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Everything posted by Schwing

  1. What sucked about it? I really want to visit a Buddhist centre or temple. They look like calming places you can centre yourself, filled with unassuming people. Basically- the centre is run by an extortionist cult. My great uncle geshi kelsang gyatso is the figurehead behind it. What they do is lure young people in saying shit like "don't bother with and education! don't bother getting a job! it's unimportant! just come here and pay for these amazing courses that will enrich you spiritually!". But then they end up falling out with their family and everyone in the cult and they get cast out with no life, no money, no qualifications no nothing. They don't let you have any books there other than those made by geshi kelsang. it's total censorship. Plus the whole place stinks and all the food in the kitchen is rotten.
  2. 141 days Days porn free: 3 Today I left my comfort zone by: Working out whilst still having really sore arms from being given vaccinations injected yesterdayRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy, Art or read 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: None set Thoughts and Feelings: Got up late again! Shit!Felt pretty sluggish today.Studied a bit. There's a lot I need to plough through this easter.Worked out.Sketched out another comic pageMy mum had a foot operation today so I cooked dinner instead.Started reading Spawn. On page 9 so far. Fucking sick! Tasks and achievements: Physical: workoutMental: study, art, cookingSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalTodd McfarlaneThisWhat I have learnt from today: Starting to feel like I actually want to make comics. I can do that in my free time though. Let's hope work doesn't eat me up when I start.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Getting up and get studying. I don't fucking care if you are tired.Goal for tomorrow: Add some colour to comic page Goal for the month: Study hard for exams. Beat nofap
  3. eyy I didn't post last night because I was tired for some reason and went to sleep early.
  4. 139 days Days porn free: 1 Today I left my comfort zone by: Seeing my dad for the first time in two yearsRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy, Art or read 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: Did it. What a fucking mouthful. He was pretty unfazed though. Thoughts and Feelings: Got up as late as I could. Been getting lazy lately. I was aching like a priest's testicles this morning (hahaah I just made that up. pretty good right?). But then BOOM. Did some basic stretches (scapular shrugs and shoulder rolls). GONE.I went to see my father today. I understand him a lot more now. I still feel a little reserved around him though. He is a total nutcase! Totally free spirit. Most retarded sense of humour I have ever encountered. He started singing opera and reciting the tibetan alphabet as loudly as he could in the middle of the kitchen. HAH. I would have joined in if I wasn't so insecure. Damn.There's a lot of cool people at that buddhist centre. maybe I will go for a weekend just for that and the nice area. Everything else sucks there though.Learnt a lot today. Too much to share right now.Came home and watched some shitty movie. The Equaliser.Going to bed now. Going to study tomorrow and hammer down my sleep cycle. Tasks and achievements: Physical:Mental: learning tibetanSpiritual: cold shower, stuffWhat I am grateful for: MetalMy father ejaculating me into this cruel world all those years ago. I'm not even being funny. I'm grateful to just be alive. I'm grateful I am who I am by his design.He gave me 200 quid. Going straight to my travel fund.SunshinethisWhat I have learnt from today: StuffMy laptop is still unprotected from porn SHITTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Getting up and studying. I don't fucking care if you are tired.Goal for tomorrow: Do some art. Goal for the month: Study hard for exams. Beat nofap
  5. Yes! As long as I don't quit I will win. It's simple.
  6. 138 days Days porn free: 0 Today I left my comfort zone by: NothingRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: None set. but i started working out again Thoughts and Feelings: I'm back! Fuck I relapsed on porn twice. I have decided I can't beat this on willpower alone. A warrior needs to use his wit and plan his approach. I'm charging my phone downstairs from now on from when I close the blind in my bedroom. I've also stuck software on my pc and phone so I can't watch porn. I made it to 20 days this time. Let's double that. Holy shit I just realised I relapsed one day before I would fulfil my monthly goal.Today I got up pretty late but I was working late last night so ye.Rethought my workout. Put some really brutal wrist stuff in there.Slayed on duolingoMade a case study for my detox for the siteRead some of my physics book. So confusing.My mum bought me a book about this guy that went round the world on a motorbike in 4 years. (jupiter's travels) Should be a good read.Relapsed to porn today!Did a little art Tasks and achievements: Physical: workoutMental: reading,artSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalEaster holidaysRelapse for showing I was weakPeople for supporting meWhat I have learnt from today: I can't beat my porn addiction on willpower alone. There is a demon inside me and it will do anything to gain control.I have to keep consistent with my routine. it's not just for showTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Going to see my dad for the first time in 2 years.Goal for tomorrow: Be open around my dad. Entrust him more with my emotions. Goal for the month: Study hard for exams. Beat nofap
  7. We can view anything in this light. What is the point of working out? What is the point of getting a job? Blahblahblah Gaming was something that deteriorated us as human beings. It made us obese, gave us back problems, desensitised us to life, made us neglect our responsibilities. The thing is we can't escape from the system. It will catch up to us one day. You can't put "gamer" on your CV. Gaming just inhibits your growth as a person. It's a leech for our emotional needs. But so is reading fantasy. So is drawing. So is working out. All it boils down to is we shouldn't have any form of society at all. But that's never going to happen. For me gaming was the nest. Now it's time to fly. Soon I will have to hit the ground though.
