Pierce

I've been enjoying reading the high-lights of your mountain climbing training. It reminds me of an article my dad once told me about. It was a guy named Trigger Twigg who was training out of his tent in Alaska. His goal was to climb Mt. McKinley's North Wall during winter. A feat, "so audacious that the National Park Service's Web site characterizes it as "bordering on the ridiculous because of its unfathomable risks." One of his credentials on his business card reads: "alligator circumcision by appointment only." When questioned about his unorthodox training methods (separate from the circumcision bit, of course), he responded, "I make myself harsh every day," with a sufficient number of expletives as well. More and more your training and unrelenting attitude are reminding me of him.

Thanks @Simms! I've been reading through your journal more and more, recently, and I have trouble gathering my thoughts for it as well. I'm especially impressed by your fitness goals; I hope to learn a thing or two about that area as I read on. You seem to know your limits, and thus know how hard to push yourself. I salute your tenacity and ambitions for self-growth. I also appreciate your outside perspective on what I wrote above. It's made me think more about why it is. As I've sought out masculinity more, I've become more confident. As I've become more confident, I've been losing my fear of what others think. As I lose my fear of what others think, I live more authentically. Authenticity doesn't have "feminine" or "masculine", only virtues. There's no shame in empathetic listening or forming platonic friendships with the other gender that don't have a sexual/romantic subtext. Except that last part is more complicated. I have a sexuality just as strong as the next guy. The subtext is still there, but there is a sub-subtext where I remind myself that the subtext is undermining what I am trying to accomplish: learning from the wisdom of the feminine. If the Journey is supreme, then sexuality must compliment it. A long-term traveling companion, rather than someone to share the tent with for the night. When the night is over, which is better: a recently vacated spot beside you that you expected to be filled, or someone to share breakfast with and discuss the beauty of life? I also realize I've been speaking a lot more of eastern philosophy mumbo-jumbo recently. I've had a love-hate relationship with it. As a Westerner I like the fast life: full of ambitions, rapid growth, and many pleasures. Following that life-style has been the definition of insanity: being burned by it over and over, and yet expecting the results to change the next time. The eastern path is so much more painstakingly slow, and yet the more I do research and experiment within my own life, I realize that it is the way of true happiness and real progress. As I have learned before and said many times, "the hard way is the easy way, and the easy way is the hard way".

@destoroyah It's true. We let go of our inhibitions out there. The people that don't care if they look goofy are often purest souls. 207 Days w/o Gaming, 6 Days w/o YouTube, 6 Days Meditated I ended up not going dancing because the friend I was going with was having a breakdown in her family life. I spent part of the weekend trying to help her pick up the pieces of her psyche, or more like being a listening ear while she did it herself. It didn't help that she revealed she had feelings for me over this time either. It wouldn't work. We have fun when we're out together, but don't connect on a deeper level. I've tried to have intellectual conversation in the past and it was quickly redirected. I've been somewhat of a lone wolf all of my life, and am only open to sharing it if someone is traveling alongside me for long stretches of the Journey, not just for the scenic moments when we pitch camp. Ultimately what keeps me going is the Journey. Lao Tzu called it the Dao. I've heard it called many other things by the Stoics, other philosophers, and every day people I've met. It's what gives me purpose and the will to live. It's my life. There are few things in my life I wouldn't sacrifice for it. It is virtue, it is joy, it is pain. What are virtue and joy without pain? In fact, the pain that comes from growing stronger is the greatest virtue and the greatest joy. The Journey is ridding oneself of delusions. Of going about one's day looking like the rest of the metal men around you, but inside the circuit board you fooled them: there's a living brain! At a quick glance you look like the rest, but on the inside you have already vacated that shell. In the words of Thomas Merton, "There is no body to be found. The birds may come and circle for a while... but they soon go elsewhere. When they are gone, the 'nothing,' the 'no-body' that was there, suddenly appears. That is Zen. It was there all the time but the scavengers missed it, because it was not their kind of prey." The ego has shrunk from the size of a universe to a frail, organic body. That body realizes its place in the world, and once again is able to feel compassion and harmony. With the "self" gone the being no longer cares what others think, and is driven merely by its own modus operandi of what is correct action. It builds harmony in the world, and in that harmony it can never die. It passes on to become part of its work. Or maybe it never existed to begin with. Regardless, at least it had sought to shed its delusions. I'm tired of limiting myself because of external expectations (other people, society, etc.). I can only try to be true to the present moment. In that, I hope to find something lasting. It feels like I've been going down a series of wrong paths. In reality, I know these "other paths" are all likely just a change of scenery in the one. Still, something doesn't feel right on the inside. I should be further along, but I don't "feel" like I am. I guess that's why the present moment is so important.

