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Circadian Rhythm

CR - When do I level up outside?

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DAYS 9, 10, 11, 12 and 13

It's amazing how you can sometimes just get so busy that an entire week goes by just like that. I'm all of a sudden coming back here clocking up another week's worth of days.

I really feel like I'm starting to make strides forward. My nightly routine is really working and it's really being reinforced by having Atomic Habits by my bedside. It's not feeling uncomfortable anymore and I'm feeling the benefits in myself and how it's going to make up my goals. Let's keep this up!

On the back of this I'm going to paste in my original list of goals. As I think I'm doing pretty great by them. I'll put next to them what I'm doing to achieve them in bold.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A sub 20 minute 5km run - Getting better all the time. My 18:17 last week probably translates to about 22 minutes on an easier course. So 40 seconds down from the beginning of the year.

To play on stage as part of a band this year - Happening on the 10th March

To take on extra responsibilities at work as part of my ongoing development (including additional training) - Not happening yet, but I've asked about it and am pushing to do better. Not 100% happy with my performance right now though.

To find other hobbies that aren't either escapist, or feel like a massive amount of work like my current ones* - Still working on this. There's a book club I could join but I'm not sure about it.

To fix my sleeping routine (proper sleep - 9:30pm - 10pm bedtime + elimination of bad habits) - Really getting this right at the moment.

No gaming for 90 days (duh) - In progress

Limit my YouTube time to a maximum of 2 hours. (will review this) - I'm definitely watching less. Still would like to use it better though.

New wardrobe and equipment for running - I've got a couple of new running shirts and have cleared out my wardrobe ready for new stuff.

Take more responsibility for my own resources instead of just going along with what my parents provide - I'm buying the odd thing here and there. I'll keep this up.

Have made a full/detailed plan of what I want saved up by the end of the year for my house deposit - I'm writing the full plan tomorrow. I've weighed up the difference between the help to buy ISA and a LISA and I just need to do final calculations on whether my decision to try and do both cleverly will work.

On the whole. Very happy with my progress so far. I'll review again after an appropriate amount of time.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Positives: The band is finally coming together. We just need some more practice. The guy I formed it with completely agrees with me where it's working and where it isn't and wants to keep writing with me regardless of what happens with the band. I'm finally getting my guitar sorted out by a tech as well, who taught me a hell of a lot about taking care of it better. All big things for the future if I'm ever forming a band I'm proud of.

My running is also great and saved me from being miserable about a week of work I didn't enjoy. The 20 lap challenge really pushed me in the right way. My half marathon training probably couldn't be going much better.

Negatives: I'm still relying on my phone too much for entertainment sometimes. I read something midweek about it being the equivalent of junk food in terms of entertainment and it really resonated with me. I'm pretty strict on my junk food consumption in life as it will make me a shit runner. So I just have to treat this as the same.

My social life is also in the crapper. I knew this was inevitable as I'm in a big period of transition at the moment where I'm trying to leave a lot of my old habits, and it means old friends with it. I'm not resisting the change but it's very difficult, and I'm finding myself much more bitter and upset about it than I'd like. I really miss how social I used to be and hope that I make some new and more suitable friends soon. I think this will come down to finding some more hobbies come March when my immediate short term goals are done.

Work isn't much fun at the moment either. My work isn't my ideal career path and I'm very aware of that sometimes. So it's likely a longer term goal to work out how to make my career a bit happier. Even if that's a career change somewhere down the line. Or maybe this clears up and I'm fine. You never know. We'll see.

My final long run for the marathon tomorrow. Other than that I might look to try and establish some more new hobbies tomorrow.

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DAY 14

A good day on the whole! I did my furthest and farthest run at 12.2 miles in 1:42:51. So I reckon I'm well on for a sub 1:50 in the half marathon next month. Bloody hard one today though. I'll need to wind down the miles a bit a think now so I can properly rest up my muscles for next month.

My guitar is back with me as well having picked it up today and everything seems completely fixed and ready for the gig in a couple of weeks time. I now will likely only be using it for rehearsals and the gig itself now to keep the new strings sounding half decent. There's another one I can use for general practice.

Some other things. I've reorganised my phone so the distractions are much harder to reach and any social media is hidden away. Just being able to instantly click on it at the touch of a button has been a big problem and making such an instant reaction harder to do seems to be limiting my time and interest toward those apps. Perfect!

Same went for any links to porn. Anything bookmarked is now gone and my laptop has been cleaned of any cookies of searches that would lead me towards it, with a block on the obvious ones. Again will make it much harder to slip accidentally.

