It's time.

[Brian]

Day 0:

I'm back. I just requested that my Steam account be deleted. Deleted gaming bookmarks. Reset YouTube and unsubscribed from gaming channels. 

To do:

1) Add gaming websites to my web blocker. Reset the password to the blocker.

2) Wipe my laptop and post it for sale.

3) Post again this weekend detailing the events of the last two months.

Additional steps and suggestions welcome. 

Currently listening to 'The Cave' by Orphaned Land. 

In the dark I live
Without any freedom in life
Those darkened shadows do not deceive
They are all I see and know
This cave is all I breathe
In chains 'til the day that you die
This crimson fire burns at my back
Like waves of nothing it flows
One can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark
But one cannot forgive a man who is afraid of the light
Gods. Blind. Death. Chains. Dark. Bravery.
War versus peace
Ignorance versus strength
Freedom versus slavery

[Brian]

Day 1:

Steam confirmed that my account is frozen and will be permanently deleted in 30 days. I feel a lot of acceptance with this... a lot less squirrely than last time. Denial kicked in hard and fast last time. I also feel sad - video games have been a part of my life since I was a teenager (I'm in my 30's now). This sounds dramatic when I write it and I think it has merit: I am burying a part of myself; a friend who has provided me with a lot of fun times, a coping mechanism. I hung out with this friend too much, to the detriment of other parts of myself that I want to cultivate and other relationships in my life. 

The brief overview of the last couple of months:

I completed my first 90 day detox at the end of March. I introduced video games again with a strict behavioral contract. I stuck to that contract for about two weeks. I felt a lot of internal dissonance about the contract - I was feeling the pressure of wanting to play and also the restrictions I set out for myself. I abandoned the contract. I started to play more than my pre-determined limit (2 hours per day maximum). I had been tracking my gaming hours with my phone - that was eventually abandoned. I told myself I wouldn't play first thing in the morning - that was abandoned. I eventually played all day. I still went to work, I still left the house and spent time with family and friends. Everything else was falling behind in importance - 'The Brian Project,' reading, studying, house projects, creative pursuits... My preoccupation with gaming returned: thinking about the game when I wasn't playing it. I lost control. 

It is funny how quickly my conviction to quit kindled. I played off-and-on for a couple of hours yesterday. I took a shower in the early afternoon. As I looked into the bathroom mirror, it just clicked. "You need to give them up. This isn't the life you want to live. There are other ways to have fun. You'll be OK. It might hurt but you'll live." 

Time to grow up. For real this time.

To do:

1) Add gaming websites to my web blocker. Reset the password to the blocker.

2) Wipe my laptop and post it for sale.

3) Post again this weekend detailing the events of the last two months.

4) Hold a ceremony this weekend, bury my 'friend.'