Wow, that's a great challenge! Please post about the differences you notice in your life once you've finished the week out. You will definitely learn much more about yourself from this experience.

That's some heavy stuff man. I have quite a few classes I'm going to have to retake when I return to finish my undergrad, so I can relate to some degree. Still, I can't claim to be able to understand your past or what you're going through now. All I can say is that I'm grateful you're in this matrix-world with me. I'm with Schwing: this may be your opportunity to become Neo. There are so few people that are aware that life is a game, that we don't have to play be the same rules as are ingrained us all throughout our childhood. Go through school, get a job, start a family, retire, die. Money is god. Education is god. Career is god. You have seen through the veil and know that this does not have to be the case. This means that you are a person that this world desperately needs, because you have insights into why there is suffering and how to fix it. This makes your existence incredibly important. I know that trite quotations may be the last thing you want to read, so stop reading now if that's the case. In the off-chance that this is helpful, here it is: "One who lives in accordance with nature does not go against the way of things. He moves in harmony with the present moment, always knowing the truth of just what to do." -the end of the 8th verse of the Tao.

204 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Day w/o YouTube, 3 Day Meditated Still keeping the course steady. I've been reading a lot more, and really focusing in on building good habits to replace the old. Preparing my application to EMS school has been taking quite a bit of effort, but the amount of stress that is now off my shoulders and the excitement that has returned to this cynical frame... I can't put a price on that. Some of my friends have been relieved to see me smiling again. I'm getting another chance; a chance to take a step back and build a foundation in my life that I've been wanting for so long. I'm incredibly grateful for that. Tomorrow is the start of the weekend. I know I'm going to make it through this one. I've set a schedule for tomorrow that's realistic, and I have a fun activity at the end of the day: going out dancing. That's something I've been doing a lot less of this semester, which hasn't necessarily been a bad thing, but it'll be good to get the dust off of my dance shoes and get out on the floor again. "You guarantee failure if you don't try."

Art and old-school computers. I like where this is going. I tried to respect your witch-craft skills by not looking too long at the last picture, but I definitely took a long look at the first one and approved of it. It reminded me of Addie Bundren from As I Lay Dying.

@destoroyah You give one of a kind advice my friend, and I can't disagree. I'd rather have enemies that would tell me how it is than friends that will turn their backs on me when I need them. Better yet, learn how to be at peace without both. The present moment can be enough. @Csaba_Bekesi I saw that you were an advocate of Wim Hof, but I still haven't done the research behind it. I'm definitely intrigued, because breathing patterns do have a lot of power over the mind. 202 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 1 Day Meditated This is proving to be quite difficult. Monday night I reassessed my motivation for why I wanted to do this, and whether I should continue: Short-term pros: more time to spend on important activities, one less addiction in my life, higher self-esteem. Short-term cons: loss of a stress reliever, loss of access to many useful cultural and educational resources. Long-term pros: much more disciplined life, happier life, built much better habits using the free time I have. Long-term cons: becoming extremely puritanical about going out and watching a movie or friend showing me a video, being less culturally relevant, avoiding a very useful educational tool. Is it worth it: yes! Once I’m free I can come back later and use it as an educational tool, but for now I need to cool off on the internet use. How to get there: read more books, get outside more, enjoy the companionship of friends, track progress milestones (week, month, multiple months, year), think of long-term implications of not quitting (and of past results). How long: 2 years from tomorrow, and then I’ll reassess whether I need to extend that. Yeah, I already know all that. Yeah, I've made plans before. Why will this one succeed? I don't know I just have a feeling. That's not good enough! Truth is, I'm being given a second chance with this career path. It's setting my other educational/career goals back at least 5 years. If I don't have my life together then, growth will be exponentially harder. If I have gotten my shit together by then, my growth will be on an exponential trajectory once again. It all starts here though. If this is really worth it then I need to kick this screwing around stuff. I'm not taking hard classes anymore, and I have plenty of interesting books to read. Now is the time to let the old die and come back reborn. To come back and knock this thing out of the park. I can't do it if I don't start here. I can do it though. One of the most challenging things I've learned recently is to prove what I say with actions, not words. The first hurdle will be to make it through a whole weekend. I haven't done that in a long time.

