d.manuk

I know by now that even if I downloaded and played it I wouldn’t enjoy it. I’ve relapsed enough to know by now. It’s just the thought of playing that makes it seem fun. But actually doing it is not fun for me anymore. It’s actually a very stressful game and feels like a job.

I’ve been thinking about League of Legends occasionally. I’m also very annoyed with how slow the 3G internet is. I may just end up buying regular internet for my apt.

I met with an old coworker last night and it was nice to catch up. She told me I looked really good and cute, better than when she had last saw me, which was really nice. I usually don't believe it when people say that but I believed her haha. I have been working out more consistently since last I saw her and even though I have the same work clothes I am filling them out a bit better I think. I have a little bit of acne this morning but I am trying not to let it get me down based on what my coworker said. It was the first time I really socialized in the past few weeks so it was nice. I'm going to attend a few meetups later this week and also I have a date tomorrow. I'm trying to get my social life back on track!

I will conclude that I am grateful and appreciative of most of my time with my ex. I don’t think he meant for things to turn out this way or make me feel so hurt towards the end. I am still a bit upset about the fact that after 7 years we called it quits, but it’s better than the alternative. Breaking up with someone of that long of a timeframe is a slow process of the relationship unraveling. It isn't a sharp pain, but rather a deep pain that bruises rather than bleeds. We had a lot of fun experiences together and I will miss not having that kind of dynamic with another lover for some time in my life, but I think I’ll be able to do it again in the future with someone else. I want to find someone similar to him in that regard, but also someone that is more open, honest, and ethical. If he had been that way, our relationship could have survived. But I was given a rare chance to experience a different kind of life, and have a lot of new and different experiences that were positive and the negative ones gave me insight into what I deem important in my life. Thank you Michael!

Every day that goes by, I'm happier to be away from my ex. He was just so ungrateful of the life I was offering him, and overall just such a mess. I hope his life turns to shit in the same way that I imagine it will. I mean, how else can your life turn out if you're drinking every day and doing coke and jerking off to people in diapers? Omfg! 🤢 Loser. I think this will be the last time I mention him, in my journal or otherwise in my life. It's time to move on! 🤗 I ordered a king sized bed and it will arrive next weekend. Once it gets delivered, I'll be able to have more guys over and have threesomes. 😆 I'm excited, I've only done it once. This weekend I spent a lot of time cleaning my apartment and doing assorted chores. Things are harder are the house when you're the only person around to do them. I'm 90% settled in. I upgraded my phone plan from $30 to $50. The reason was so I could use hotspot internet. I got tired of not having internet at home, mostly for spotify and browsing the web on a larger screen than my phone. The hotspot is only 3G and so slow though. But I'm nervous about my budget and don't want to have too many high recurring and ongoing expenses. Also, I want to spend less time in front of a screen... even if that means I'm just having sex instead. Wow, my journal lately has just been sex sex sex. And so has my life I suppose. I also got the hotspot internet to reaffirm my commitment to no gaming. Even though its so extremely slow that I can't even download anime on it. It can just play songs and browse the internet lightly. I've been craving League of Legends occasionally since I haven't been social and only been doing chores around the house.

When I got into a relationship with my ex boyfriend 6.5 years ago, I went into the relationship knowing I wouldn’t be fully sexually satisfied. I’ve actually had sex with a lot of people in my life, mostly when I was young (about 300 by now?). He was quite mediocre at it, not very flexible, not very intuitive, not very passionate, not very perceptive, and not very creative. Overall, he’s about the middle of the pack when it comes to my experiences. I knew I was compromising on being sexually fulfilled going into our relationship but thought it would be fine since he was treating me nicely. But once cracks started to appear in our relationship I lost all sexual interest in him, because I felt like I was doing him a favor by sleeping with him. I’m usually better looking than him. He probably knew it too, and that’s why he was spending so much money on me. I’m going to make sure my next relationship has a stronger foundation. Most of the sex I’ve had in the last 3 weeks has been much more enjoyable than with my ex. I don’t think I’m necessarily addicted to having sex at the moment. I do think I have some pent up desires as I was always pretty sexual outside of this relationship, and me living alone for the first time is just a perfect way to explore my sexuality. I need to end up dating someone I’m truly hungry for. My goal is to find a friend with benefits that will eventually turn into a boyfriend.

