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ConstantlyLost

20 Years Too Underdeveloped

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Introduction & About Me

Hey everyone,

I recently turned 20 years old and I'm ashamed to tell you guys that I still feel vastly underdeveloped. I realized in the past year that my social life is absolutely abysmal. I'm really thankful for my high school friends, who I have known for about 7 years now. I have a lot of great memories with them, but they generally aren't social creatures. We are a group of less than ten people, and most of us haven't made solid friendships outside of high school. Some of us took 5 years to finish high school because of gaming and most of us still use gaming to escape from our responsabilities. 

In fact, this isn't even the first time that I've tried to quit gaming. The first time I tried to quit was back in my first year of college and presently I am in my third. While I have experienced and achieved an amount of noticeable success in my life since that time, I can say, with as much certainty as possible in our world, that I could have done so much more. While on the surface many of my peers know me to be above-average in material success, I have to admit that I am deeply flawed in the inside. 

Internal Struggle

I often feel vastly inferior to some of my classmates, some of them are very charismatic and confident, others are very well-read and know the texts like the back of their hand. I'm at a point where I don't feel I have a concrete identity apart from gaming. I can tell you my stats in the MMOs and FPS games I play. I usually rank on the top boards for all other players to aspire to. I once looked up to these players and despite knowing that they've sacrificed a lot of real world experiences to get where they are, I still grinded for years to achieve what they had. None of the games I play are financially profitable, so it's really greater lose than gain. 

Many times in the day I feel very anxious and depressed because I don't really know who I am. I haven't set a good daily routine or have any real conception of where I might want to go in life. My finances are not tracked, my fitness has stalled for two years without seeing much progress, and I feel like I haven't learned much from my program. Meanwhile, almost all my peers read the texts and understand the concepts which I simply can't grasp. 

I'm just tired of feeling lost. Spiritually, I want to find my center. I don't wish to use my achievements and what I have to boost my personal identity in any defining sense, but rather to achieve more internal peace and comfort. I often abuse vaping, sex/masturbation, gaming and rarely alcohol to escape this fundamental vaccum within. This deep sense of emptiness is the root cause of my issues. I often have panic attacks in the middle of lectures and can't focus on the class - no one can tell because I don't externalize my anxiety. My anxiety is often so terrible, I can't sleep and I'm constantly fatigued. I don't want to live the rest of my life being scared and sleepy. I want to feel free again and playing video games isn't going to help. 

My anxiety and angst almost all stem from procrastination...

 

Time Wasted

I spend probably about 40-70 hours a week playing video games. Sometimes the only reason I want to wake up is because I can do my dailies in an MMO or finally get that item I've been waiting weeks for. I ruin my schedule and school performance in order to get the next gratification from gaming. Yesterday, I quit my main MMO title and I realized I have no clue what to do with all this time I have. Imagine having an extra 6 hours everyday. When you get home, that entity which once preoccupied your mind is gone. I can actually sleep soundly because I don't have all my game obligations in the background. Almost daily, I play games not as enjoyment, but as a necessity. I feel a strong craving, then I tell myself I'll play for half an hour, and that turns into the entire afternoon and well into the night. This means I waste around 2-3000 hours a year on gaming and I know that NOT an exaggeration. 

What's the Plan?

Well, it's time to quit. Not just gaming, but also porn and vaping. I don't do well with "Everything in moderation", I'm very poor at self-control and so it's best for me to have a clean environment and going cold turkey as opposed to giving myself time slots. These three items are all linked to the same issue - procrastination and using an externality to cope with the stress of procrastination. 

I need to make more friends at college, join a club, play sports and all the like in order to stay busy. I've never realized how much time I had until I quit my main MMO. Suddenly, I have so much more free time to do go make friends, work part-time, go out to parties and more. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have some control of my time. I'm actually somewhat calm and relaxed realizing that I don't need to log in tomorrow and collect my daily rewards or do the same task on repeat for hours. Day 1, and it's looking optimistic.

Goals!

1. Lose 1.5lbs a week until I reach 160-165lbs (depending on how I look): I've always been a huge fitness guy

2. Work out 3x a week

3. Go out at least once a week

4. Catch up on my readings!!!

5. Continuously explore online and IRL for more opportunities and friends.

6. Make more friends - my social skills kinda suck, I'm too shy and self-aware for my own good 😞

Honestly everything is so vague and foggy right now. I don't even know what to expect or what to do. I don't want to restrict myself. I almost feel as if I'm starting a new game. What is there to do? Where can I end up? 

