Third Times a Charm : another Daily Journal

[KeepMoving]

2nd Day,

Welp, this this my third time here.

I've moved on from college and gotten a job. I've moved around and burned down a few possible lives. Now I'm somewhere stable and it looks like my team supports me. Hopefully I'll become someone useful to them... and earn lots of money hahha

Now, life outside my career... That is neglected. So, here I am, again.

Steam is set to end
So that a new life begins
again and again

[KeepMoving]

3rd Day,

Feeling aimlessness
times hands spinning without end
No target in sight

[KeepMoving]

28 days to deletion

I guess I can't escape so easily. But, with this deletion timer there is hope. A new place I will move too soon, and for once I will have a chance to center myself.

[KeepMoving]

27 days

Had to confront the main person I was gaming with. I never believed that that place really wanted me, but it was a very accommodating place to everyone. Shame to leave it really.

[KeepMoving]

Unsure what to track., But here I am again. In desperate need of accountability I guess.
There's some career related actions that I must take, but they will take much time and dedication.

As strategy, meant to switch to macbook, but having a powerful windows pc unlocks potential. Agonizing. Can't decide

So, here to track.

I think I have an idea.
Each game will be listed.
It's hook
I will devise a replacement.
They will be listed everyday... until it is replaced.
Sometimes, I may muse about the game... trying to get a grasp

I will avoid listing ... anything explicitly good about something. Can't find spoiler tag hmmm. It's important to tackle these head out.

 

Genshin Impact
A dangerous one. Not even because of the content, for it's content actually goes pretty quickly. Could be like Zelda if that was just it. No... it's the gacha system. A system designed to ensnare the bind into repeated habits. Heck, it's not even the gacha. Though it is. It's the fact that every day you Don't play, you miss out on the currency needed to pull. It's like going to a casino and being told you can only pull half as much as the next person, all because you weren't dedicated enough. Just play everyday, and you will have the greatest chance to get what you want. Sinister. If I want to quit, it's permanent since I will miss out on so much. hooked like a fish.

I think this is most dangerous because there is some social aspect going on. something... I can't define. It's an isolated game. What is it. What replaces it. I feel like this one strikes at the heart of my isolation and is thus a consequence of it. The habitual control. Hm. It consumed time that is not planned. Jeeze what an opponent. Let's stop the others first.

Overwatch
Not a threat... recent fun. I guess I should just uninstall

No Mans sky.
Fresh, can just uninstall. Not a threat

Major games on top of head. I will delete two before tomorrow. List others.





 

[KeepMoving]

Days free
Impact (1)
OW(0)
NMS (1)
Pinocchio Souls (1 ) I WANT TO SO BAD

Thoughts
Weird that OW is the bigger threat. I just want to turn off brain and shoot things. Maybe I was already in the burnout phase of impact. Still unsure if I should just bind up this computer and place it to the side for now. It's worked in the past... I might. I'll be on vacation with only my laptop soon so maybe I should. I think... I should bind it.
For this month. Will be on vacation awhile.

Possible solution
Flow state. That's what I want. To actually get into something and enjoy it. To flow into something better. To grow.
I have a career though... and a skill that is slowly sharpening... or maybe it isn't.
I

Bitterness
I remember... a long time ago where I literally destroyed my gaming PC just to put a stop to this. Why is it so difficult. Why have I not found a replacement. *sigh*
 

[KeepMoving]

Well, I have deleted most from my computer. In the end I must shrink the role of this gaming pc. One step at a time.

[KeepMoving]

Days Free
Impact (2)
OW (1)
NMS (2)

Pinnochio souls

Never started, but I also can't help but feel like it isn't a threat. Can't tell if traitorous mind. A game that begins and ends. A story that opens and closes. I feel like, those are usually not too dangerous. In end the end I feel like the main problem with gaming are the tricks of the casino that they use to ensnare minds.