I don’t miss my boyfriend today and I think I can do better.

Today, I miss my ex boyfriend and the life we had together. I start my new job tomorrow.

I’ve been having a lot of sex with different people since I moved, usually 2 per day. It’s so easy to get and I’ve been substituting it for finding ways to make friends because it’s easy (and because I’m living alone for the first time). All I’ve really done is unpack and have sex in the week I’ve been here. I’m probably mildly addicted just like with gaming. I don’t even know if this is better, it might be worse than gaming since I could get an STD. Not sure. It is fun to connect so intimately with new people and have them tell me I’m good looking even though I don’t feel that way. It’s also a good workout.

Here's an update on my vision board from wayyy early in my journal: Since this apartment is completely under my control it looks pretty minimalist like the picture. I also just bought a bidet for my toilet hehe. I think I also deserve a checkmark for #4, I was extremely stressed before moving (had bad breakouts) but I pushed through it and did my best with the help of Cardcaptor Sakura. I'm less stressed now but I think it will take another week to settle in. Also here is an update to my net worth, you can see the effect my 1 year of unemployment has had when I stopped working in Nob 2018. My 401k account was deleted and so was the history and that's why there's such a huge jump at that time but there's screenshots earlier in my journal if you are really curious:

The nearest grocery store that is fully stocked is a 13 minute walk away. To me, that is a lot since I used to always live <5 minutes away or had one in my building in NYC. That can be a lot especially if you have more than 4 big bags. I'm used to shopping only once a week. I live in Malden which seems to be a suburb of Boston. I consider it to be a small town. I like it a lot though, it is nice and quiet. A big difference from growing up in NYC.

I’ve had some mild cravings to play league of legends the past few days. Amusing. I think it’s because I can’t do art half the day because I don’t own a lamp yet and 1 room really needs one. I also haven’t been eating normally I think it’s because I am stressed about everything that needs to be done in my apartment and also because the grocery store is far from my apartment and I don’t have a car. I’m only eating half of what I normally do and I woke up at 4am today really hungry. I’m sure I’ll get more adjusted soon.

I’m feeling very good. Everything went well with the move except for 2 things: I chipped my favorite table, and also my favorite 2 plants died on the trip up here. But I’m happy with the apartment and I’m going to be done unpacking tonight.

I've been laughing so much for the past 20 minutes. It's just too fucking funny! 🤣😂 Tears are coming out of my eyes its so funny. I'm dying lmao. Today's my last day in NYC, I'll be getting up at 5:30AM to get the uHaul. I spent the day today with my best friend, now my favorite thing about NYC. I can't imagine that at one point I thought my ex was my best friend and that she was second in my life? Crazy. We had vegan Buddhist Korean food, sang karaoke, and did an Escape Room (with 15 minutes to spare). I will miss her a lot, but she said she'll come visit me and I'm sure I'll come visit her too. Anyway, the funny news is that my ex just got diagnosed with an STD. It's my last day ever in NYC and already his grand plans for a highly sexual open relationship is slapping him in the face with reality. He's such a naive and stupid dumbass. It's really just so funny. What a way to go out and make me feel like I'm making an excellent decision while he's stressed and freaking out and potentially rethinking the decisions he's made over the past few years of taking me for granted. I can only hope I don't get an STD as well during my search for a new boyfriend. I think its best for me to be single for a while... hopefully I can find a fwb situation that will evolve into a relationship down the line because we like each other so much. 😊 I'm still laughing a bit. LOL Fuck you Mike, you fucking subhuman worm. Way to waste my life and make me feel like shit throughout the process. I'm sure you'll end up with what and whom you deserve.

I'll be moving in 5 days. I'm so nervous about all the things that might go wrong with the move. I'm going to be living alone and I'm going to have to take care of everything myself. I read some bad reviews about the building I'm about to move into, about how the walls are paper thin and you can hear your neighbors. So I'm scared about what if they're true? I thought it was nice when I visited but now I am worried. I also think it would be inconsiderate to tell my friends about this because they're already bummed that I'm abruptly leaving the city and there isn't much they can do other than say "it'll be alright." Just typing this last sentence out reminded me of my favorite of all time, Cardcaptor Sakura. I feel a lot better now. I guess this is the magic power of journaling. If you think everything will be alright, it will turn out to be that way. That is Sakura's greatest magic spell. 😊 I'm sure I'll be all right! - - - By the way, what are video games? I feel like this journal is no longer in any way related to gaming.

