Hi, I dont really know why i'm typing this, i guess i'm at a very unsual place in my life where, i think i've wasted 14 years of my life and overall i'm not doing that bad, except for the fact that i'm not working right now and at the same time i wouldn't really mind if my life would be: wake up, go to work, game, go to sleep, but there is that weird feelling, that's going to sound weird, the feeling which just doesn't let me to sit in peace and game anymore. Sort of a silent scream inside of me telling me to, go and fight for what i believe in and do things which i would like to experince which i guess would have more meaning to me than gaming. Weird af isn't it? I jumped to the most important thing right away, without any essential info, lets rewind...
I'm 24 years old, from Slovenia, i've been gaming for 15 years, but the years when i would say i was addicted to gaming probably were between 16 and well, 23.3. Not sure if was addicted, or maybe i still am. I said that i feel like i wasted 14 years because that's when i started my ultra marathon, the run which somewhere deep inside me, i was hoping it would get me away from my problems. Now, i kinda feel like, i'm turning around and starting to face all of it and it is huge, not unsolvable but someone who wouldnt be in this position before, would probably take the easy way out.
How did i get to this point... the shit started when i was 3 or 4 years old, that's when i started to stutter because of an event that accured in kindertarden... trauma, i guess. That's how i became different, that's when i started feeling alone, no one wanted to play with me, all the kids i was in contact with daily, chose of the the three options, ignore, bully or just laugh at me. I guess i'd do the same if it was someone else stuttering. That went on for... i guess i could say i sort of stopped when i was 15 years old. The easy part was 4-10, i had my father and he stutterd too so when i had to fight and i fought a lot, he understood, he was my rock. Very good at being dad too, i got my ass whooped a couple of times too, it didn't feel good but i sure as hell learned my lessons and to this day i have huge respect for the man, partially because of the way he tried to raise me. But just like any other thing, that one came to and end too, he died when i was 10, he was 47 at the time.
So the only person that fully understood me, left my life and even before that, i would never share with my mum any of the stuff that were happening in kindergarten and elementary school, she just knew when i had a fight with someone and only because she got a call from the teachers of social workers etc.... I just didn't want to let her in on what I was feeling and what i was going thru and i never will. So 10 years old, we live in a village nearby school was only up to 5 grade, so after that we went the city to a bigger school, the small school was 1km from my home, the big one is 7km, so not a huge change. But new people, ment new bullies, well some of them, i knew some of them from kindergarten so i knew, well that they were going to be my enemies basically. Had to fight my way thru the other 4 grades (or school system: 9 grades for elementary, 3-5 high school and then college). Again calls for my mom, some people preassumed i would fail in life just because i was fighting a lot and that was when i also started to act being sick to stay at home, just so i could avoid the conflicts. That was when my gaming slowly started to snowball, i was 12, 13 at the time. My dad was a trucker, he worked for an Italian company, long haul, while driving for them he learned to speak Italian pretty well and while I was missing him really bad at the time, you know puberty when it hits, at that point i was thinking about suicide too, decided not to do it for my mom and my sis. But the whole situattion led me to start learning Italian on my own... stay out of school to learn Italian, while folks at school told my mom I will never be much of anything. So that avoiding school thingy went on for 7 years, never failed at any class, i was somewhat good at languages, history, geography, stuff like that. fast froward to 19 year old me... decided to do trucking. Didn't last long, I blame that on gaming.
During puberty I was the worst kid my mom would ever want, yelling at her, ignoring her, it was me screaming for help, but no one noticed actually, but I felt miss understood and I wouldn't let anyone close to me, so I didn't have many friends or if I had them I would refuse to show the real me. At that point I didnt realise it back then but i know now and it is still a thing, I hate being good at stuff, i hate being better than others, I dislike it when people compliment me on something i did well... what I got from all that bullying and fighting is distrust to everyone, even to my mom to some degree. You know back then I was laughed at when i spoke, or failed at something, i always felt like others are more capable than me and to some degree I didn't understood how they could fail at an exam when i didn't, i mean he/she acted for years how he/she is better than me... in highschool i was second best student in the class, and I wasnt really trying, gaming was my main thing during 16-19, gaming untill 1 in the morning, wake up 5 hours later, go to school, sleep there another 3, go home and repeat, not the whole time tho. And I felt so bad for it, I saw in some of my class mates that they are capable but they are just not i guess trying... i felt bad for my success, still do, I hate to even think that i'm good at anything. In video games, i get to be good without feeling that bad for it but still the feeling is there but not as much.