I've did my research today on how I'm funding my house deposit as well. It's really just a matter of double checking everything in the ISA I'll be setting up now and calling them up to confirm it! Ideally I get this done tomorrow but I have time.

I also got a little bit of work done but quite slowly. I need to keep working on some new systems so I can ideally perform my job a bit better, and build in those good habits. It's been hard but if I keep up.

I potentially may be looking at a book club to join as well as a more relaxing hobby. There's one that runs monthly on Mondays and it'll probably be good for me to have more of an incentive to keep up my reading before bed hobby.

I may potentially go to a gig tonight. I've done the marketing for it at work so it might be nice to go along and support it. I've gotta decide in the next few minutes though.

So yeah. Basically lots happening. Plenty more to come hopefully.

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DAYS 15, 16, 17, 18 and 19

And just like that another week goes by. Plenty to talk about and catch up on.

I'll start with the distractions. My methods are really working on the whole. I'll be interested to see my stats sheet on my phone this week about how much my social media time is down but I bet it's massive. I still do get distracted every now and then but it's still fantastic progress. Sleeping routine is still spot on. The important thing is now that the routine and the new additions to my life feel comparatively normal and right somehow. Like I should have been doing it all along. This may prove to be the best discovery I'll make on this entire journey.

I still get the odd craving to indulge a bad habit (like play a game) but knowing how far I've come now it's easy to see how just one bad thing gets me in a pattern and puts me back to the start. That I don't want.

To more tangible things. I did join that book club after all! I've really liked the reading habit I've developed reading "Atomic Habits" before bed (just finished it last night, full of invaluable advice) and want to keep it up. Through this I'll meet new people and explore new boundaries and books I'd have never looked at otherwise, which I'm really excited about. Everyone seems really nice too, apart from one pompous blowhard, but you can't win them all!

Both running and band practice were awesome this week. The material is coming together for the band and not before time too. Some more rehearsal time and it'll sound really good! Gig is now next weekend! Came around bloody quickly. People are noticing my running improvements at the club and remarking on it, and I really finished my run on Thursday strongly. Can't wait to test this theory tomorrow over a new 5k course to see whether I've really gotten quicker.

The only drawback is I've found work tricky lately. But even this seems to be coming up trumps. I had my review today and my boss told me how well he thought I was doing, how conscientious I was and how he wanted to build the team around my colleague and I. And even topped it by offering me a pay raise. Honestly what a damn week. Couldn't be happier with it.

No LISA opened yet but that'll come. It's been a busy week. This is the first evening I've been home since my last diary entry after all. Honestly long may this continue. If this keeps up this will be an absolute banner year for me.

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DAYS 20 and 21

Good and bad as is standard for weekends. I did a 22:39 over a really difficult new 5k course and finished top 50 for the first time. So so pleased with that. Didn't think I'd start hitting top 50 in races for a while yet. I think that would translate to a 21:00 - 21:30 over a flat course. I'm picking up time really really quickly.

Had a lovely day out in London with a friend of mine again and have got some more read some more pages of the new book for book club. I've been pretty great at embracing new things in general this week and am liking my new attitude.

Today was harder though. I've been running so much lately that today's recovery run I never got going on due to being in pain, so I best rest till Tuesday now. I got some work stuff done, saw my friend and completed some more admin based stuff and chores. Unfortunately I relapsed on porn today. I just had nothing else to preoccupy myself with. My acoustic is broken, my electric is set up for the gig and I don't want to play it for anything other than that and rehearsals. It is at it's most difficult to resist when I just can't find other things to preoccupy myself with. So I need to try and look a little bit harder. Maybe I could have tried meditating? Ideally I'd like to be out of the house more than I already am. Maybe this will be solved once I can play the guitar again after my writing process is finished. Who knows. Sundays are proving difficult right now as I end up having too much spare time.

I'll think of something though. Onto another week.

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DAYS 22 - 29

Gig is done! Man that was an experience. Although I'm kind of suffering from post gig blues (not a pun) since now it's the day after. I did it! I played music at a venue I grew up watching people play in. That's amazing! Everyone seemed to really like it and remarked on how well I played. I didn't feel phased at all. I'd not had the best day up to that point either. I bought an expensive new guitar pedal which then broke during sound check. Awesome. It meant I was a bit quiet in final mix. And I managed to scratch the bumper of my car as I couldn't see out the side window with a bass drum in the front on the way to the venue. It's done now and it'll cost some money to fix, so no point crying over it.