2020 is going to be a year of metamorphosis. I will do what I want, and do things to my liking. I will focus on bettering myself, and grow to be my best self yet. I’ve always wanted to try sleeping on a shikibuton, but my boyfriend didn’t want me to. Well, now I will have my own apartment so I will try it. So what if people may not want to have sex on it? It’s for me to sleep on, and I don’t care about what they want. I will focus on my job, my body, and my art this year (in that order).

I’m currently visitIng my grandma in Canada. I went to the gym today and am working on a painting. So far, it has potential to be good. I’m already reading a book by the CEO of Microsoft, but it’s pretty boring. I find most books to move very slowly and not give a lot of important information. It’s mostly just people rambling instead of being concise. Maybe that’s why I like fantasy novels if I read at all. At least they have some action.

Ways gaming improved my life: I self-taught myself photoshop I know how to download pretty much anything I want for free I'm faster on a computer than pretty much anyone I've ever met in the workplace I have good research skills on the internet Efficient at tracking and also completing a long list of small tasks to do (quests). My life is very tidy. This can also be a con because it's mentally taxing to be hyper aware of everything that needs to be done. Playing relatively obscure MMOs gave me very unique experiences growing up that helped shape my subconscious Did not fall into drinking or doing hard drugs since I avoided the party college life Playing League of Legends for a span of 6+ years made me more emotionally intelligent and helped me discern when it made sense for me to get upset More exposure to anime/Japanese culture Exposure to a lot of different types of peoples' inner thoughts

Today my thoughts are: Thank goodness my life is on an upwards trajectory. I watched a teenage romance movie about college and it made me regret all of my years gaming and smoking weed. Only in the past few months have I started socializing, and I’m about to restart all over again and going to have to find new friends which will be hard. I’m going to be 30 this year and I feel like I’m only starting to get a grasp of my life. I wonder if I’ll be able to have a sweet and innocent love.

Reasons we are breaking up We want very different futures I want to live around quiet nature and have a simple life He wants to live in a big city and show off how much money he has He likes to eat very fancy meals with 8 courses where you need to wear a suit and tie The only fancy food I like is sushi and Japanese food, and you don’t need to dress up for those and is still more casual He drinks alcohol every single day and doesn’t think he has a problem I don’t drink alcohol at all He is very impatient and can get angry when things don’t go his way right away, it makes me uncomfortable. He seems like a stupid baby. He doesn’t know how to relax. I love to relax. I always have to hurry around him. Even when we’re walking, he usually walks far ahead of me because he doesn’t want to slow down his walking pace to match mine and I don’t want to run after him all the time. He wants to own a lot of stuff, and I do not. He likes to be distracted and doesn’t really appreciate the present moment. Even when we hang out he is on his phone texting friends. He wants to be in an open relationship and have sex with other people. I do not. He isn’t someone that has very close relationships with other people. Instead, he has a very large amount of people who are acquaintances that he can’t have deep conversations with. Even him and his best friends don’t seem that close, but they might just be acting differently around me. Even with me, I was learning big things about him 6 years into the relationship and I was his closest friend. He wasn’t ethical with me. He cheated on me multiple times, and didn’t really think it was a big deal and that I should get over it after a week or two. He seemed to think that I should implicitly trust him and think he has good intentions all of the time, despite his actions. He lied very frequently. He believes that 15 minutes of most likely bad sex every few weeks with strangers is important enough to him to end our long-term monogamous relationship. He doesn’t want to get married and I do. He likes to do drugs like cocaine and I don’t. I want to live a sober life and be naturally high with others. My friends are the same way for the most part and I love their energy. His friends aren’t very good people, all they seem to do is drink and talk about hooking up with other people. Without drinking being the main activity they do, they won’t have much to do. I’ve just come to the conclusion that he is a worm that just deserves to be stepped on. What a disgusting person he’s devolved into, at least in my head. I hope this new chapter of my life will be as awesome as it’s appearing to be. Things I will miss: Being silly with each other Having someone at my side that understands me very well Him paying for nice dates (though I’ve realized that since it isn’t my money and I don’t have much control over what it’s spent on, I don’t really enjoy it and it’s more like a neutral benefit). Just having a mild sense of financial security That isn’t dependent on me is nice. I think that’s it. There’s not much I will miss.