Now we get to gaming and avoiding problems and well the whole mess... as i said I started to play more when I was 12, 13, not too much, movies were still more interesing. I turned 16 got money for a decent PC, that year BF4 was released, after that ETS2, got in to, Leage of Legends too, some startegies, city builders you name it... Maybe addicited maybe not, skipping school whenever possible, I didn't feel good around people... anxiety was my main feeling, since i was 10 and it was just getting worse, but as i started to game, that problem started to go away atleast for the few hours... My relationships with people got better in highschool, to a degree some of my classmates needed me every now and then, for school related stuff. Then i met a new friend, i think i was 18 at the time and he was 16, then gaming became a fuckin huge snowball, for 5 years, then last year he wasnt himself but refused to talk about things that were bothering him, commited suicide month and a half ago. We talked nearly every day on discord, he got some friends who play games too so i got to talk to them too and while we were at it and well after it too, i felt like a human, my stuttering went away or got reduced, really good feeling. I've lost 3 persons who were really close to me in past 2 years and my mom has cancer now, but she will probably get thru it.
During all this time, i tried to ignore my anxiety and problems that came with it, problems from my childhood... i'd go back to childhood, but only if the kids who i grew up with wouldnt be there, except for my neighbours, they knew me before i began to stutter, they dont remember it, but they dont remember me starting to stutter, it's normal to them. Still not normal to me, you know the feeling when you are so ashamed of yourself you'd really like to disappear? Well that is the one feeling you get a lot if you stutter, just wish you wouldnt be there. Now after all these people left my life and after i did so much runing, I am starting to feel like the landslide which i was runing from caught up with me. People who I used to talk to and trust to, my dad, the gamer friend, one childhood friend and my uncle are gone. No way to run to anymore. And competitve gaming isn't my thing for past 4 years, playing Farming simulator and Euro truck, mostly, i guarantee that i'm not addicted to that. I like those game because you can normally talk to your friends while you are playing, or just chill out with music or listen to educative stuff on youtube, audiobooks etc.... that's where i got the feeling to do something more of my life from, i guess. I mean Dan Pena telling me that i'm a snowflake is something that gets me going xD... also listening to other peoples life stories and what they've been thru, dude i want to go thru some of that too! Last year there was a time, 2 months, when i would go to work, go home, go to fitness and 2 hours before i went to sleep I played some ETS2, really casual and it was the only game i played. That's when i also remebered how it is like when I didn't have many games to play and how much more happier i was (12-16). So much easier, so much nicer. That's why i decided to play only ETS2 and FS19, I get to play + i get to listen to people, educate myself, relax... but now this isn't enough anymore. I want more from life, there is so much more out there. I don't want to fully quit gaming, no need to in my opinion. But i need to stop hidding behind it. So i need to get out there and start using the knowledge i gained from youtube and other sources.
This i guess is not what you ussually get on this forum, not a cry for help or story of sort of success. it's a story of hiding behind gaming and realisation of what i've been doing. However I'm not sure if I can fix everything. I'm kinda scared that it took me too long to realize all of that, plus i need to find a way to fight it... it's 14 years, out of 24, 14 wasted years, I just cant believe it, It would never get this far without gaming, i'd started to solve the problem sooner and i wouldn't be totally fucked up now. and i'd do it all over again, every second of it, it was awesome. But i feel like i landed in a desert, where if i dont take the right choices I can end it right here and now, or I can try to take the right ones and maybe I can still win this game called life. I sure as hell am not backing down, I came too far to just quit, but it will be hard, I have to start bonding with people, the same people i have never trusted, the same people i always expected to turn their back on me, that was my normal... I just can't believe the point my life is at... it's fucked up... I feel like I really fucked it up... and the fact that i laughed at people who tried to help me, back when I was 14, 15, I was always that kid, "why would i tell you anything, you won't understand anyway" and if the person knew that they could understand i just avoided them... believing they would eventually turn their back on me. To hurt me again.
FFS, i hope you didn't read everything, all in all, if you got problems in your life, don't try to hide them, they always come back, your are not going to outrun them, gaming is not the way to outrun them. Ignoring shit just makes the shit feel normal and once you realise, it's a fuckin landslide.
antrax over and out.
(Not native english, plus it's 2 in the morning here...)