If you've read everything, a huge thanks for your time! Updating Daily!

Edited by ConstantlyLost
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October 11th, 2019

I think what I plan to do with this journal is to update it a few times a day within one post whenever I have an idea that should be written down.

I slept in big time today, and it's already noon. I woke up just feeling a huge craving for my next hit of dopamine. Whether from porn, vaping or video games and I honestly feel deprived. I think my brain is reacting to the concept that I won't be experiencing these things for a long time - hopefully never again. On the plus side, I'm feeling bizarrely zen and balanced. I feel like everything is in place where it should be. I actually want to go out and run some errands because I have nothing else to do and I say that in the most excited way possible. I'm really excited to go shopping for face products, maybe get a haircut today. Might also have a date tonight and I'm going to the gym as well. 

What I like the most from this experience, just one day in is a sense of clarity. I've had a lot of goals outside of gaming for so long and now it's like I have the time to do them! 

Diet:

170g of protein minimum

2100 Calories

Workout: 

Deadlift - 275 1 x 5

OHP - Forgot to do OOPS

Face pulls - 30lbs for mutliple reps until back felt good

Lat pull down - 160lbs 5 x 5

Cardio for health reasons, not weight loss - None

I'm not sure why, but I had a really awful gym session where my head was very light and painful. I think it's caused by my lack of a sleep schedule lately and I intend of getting that back. I don't function very well in the afternoon if I don't have a proper sleep cycle. In fact, I know a good amount of my friends in university can't sleep at night. It's no wonder because we're on our phones all day, in bed and we don't have a sleeping ritual. Many of us watch YouTube until we're so tired that we have to turn off the phone. 

New Goal: Wake up at 6am everyday (I have to do 6am because my classes start really early. 

 

Edited by ConstantlyLost

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Day 2 of Game Quitting

I have to say this, but man I feel so depressed. The worst part about all this is the realization that I've really let my life become what it is today. I've realized that I've lost so many friends because I never made time for them. It wasn't a conscious choice, but the last three years of college, I gamed most of my free time away. The only group of friends I still have are my friends who game, thankfully they also happen to be my best friends - so that's a big plus. 

It's almost like daydreaming your entire life since 6 or 7 years old. I've been playing games about the same amount of time I've been in school! I remember sneaking my gameboy and DS under my pillow, having at all times even in the shower. I played Pokemon Fire Red probably half a dozen times. I remember first beating the Elite Four while on vacation and how it made the vacation seem worth it. I realized that over the years, I gradually have removed my positive emotions of rewards and satisfaction from the real world into the digital. I just don't or can't fully enjoy being out anymore. I'm always thinking about something else. Whereas, in a video game, I'm totally focused and dialed in. 

The cravings come and then they go. Frankly, I am a bit bored lately. Last night's date was cancelled, so my best mate and I watched a movie instead at my place, which was fun and something we never did before. We seldom ever go to each other's houses. I think tonight I'm getting a dirnk with another friend, so socially, things are on the up and up.

The most interesting aspect of having so much time now is that I want to specialize into my hobbies and daily tasks. I want to build everything into a routine or to make it more efficient or produce a greater end result. For instance, what's the best face cleanser to use and what ingredients should I be looking for? Instead of going home right away after classes, how can I meet up with my college friends or make new ones? I think I'm at the point where I'm deprived of stimuli so I seek out how to make my life more interesting. I'm not really bored now either. Yeah I'm less stimulated by video games, but it almost feels as if my mind is more active. It feels as if I'm processing more in the background than before. 

Today's plan:

1. Laundry
2. Go out for drinks
3. See how much school work I can do before being bored
4. Read some self-help books

 

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Day 3 of Game Quitting
Each day that I haven't played games, I've done something new that I've never thought to do before. I used to be so "okay" with my life and I never really tried to push myself further in any sense of that word. I feel like when I was playing games, I was on the threshold of being barely happy enough in order to want to change my life, but not happy enough to feel fulfilled. It was this terrible limbo on dissatisfaction and having no motivation to change. Anytime I feel bad, just fire up a game, or keep grinding. 

Right now I'm sitting in a cafe drinking mango iced tea, it's pretty damn good. 