  8. I'm just going to shut the fuck up and do something. At least SOMETHING.
  9. For the first time in my life i actually understand fight club. They are slaves to the system. With nothing to hope for and nothing to care about. The main character is so insane he creates a projection of his innermost desire. To be a subversive bad ass who roams the world making a living doing random shit in a shitty house. He hangs around prostate cancer meetings so he can relish in their depression and feel like he has a reason to be depressed himself. He then creates fight club and the programme to give purpose to his and the others lives. To let go. They take down the system in the end and just rip it all to shreds
  10. So I've been on a 3 da hiatus- or should I say slow dark descent into bad habits and other crap. I relapsed on nofap. I betrayed my oath and everything and everyone I swore it upon. Every single fucking time my mind just blanks out and I do it. I hate it but I just forget. Well I also started to get depressed for the first time in fucking ages. Coincidentally I started getting up late and going to bed at stupid times. Not taking cold showers, or bioenergetics or working out. Just doing shitty school work. Shit week. What do I even give a fuck about? Why do I even get out of bed in the morning? This dream I have of traveling and shit. Maybe that's just a pipe dream. Maybe every dream is a pipe dream but we have to keep puffing on it or we get withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms of not having the distraction from whatever arbitrary shit you are doing. Do I want to make people happy? Why would I do that when people just make me sad? I even try but I suck at it. Even if I tried hardest and did it through art or some shit then I wouldn't be able to make any money and live... Fuck I hate this system. Are we bent on persisting materially or pushing ourselves spiritually? MAKE YOUR FUCKING MIND UP!!! What do you want me to fucking do? Get a job and just make money? Use your wonderful opportunities to live for what I love? Follow my dreams and all that shit? I would rather be running around with my dick out. With my tribe on the open plain. At least the only thing that mattered was the survival of you and your kin. But now I have to make my life fucking matter! This sucks! All my dream is built on is the idea of running away. Escaping all this shit. Escaping this living breathing machine. I'll probably forget later. I'll probably just escape into whatever shit I find to distract myself with. I bought a metal hammer mag today. Came with a free slayer poster. And the black Dahlia Murder restocked their merch. Maybe all I am made to be is an android who eats and shits numbers, hooked up to a drip. Injection of fantasy straight to the bloodstream. Maybe in the future we will beat this system as a race- reach some sort of technological nirvana. If the elite let us that is or we don't die a miserable death in the process. I suppose thats just life. Our collective innermost desire. Hope for a better future- a nirvana. But when we attain it what happens? When a man has all the riches he desires what then? When the Cygnus corporation discovered all the secrets of the universe what then? When Griffith attained his dream what then? Sometimes I wish I didn't have the mind to think about this shit all the time and just live my life for random thing xyz. Anyway for now I am going to sleep and just do whatever it is I'm doing with my life tomorrow. Peace and fucking slayer
  11. No post. Too much work. Too tired. Peace.
  12. 134 days Days porn free: 17 Today I left my comfort zone by: Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk toRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: None set. but my goal this week is to get my studying nailed Thoughts and Feelings: No journal post yesterday. I was having a bit of a breakdown. I didn't know what my life was going to be. I have an idea now and I feel great about it. I am saving up for a motorbike and I'm going to go some places. So that means no splashing out on CDs and metal merch. I have enough of the shit.Got up late again. Damn my streak is growing. Unlike my duolingo streak. i need to keep on top of that.I haven't been reading at all lately either.I felt super indifferent today at school. Like i didn't know what I was doing. Now I feel a bit different about life let's see how I feel tomorrow.Went for a run. tried running on my toes more. It's the natural way we are adapted to run. Sucks with my shoes though. Should buy some thin soled onesALMOST finshed coursework. Damn things feel like they are coming together. easter holidays on friday then studying for exams then i'm off to sri lanka with schoolI have had SERIOUS porn urges these past few days. I absolutely crushed them! Tasks and achievements: Physical: runMental: studying, uni stuffSpiritual: meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalThisMy newfound dreamMy mum for paying for my trip to sri lankaWhat I have learnt from today: I have something to live for nowEverything is in the dreamTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Instead of reading manga and listening to metal at breaks- talk to other people.Goal for tomorrow: Get on duolingo Goal for the month: Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap
  13. What's up with the climbing grades in canada? Here we do 4,5,6,7 and have a,b,c as sub grades. So 5a for example.
  14. Keep it up man! What's you name on nofap? Mine is the same here: Schwing. If you have a journal there already I find it's great to copy and paste it around.
