Schwing

@Fagus Thank you. You're right! 1090 days it is! I am getting really anxious about it. But yes I should probably take it slow. You are right- he is my dad and I need to accept that.

30/1000 days Days porn free: 3 Days fap free: 3 Today I left my comfort zone by: NothingRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: Yes. This is some scary shit. Thoughts and Feelings: Got up late again. I have been losing study time to this a lot.I got part of my studying done thoughI should be honest about this. I can't talk to my dad. I have so much anxiety I am disabling the SIM card on my phone so he can't call me in the evenings. When I last called him I said I would arrange a time to go and see him but I haven't got round to that yet. That was almost 3 days agoI didn't change my facebook profile because I had more important things to do.Watch a movie: Perfect Blue. Fucked up shit. I have watched even nastier movies before with no reaction but I find I am becoming more sensitised to this kind of thing.I have been grateful for metal 91 days in a row. Now that is metal as fuck.It's hard to think up comfort zone leaving activities when it's the holidays because of lack of social interaction. I haven't really spoken to anyone apart from my parents thus far (5 days). I am very introverted indeed.Tasks and Achievements: Physical:Mental: studying, aclc, learning germanSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalPastaThat awesome anime movieWhat I have learnt from today: I lose so much time to sleeping lateI should just go for the leadership course even if it looks scary af. Do the thing.I should start working out already.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Get up super early even though it's the holidays.Goal for tomorrow: Get ahead with studying (get up early)

dude, u guyz liek thrash metal? hab u ever hurd metallicuh kil em al?

@Remigjus VERRRYY NIIICEEE!!!!

29/1000 days Days porn free: 2 Days fap free: 2 Today I left my comfort zone by: Going outside for a runRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: Yes. I looked at manchester, newcastle and leeds. Thoughts and Feelings: I got up late again but I did my thing. No porridge today though.I went for a 3 mile run and had a cold shower after. Felt goodGot a variety of shit done today. I bought some shoes for the air cadet leadership course I am going on.I tried out duo lingo which is a language learning resource. It's just like a videogame. I had no cravings but it was very addictive. But I suppose that's a good thing.Newcastle uni has a feminist and marxist society. Oh dear...Going to bed later.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: runningMental: studying, reading, learning germanSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: Metal90 days!Getting outside and runningHaving access to higher educationWhat I have learnt from today: I must commit to my goals no matter whatGoing over the basics of something is handy. Don't cut corners.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Changing my facebook profile pictureGoal for tomorrow: Sort out ACLC stuff