My New Years resolution for 2020 is to reduce my environmental footprint. I will start with reusable produce and shopping bags, and also better educate myself about recycling. I don’t know very much about recycling and I am learning that some of my good intentions have been actually harming the overall system.

I've never lived on my own before. I hope I can find a studio to live in rather than living with roommates. I went from living with my very poor parents to living with my boyfriend. We've been together for over 6 years and I've grown accustomed to him. At first, I felt like a peasant that had been saved and made into a princess... but for the past 2 years I've felt more like a sex worker and it's felt less and less worth it. Here's an artwork I made for my friend's birthday. Tomorrow I'm going to tell my best friend I'm going to be moving to Boston in a month...

I didn't think 2019's "RELEASE" theme would mean a release from my imperfect fitting relationship. ? I will try to journal more often in the upcoming weeks to try to help sort out my feelings about this situation. I told my boyfriend I was going to accept the job and that we’d be separating after all. He hadn’t fully thought it would happen but I guess the reality hit him today when I accepted the job offer. I should be starting the job on February 1st and by that point I should be settled into the new city. I’m scared about the future, because my boyfriend made 5x more money than me and heavily subsidized my somewhat luxurious lifestyle that I've gotten used to. I’m really thankful for everything my boyfriend has done for me, except some of his unethical behavior that I can’t overlook. I was always a bit uncomfortable with the financial situation though, and felt like I didn’t deserve to have much of a voice in the relationship as a result. I’m going to go from living in a luxurious 2 bedroom and being able to save almost my full 401k contribution to moving into a very crappy studio (if I can even find a place cheap enough that I can live alone in). It seems that instead of being stressed about relationship issues, I’ll be a little stressed about money. I wonder which one will be more stressful? I wonder what my life will look like. Will this be something I regret in the future? I’m going to go from being an upper middle-class young adult to a typical poor millennial. I hadn't cooked in the past 3 years and now lately I've been cooking every day. But I'm a person that can find joy in simplicity. I just need to make sure that I have a strong handle on my negative feelings, since when the go unchecked I get very very negative. Here are some plans I have for my apartment: I will not have internet connection (to save money but also to focus on my art) I will focus on working out, cooking, and making art. I don’t think I will have money or time to focus on anything else. I think I will start by doing yoga for the first month of my job to see what my budget will look like as a single person. Find some friends that like to make art Looking at my things, I wonder what I can really take. I have a huge table and a king size bed that I bought for us, would a studio even be able to hold both of these things? I was considering sleeping on the floor, but Boston is very cold compared to NYC and I think the floors will be too cold for me to experiment with this. I’m scared, but determined…

Yes I am fine with it, I think I may have mentioned some of the problems with my boyfriend in my previous journal posts somewhere but probably didn’t go into too much detail. I actually hope I get the job, I feel ready for a big change and I want to be out of the “transition phase” I’m in now while awaiting their final decision. Boston is a lot smaller and quieter than NYC so my quality of life would only get better, and I would be taking public transit anyway.

This is a big period of change for me. There's a possibility I'll be getting a job in Boston, in which case I'll break up with my boyfriend of 6+ years and live alone for the first time and in a different city for the first time in my life. I decided to give up drinking tea for meditation and ceremony, which was a big part of my life, for optimal health reasons. So I got rid of a lot of things related to it and it felt like I was giving away a big part of my existing life. I'm trying to just concentrate on other parts of my life instead. I had some acne on my face and was embarrassed so I didn't hang out with friends as often as I wanted to, which is very important for keeping me happy and engaged in my life. And so, for the past few weeks, I have felt very very very very small urges to play games. But I have not given in and have fairly easily redirected my thinking. Some good things that happened recently: I went to a concert of my favorite band that only tours once every 4 years and it was really good, and I threw a party with 3 of my friends and we did art and then I made dinner and went out dancing for a short while.