My story of addiction...

[diAmond64]

Hi there! My name is A.

My story of addiction expands way beyond games, and reaches other facets of the internet, such as web surfing, binge watching YouTube videos, chatting on social media sites such as Twitter, Instagram, Discord and Tik Tok, and always keeping up with the latest trends. I hate what the internet has turned me into. Before I got a phone in 8th grade, I was a happy (while sometimes frustrated), fun loving person. Now? I'm the laziest lazy I have ever met, I scowl at people who even are in the same proximity as me. I've become closed off to different opinions that aren't my own, and I'm just grumpy, tired and mean. Too much internet has also gotten me some bad grades in College, and in order to "do well" I've resorted to cheating, and looking up notes and readings on sites like SparkNotes. I can't tell you how angry this makes me feel. I feel like I've failed everyone in my life, and that those I've had conflicts with, I feel like an asshole, who only does shit for themselves. There are so many people who expect great things from me; my mom, my dad, my grandparents, my brothers, my uncles and aunts, my friends (in and outside of college) and my professors. But since I'm a lazy bum who can't seem to get off their ass and actually act towards my dreams and goals due to the thought of "it's too much effort," or "people will judge me," I've felt like I've let all of them down.

I'm not entirely sure what my first game console was, it was either the Nintendo Wii or the Nintendo DS. We solely had Nintendo consoles when my brothers and I were growing up as our parents didn't want us to be exposed to horror or shooting/violent games at a young age, - either way it damaged my mind. I absolutely adored the Wii and the DS, with games like Mario Kart and Super Mario Galaxy, Pokemon or Animal Crossing. All of those games are incredibly nostalgic for me as I used to play them hours on end, either with my brothers or by myself. These two consoles then opened the gateway towards more consoles - the N64, the Gamecube, SNES, Switch, 3DS and so on. Each console I played, I just fell more and more in love with these games, and adventures. Not only did it have achievements and progress I could strive for (and since I was controlling the characters that made me feel extra proud), but all it was was clicking buttons-so it wasn't that long draining process of sitting and reading a book, or doing schoolwork. 

I feel that my experience with games (alongside the bullying I experienced in school), is the sole reason why I'm now a socially anxious/awkward loner, who isolates themself for most of their life (even from their family), with fear of being approached by someone or being judged for my ideas. My parents even noted that when I played to many video games I would get frustrated and cranky, which would lead me to snap at people, and I feel like where this prejudiced paradigm of everyone comes in play. Since I'm struggling to get over this "my way or the highway" notion, and the stereotypes society put on me (that I have to stay in the background, it's safe in the background), whenever someone in college interrupts my zone or does something quirky, I find it obnoxious and I think something along the lines of "what the hell is that person doing? They look stupid." Yes, while it may be stupid, it shows that they're okay with being themselves and aren't worried what others think, which is what I struggle with. 

Nowadays, I still play games. And I still have a bias against hard work - which is why I have been bullshitting everything, so I can have more time to be on the internet. I've become it's puppet, and I don't like it. I want to be something, I can be proud of, and that everyone who is expecting great things from me can be proud of too. I don't want them or myself to be disappointed in me 'cause i lay on my ass all day. I want to start working harder for college, and doing my best in my classes. I want to actually read, read new adventures and stories and see what zany, and wacky conflicts these thoughtful characters go on. I also want to read non-fiction, and learn about history, the arts, science, and myths. I want to be more social, I want to get rid of this "My way or the highway" mindset, and just start accepting and being open to the fact that everyone was raised differently - in that they'll see things differently. I just want to start being nice, and stop isolating myself and blaming my issues on others.

I also want to learn a multitude of languages so I can communicate with more people (Arabic, French, German, Italian, Russian, and Spanish). I also want to learn how to play the drums, piano and saxophone - not only to know how to play instruments which would be hella cool, but to help jumpstart a career in the music industry - my main goal. 

Other smaller goals include: 

Praying to God

Drinking enough water everyday 

Taking my medicine

Working out/exercising

Meditating

Putting on my face medicine (morning and night)

Getting 8+ hours of sleep

and actually brushing my teeth (morning and night)

 

This is a lot of stuff and I'm not expecting to do it all right away. My main focus for now is doing better with schoolwork and not cheating, and trying my best, instead of half-assing it, as well as improving my social situation. 

With all of this, I don't know where to start on my recovery process from games. I honestly haven't given it much thought. Just logged on cause I saw this place and I needed a space where I could vent all my issues and frustrations away. If any of you have any thoughts that'd be great - need a place where I can start walking.

Anyway, I have a lot of homework to complete - and studying to do, so have a great night!

 

A