  15. Previous post wasn't directed at anyone. I was just having a mild existential crisis and I thought it might help if I wrote about it. Feeling a bit better. But still confused.
  16. I don't even know right now. At least in video games there was no big question. You just played and dreamed no bigger than the screen. Nothing meant anything and anything meant nothing. Why does anything I do even mean to me? What do I even believe in? Who do I want to be? I'm sick of asking questions with no answer. Everything is instant gratification when you keep changing everything up to feel better. That's life isn't it? Making shit up so you can feel better about yourself. What does it even fucking mean to be alive. If it doesn't matter where I'm going then why do I give myself direction at all. I'm sick of being a tessellation of hobbies and interests. Is that all I am? Do I even have a purpose other than to do dumb shit? Sometimes I wish I could believe in a god, or politics, or just helping other people. Every time I try I am just confronted by a mass of contradiction. Do I truly believe in nothing? Fuck this. I'm going to bed.
  17. Coffee? Nothing like sticking my headphones on, playing some skeletonwitch, reading some manga and drinking some coffee while at school. Beats talking to any of the shitheads there any day! Does this mean more art soon?
  18. 132 days Days porn free: 15 Today I left my comfort zone by: Meditating in the forestRunning barefootRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: None set. Thoughts and Feelings: No journal post yesterday. I was working late.I almost relapsed twice this past few days on nofap! The past me would have buckled and submitted. But I called upon my resolve and battled through! Thank you to everyone who supports me on nofap!Ordinary crappy school day.It was really nice and sunny today. So I threw on my converge shirt and went for a run through the countryside. I came upon a small forested stream at the bottom of this little valley thing. So I sat down and meditated there. On my way back I ran barefoot on the grass for a bit. Then I lay around in the sunWhen I got home I slayed my workout and blasted converge simultaneouslyI talked to my mum about how I didn't know where I wanted to go. She knows her shit. I am sorted now.I mucked about a bit after that. Looking at metal merch and shit. Found some pretty dope stuff.I tried to get some work done but I just got bored. Tasks and achievements: Physical: workout, runMental: cv, thinking about lifeSpiritual: meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalTwo weeks nofap holy shit!My mum for really helping me set things straightconvergeWhat I have learnt from today: No matter what I do the system is going to be there. The system is like an angry rabid dog. You don't turn tails and run otherwise it will get your ankles and floor you. You back down slowly and fuck off or throw something at it. But you'll still find it there the next day. In art I will be still fucked by the system. In engineering I will be still fucked by the system. Just gotta serve myself! Stay smart and play the game.barefoot running doesn't hurt that much.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Getting up early and doing ALL the homeworkGoal for tomorrow: Get up early and do the thing. DO IT. Goal for the month: Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap
  19. I have been thinking a lot about life recently. Rethinking the things I have rethunk several times before. I think I am resolved. It feels like it at least. They say a man spends his whole life learning. Previously all my ideas of career choice have been doing something that I 'believe in'. A dream so to speak. A star glimmering over a pitch black horizon so that I may sail on course. But what even is a dream? A desire; something you must obtain? A simple provision of means to an end that will not unfold; a reason to struggle? Struggle. We live for it. We can't live without a sense of purpose for sure. But do I take my idea of purpose too far? Do I fancy myself a lion amongst sheep? Do I fancy myself neo in the matrix? It's this fancy I find misleading. I'm just a kid. I'm not that special. Just because I've eaten the red pill doesn't mean I can stop bullets. I am not invincible and the world will fuck me. One thing mount and blade warband taught me other than any other game was this: You will get fucked over eventually. You will lose your shit. But the problem was the game wasn't realistic enough. You were the centre of the universe and you could easily start again. And once you beat the game you could push a little button to complete it. Then you would start again or most likely get bored and play another game. In real life, I was worried about the system fucking me and becoming a cog in the machine. This was half foolish of me. Half foolish because on the other side of the coin was my fanciful dream of doing something great. Time to toss this little coin in the wishing well (minus the wishing). The reason my grand dream won't work (even if it does work) is that it means nothing and if not less than nothing. It means sacrifice for the sake of attainment. If I'm not willing to sacrifice I die. Look what happened to griffith in berserk. He sacrificed his own comrades for what? To be a god? Well look at him now. He's a void. Bends for nothing but his dream. A cog for his own machine. And when your dreams come true they become your worst nightmares. You are faced by nothing. Struggle is nowhere to be found and the nihilism kicks in. There isn't any happy ending. I don't give a shit about building robots. I don't care about making wind turbines. I couldn't even give one about making amps for guitars and shit. Sure I might find the process fun. But revolving around your path in life as some form of divine and noble pursuit is in vain. Soon you will forget your dream. Or if you're really stubborn you will forget everything other than your dream. Life isn't about dreams. It's about the little detours. Just enjoying yourself while you can. It's about serving yourself and not submitting to the machine. As people we are perpetually a baby and society is our mother. You can't escape from the breast; you'll die. But when she tells you to shut up and stop crying and keep sucking- don't fucking stop crying. And when you're done: grab it and suck it dry. Then start crying again. I like drawing. I like making robots and shit. That's it. I don't need a dream. I'm just a kid. I just need to keep on my toes. Do what I like. Say "fuck you" to stuff I don't like.