197 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated It's now time to restructure my life now that I have set a change in course for my life. "The hard way is the easy way and the easy way is the hard way". I've found that it's so easy for me to make grandiose plans, but much harder for me to carry them out, or even carry out a part of them, successfully. I've been called out on this, and rightfully so. I just want to get my life back together so that I have self-confidence in my work ethic and ability to make good decisions again. I read back to my fist page of my journal. How naive I was. Then again, I kind of wasn't. I said I was done with gaming then, and I haven't played since. The problem is, there are so many other areas of my life that need to be fixed, that I haven't even come close to. Yeah, one more layer of the onion is peeled back, but I need better result than that to keep my head above the waters of depression. I'm swimming fine right now, but if I start failing again I quickly go back to thrashing around for a breath. This is my chance to come back. We all get to come back (or so Rick Grimes thinks). I plan on waking up early tomorrow and meditating first thing in the morning. That's something Cam suggested page 1 of my journal, and I've lost that habit since then (I never did fully solidify it).

@Simms It's hard to express how encouraging that is to hear. I really appreciate your wisdom, and affirmation, because that's what I want to do: grow stronger and then come back fully focused. I've had a lot of people explaining the possible horrors of my decision (and I'm glad, they keep me grounded), that it's good to hear a success story. Thanks! @destoroyah That's the goal: get my screwing up done now while I'm still young. As for degrees, they leave a lot to be wanted even once it's in hand. There's so much that that is difficult to be taught in a classroom, such as critical thinking. That said, it's a real accomplishment to make it through. Congrats on being so close! "The Zhuangzi consists of a large collection of anecdotes, allegories, parables, and fables, which are often humorous or irreverent in nature." Sounds like my kind of punk. 196 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Days w/o YouTube, 2 Days Meditated I don't know if the last two days of meditation count, but at least I'm forming the habit of setting aside to do so, even if I get distracted during it. I addressed some pretty ominous financial issues that needed to be looked at, but my plans are intact. There's so much work that needs to get done for this next phase to work smoothly, but I'm very excited. I'm just looking forward to catching up on my sleep now.

Wow, that was some rapid success. You're becoming quite formidable with your computer skills; this seems to be a strong passion of yours. I wouldn't be surprised if I found out that you were a computer science or electrical engineering guy.

That's a lot of good suggestions. Reading is definitely something I want to do more, and I want to do the same goes for cooking and playing an instrument (guitar). Lifting weights is my joy as far as being active goes. I highly recommend it. I'll be sure to come back here if I ever need more ideas. Hey, and I'm happy for you that the internet time is decreasing. That's a hint that you're about to hit another peak point in your life. 195 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 1 Day Meditated I have a good clue as to why I was having so much difficulty: I was in a rut. Each semester of college I expected my habits to click and for everything to get better. In many ways they did. I have social skills past my wildest dreams in high-school and they're continuing to grow, I'm much more athletically fit and growing daily, and I've been building quite of repertoire of knowledge through my studies and reading on my own. Thing is, I've still been a major screw up in school. My GPA was becoming lower and lower each semester as I continued to put out a mediocre effort. I couldn't get myself to focus. The subject matter seemed too specialized for its own good, which led to a lack of motivation. This semester everything came to a breaking point, where I sunk deeper and deeper into depression with each test I got back. Over the past couple of months both my parents and one of my friends noticed that I frequently had a look on my face like I, "had been run over by a truck". Yesterday I couldn't take it anymore. I wasn't going to continue on a path where I would be stuck, My depression wasn't going to let me. I did a lot of research on other educational/career options (and yes, that's something I've been doing before I even got to college, I haven't stopped since, but this time it was more frantic), but they came up empty as usual. The fields I enjoyed were not the ones that would allow me to make the impact I wanted, and the ones that would allow for that impact were out of the grasp of my skillset (something I've learned from personal experience). I was looking at job growth trends in the U.S. and came across a series of jobs that led me to EMT/Paramedic. I've looked into it before, but this time I went more in depth. My the intense weight on my chest began to lift; I'd found something. I haven't given up on my dream. My aspirations of becoming a physician are definitely still there, but I just don't have the right skills at the moment. For the longest time I've wanted to start over, to retool, and this is my chance. Training is well under two years, it's in the medical field, builds practical skills, develops mental and physical strength, and allows me to become acquainted with more adult responsibilities. I've looked at many of the pro's and con's and I've looked at the best way to get there, and I want to do it. I plan on using this month to work on my application, and then begin classes in May. I noticed my mood improved today once I made this decision, and I take that as a good start. I feel ready to take on the world again, and I see this as the perfect opportunity to work on decreasing my addiction to the internet even further. Time to ascend.