So the week itself was a bit more mixed too. We deliberately cut loose a client at work in acrimonious circumstances. He complained about me and a colleague personally and used it as a justification to withhold payment from our company. Not fun but at least my boss backed me up. The last week was just obscenely busy and not fun for anyone. I'm hoping that I can at least learn some lessons as how to manage difficult clients in the future, and maybe have a an easier week. If not then I'll probably need a holiday before long.

It's meant that certain parts of my routine were a it more difficult with that and rehearsals and running training. I'm still keeping it up mostly though. It's meant I'm a good way through "Americanah" (for my book club) and I'm enjoying it so far. It's been an interesting window into Nigerian culture and subtle elements of race relations I perhaps wouldn't have otherwise seen. Something feels very honest about it and Adichie's very good at identifying the little nuances that make up love, culture and stories.

I am sadly struggling in other respects. My social life feels like it's died a death and this felt confirmed by talking to some of them that came to my gig on Sunday. It was awkward, I felt like I had nothing to say to them anymore. I don't feel like I have a home socially anymore and I find that really difficult. Yes I'm establishing a new identity for myself but it's difficult when I naturally want to bond with others over what I'm doing now and find that I have nobody. I don't know what to do yet really. Maybe there are other things I can still do in addition to my other hobbies that are more social. But I'm not going to rush and decide tonight as I won't solve it. Let's try and enjoy the small victories I am achieving, and hopefully they'll see me through the odd, empty, depressing periods I'm going through at the moment. I'll feel I'm home again before I realise it. I don't want to carry on feeling like this though, in spite of my recent successes.

Edited by Circadian Rhythm
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DAY 29 Gratitude Diary

I have been completely forgetting about this! I am grateful for

  • The gig yesterday going as well as it could have done and just everyone for giving me the opportunity, those that played on stage with me and those that come to see it.
  • My parents for calming me down when I pranged the car yesterday. It meant I regained my composure before going on stage.
  • My boss for allowing me to define my own workload for the week. One of those small perks that I can't imagine getting many other places at my level.

 

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DAY 30 to 39

I'm still around! Just busy. Or perhaps I'm making less time for this when I should be? Either way, I'm definitely finding myself tired at the moment. But it's been a super busy month, so that's to be expected.

Main highlights of the last 10 days include my running times continuing to fall (including running my first race for my club), keeping up my most important habits with only one minor slip, and reconnecting with some friends I was worried I was going to lose. It's been nice really. But despite my recent pay rise I do feel kind of like I'm running on fumes at work and wonder whether there's something more or better I can do. Whether in this field or another. We'll see.

I plan to really take stock on Saturday. By the middle of Sunday with the half marathon done I will have completed the important initial goals I set out for myself this year (or at least the ones I told others about). That means I need some new ones. Saturday will be a day where I don't have to do much apart from repair my car, so I'll have plenty of time to plan and maybe try a couple of things. I've been thinking of starting a blog, and doing something more creative, or really throwing myself into training to be better in my job. I have my summer holiday to properly plan and my finances to consider for the house move. There's loads I could do. But it'll be about choosing what makes me happiest.

On the whole I'm happier too. There's so much going on but I feel like there's so much still to do and accomplish. I'm pleased but still feel like I'm not hitting my potential and I don't feel "at home" yet. I assume that'll come with time and the correct decisions made now.

So yeah. This entry feels a bit light on things done and my thoughts unformed but maybe that's not such a bad thing. Like I said, bring on Saturday to thing again and for some new challenges.

Gratitude Diary

I am grateful for:

  • My friends still inviting me to things when I'm a bit distant and wrapped up in things.
  • To all those that have encouraged and helped me in my lead up to the half marathon
  • To music for being an ever wonderful source of focus and emotion, and making me feel alive like no other thing.

Here's something I was listening to today to help get me through a tricky work day. My tastes are a little niche but I wish I could express my love of music more in this way. It's something I've always tried to work out how to do but never really succeeded at. Until next time.

 

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DAYS 40 - 46

Well more than anything I've been absolutely exhausted. I'll start with my half marathon. I absolutely smashed my target time and did it in 01 hour 41 minutes and 3 seconds and finished in the top 500 places. That's so so much quicker than was expecting and was absolutely the highlight of my weekend. I've really set my mind to training this year and it's paid off.

I had a nice night before that too. Got to catch up with a bunch of friends and was kinda flirty with this girl I haven't seen in a long while. We're talking now so I'm interested to see where it goes. She's not my usual type but she's absolutely lovely. So you never know? We're meant to be meeting up soon. Otherwise it's been lovely catching up with a lot of old friends recently. Even if only briefly.

