Day 1

[Grace]

Morning is when I get on the computer/phone. I usually rise early and have plenty of time to play.  I get my coffee, sit down and have at it. Before I know it my day needs to start, I have things to do, but I don't want to stop. I think just a few more minutes and if I absolutely have to stop, I think about when I can play later. Day in and day out this is a the pattern.  

At first all this was fun,enjoyable, but when it shifted to a need - it lost its lustre.  So in the last several weeks I notice I'm tired of it, but can't stop. I tell myself doing this is so ridiculous and I still can't, or rather, won't stop.  I think, I need help, but I'm really embarrassed by this addiction. I have experience, knowledge and skills that should allow me to manage this situation and I ignore it all or make a half-hearted attempts at applying what I know would help.

Finally, I realize it cannot continue. There's no pleasure in it, it just makes me feel unhappy I'm caught in this loop. The need to stop overrides my need to hide what I'm doing. No matter if I'm ashamed, embarrassed or feel stupid I must reach out, start somewhere to end this addiction.

My first journal entry yesterday was that step.

Today took another step, made myself more visible  - I attended a meditation meeting at Gaming Addicts Anonymous (GAA) and the group was so welcoming and supportive I felt hopeful and positive that I can be successful. I'll be going back regularly to the meditation meeting and plan to attend one of the several general meetings they hold everyday to offer support and guidance to people like me. My experience, knowledge and skills tells me this is the way to go.

It felt good this morning to break the pattern. Along with my coffee, I worked on a family photo album I'm putting together, read a few chapters in a book on color theory (love art) and did a ken-ken puzzle (very fun).

YES!!!!