@destoroyah That's the dream. I don't know if you're familiar with To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee, but there is a part of the book where the protagonist's father says this quote to her about an old lady in their neighborhood that was trying to kick a pain medication addiction before she died (which she knew would happen shortly), "I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. Mrs. Dubose won, all ninety-eight pounds of her. According to her views, she died beholden to nothing and nobody. She was the bravest person I ever knew." And to your comment from a few days ago on cynicism: absolutely. One of the best friendships I have right now is forged around the fact that my friend and I both are open about our pain. Being willing to reveal your weakness makes you mortal again, providing allies. It also is ultimately what allows us to grow stronger, because it allows us to identify where we can improve. 192 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 4 Days Meditated I'm addicted to stimulation. It's why I put such little effort into my school work (I feel intense shame even admitting that). I am an addict. That's why I'm here. I can't quit no matter how much I want to. I've tried many things, but with limited success. Yes, I have quit video games, but what good is that if I spend just as much time on the internet. If I still put in a piss poor effort in my school work, and have many undisciplined areas in my life. I plan on trying do-nothing meditation, since I've heard that's a good way to "factory reset" from any addiction. This requires sitting there and experiencing the moment when the addictive feeling call out to you. I'm afraid of this. Afraid it won't work or I'll cave while doing it. I've been wanting to be free, day after day, for five years. I've been wanting this for so longer I can't imagine what it'll be like. That kind of liberation blows my mind. All of that is not easy to say, but if I'm not willing to be honest with myself and in the public arena of the internet, I'm not ready to change. I'm ready to change. This is what I want most in life. "Men choose. Slaves obey."

191 Days w/o Gaming, 0 Days w/o YouTube, 3 Days Meditated I am a toaster. Compress spring and internal heat rises until set temperature is achieved. Spring is released. Heat is disengaged. Unplug me and I no longer function. I am at your service. I am your slave, nature.

188 Days w/o Gaming, 3 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated It's sad to have broken my meditation streak again. I could do it now, but I'm exhausted. Yeah, crappy excuse. Truth is, I'm not going to be consistent with it until I start waking up earlier and meditating before I catch the bus in the morning. Anyway, Cam sent out an email today about not hiding things from ourselves, and I think it's a good exercise to take part in. One thing I try to hide is how negative my attitude really is. I highly promote positive thinking, but I find myself being very judgmental towards others and myself throughout the day. Thinking about it, the former likely comes from the times I was burned by my past "friends", and the latter is from how the nonchalant attitude I had before has been getting my awful grades and has kept me in some bad habits. Thing is, that's pretty sad if I can only motivate myself by the carrot or the stick. That's not the person I want to be. I want to achieve the standard I've set for myself, but there's not much of a point if I lose myself trying to get there. It's time to make some adjustments and get my positivity back (I think I'll keep a healthy dose of the cynicism I've gained though).

I love the Tao Te Ching! I'm a big fan of accepting paradoxical views as I think them over, so I can get down with the idea of disregarding the intellect. I don't see a better alternative to the intellect right now, but I could be persuaded. It's for that reason that I'm not immediately crossing the Actualized.org guy off. All of the other topics he speaks on (time-management, emotional control, social skills, etc.) he's spot on, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on this one. His idea of the "self" is very different from any teaching I've encountered in the past. I've been studying Buddhism a lot lately, and it (likely Taoism as well) has a much more pragmatic idea of ego than what he is presenting. I enjoyed the passage you quoted. Here's one that I'm trying to learn from, "The supreme good is like water, which nourishes all things without trying to. It is content with the low places people disdain. Thus it is like the Tao. In dwelling, live close to the ground. In thinking, keep to the simple. In conflict, be fair and generous. In governing, don't try to control. In work, do what you enjoy. In family life, be completely present. When you are content to be simply yourself and don't compare or compete, everybody will respect you."