I'm not gonna lie. There have been some negatives. I feel like my habits haven't been as great. That I need to give myself a little bit of a kick up the arse when it comes to getting in to work on time for example. I'm not enjoying my job at the moment. I've been thinking a lot about not having enough of a voice and not being able to express myself enough. I don't have long so I won't go into a long diatribe but I need to make some time to try some different things in my field, just so I feel like I have some more leverage, and have more opportunities to do more with my life.

Or maybe I just need a holiday. I'm not all that sure yet. Maybe making more entries on here but shorter ones will help me make more sense of this.

Gratitude Diary

I am grateful for:

  • My colleague helping my through a big meeting today. I was really stressed out over it beforehand.
  • Mum for being so helpful on the day of the half marathon.
  • It's silly but the Autoglass guy who repaired my car with an absolute minimum of fuss, meaning I didn't have to worry about it.

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DAYS 47 - 65

I'm still here! Although I'm probably not in the best place. My malaise from the last entry has continued and I'm almost wondering whether to reset the countdown. I haven't played any games, but I've procrastinated out of tiredness and watched some gaming videos sometimes when I've gotten back home. I don't know whether this is in the spirit of the rules, even though I've not broken the letter of them. If anyone else wants to comment on that I'm happy to take some advice on what to do next.

I have still kept up a lot of good habits though so it's not all bad. Running is still going great. I just need to have another target beyond the 5k one. I'm playing guitar a decent amount still and reading a lot. Just less so perhaps than I could be.

Part of why I'm struggling right now is that after achieving a lot of goals I set out to do this year I've struggled to replace them with new ones. And all I've really wanted was a break. So I reconsulted my James Clear book and figured that it's come back down to not enjoying the process enough again because of my tiredness. I feel like if I just refocus on enjoying the things I'm supposed to enjoy then my desire to achieve and my goals might come back too. That includes resetting my environment to better facilitate and focus. I've got some time off this week and I can re-plan and reset.

Based on this. I'm gonna look at my original goals again and see what I've achieved, and it might help me decide where to head next.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

A sub 20 minute 5km run - Kept this up! I did a 21:17 last week. Considering I started the year on 23:40 as my PB I chuffed to bits with how well this is going.

To play on stage as part of a band this year - Happened and it felt like a massive achievement. Band reconvenes in May for more writing. It doesn't feel like enough though and I need to do more about this.

To take on extra responsibilities at work as part of my ongoing development (including additional training) - I've felt more comfortable since my glowing review. I need to book training though. Just staying abreast with industry developments isn't enough.

To find other hobbies that aren't either escapist, or feel like a massive amount of work like my current ones* - Joined that book club. It's nice but I still feel a bit restless. I'm going to keep weighing things up. I'm loving reading though

To fix my sleeping routine (proper sleep - 9:30pm - 10pm bedtime + elimination of bad habits) - This has slipped as my focus is wandering to things I want to do outside of work. Need to fix as it's a massive help to my overall wellbeing.

No gaming for 90 days (duh) - Day 65. Although other procrastination things I'm doing aren't really in the spirit of the rules. So I may be starting a new countdown.

Limit my YouTube time to a maximum of 2 hours. (will review this) - I'm failing this one pretty badly at times lately. Will review as to what I can replace this with and how to better enjoy more productive and altruistic uses of my time.

New wardrobe and equipment for running - Few new things again. Need a proper running watch if I'm going to take my running seriously.

Take more responsibility for my own resources instead of just going along with what my parents provide - I do my bit. Could always do more.

Have made a full/detailed plan of what I want saved up by the end of the year for my house deposit - Getting a LISA but I should have done this by now. I'm nervous about what a gigantic financial commitment it is. It's a big leap.

So some good some bad. I'll be changing some of these goals based on completing a few.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So on the whole, I have done well so far this year. But now I've got some time off coming I need to reset. I also need to work out whether I'll keep coming here when my 90 days is up. I don't know whether I feel like a very good community contributor here and whether this is the best fit for me. I'll keep going to 90 on the 10th of May though.

Edited by Circadian Rhythm

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This is also a very difficult topic for me. When I have a goal and work to get it, its great, but when its done, or when it loses its meaning for some reason, then its very hard for me to go back on the train. Its this tiredness you are speaking o. Some times I just want to rest, and with little intention of going back to work on those goals. And I think this is when good little habits come to the rescue.

