Relapse Notes/Explanation

[wheatbiscuit]

I watched Cam's relapse video, whilst going for another level on my game. I do tend to surprise myself frequently, acting and thinking the way I do - though most of the time in good faith. The surprise was reflecting on being hit by all 4 relapse factors last Saturday, almost in the same order given: 1) Stress 2) Feeling Good 3) Used as a Reward and 4) Boredom. 

What happened was 1) Stress in a public place, 2) Feeling good for initially prioritising my mental health, 3) Used as a reward for reaching out and updating you here, and 4) Boredom when I convinced myself that 'zombie-time-goals' were the healthiest short-term option (though on my game, they never stay short-term in my case). 

What I thought and/or discovered was that no one was going to come knocking on my door (at home or virtually in direct message) because of the decisions I made alone, on and offline. A lot of my activities in the last 1-2 months, what with my new and existing social groups and the members in them were not planned very well. I put a lot into the new groups, and I guess didn't get what I needed. 

The same needs for reciprocation can be brought up here. It is not yours, or perhaps anyone's fault. I had an interesting and active first stage of my life, and between those things (and being me), I express a lot and usually have. The disappointment I felt in both myself and my 'circle' - including these forum pages - was enough for me to decide to withdraw (and delete my journal - wise, I am not sure, but I felt humiliated/humbled enough), and it could have been a longer period than just this last week. I have had my basic music collection + system recommendations, other random players and webpages in general to thank for that (and then my conscience). 

I noticed one main thing this past week, and that's my lacking in the 'balls' department. I may not even need different medication, if at all to fix this. However, I have not actually allowed myself to fully mesh with my physical/local community since living on my own. There is no assurance that this is even possible, but it is essential that I give it a go. I guess all I'm asking for is a 'good luck', like I finished so many of my previous posts with, but also because I don't want to just remember being mad at everyone and that you deserve this explanation and better from others.

Heaped personal messages to friends and family wasn't working, and being overly attached to the typing of 'the whole story' very frequently here turned out not to work well enough either. I want to be a kind of responsible that I haven't quite yet tried.

Some people seem to have mentioned merely 'having mental health' as though it were a bad thing - even having the conscious awareness of it. To me, that is appalling. Not now, nor in the future do I want myself or anyone to feel the need to play games on a machine (and be 'played' in return) any more or less than when I found GQ, one and a half years ago. What I want for us/everyone who resorts to the internet is conscious and good mental health. That's why from now I'll probably just lurk/stop by while trying to do life the way I need/was meant to. I might like posts or sometimes reply with praise/encouragement, but I am convinced way more of my life remains 'out there', or at least where I might really have to put in work, besides compulsively recounting my day/airing my thoughts.

Sorry for any grief. What also hit me this week is how fragile our collective ties can be, so I'll try to remember that as well. Peace,

Matt