So as per a tradition of mine I've named this post after another metal instrumental. This one is by In Flames and for me it is about the journey of life- the suffering and moments of bliss. I'll get to the point now: I HIT 90 MOTHERFUCKING DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYSSSSSSS!!!!! The purpose of this post is to share my reflections and what I have learned with everyone and celebrate my achievement These have certainly been an eventful 3 months. At the start I was a child living in a echo chamber of instant gratification. I never looked deep into myself or into other people. I was constantly at the whim of my emotions and I partook in image crafting as my means of socialising. I was constantly comparing myself to other people and always distracting myself from myself and my fucked up life. I had aspirations -yes- but they were just a part of seeing past myself because I was never getting shit done. Videogames and porn were the main distractions. They were the stabilisers on my bike as I rode it through my early teenage years. Now I've kicked off those stabilisers I'm falling every so often but with each fall I get stronger. I have not demolished my old self entirely; I still have a lot of maturing to do. But, thanks to taking the time away to look at myself; thanks to all the help from you guys I now have direction and I am beginning a journey towards my new self. To become a real man and the best version of myself. REFLECTIONS With videogames and porn no longer blinding me from negative aspects of my life I realised this: I had a bad past with my family and it had affected me after all. Long story short- I had a neglectful father. This resulted in a crippling fear of intimacy with others and the development of some shitty insecure 2nd rate ego. I found out I was a talented and bright individual with a lot of potential but I needed to get shit done. The plague on my mind being that I would always be at the whim of fleeting emotions such as passion and would always jump from game to game and hobby to hobby to no avail. I have gotten bigger muscles. I set myself a goal to do 100 pushups every day at one point and I have better upper body strength now. I got a new haircut. My taste in music is expanding from angry metal music. I have taken up climbing and I am thinking about doing some sort of weight training. I have also made significant progression with my art. My attitude towards women is changing. I am starting to get to know them more now. SOME LESSONS LEARNED Always stay grounded. Life is full of ups and downs. You must never be caught up by emotions in victory or defeat and maintain the path of reason. The universe is chaotic in nature.The purpose of life is to feel a sense of purpose. If you were to try and rationalise a purpose to life you would become engulfed by nihilism. Humans are emotional beings and our emotional needs must be met as these reinforce our will to live.Pick something and do it. Ever started a new hobby and just given up because you weren't enjoying it anymore? I had that all the time but then I found out I just had to pick something and do the thing.Do the thing. This is my motto now. Forcing yourself to do something consistently is important- even if you don't feel like it.The body, mind and soul are all real things and they are all linked. At first I thought this was some retarded spiritual hippy meme but it's actually real. The soul is the body of emotion and it's what separates us from machines. Your soul can lead you all sorts of dumb places though; and so can your mind. So the two have to really work together and you have to listen to your innermost desire but fend off petty desires. Pushing yourself physically also makes you more determined. It is important to take care of your body by eating healthy and getting exercise so you wont feel depressed and have poor cognitive functions. Bioenergetics and meditation are great too. The mind is a muscle and meditation trains it.Life is a videogame and it's really really fun. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on videogames. But the reality is I am missing tons and tons of shit in the real world. The ultimate question is- do you value the world or reality or virtual reality to the same extent?Take opportunities to do shit whenever you can. If it turns out bad then you know. Can't bash it till you try it.A man spends his whole life learning. I haven't magically become my dream self yet. In fact- the dream self is a false ideal. When you climb a mountain do you stare at the summit and flop your arms and legs about aimlessly? No you get your head down and fucking climb. It's important to have vision but it's more important to focus on the struggle.Your ego is an important social tool but don't let it consume you! You have to be open and serious with people to reach a deeper level of understanding with them.My path is my own and is no greater than the next man's. As I said before: the purpose of life is to feel a sense of purpose. So my way of doing things is just my way of doing things and I shouldn't force that on other people. I am a lot more accepting of other people's beliefs now but I can't help but let my ego take hold sometimes. Just because I am saying shit here about how I do things that doesn't make it the handbook to life. Everyone has to find their own way. There is a chinese proverb: What I hear; I forget. What I see; I remember. What I do; I understand.Even though I have said these are all lessons I have learned; I still need to improve myself massively and that is a good thing. What is bad is not having the vision. LASTLY I WOULD LIKE TO THANK CAM FOR MAKING THIS FORUM AND FOR EVERYONE WHO USES IT- EVEN IF YOU DON'T POST ON MY JOURNAL! THIS SITE IS AWESOME AS IS EVERYONE WHO USES IT! I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU! So here ends 90 days and the first chapter of my struggle. Next one of these things will most likely be at the end of my 1000 days provided I'm still posting on here in 3 years time.

@Csaba_Bekesi Even if you don't follow your own advice the insight is extremely helpful! I want to do electrical/ electronic engineering. I have been thinking about Manchester or Newcastle university but I haven't really delved into it as of yet. Manchester because I hear it's good and all the best metal gigs are down there. Newcastle because I also hear it's good and I have a scholarship on their behalf. I have also been thinking about studying abroad.

Detox day: 89 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 1 Today I left my comfort zone by: Playing electronic music out loud in the kitchen.Routine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: I have a direction now thanks to @destoroyah and @Csaba_Bekesi Thoughts and Feelings: I felt quite depressed this morning and I got up very late but I snapped out of it and did my thing.I found my depressed mentality felt quite 'forced' in a strange way. Like I wanted to go do my thing but my mind was placing a block on my desire. Never felt like that before.Tried studying a bit. Not too focused.Did some art.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: Mental: studying, artSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, 10 min meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalGetting shit doneHaving no porn cravings todayAchieving 90 days tomorrowWhat I have learnt from today: I watched a video by elliot hulse on the 'warrior' mentality. In other words: perseverance, willpower and resolve. I should adopt a mentality of getting shit done. Up until now I have had an attitude of seeing past myself and having fanciful dreams aplenty which were rarely fulfilled. This would manifest in hopping from game to game and taking up hobbies only to neglect or drop them. I need to just do the thing and not gloat at it as passion is a mere emotion and waxes and wanes.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Going for a run outsideGoal for tomorrow: Look at universities

@Csaba_Bekesi I am sceptical of therapists. Do you have any experience with them?

@Csaba_Bekesi @destoroyah I will try both methods thank you. I have never dwelt on the subject of therapy. I have a terrible fear of opening up to people.