You're right, we have been thinking along the same lines. There is no altruism, only animalistic survival. Still, as a social species we've found ways to make mutualism a far better strategy than anarchy. That hasn't stopped us from harming one another, but has artificially curbed the chaos a bit. Embrace the void, and let its impending embrace lead you to enjoy each moment. That's definitely something I can work on. Also, if you ever have some free time and are interested in inquiring more on what the ego actually is, I highly recommend checking out Actualized.org: https://www.actualized.org/articles/the-enlightened-self. This guy has a lot of interesting ideas on the subject. I don't know what I think about them yet, but they have got me thinking about it a lot.

It's why I knew I liked you and Csaba after reading some of your first journal posts. You realize that life is a game, and you don't have to play by the rules society has given you. It's better to be the toaster that knows what it is, than the one that doesn't. We have far better chances of one day being promoted to waffle-irons this way. Also, the subway metaphor was interesting. I didn't quite get it, but it seems like you're on to something. As for post-structuralism article, it went over my head on my first glance. I'll need to take a peek at it later after I've had more sleep. That and look up the definition of obfuscated, because it sounds fancy. 187 Days w/o Gaming, 2 Day w/o YouTube, 6 Days Meditated School is still very difficult. Every day I hope that my studying habits will just "click" the next. I'm learning that this is a very slow process and must be given its own time. Just as bad habits are built over the years, so are the good. Consistency and patience. I also remembered about one of my passions that I haven't been feeding lately. The whole reason why I set myself up in such a difficult field of studies in college was because I saw medicine as the best way to make a difference with the skills and hopes that I have. I made a promise to a friend from South Sudan that I would visit his country some day. I'm fighting to become the man that can make a difference there when I do, and I plan on doing more than visiting. The country bleeds right now, and it breaks my heart. There are so many hurting people in the world (and other organisms as well for that matter). I happen to be born where I am and as who I am, and it would be so easy to turn a blind eye to it all; I do it all the time. At the same time, sometimes it isn't easy. What if I were them? I would hope that the person who had the resources to help would try. I have the naive hopes of a little child and the cynicism of a crotchety, old man as I wonder what I can do. This is why I am here, and why I try to improve myself. So that one day I'll be strong enough to try, and try in a way where I realistically have a chance of making a difference. I keep on getting swept up in the bullshit of my own life, and forget how important that goal is, and why I set it in the first place. Focus. Focus. It sure beats hedonism. That shit's boring.

@destoroyah Well put. I learn tons of things and then get a poor grade in one class, and get by learning almost nothing in another class, and get the same grade in both. The problem is, admissions boards only have scores, extracurriculars, recommendation letters, and interviews to go on, and the first one is the most objective. I hear that America's system is very unique, because almost all of our tests are multiple choice. There aren't too many ways to show your professors what you've learned when you're a statistic. Still, as cynical as I sound, I know that it takes playing the game to beat the game. I'm still developing my winning formula, but I have hope that I'll be able to give them what they want while still gaining what I seek. And the book is whack, that's what's so enjoyable about it. Reading it is weight-lifting for the mind. I read it in high-school with a teacher to help pick it apart, so it may help to read/watch an analysis of it. Some pretty mind-blowing stuff in there. 186 Days w/o Gaming, 1 Day w/o YouTube, 5 Days Meditated We are all operantly conditioned. Through pleasure and pain we are trained to perform certain behaviors. If you go back far enough almost all of it can be traced back to the simple principles of biology (the will for survival, the need to pass on ones genes, etc.), but the tools of psychology and sociology are far more useful in our current state. Can a carbon-powered machine (if that term even means anything) gain the power to change its own code? Can a toaster rewire itself to gain self-awareness? I feel that we are closer to the toaster than we think. I know that complete freedom is impossible. We'd always see the next rung on the latter, not realizing that they never end (or do they?). Still, I would like to die knowing that I gained more freedom from my primordial binary than the amount that society has allotted me. If there is such a thing as a worthy life, that certainly seems in the right direction. It'll take a great deal of effort. It'll take much better life habits and an improved sense of deductive reasoning. I'd better get started immediately.