My Breakup - Take a Breath 

About two months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 months. She was my first serious relationship and of course I fell head over heels for her and she fell head over heels for me too. Or so she said. I soon came to discover that she was extremely emotionally messed up. She confessed to lying to me for the better half of our relationship about "A lot of things". To this day, she hasn't told me what those things are. I perseonally feel, that she was narccisitic or had BPD. She told me how she would try to ruin the relationship because she felt I would break up with her. At times she could be so sweet and kind, but she's actively put me down so many times in private and in public. Degrading my part-time job, which I only took because she wanted me to work with her, telling our mutual friends that I wasn't rough enough during sex - even though she had told me she loved everything about our sex life. She would cuddle with other men, sometimes in my own f---ing condo. That really made me pissed. She would guilt trip me into thinking it was my fault for being uncomfortable with her literally cuddling in bed with other men because she said "This isn't a boundary everyone has, you always think your definition of good is the only good". All my friends and family told me that that wasn't appropriate behaviour and no sane people are okay with that. She would smother me and use the promise of sex to keep me from spending time alone. Then her friends would be concerned that I was preventing her from seeing them and she wouldn't even tell them that the exact opposite was happening. I barely saw my own friends and family during the time we dated. I also have really good reason to think she cheated on me, but I really don't care enough to write it out. 

In the end, she told me I was still her best friend and still wanted me in her life. I reluctantly agreed and themoment she started dating other people, she treated me like trash. She said how she's so devasted after we broke up and how she won't date again for years because she loved me so much. But in reality, she was dating the week we broke up. The week after we broke up, she used two false pregnancy scares to get attention and two false trips to the Emergency Room. 

She secretly took some of clothes and hid them so that I would have to see her again after the break up. To be clear, she wanted to take a two week break and I went to get all my things. I asked her during these two weeks, if we were allowed to have sex with other people, and she said "I don't care". Which is weird because I've met extended family and grandparents by that point. I can't understand how two loving people could even think of seeing other people during a short break! FIve days later, I told her I'm leaving and the break is a break up. That's when all the manipulation came in. 

She's been bouncing from one relationship to another since she was 15. I'm the 9th boyfriend in this streak. Each and every boyfriend she's had has allegedly been a complete loser and an awful person according to her. Now she's telling everyone how I'm just another awful guy that she had, despite weeks ago, she was putting me on this grand pedestal. 

She's a pack a day smoker, an alcoholic on top of being depressed. She would weaponize her depression and break promises and use it to justify when I caught her lying. I would try to help her quit smoking, I stayed with her during withdrawal and eventually things were starting to pick up. Until she started being comfortable in the relationship and suddenly she was drinking and smoking all over again. 

There is so much more, but I don't have the energy to write the rest, but the big picture has been painted.

What I've Learned

Frankly speaking, I've learned that like attracts like. I'm not an alcoholic, I don't smoke anymore, but what we had in common was neediness. I got into the relationship because I felt she was so kind and loving to me, but also because I was lonely. It was my first time living away from home and most of my gamer friends were far away. Winter had just ended and I get the winter blues so I wasn't in a good spot mentally. I hadn't taken care of myself and hadn't been able to support myself just as she wasn't able to support herself. That's why I ended up with her, it was my fault. That's also part of the reason why I want to quit gaming, because it feeds into my neediness. The more I game, the less time I have to improve myself, improve my social life and career and thus I have lower self-esteem and I become more needy.

This journey isn't even so much about quitting gaming, but frankly it's a huge step in every aspect of my life, especially the ones I've neglected. 

If you've read the whole thing, thank you againfor caring to take the time. I know it's a lot haha. Cheers

 

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Hey!

You are right that "like attracts like". It might take you some time to really parse the relationship down to basic elements, but in the process you get to know something about yourself and you can be aware of some patterns in the future. I've had a similar (though not as extreme!) relationship myself. You are also right that some can "weaponize her depression". A few people get expert at that and they wield their uselessness as a weapon, pretty much sucking compassion and other resources from other people.

Good luck on detoxing!

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Thank you for the kind words @Ikar. I just try to see it as a learning experience, thankfully at this point, most of the negative emotions are gone and sometimes I'm glad for the better parts of the relationship. 