Detox day: 88 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 Today I left my comfort zone by: Phoning my dadRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: No I forgot Thoughts and Feelings: Perfect routine todayStudied a lot and read a bit watched a movieI got a phone call from my dad and I was really nervous about it and I wasn't able to tell him how I really felt.I got depressed afterwards and watched porn again.I'm going to bed early because I have no willpower.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: Mental: studying, readingSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalTrying to break down fear of intimacyWhat I have learnt from today: I hate the unclean feeling after watching porn. I want to do away with this forever. But I don't know how.I made an effort today. That is all that counts.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talking to everyone on 1000 daysGoal for tomorrow: Find a way to destroy porn addiction and prevent fuckitmode

I lost track, 3 days to what????? Also congrats on your attempt. Good start. End of 90 day detox

3 Days motherfuckers!!!!!!

Thank you for this awesome support. I realise now that I should stop looking past myself. In the words of Shia la beouff: "just do it!!!". The pleasure is in the moment not the result. I have to focus on steering the ship rather than gazing into the horizon.

Detox day: 87 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 Today I left my comfort zone by: Trying to iniate conversation with a girlRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: Noooooo. I have been depressed all day again. Thoughts and Feelings: Got up super super lateWas depressed at school again as per yesterday. Didn't feel like talking to anyone.Came home and I found an email reply from my dad. I had some sort of anxiety attack and then I watched porn.I then watched 2001: a space OdysseyI then got my shit together and did bioenergetics, cold shower, porridge and meditationI then went to work and did something along the lines of what @hycniejsy said (the a name thing) on a girl who works behind the bar. She didn't really care.I also found 10 quid on the floor today which was pretty dope.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: workMental: studyingSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalRelapsing againAmazing support from hyncniejsy, csaba and fagusBeing in contact with dad again.£10What I have learnt from today: I should try to develop a habit of doing shit. Like a boom and then I get shit done.Porn is an escape for when I am depressed. If I do my routine enough I won't have to think about itTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talking to my dad on the phoneGoal for tomorrow: Find a way to destroy porn addiction and prevent fuckitmode.

Detox day: 86 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 0 Today I left my comfort zone by: NothingRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)Cold showerBioenergeticsPorridgeStudy 1 hourMeditationGoal from yesterday done?: My productivity is still fucked. I have been having less pressure from school work lately though and the holidays are around the corner Thoughts and Feelings: Got up an hour late againI was extremely depressed for no seemingly reason all day at school! What?!Got home and dicked about for a bit. Did some miscellaneous things. Read some hp lovecraft. and then BOOM porn cravings hit me. I keep up as much as I can. I try meditating but then I just snap out of it and relapse like a motherfucker.Started a new sketchpadTasks and Achievements: Physical:Mental: studying, personal dev. research, reading, artSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergetics, meditationWhat I am grateful for: MetalRelapsingHp lovecraftWhat I have learnt from today: The trick to getting rid of porn cravings is starting to become an enigma to me. I just dwell on the thought for ages and then BOOM fuckitmode initiate.I watched an Elliot hulse video about "the habit of getting shit done". My routine is a habit. I just need to do shit without thinking about it.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talk to at least 1 girl. You don't have to say much.Goal for tomorrow: Sort out producitivity

@hycniejsy Thanks. That seems pretty random though. I don't think I'm at the stage where I can just say random shit to people like that. I'm a total introvert.

@Csaba_Bekesi Of course. He constantly makes fun of me because I am a metalhead and he keeps telling me "it's a phase" and "metal is not real music". Shit like that. One time at climbing I was talking to this girl 1 on 1 and he just throws his chalk bag at me and says "hold this" for no apparent reason. He then proceeds to belittle me for wearing a tank top. I handle it well I think. But I he is always at the back of my mind. If I was to hypothesise, I reason that he is jealous of me quitting videogames and trying new things. One time he said to me "so when is this phase going to end blah blah blah you started being an edgy teen ever since you quit games blah blah blah"

@Fagus I used to play videogames with him. I stopped playing with him ages before I quit though because I didn't like him and he always made me feel bad. Recently he has been finding ways to frustrate me again.

