Yearly Roundup-Dwelling on things

[-n.g-]

-Left university after realising just how bad it was for my health. I will in fact be leaving to study in Perth, Australia next year where the sun shines, the life is laid back and the cost of living isn't awful. I need a sea change, literally another sea on the other side of the world. I can not keep living in this rut in London, 24 years is long enough I think.

-Recieved help from a therapist but the cost of going to one is so high I could longer see them. If you have the resources for it, do it, that and exercise and a stable sleeping routine.

-No longer unemployable. My jobs are crap but hey, money; and I am not sitting around in a black hole inside my head. The up side is that I get sent to some nice places although the unstable hours, treatment you get on the job and never really being able to sit down has meant I have changed to a full time contracted hours bar job, which I otherwise wouldn't have gotten had I not taken this waiting job, and I would have remained jobless had my old tutor not given a year to work at his practice.

-Worked my way out of debt... well, apart from student debt but what lucky educated people don't have that in this age?

-Must admit I gave in and binged for a couple weeks before just finally realising: I am done. It was a strange experience to be honest. I think I have spent so long convincing myself I have started to interalize it finally.

-I would love to devote more time to drawing. I realized I haven'tsat down to drawn anything free hand in years becuase of my anxiety and depression. I have ideas but so far not enough time to them. Last week I said to myself that I wanted to finish on a high at my waiting job: last shift at Buckingham Palace (see? It takes me to amazing places) but you know what? I think I need to do something for myself that I don't have to think about, I can just enjoy it.

-I must learn not to dwell on things now. I need to startmputting my faults and failures behind me. Its a change of perspective but I think a portion of that is racking up more achievements, something hich I hsve had little in the way for quite some time. I mean I have to restart university all over again due to the loss of my original university work. I am bitter about this but there is little I can do, I will ahve spent 30 years in education by the time I am done. This saddens me somewhat, it was within my abilities to have given myself an easier ride in life but that didn't happen unfortunately, all I can do is learn from it and look forward to living in another place for a while.

-I must say I am still prone to shouting out to the world that I hate myself with little control of myself. I have no ideas for this. I can only hope things pick up even more. Perhaps then I will feel better.

Anyway another year, a new decade eh? It will be better.

Well it won't for a little while given the likelihood of another recession but at least I'll know and be in some way prepared.

As for the games... I must admit I gave in at the start of year and felt so bad I collapsed in on myself again. It was a terrible overreaction but when you devote yourself to moving on, it feels soul destroying to, it feels like, to watch yourself. But over this something has changed. I am done. I am done and it feels weird to say that. Nothing has really changed beyond having something to hope for, but I have fallen in to that mental trap before. This time though, its a strange change in attitude that I have seemed to finally internalize. That isn't to say that part of me is still holding out for one more release, but just like all the rest I was looking forward to when I was a heavy binge gamer I think this one I will let pass me by and I perhaps then the book will be shut I can do something more. We never really realise how much mental effort it takes to think about these things.

Perhaps I might follow this up with another post on mindfullness and the pitfalls that I have realized in trying it but for now it is 2am and I want to sleep sound so I will sign off.