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About Me

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  1. So a big chunk of my life has ended with my 90 day gaming detox. I managed to quit and lose any desire to play. But it doesn't mean that I'm satisfied with it. I am empty. I suffer from loneliness and lack of discipline, I have no purpose either. My goals are vague and I don't do much to accomplish them. Quitting games was just the first step, now I need to fill my life with something healthy and meaningful. During these 3 months I've done pretty good. I've made quite a few programming projects, including web application and a 2D video game (I don't count my own game made from scratch as gaming, I've never actually played it after development). I also read quite a bit and a started going outside every day. My most recent activity is learning math. So I'd say I'm doing pretty okay. But it's definitely not enough, I want more. I wanna make it clear about my relationship with gaming from now on: I will never play Overwatch ever again; when it comes to other games, I don't care. I might play if I want to, let's say in a company somewhere, but right now I have no desire to even try. But I won't treat playing other games as a relapse. What am I gonna do next? I want to do another detox! As it says in the title, I have to move on. My next biggest addiction is YouTube. I don't use any other social media, but YouTube is a real waste of time. I think I've been watching it almost daily since 2011 or 2012. To be honest I've learnt quite a lot from it, it's a good resource for guides and teaching, but I want to at least have a break from it, so I will delete it from all my devices. But I'll have one exception: if I encounter a problem and a relevant solution from google search is on YouTube, I'll watch. As a tech nerd I google a lot, so I need YouTube guides to make my life a bit easier. That's all for now. I feel like I want to return to dumb Nokia phone in the future to do a full dopamine detox, but I think it's too much to do everything at once. I have to take it slow. I also have to develop a studying routine, fitness routine and something for socializing, but I think it's too much for a single post and for a single day. I'm on a holiday for a week, I will try to study a bit, read a bit and maybe do something for fitness. I want to try things so I would be able to set adequate goals and make a schedule. In my last journal I said that I don't need this forum anymore and that I'm leaving. So why am I writing this here? Well I still have a lot of things to work on and I like the idea of a personal development journal to make my goals more concrete, also I like writing in English I guess. I don't think that I will write here daily, but I'm open to experiment. We'll see how it goes. When I just started my first journal here in 2020 I've been seeking for attention, treated this forum as a social media. I wanted likes and replies. Right now that's absolutely irrelevant, I'm doing my own thing mainly for myself, if it'll help someone who's just starting it's a plus, but ain't my motivation. When I was writing daily in my last journal this year, I noticed that no one has replied to me in a month, and I was pleasantly surprised because it was so unrelated to my goals, that I noticed it only after about 20 days of writing. I think it shows my maturity, that what I'm doing has a real value, not just a cheap show off. Other than that I'm still an idiot lol.
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  3. Vera

    Moving on

    Hello everyone! Some of you definitely know me because I'm a member of the Discord chat under the same name (my previous nickname - Farant). For those who don't - my name is Vera, I'm 25 years old, female, from Russia. My English isn't particularly great, so don't mind my mistakes, please. I felt the need to start journaling after something bad happened in my personal life just yesterday. I've been journaling for more than 10 years on paper, so I know the drill. I'm afraid to touch my journal right now, I'll get back to it later when I'm ready. I've been a gaming addict for several years, abandoned gaming and the internet entirely for a couple of months, but it didn't really help a lot. Games were my escape from reality. I think I started thinking about it seriously last spring, became familiar with GameQuitters on Youtube. I used to play very niche online game with the toxic community, servers that died every now and then, the game was very addictive. I quit only when I got really angry at myself for wasting so much time on nothing. As time went on, I've joined Discord, did about 40 days out of 90, relapsed multiple times and eventually decided I want to play, but only one game because of my boyfriend. But the game gave me strong motion sickness, I didn't like it and I already deleted it, so I have nothing on my hard drive. I enjoy keeping an aquarium, knitting, programming, reading, journaling (obviously). I’m into Stoicism, I’m far from perfect but I’m using every opportunity to learn more and apply it in my life. I can’t say my life is empty, but I feel empty right now. I have the chance to turn it 180 degrees. I decided I’ll go to the gym once again and just try to be social, let it be the first step. It will help me hold on and not give in to depression right away. I’ve also asked my friend to go to the cinema with me when the new How to train your dragon comes out. The more I reach out to people, the more I realize I have friends I can count on. So here I am, day one. I’ve prepared things I need for the gym, tried to eat (not very successful, but better than nothing) and it’s time to go to sleep.