  20. 130 days Days porn free: 13 Today I left my comfort zone by: Talking to 1 person I don't usually talk toRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: No I actually have quite a bit of stuff I need to do still Thoughts and Feelings: My late wake up streak is growing.Ordinary school day. Nothing special.Came home. Slayed the work out! I tried squatting with the dumbbells by my sides instead of being raised above my shoulders. I did 10kg on lunges, deadlifts and squatsThis album is fucking dope. So is the art. (Nofap trigger warning- naked woman inside)StudiedShit. it looks like I did nothing today but it felt like a lot haha. Tasks and achievements: Physical: workoutMental: studyingSpiritual: What I am grateful for: MetalNo fap record broken.I can flex my pecs now.manga and coffee@Simms for workout advice.What I have learnt from today: No fap. It's all in the resolve. I formally swore and oath to everyone to not watch porn. I have a strong emotional attachment to this oath and very little can phase it. I had urges today and I destroyed them with remembering my oath and the countless times I have fallen to porn.Need to get back into the swing of things.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk to.Goal for tomorrow: Get up early and do the thing Goal for the month: Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap
  21. Don't see this in a negative light. You still have plenty of time to improve and undo some of the havoc gaming wreaks. I'm a couple of years ahead, yeah, but things don't get better by themselves. I wasted a ton of time and opportunities and everything feels like damage minimisation rather than improvement tbh. True shit. But sometimes I just can't stand the loneliness.
  22. What kind of movement are you doing that the 10kg dumbbells are giving you trouble with? I feel like you should be able to handle the squat, stiff legged deads, lying press, and bent over rows with that weight. Lying flies, overhead press, lateral raise, bicep curls, lying tricep extensions, and the abdominal crunches are going to be killer at that weight. I've trained for years on and off and still really only use 5kg for flies, raises, and extensions. You can work the overhead press and curls up, but some of those other movements just have too much physics working against you. =p I tried a squat but I couldn't support the weights with my hands properly and they curled inwards. Maybe bad positioning? I'll try again tonight and let you know.
  23. 129 days Days porn free: 12 Today I left my comfort zone by: Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk toRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)BioenergeticsCold showerMeditation50 exp duolingoPhysical activityStudy or read 1 hourArt 1 hourGoal from yesterday done?: yeeeeeeeeeeeee Thoughts and Feelings: I woke up at 6:30 and the same shit happened from yesterdayStandard school day. Running was cancelled because of bad weather so I finished my coursework instead.Vagabond is the shit! Still waiting for new berserk chapters thoughRowed 2km when I got home.did energising routinelooked at uni stuff. Was looking at industry placements in particular.Did some art. Drawing up a comic. It's very sketchy right now. but as I get more confident I'll make the panels more elaborate. Tasks and achievements: Physical: rowingMental: studying, art, uni researchSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalNo fap record is approaching. Gotta hold out tonight and I beat it by a dayKeeping up with drawing. I am getting better!Bad weatherBlack trenchcoats. Haha I love that thing. Doesn't make me look like a school shooter at all.What I have learnt from today: Just because I'm going to beat my nofap record; doesn't mean I get to PMO. Fuck thatTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talking to 3 people I don't usually talk to.Goal for tomorrow: Hand in coursework Goal for the month: Finish all my coursework. Beat nofap
  24. I'm making a comic. Check it out.