Detox day: 84 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4 Today I left my comfort zone by: Playing death metal out loud randomly (nobody cared)Didn't feel like being serious. I have a different type of ego. I was assertive though in a non serious kind of way.Routine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)- NoCold shower- YesyesBioenergetics- yesPorridge- NoMeditation- yesGoal from yesterday done?: My routine is less fucked. I had 2 cold showers to make up for the still present fuckery though. Thoughts and Feelings: Got up an hour lateI was very chill at school. I came into another confrontation will mr psychic vampire but I didn't care.Failed a test. Doesn't matter. I will make up for it.So I found the balls within myself to say a few things to some girls today.The whole school did a run today. I beat everyone in my group.Came home and chilled for a while. And another while. And a few more whiles. I felt very drainedEventually studied a bitI checked out some electronic synth stuff and I'm really getting into this shit. My musical horizons are expanding at an exponential rate!Tasks and Achievements: Physical: runningMental: studying, personal dev. research, checking out bandsSpiritual: cold shower, bioenergeticsWhat I am grateful for: MetalNew retro wave or whatever it's calledRunningLow productivityFailing in testsWhat I have learnt from today: Gotta tackle my comfort zone in small chunks. Just saying random contextual shit to girls is a start.To tackle my productivity I must use this get plan thing to plan ahead.My countermeasure for when I am stressed or depressed is to take a step back, meditate or do something physical.To beat nofap I will keep correcting myself when I grab my dick. I will also have a more rigid routine. Plus I will get to know women more. This will clean up my degenerate porn fetishes which I am very ashamed of. I am seeing results in this already.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Talk to at least 2 girls. You don't have to say much.Goal for tomorrow: Sort out producitivity

Detox day: 84 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 4 Today I left my comfort zone by: Wearing the shirtRoutine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)- NoCold shower- NoBioenergetics- NoPorridge- yesMeditation- yesGoal from yesterday done?: No my routine is still fucked Thoughts and Feelings: Failed to get up earlier or do any morning routinetook a toll on me for the rest of the dayThe passive aggressive kid (let's call him the psychic vampire) is draining my energy. I can feel it. He is always out to make me feel self consciousDid some climbing and I talked a bit with the same girl from before. Some girls are reaching out to me more.I was very drained at the end of the day yet I felt compelled to keep trying to make conversation with this one girl so I said some dumb shit to try and start one and naturally it was a flop. She didn't really notice though. The psychic vampire was behind me and I felt very frustrated from then on out and couldn't study.Tasks and Achievements: Physical: climbingMental: studying, personal dev. researchSpiritual: noneWhat I am grateful for: MetalPsychic vampires and dicks in generalLearning about myselfWhat I have learnt from today: Don't get hung up on girls and their opinions of you. They are no exception to other people just because they have tits.My ego is important. It is a pure social mechanism and I must embrace it rather than suppress it to seem more favourable.If you are mentally drained do not be compelled to talk to girls or make lively conversation. You need to recharge. Get in the yin and out of the yang. Balance is ESSENTIAL. Do what you normally do. get out of your head.I always try to joke to find security in a place where I am uncomfortable as a means of appearing comfortable.Tomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Being assertive, serious and speaking my mindGoal for tomorrow: Fix your fucking routine! Make it real!

@Csaba_Bekesi Sound advice. I will check out getplan and thank you for sharing those tips for social stuff. I have been trying to liberate myself from social pressures lately.

The shirt is Death. And I cut the sleeves off. It has life will never last and a scream bloody gore face on the back. Here it is

Detox day: 83 NoFap day ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡° ): 3 Today I left my comfort zone by: Stretching and making noises whenever I felt like it.Routine: Get up 6:30 (8:30 weekend)- NoCold shower- yesBioenergetics- NoPorridge- yesMeditation- noGoals from yesterday done?: Thoughts and Feelings: Forgot to post yesterday Routine is still fucked felt very good today at school. i ran really hard and that felt good did a course at school after lessons I got some metal stuff in the post. CDs and a t-shirt. I spent my evening cutting the sleeves off. Tasks and Achievements: Physical: runningMental: studying, shirtSpiritual: cold showerWhat I am grateful for: MetalMetal stuffChuck schuldinerRunningWhat I have learnt from today: I need to get up on time. Its essential for my troutineAlways stay groundedI hate typing posts on my phoneTomorrow I will leave my comfort zone by: Wearing a death metal shirt to the climbing centreGoals for tomorrow: Study a lotFix your fucking routineHave a more personal conversation

@destoroyah Just a normal day riding the bus With a hundred pounds Of the most potent C4! A man takes the stand with a trigger in his hand 30 lives vapourised! All over the floor!