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JoshXVG's Journal


JoshXVG
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3/9/2022
So much has happened over the years, Logging here the main points for myself and others to look at if curious. 

This is my first intro post, trigger warning of mental health/abuse

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-My first mental breakdown/severe manic episode was in 2013 at college which landed me in the psych ward where I was really badly treated, Medically Diagnosis with Bipolar 1 Severe Mania

-After that weekly therapy for years, med changes, Ups and Downs, Not much Gaming etc.

-My first run in with with a self proclaimed Pastor in 2018 who groomed and abused me in many ways, Financially, emotionally, intellectually, sexually, spiritually, I was his abuse project, and he told me to never take my medication and throw away all my boardgames which I obeyed,  it was the darkest moment of my life which landed me in another psych hospital <- Why this matters is because right after coming out the psych ward, that same day, Overwatch and Battleborn came out, both games for PS4 which I was really excited for.

As soon as I left the psych hospital my family took me to Walmart to purchase Overwatch and Battleborn.  I was so happy to be down with that place and ready to finally have some fun and try to forget about all the pain and trauma, just wanted to wash it all away with fun moments in gaming, leveling up, playing with friends.  Its a first person shooter moba style game which is where I always gravitated too.  Competitve Multiplayer games

Looking back I see how leaving the psych hospital to stop at Walmart before going home was a very bad decision but I / my family didn't know any better.  They just wanted me to be happy and distracted from the trauma I lived through.  I was able to leave that cult on my own will, I forsook all my beliefs and hopes, essentially my own salvation and what I thought was a true relationship with god, forsook it all and jumped ship.  That was the hardest thing I have ever done and will be the hardest thing I will ever go through, the trial of my life which freaked me out hardcore, but after years of trauma therapy I can how everything happened, there was a grieving process etc, all this great therapy things that I was taught later after the trauma onset.  After blowing off much steam in therapy and starting off on the road of my recovery I started to find hope again, the sun was shining a little brighter outside of my LED screen.

I played Battleborn so much that my eyes started to look red and they were in pain but I continued to play.  I remember sitting in a chair and just gaming away in my parents for hours.  Hours turned into days, which turned into about 3 years. Started out Coping with Videogames, this later grew into an addiction.

Played so much battleborn and overwatch that the characters became apart of my identity, since I threw my old identity away.  I really related to Junkrat from overwatch, because he was crazy and likely has a mental illness.  I imagine I was Junkrat through my mania with bipolar,  I imagined I was all the characters, I could switch between the two, which landed me in another psych hospital.  Switched between battleborn and overwatch character with the severe mania aspect of bipolar 1, definitely kept me and others entertained but was exhausting and really really bad for my mental health.

The PS4 game Dreams from Media Molecule was a rough one for me too,  I found myself creating music and I was a better musician/composer in game than I was in real life, had mania there too and ended up in another psych hospital.  I quit Dreams for PS4 for good because I was getting out of control.  My user name was PortalBone and I took on that identity and it was just rough for me mentally, it was also during quarantine where I would play all day. and forget to eat and take my meds.  I was also a script kiddy and used abusive language and other things in my mania which I feel ashamed for.  Mania is a horrible thing to go through and to have, You do really stupid things.

So Yeah,  Lots of stuff and gaming and addiciton and pain and escapism, that is the past.
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Today, on March 9th,  I feel good, went to the gym this morning with a good friend, have stable and solid medication/therapy and support team.  Yesterday on 3/8/22 I was playing overwatch and realized this was the same game that set me off and into a rough patch, So now I delete my account battle net again, hoping that I won't download it,  In meditation group last night, refuge recovery (refuge recovery.org - Power recovery group with online and inperson meetings all over the world).  I have tried quitting in the past, and its been relapses and commitments back and forth, uninstall reinstalls, Now I uninstall again, its part of the process.  I need to be okay with sitting with my feelings of pain and craving from time to time and not distract myself and escape,  Its not healthy for me to be in a safe bubble shield ( I was gonna say zarya bubble shield, that's how bad it got) 