End of the Week

Had a few thoughts of playing games at the start, but I'm riding of wave of being grateful for not playing games anymore. It's really refreshing and again I've been more in social in the last three days than the last two months! I've also done more studying in the past two days than the last two weeks! Becoming a lot more productive 🙂 

Porn and vaping quitting has been harder. Watched porn once since the start, I sort of forgot the reason I quit, maybe it'll be a once in a week kind of deal, still a large improvement. I'll do more research tonight and see. My friend and I both decided to quit vaping today, so we using our last bit of e-juice and then we threw everything non-saleable out. We plan to sell the vapes. So both porn and vaping are Day 1 of quitting. The vape cravings are pretty hefty, but what helps is being outside and envisioning a life without a dependency on drugs. Plus, vaping always made me super anxious afterwards. However, I'm worried because I still romanticize it because I've had a lot of good times around it. It's a work in progress, this is furthest I've ever gotten to quitting vaping. It was hard as hell to quit before because my ex vaped and smoked like a train so it was always within reach. No excuses, forward with optimism. 

Thanksgiving in Canada tomorrow, think my mates are having a Thanksgiving dinner, lol if any of us can cook a turkey. If not, it's a holiday, going to workout, do some work and go out to anything I want haha.

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Day 4 of Game Quitting - October 14th, 2019

Stayed up late last night vibing to music and Hell's Kitchen. Haven't been able to quietly enjoy mediums outside of gaming for so long. Usually I'm multi-tasking or part of my mind is on a game since most of the titles I played required a lot of time to be spent on them. Cravings are hitting me hard though, I just think, one boss today, or just don't get too into it. It's a tempting thought, but I really just want to see where I can go without games. The biggest question is "What is life like away from gaming?" 

Workout

Went for a brief jog today and my god, my cardio health is garbage. I ran for about 2minutes and 45seconds and wanted to throw up right after. I've always just sucked at running, I get short of breath really quickly. I remember when I was about 13 years old and I would to lose weight, I recall my cardio performance improving and soon I could run without needing to breath through my mouth. Eventually I want to get to that position again - being able to run comfortably.  It's strange because I look very fit, but on the inside, my cardiovascular system is abysmal. Maybe I'll pick up swimming too since I really don't like to run. 

Break Up Process

Today, for the first time, it hit me that my ex is in my past. One of my friends told me that she was trash talking me and how she rebounded onto her 10th boyfriend. Yeah it hurt. I'm now in that category of her "awful" exes, even though I gave so much to her. Gave up a lot of myself to help her through a rough time. She's still saying that she was blameless, the same story as always. But it hit me when I was reflecting that she's in the past. And that realization made everything better. I didn't feel sad, and suddenly I felt relieved. Mentally, I managed the close that chapter of my life. I'm slowly getting ready to open up again romantically. The same friend introduced me to a very attractive girl, but I honestly didn't want to reciprocate because I'm so cautious now. 

One of the most difficult aspects of the break up was the shock that someone I trusted comfortably lied to me for months and straight to my face. Went along with everything, built a whole story and plans around lies. I always felt I was a good judge of character, but I have lots left to learn. The other aspect is also self-reflection and really realizing all the things I did wrong in the relationship and how to amend those shortcomings. 

Lots of other thoughts going around, but they aren't really developed. 

 

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Day 5 of Game Quitting - October 15th, 2019

Almost caved in and gamed again. Planned on buying a new game account so I didn't have to start fresh. Thankfully, I didn't. I just gave the decision some time, and soon the craving past. I think my new motto is, give it some time and see how you feel later whenever a game craving hits. Went two days without vaping, then I found some leftover juice I didn't know I had and well, relapse. Not going to beat myself up too much, because two days without is a big step already 🙂 No urges for porn, I just feel really empty after watching anyway. Have a date tomorrow that my friend introduced. Funny thing is, I befriended this person from my ex. HAHA, it's paying off!

Mental Progress

I can honestly say I enjoy life more. Small tasks and things I would other never do have become slightly appealing. They're still a choir to do, but at least I have some desire to do them. For instance, I went to Costco today with my mother, I hadn't gone to Costco in a long time, despite many invitations from my mother. I also realized that I have a lot of things that are bogging me down that I never really addressed. My lower back and shoulder health is garbage and I've known it for years. I think the shoulder pain has something to do with my sleeping on them all the time and pinching the connective area. Lower back, well I've always had lower back issues, I think. Just writing these down so I don't forget. I'm going to compile a list of all the small things I need to fix which will bring more satisfaction to my life. I feel like there are rarely ever huge setbacks that get me down, but minor build up during a day that really discourage me. But these are mostly things I have failed to address in the long term.

