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Mike's Journal


mikeyb93
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Almost through week 1. Feeling a lot better already. I have been reading a lot more. Fiction novels and more pleasure reading than anything of great quality, but its enjoyable and keeps me from getting to game crazy. The first few days were very rough with constant thoughts of gaming, but I have calmed back down and am feeling better already.

 

On 6/22/2018 at 5:50 AM, nekoexmachina said:

Hey Mike,

I'm Mike, too.

Too bad about your depression. I frrl u though. Good luck!

Thanks Mike!

There are a lot of Mikes here. Thanks for your concerns a well wishes

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23 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Hang in there, man. A relapse, as sucky as it is, can be an eye-opener. I once watched a video of gameplay footage from the new God of War. I used to play that shit like crazy. I was curious, thought it couldn't hurt, yadda, yadda. I ended up watching over 20 minutes and I stopped when I realized how fast my heart was beating, I had a headrush. I realized that my body still, after all this time, very much responds to video games in a bad way. I feel empathy for your setback. But learn from it and get back on that horse, buddy.

What do you watch instead of video game stuff? I am used to watching lots of lets plays and commentaries even when I went through 65 days video game free. I still match some stuff now or have it on in the background while I work. What would you recommend watching instead?

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Guess its day 8. Doing alright so far. A lot of the cravings have gone away. Its tough to break away from game related content and games. It is amazing how pervasive gaming is in my life. It does help that I really like warhammer 40k and a lot of it is videogame based. Reading books has helped, although I need to find some cheaper ones.  $12 is a lot for 400 or so pages on kindle.

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Going past merely video games I have an issue where I prefer fiction to reality.  While it isn't fun to admit, my actions show that I prefer to enjoy an imagined reality. The imagined reality whether in the form of a game, book, movie, (porn could be here too), etc comes with a predetermined goal that I value. Then I complete or watch the goal get completed. In the games I complete the goal myself. In the movies/books/videos of gaming, I insert myself and appreciate it as if I were the main character. It feels good in the moment because outside of these things I don't have any goals. I may be self employed, but I I don't try to take my business anywhere, it just exists. I lift weights, but I don't have any determined goals for my body in looks, strength or endurance. I practice martial arts, but there is no point of skill, or number of tournaments I'd like to win. I don't have any serious desire for a relationship at the moment. All these add up to me just existing.

I would assume that most people on here have stumbled on to some Jordan Peterson video where he talks about goal setting and the  act of working towards a goal is where most people get their source of happiness. I have an issue trying to figure out what goal I should pursue, but when I think about any individual goal it seems pointless. I don't have any lack and I don't see how chasing after something I don't need would make my life more enjoyable. Its a frustrating place to be.

If I start thinking in terms of attributes that would make my life better it gets a little easier. I would appreciate if my house and car were consistently cleaner. More energy and health, primarily from a better diet. I'd like to spend less time on electronics and less time on politics/fiction in general. I would also like to remove any potential money issue. I think looking at things this way will help me more than thinking "If I get to X point I will be happier".

 

Edit # 1Or... I could buy Civ 5 for less than $15. it sounds so tempting as I have very little to do this week. Wish me luck.

 

Edit #2. Fuck me I really need to stop looking at steam. I am ready to buy games just in case I want to play them later.

Edited by mikeyb93
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