not completely open to other people sometimes (safety, physical or emotional, getting a job you need to survive, things like that). But always be honest with yourself. Admit and try not to judge anything you're feeling. You're feeling it for a reason. Let it guide you and let yourself turn those feelings into thoughts and ideas.

Anything you want in this life, is OK to want it. Unless you want to be a mass murderer. Anything that doesn't obviously hurt other people, you can want it. Go do those things, no matter how difficult or weird. You'll probably end up in other things that will lead you to even more things, so the first goal is not even important. You'll change with time. 

On 3/9/2020 at 11:53 PM, antrax737 said:

if i quit the act, my personality would... let's just say, explode?

I felt that too. That I would explode and "go outside myself". And it happened some times in the end, but it wasn't like an overnight explosion, more like, certain moments. And a small part of those moments would stay, changing my usual personality little by little. I feared those moments, but when they happened, they were great. Don't worry about that. Let it happen. Also try everything you want to try at least once. That's the thing that has helped me the most since I was 16. Saved my life a couple of times, at least two of those times, it saved me literally. 

Introvert and extrovert are more like temporary states than actual personalities. You can feel introverted at a party, and it wouldn't be the same as being shy, and it wouldn't mean you won't stop feeling like that forever. You can enjoy being with people and still have deep thoughts, that doesn't mean you are doing it wrong. Don't put yourself in a box. Sometimes you'll want company, sometimes you'll want your own space. Both are you. You can be flexible. 

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Good reply, good tips, thanks. About intro/extro, you are sort of right but i'm also INFJ personality type which i love and hate at the same time... not sure if you know anything about personality types...

Today i read one topic regarding depression. The "test" is positive, in fact it couldn't be more positive... being perfectionist and INFJ is making stuff way worse too... 

But nevermind... from gaming to depression, wrong forum... thanks for all the help... sorry for bringing this stuff here...

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5 hours ago, antrax737 said:

But nevermind... from gaming to depression, wrong forum... thanks for all the help... sorry for bringing this stuff here...

This is an appropriate place to bring this kind of stuff in my opinion. We're all here to quit gaming, but in the end there's a reason we began to play in the first place: anxiety, escaping from depression or bullying, unhealthy social relationships... Nothing you spoke about is out of place in this forum. Anyway it's not like we're closing soon coronavirus doesn't reach the internet yet so feel free to visit and explore the threads anytime. Good luck with all your stuff, you can handle it! 

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