Break Up Progress

Yeah still hurts. I'm going to try a new idea of just never talking about my ex. I will actively avoid talking about her. It's becoming obsessive and I'm tired of talking about it and I'm sure my friends are tired of hearing about it. I even told a new friend today about her, like why am I doing this? It doesn't make me happy. 

Hit a big emotional moment last night in bed because I was just running through the events in our relationship to get a clear picture of why things went wrong and how I ever fell in love with her. It hit me really big. To reiterate, I was really lonely living near campus away from my friends and family. I felt like an outcast, I wasn't happy with the book-worm friends I had made that year. I didn't feel like I fit in, felt everyone was smarter than I was, and they all had something I didn't. I went from being pretty social in high school to being quiet most days and not really having the type of conversations I had before. I felt like an outcast. Suddenly, she enters my life and makes everything brighter. She's charming and outgoing, and loves the hell out of me. Makes me feel good about myself and is so considerate. That feeling of "finding the one" and at a fitting time. It was a love story at first. Everything was so natural. I cried for a second, not going to lie.

But I also remembered how I knew exactly why we would break up in the future and I was right. Underneath that false charm and outgoingness was a deep void. More so than just feeling lonely, but a lot of deception and emotional problems I can't even begin to deceipher. The girl that told me to accept myself, didn't accept herself. I'm still stuck in this weird place of romanticizing the past, feeling sorry for her, but also contempt because maybe that person never really existed. When I moved in with her, she became a new person. Half considerate, and the other time just totally demeaning. 

I can sense this mental bump coming to an end. I haven't surpressed any emotions and I have processed most of it pretty well. I might have to accept that sometimes things end and you don't feel 100% about everything. Somethings you'll never know. And that's okay. What matters is to look to the future. Also to know that I would never get back together with her.

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I think I can relate with my own past relationship, it's been half a year since the breakup. I'm 22 and male. Everything below is my own experience.

I was in denial for the first two weeks. After I got told that she really means the breakup, I started my search for answers. Two weeks after that, I decided I would ditch gaming, partly because I was thinking we could still get together and partly out of the plain realization that this double digit hours on games/Twitch daily is just not sustainable.

I was writing with her a bit after quitting gaming, but I was fairly set on the idea of a "breakup talk". She wouldn't have any of that and I think she had a bunch of reasons for that too. From what I understood, she seemed to rebound into another relationship. I could've been also jealous to an extent, but regardless of that, I still suggested her to take a break from dating.

I started seeing her less and less as a dating target and more and more as a person with psychological scars that need to be treated. I also realized I was looking into a mirror. I managed to turn a person from being quite nice to me to a person with a full-blown hatred for me. At that point, I realized we both had to mess up somewhere along the way (or that our families also messed us up to a great degree as well).

A few moths after that, I tried to look at the relationship pragmatically from the perspective of what we actually did, not what we said. Aside from having sex, going out for a meal or a walk, we couldn't really agree on anything. We'd just shut down each others' idea and bored ourselves to tears. We would also lie a lot, neither of us really started exercising on a regular basis despite stating that multiple times.

After gradually discovering all this, I was fairly exhilarated and I wanted to share my ideas (both on my ex and my present and future) with virtually anyone, just like I shared it with you now in a short version. I think it was an important experience to incorporate into myself, as now I can screen for dates better and find out who to bloody stay away from.

I hope this helps! Take your time untangling your own past.

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Day 6 of Game Quitting

Going through a ton of different emotions each and every day. I feel like since I've quit gaming, I've been able to experience a wider range of emotions and the things I feel are deeper than before. Previously nothing really had my attention because I was subconsciously thinking about my MMO Character, the amount of resources I needed to collect, the new Minecraft build I want to create, etc. But now, things feel different. I have a lot more focus than I ever did before because if I'm not doing something, I can't game anymore. I have to be doing something and that now involves a lot of activities I never would have considered. 

For instance, today I went on a date with a really beautiful girl. She's also smart, wholesome, and productive. Her life is actually in order, no smoking, doesn't drink, not a party girl. She has a career path, she's in a program she loves, good grades, travels a lot, comes with a healthy family from what I could gather. Not really looking for a relationship, but I'm glad I went to meet her because it gives me a lot of hope. When I am ready to date again, and really looking, I know that I"ll want to find someone like her. Compared to my ex, wow, she's something else. She works part-time, an entire Sunday and frankly I want to be like her. 