So, Anyways, To continue tracking what's missing and to search a replacement

Flow State

Perhaps an act of creation. But, in the end I don't feel like I'm engaging in a flow state. If I'm frank I can think of one obvious reason. I'm developing other peoples products to exchange for money. A rather demotivating fact.
Perhaps that skill isn't as intrinsically rewarding as I thought. I know some people who just can't help but use their programming skills to build things in their off time. I feel like I'd have to drag myself to the project just to get started.
My current skill doesn't offer me a reprieve from time and anxiety. Only work pressure can even push me close. Hrmm. Something is missing here.
What is it?
 

Social

I have something I must confront. Something that could be nothing. Something that could be everything. It's something that can only be found by going out there and participating in the grand theater of human social experience. Because I am looking for my role. And there is a serious possibility, that the role could be impossibly different than I ever imagined. I'm not sure I could survive that possibility, but I must figure it out.

The stagnation is slowly deteriorating everything away.
The urge to look away and pretend it's not there, is so overwhelming. So blinding. It's as if every way I reach out, is steadily and almost gently being pushed away, from hope, into myself. Folding into myself, forever, into an infinitely small void. Pulling in all these distractions like stars. They enchant and disappear.

Pft, frankly times like these where I result the impulse and try to push back bewilder me. I guess having an active career is a godsend.
 

[KeepMoving]

Games and motivation section 

Zelda: Tear

Extract

Fun game. adventures. Story. What are the reason that can be extracted. Will stick with one overarching reason for now.

Kind of territorial. You have a map. You unlock it. You master the physical location you are in and can travel freely in it.
The ability to travel freely without stress. I think that's a big motivator. I got outside and my brain gets completely overloaded with trying to be perceived in a threatening light. Maybe it's that status of being the "swordsman"

Status. You have a status that enables to travel and communicate freely. Without too much interpersonal fear.

Implement

At the very least, I can put a bit more color into my own room. It's a perpetual mess... Maybe there's something to be had by trying to claim it.

The status/reputation aspect is super bitter. Ugh, yuck. In the end, it's about what role I should be playing when walking out and about. Because... the default role is 'threat' if I don't take care to polish up... some image... or something.

I have to choose how to display myself. That's very stressful. Might even have to look at a mirror. *shivers*

Overwatch 2

Extract

getting gud, but also being casual, supporting a team, not being alone

This is another challenging one. This is a skill that can be improved without melting down in stress. I specifically play game modes where I can improve myself, but also where I have the lowest chance of getting flamed online. I'm not here to beat other people. But, challenging other people is really the only way to prove I'm getting better. Two opposing forces pushing each other upwards. It's a foreign energy. But I am here, aren't I? It's an arbitrary skill too. I think maybe this is just the sports category? Being a part of a team? improving generically?

Might the answer be.

Implement

Some kind of team sport?
Something to improve on... that I enjoy improving.





Note about this process

I'm giving up on tracking game time. It hasn't worked in 3 years. so I'm done. Not going to repeat mistakes.

I have a new outlook.
Video Gaming is part of the illusion, the imaginary, the world that is not real.
Reality is where the things worth existing for are. However, I have been dragged for away from it.

So, I will set these up as opposing forced... This... is a rough model... really gaming is real in its own right... but for now, I will consider them opposites.

But... I guess I am giving a pass for games that involve people in a 3-d space together. hrmmm. I will think about this later.

Conceptual Illusion vs Current Reality.

My goal is to determine why the illusion is winning. To be frank. In many ways the illusion is winning against reality outright. However the illusion has not replaced reality, and thus it take energy away that needs to be spent to improve reality.

So, reality is getting its butt kicked by the illusion in my life. Why? What can I learn from the illusion to improve reality.
In the end... maybe that's why gaming truly is. An agreed upon interpersonal illusion designed to uncover new things. But, these lessons must be brought home to reality.
So, this journal will now be used to figure out what is replacing reality, and to try and improve reality as much as I can with the lessons of the illusion.

There's a balance to be had here,
Addictive game mechanics, and other fiends of the cognitive landscape have seized control of the process for profit. It's tragic, but one most always keep up the guard.


IF the illusion can ever replace reality and satisfy all needs and keep a high level of mental health.
It might be the end of an entire era of humanity, lol.