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Hey Brother,

Congrats on Smashing your Time! I used to do cross country, mad respect for you, those marathons are no joke! I feel you on the goals,  perhaps its time to take a break and celebrate do something you enjoy and have a day or week for you! Celebrate your changed relationship with gaming and how lucky you are from getting out that trap! Take a night to celebrate on all your accomplishment and know that world is your playground! Sometimes when im feeling tired or drained, I ask myself what have I forgotten? What are you trying to tell me body? Usually its I forgot a meal, or need to exercise and I feel back to normal! 

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On 4/15/2019 at 9:26 PM, dahankus said:

This is also a very difficult topic for me. When I have a goal and work to get it, its great, but when its done, or when it loses its meaning for some reason, then its very hard for me to go back on the train. Its this tiredness you are speaking o. Some times I just want to rest, and with little intention of going back to work on those goals. And I think this is when good little habits come to the rescue.

I think you're absolutely right. It's been getting back into these that I think is going to help me stay focused and push back up to the next level. It's also when I slipped from these recently that I felt at my lowest and just directionless and listless. I saw what the rather bleak looking alternative was and it served as a nice reminder. How I'll stop finding the habits themselves sometimes just oppressive in their insistent nature I'm not quite sure yet.

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On 4/20/2019 at 12:09 AM, AssellusPrimus said:

Hey Brother,

Congrats on Smashing your Time! I used to do cross country, mad respect for you, those marathons are no joke! I feel you on the goals,  perhaps its time to take a break and celebrate do something you enjoy and have a day or week for you! Celebrate your changed relationship with gaming and how lucky you are from getting out that trap! Take a night to celebrate on all your accomplishment and know that world is your playground! Sometimes when im feeling tired or drained, I ask myself what have I forgotten? What are you trying to tell me body? Usually its I forgot a meal, or need to exercise and I feel back to normal! 

Cheers man. I appreciate it. I did get the chance to have a little time off over Easter, but I probably needed a little more as I don't feel like it helped all that much. I think what I'm suppressing some of the things I really want because I feel I need to do things in a certain order or in a certain way, and in my heart of hearts I'm pushing back against it. I'll be reframing my goals in an entry below incorporate some of these new things through what I've learned in this process.

I'm pleased in a way that I'm not playing games but feel like I replaced it with some other unhealthy things, so I think my challenge will need a part 2 or reframing. But I'm on Day 89 now. So that's cause for celebration in a couple of days time for sure!

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DAYS 66 - 89

This is gonna be a bit of a shorter entry today as I'm at work currently and I've not been making entries with any frequency due to a broken laptop. So the below is a summary.

On day 89 it's wonderful to say that playing games rarely enters my head anymore. It's a habit that seemingly became much easier from about Day 30 onwards and I have no habits or connections relating to the need or desire to play video games.

However, I think at times I've really replaced it with binging YouTube content and other unhealthy things when I've not got a goal in mind or have been really needed a rest like I did just before Easter. It makes me feel like to an extent, I've been playing the challenge on easy mode. That really I'm only just getting started in developing a truly healthy relationship with myself, my goals and my vices.

I remember reading on here somewhere that the 90 days and the gaming detox was just the beginning. And I strongly feel that now. Yes I'm about to complete the challenge. But really it's only the beginning. The same went for my half marathon. The same went for playing in a band for the first time. Each thing will build up into harder challenges and it's more important than ever to keep up the habits and lessons I'm learning to really move forward and become the person I want to be.

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DAY 90-93 (Challenge Completed)

It's done! And my sentiment largely reflects how I felt in my last post. Yes it's done but I have some much more to do. Again keeping this short due to being at work.

I have the celebration to add of a new 10k best over the weekend at 43:20. Which is a massive improvement over the 53:03 I did 9 months ago. And yet I really don't feel ready to celebrate. I don't feel like I'm there yet at all and yearn for more serious and lasting changes. I'm not going to do that without taking a serious risk somewhere probably and changing the direction of my life completely. But what would that be? Or am I pressing the nuclear button too soon? Do I seek help for the forthcoming changes before I make a decision I might regret?

All these I'll have to answer soon. And this is coming from a guy who can't even decide on a holiday that won't break the bank at the moment.

Edited by Circadian Rhythm
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Congratulations! 

If you can take the responsibility for changing, then I say go for it!! Enjoy the excitement, and uncertainty!! Make your life amazing!! And remember the things that helped you get here, and keep doing them as not to stop your advance. 

Good luck!

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