I need more discipline. I can't even get to bed on time everyday, c'mon man. Before I met my ex, I was studying for my Real Estate license in a college and doing a bachelor at the best university in the country, I was working out frequently and eating healthy. I sort of gave up a lot of that because of the loneliness I felt. I was doing a lot and not really taking care of my emotional needs. I got with someone I shouldn't have because they provided me the fulfillment I lacked. That was my fault, and no one elses'. I don't regret making that decision because I learned a lot about myself and it ingrained in me a lot of principles I had always known. 

This time, I feel ready, I have never felt ready to take on school and my life in general before. Things usually seem so daunting. But now with this abundance of time and vastly greater self-understanding, I think I got a fighting chance this time.

Currently in the middle of a study break, going for dinner with my friend later. Again, two other new things I would have never done - study after classes and invite a friend to dinner in the city, even if it means I'll be home late. I used to leave campus and head home (about an 80 minute transit) in order to play games. It was my safe haven from the stresses of school. But for the first time in a long time, I feel like I can actually handle the workload. 

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11 minutes ago, Ikar said:

I think I can relate with my own past relationship, it's been half a year since the breakup. I'm 22 and male. Everything below is my own experience.

I was in denial for the first two weeks. After I got told that she really means the breakup, I started my search for answers. Two weeks after that, I decided I would ditch gaming, partly because I was thinking we could still get together and partly out of the plain realization that this double digit hours on games/Twitch daily is just not sustainable.

I was writing with her a bit after quitting gaming, but I was fairly set on the idea of a "breakup talk". She wouldn't have any of that and I think she had a bunch of reasons for that too. From what I understood, she seemed to rebound into another relationship. I could've been also jealous to an extent, but regardless of that, I still suggested her to take a break from dating.

I started seeing her less and less as a dating target and more and more as a person with psychological scars that need to be treated. I also realized I was looking into a mirror. I managed to turn a person from being quite nice to me to a person with a full-blown hatred for me. At that point, I realized we both had to mess up somewhere along the way (or that our families also messed us up to a great degree as well).

A few moths after that, I tried to look at the relationship pragmatically from the perspective of what we actually did, not what we said. Aside from having sex, going out for a meal or a walk, we couldn't really agree on anything. We'd just shut down each others' idea and bored ourselves to tears. We would also lie a lot, neither of us really started exercising on a regular basis despite stating that multiple times.

After gradually discovering all this, I was fairly exhilarated and I wanted to share my ideas (both on my ex and my present and future) with virtually anyone, just like I shared it with you now in a short version. I think it was an important experience to incorporate into myself, as now I can screen for dates better and find out who to bloody stay away from.

I hope this helps! Take your time untangling your own past.

Thank you for sharing Ikar, the similarities stories is always really beneficial.

I can honestly say that had it not been for the physical pleasures of being with someone, the intimacy, comfort and sex, I would probably have left much sooner. There was very little substance and we were complete polar opposites. I had told her that I feared our differences would cause us to break-up and I was right. I am happiest when I'm productive and she was the epitome of the party girl. My mistake was resenting her for it. Everyone progresses at different rates and times in their lives, if I didn't like her where she was or who she was, I should have left. But we were both so emotionally weak that neither of us could leave.

We had the same issue of not geniunely supporting each other. We might have said on the surface that we supported each other, but deep down we each felt a bit of fear that the other would leave us with their success. For me I was scared that she was going to cheat on me, I think largely because of her past actions, but also because I relied so much on her for positive emotions. Had I been a self-sustaining person, I wouldn't have been so worried because I knew I would move on and be okay. She was worried that after I got my real estate license, I would find a better partner and leave her. My leaving lesson? Be confident and realize your self-worth before getting into a relationship. 

Frankly, likewise, she was boring after a while. I was always on my tippy toes because her lifestyle was so chaotic, but that wasn't really intriguing. Everything was chaotically predictable. She's going to a party? 100% chance of getting drunk and abusing recreational drugs. From this I learned I want a girl who lives orderly, but makes positive surprises in her life rather than going to places where misadventures find her. 

I think part of what hurt so much was I never really lied to her. The only thing I ever lied about was whether not I wanted to break up with her. I really did, but again was too weak to say it. Everything else was the complete truth. 