Playing games takes up mental real-estate,  My mind/brain can only hold so many things,  I used to dream about videogames a ton at night, but nowadays the dreams are much more rare, meditation has been huge for me,  This weekend im excited to see my friends and play copious amounts of boardgames, gotta work on my informative speech for speech class, I am a computer science major who will never work on videogames because thats just triggering for me.  I would be content working for a basic company just doing office work, mundane and structured honestly, cause my brain is like the Pokemon Ditto and needs structure.  Structure is something I am relearning. because the cult I left was very structured, and I threw all of that away, only to see the need for it later.  Discipline without toxicity and abuse will be a great ally for me once I settle into the new rhythms I am trying to create.

My goal is to write here daily.  If I miss a day I know I can always return to it.
Other goals
-Graduate from community college

-Finish informative speech

-Design another board game this year

-Not to be to hard on myself, be patient and trusting the process

Thanks for reading, the rest of this journal will just be updates and daily logs, this one I thought needed this introduction on where I am at.
 

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3/9/22

Watched the GQ'ers videos on how to delete your Steam/Battlenet account

Submitted a support ticket to Steam to delete my account
Submitted a support ticket to Blizzard to delete my Battlenet account

Excited for this and a little nervous honestly,  Cravings will come.  Withdrawal is a thing I have experienced in the past when I tried the 90 day detox,  I got to about 3 weeks, caved in, and re-installed.  I have never tried deleting my account, now I can't reinstall them.  I feel like I am finally ready for a 90 day detox to jump start my sobriety because of the meditation/exercise habit I have developed

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way to go Josh I requested Steam deletion just now myself though I had detoxed before and deleted a lot of paid games from it a few years ago. The difference that made was this Steam deletion had 0 purchased games, I was that reserved about buying games there again because I knew I would delete them again without giving it much thought. Anyhow I just want to say I think you are doing a great thing keep on doing you!

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3/10/22 Day 2

 

Feeling good this morning, cooked breakfast, Had a dream about me deleting steam!  I thought that was really cool

Today's goals
Goals:going to the gym/sauna later, meditating to 432Hz tuned music, grocery shopping,  Writing the intro and body of a paper today. Rest.

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3/16/22
Its been a few days since I posted here

Recovery is going well,  My steam and blizzard accounts are officially deleted and I can never get them back.  Once I realized this, I felt sort of shocked and a little scared honestly but also hopeful.  It was like I signed up for skydiving.

The Biggest thing in my pursuit of videogame sobreity is this:

All videogames are "Candy Crush"


You click a button and the pleasure center in my brain goes Ding!  A Dopamine blast,  Whether its mindless candy crush on your phone or a competeive FPS, Its all candy crush, its all pressing a button and getting pleasure.  I can't understate how much that has helped me.  Its a relief and a realization.  All videogames are practically candy crush, even fortnite is candy crush,  Rocket league all this "Skill based games"  at the end of the day.....They are candy crush.  <---Immensly helpful in my recovery

Went to the gym the past couple of days and meditating,  Feeling really great lost 6 pounds so far and gained some strength and motivation.

Todays goals are finish speech for speech class,  one day at a time with videgame craves, and cook a delicious dinner.
 

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  • 2 weeks later...

3/29/22

Relapsed on 3/27/22

I redownloaded steam and spent 40 bucks in one day
Was pretty beat up about it
Videogames have always been my way of coping with my post traumatic stress disorder and bipolar,  Its the same story over and over again, confidence, then cravings then relapse,  I need to break this cycle somehow, or at least lengthen the time it takes for me to relapse again,  I delete steam again and the two twenty dollar games, i am afraid i will downloaded it again and spend another 20 on the same games, what will save me money in the long run, i dont know...

 

Luckily meditation group is tonight thank goodness, will be meditating about this and seeking advice from people farther along in their recovery

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On 3/29/2022 at 4:15 PM, JoshXVG said:

Relapsed on 3/27/22

Always something to learn when we fail, you will get stronger I have faith in that!

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