My Journal - The Return

[DW1909X13]

17-05-22 - 1 - 3 days

So I am a returning 'Game Quitter' and am doing another detox. How am I back here? Well, I fell back into the habit of gaming. I had completed 100+ days of no games, then gradually gaming crept back in and I'm sick of it. Actually, I am frustrated, pissed off and disappointed that I am back here....but I am here and that's a start.

I actually stopped again on Sunday, so that's 3 days ago (?) and I just want to stop. That's all. I want to be able to tell these games makers and publishers to f*&k off - I am no longer for sale.

I look back over my life and I have played video games in one form or another for 30ish years and I am 36. I've had phases, I've had obsessions but I've always played them. I can't do it any more. Not only have I spent a fortune on these things, I've sabotaged my school work, work, relationships, money, and my time and for what? And that's where I scare myself. Because I have no. F*&king. Answer. What could have been eh?

There is no point dwelling and regretting - I've done it and the only thing I can do is change my present to improve my future. I need to work out why these things have had this effect on me so that I can move on.

Growing up, games gave me a sense of achievement and reward I didn't get anywhere else. They became my safe space where I could/would win and be successful. Real life scared me and I still struggle with a lot of 'real world' things. I dread interreacting with people - particularly in numbers, I always over think on the 'what if...?'s' of situations, I loathe confrontation and will do anything to avoid it - totally to my detriment. I have struggled with alcoholism in the past, although I am 12+ years sober/dry. Now, if I can do that, (the first 2/3weeks were hell) I can f*&king well do this.

I think stopping gaming is just the start. I've realised I am also overly saturated with media consumption and information and that I need a break from it all. We all do. We live in a world where people's f*&king phones take over everything. I went to a concert the other day, the act walked on and straight away, there were countless phones out filming it. WTF. It's being professionally filmed for you to enjoy later - just enjoy the the show in front of you and be in the moment. I digress.

I think I am at the point of burnout and just re-reading the above shows me how rambling and scrambled my head is. I want to stop gaming. I want a simpler life where I can focus and have some real life achievements. I'm sure this is something we all share.