Let them keep their trinkets. You don't have to play their game. That's why I like you. You realize that it's all a game, and therefore can make your own rules. Go build yourself a palace in your mind and then do with the external world as you will. Hey, and I take the bus twice a day, so I can completely relate to the joy that those rides and sleep can bring. Makes us appreciate them both more.

^This. Yes. It's been pushing me to the edge more than I ever have before, and it has made me stronger. I've wanted to quit to make to the pain stop so many times (funny, that phrase is one I've used before about addiction, but I'm equating it to my dreams here; interesting), but I haven't. It's time to break out my rocket ship fueled by adversity. I'll see ya'll later. 183 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube, 2 Days Meditated I almost made it through last weekend, but gave in near the end of Sunday. There was improvement, and there will be even more in the future. I spoke with one of my professors today who is in charge of the Masters program, and he confirmed my suspicions: I have to pull myself out of the GPA pit, and there is a point of no-return (for certain future prospects at least) if I keep on digging myself deeper. This means I'm on death ground. Succeed or die, but retreat is not an option. The light is blinding, but I will continue to walk through it until I make it to the other side. Stronger, wiser, and more complete. Gotta let the old die so that the new can come to be. That's one of the big laws of biology. The weak's going to go away and some crazy strong niche species are going to fill their space.

True. Gotta keep those options open and not get stuck in one perspective. 179 Days w/o Gaming, 6 Days w/o YouTube, 2 Days Meditated I'm feeling a lot better and am getting a lot more work done, but I'm still not out of the pit yet. The main stressor is grades. I'm so far from what I need to get into grad school, and my trajectory for this semester is already off from where it needs to be. I'm optimistic, but realistic. Keeping to the grindstone to get the elevation I need so my plane doesn't crash into the mountains. Not regretting the past, not having anxiety over the future, but experiencing the present fully one moment at a time.

178 Days w/o Gaming, 5 Days w/o YouTube, 1 Days Meditated “First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what you have to do.” – Epictetus “Expecting is the greatest impediment to living. In anticipation of tomorrow, it loses today.” – Seneca “When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive.” – Marcus Aurelius Stoic Sages, grant me the wisdom and strength to live a worthy life. To smile at adversity, to "meet Triumph and Disaster [and] treat those two imposters just the same", and to work hard towards a goal worth fighting for. To become a better person building a better world.

@destoroyah Yeah you get it! Batman did have extraordinary willpower. That was his super-power, and that's why he's the best DC/Marvel hero in my book. The parallel I draw between him and Conan is the wheel of pain. If you notice that's the symbol Conan wears around his neck for the rest of the movie until Valeria dies. The wheel is where we grow strong and are prepared for the journey. I'm at the wheel right now, and hope to graduate on to the arena soon. When I get to the point where I can climb towers, which will likely be another decade by my timeline, I'll be sure to hit you up. We'll get you some nice treasure, because I'd do it just to see that tower burn. 177 Days w/o Gaming, 4 Days w/o YouTube, 0 Days Meditated Not enough hours in a day. I wake up, go to class, try to study, then it's time to go home before I've felt that I've gotten any work done. I've been getting my tests back and I'm still so far from the mark. The past three years have been a test of how many hits I can take. I must be the Homer Simpson of boxing, being a human punching bag until my opponent is knocked out from fatigue. It's about time I was the one throwing the punches. Grant me Excellence. If you do not listen, then to hell with you! P.S. One positive thing I can say about today is that I remembered about my most powerful asset: the fire. The fire is that feeling when you're taking on a superior force alone, and yet you're the one with the cocky smile and the spark in your eye, and they're the ones that are becoming scared. I need the fire to burn within if I want to succeed.

You said it before: you're still deadly even when you're crawling on the ground. Make the world pay for every inch of ground it tries to take from you. It made a grave mistake when it thought that sickness would break your spirit. Also I enjoyed the Office Space reference. I don't know if you've ever seen it, but I'm geeky to admit that the 1984 Conan the Barbarian is my favorite movie. The plot summary is that Arnold Schwarzenegger goes on a rampage and kills more things than he says intelligible lines in it, which is pretty much any movie ever. Anyway, there's a prayer from it that might serve you well in this situation.