Going forward, I'm going to be less blameful despite still beliveing that she was mostly to blame. For the only reason that through accepting responsibility, that I can learn more and make a more positive situation out of this occasion.

 

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Day 7 of Game Quitting

One whole week of quitting! The cravings have been rampant. I just have vivid short video visions of my character clearing my weekly bosses and daily bosses. The weeklies just reset and I have to say the temptation was there to jump back online "JUST to do the bosses". But I know myself better than that, I would immediately be back on my old habits. Been feeling a bit off a lot these past few days, no more so than usual. My mood is very inconsistent largely because I'm very sleep deprived. I slept a straight 9 hours last night like it was nothing and almost passed out in my car on the way home. I went to my date's house to give her back her umbrella which she forgot with me since I was carrying it. I was waiting for her in the driveway and she texted me "Are you gonna come up lol". Not sure if she wanted to hook up, but it was her parent's house, but she was the only one home. Whatever, if she's that interested, she'll make it clear later. 

I think I want to write briefly on being clean from hook ups too. I'm starting to remove a lot of the empty pleasures in my life. Empty calories from junk food, empty purchases, and empty expereinces. Basically, those things in my life which ca nbe categorized as:

  1. Quickly obtainable 
  2. Offer a sense of pleasure and relief 
  3. Ultimately do not improve quality of life

Yes, having casual sex may be a decent confidence boost, it may have some health benefits, but it's also very empty. I have used sex for validation to a small extent, but I want to entirely cut that out. The way I look at, whether or not someone has a lot of sex or not, it doesn't make someone any better or worse. My ex had sex with 35+ people in one month, that means two different partners a day. It wasn't safe, it wasn't good sex. So why did she do it? Because she felt unvalidated and deeply deeply insecure about her sexual "value". But still, even with all these encounters, she still felt very unattractive. We can talk about our subjective preferences for people with lower body counts or whatever, but from an objective point of view, more sex didn't equate to a more fulfilling life. None of these people loved her, none of them cared about her and therefore they never entered her life in any capacity greater than casual sex. I think many of us around the age of 20 today have felt and done similarly. Maybe not to the same extent, but we've all had the same mental framework of using sex and, by proxy, other people for vaildation. 

But again, itis an empty pursuit. Your sex life might be better, you might experience new kinks, but that's all there is. 

I've come to conclude that having more pleasure and more things doesn't make me happy. What makes me consistently happy is living a personally satisfying life and living by my own values, asssuming I don't harm others. I take greater satisfaction when I journal and do my assignments than having sex with someone I don't love. All fleating experiences, those that occur when the three conditions are met, provide a great hit of dopamine and make us feel good. But they are like drugs. We have to keep taking it and taking it to return to that state of bliss. But when I eat a healthy planned, high protein diet, when I journal, when I do what I planned on doing, the feeling isn't some great dopamine hit. It's a long lasting pleasure that's stable. I feel the same amount of pleasure the entire day and I'm satieted from it. 

When I am productive and living by my own plan, I finally feel that I don't need an escape, no video games, no porn, no vaping and especially validation. 

Tomorrow I want to write more about validation because I realized I use external validation too much for my self-esteem and pleasure. I want to remove that from my system in time. 

Working out later today, doing my laundry and basic maintenance stuff. It's getting super cold now and it's quite tiring with no sun. I'm going to take 5000 iu of Vitamin D each day in order to feel more energetic. 

Thank ya for reading! Have a great day!

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Day 8 of Game Quitting

Weekends are rough. I only have 4 days of classes, so from Friday to Sunday, I need to figure out ways to spend my time and keep myself occupied. I'm still not the kind of student that can study an entire day, maybe I never will be, but I think what I'll do is to plan my extended weekends on Friday morning so I have a rough idea of what to accomplish. I won't post that here, because it'll just look like long laundry list and that's no fun to read, even for my own reflection.

I want to set up a note taking system in my laptop via Google Drive. I use a Chromebook, but I want to organize the documents I have because it's just a pure mess right now. I want to transcribe my hand notes into online documents. 

Another goal of mine is to not think, talk, or reference my ex the entire weekend. This should be a fun experiment and we'll see how I feel after the weekend. Really don't have much planned today in terms of going out, but I got a few responsibilites and a hankering for a small adventure 🙂 

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