d.manuk

It’s starting to get colder and I’m worried that summer is over.

I spoke with my great aunt on the phone today. I love her so much. I wish Canada were letting people into the country so I could visit her. My great aunt is the only adult I've had in my life that seems to like me without wanting anything from me other than my companionship and . She's the kindest person I've known. I actually like her more the older I get. I hope she can live at least 10 more years, she's 85. I have a lot of nice memories of being up at her cottage and garden.

Can't eat: Try out: Nuts Eggs Lamb Pork Liver Krave cleanser Oil cleansing White fish Beans Chicken thighs Green vegetables Tomato Eggplant Butter Here's my plan for my elimination diet. I've only been eating beef at the moment. So far I had a bad reaction to nuts.

The medicine I got has been working well, so I'm feeling pretty good. I've also been fasting for 3 days now to try to help heal my body. I'm going to start eating tomorrow morning. Today I also went through my apartment and threw out a bunch of things I no longer have a use for. It felt great. One thing I want to remember even though I gave it away/threw it out is a polar bear backpack I bought on my trip to Japan with my ex. It was so cute but I'm way too old to wear something like that and was always too embarrassed to wear it. Although I really liked it, it wasn't a fit for my real style so I let it go. I've also been thinking lately about my ex more often (probably because I'm bored, lol). I still don't regret breaking up with him, nor do I miss the life we had together since it wasn't a good fit for my laid back personality. But the time we spent together was an extremely interesting time nonetheless. Instead of focusing on the bad things when I think about him (which naturally come up as the first thing when I think about him), I've been trying to shift and think of good memories during our relationship instead. I have looked at his social media lately, but found nothing interesting. I found it funny I guess, like a... hah, I remember that guy, that's funny that I used to date someone like him, it's funny that he's still out there doing his thing, it's funny that that's the new person he's fooling around with... No ill intent though. Just, funny and happy that I'm separated from him. I feel good today, doing stuff around the apartment that I haven't devoted time to in months made me feel really happy. 😄

I have a bad infection and went to the doctor to get medicine. I've been watching romance movies and crying and it feels good. I hope I can find someone that takes good care of me in the future.

My friend from NYC is coming to visit me today as a surprise. Unexpected but welcome. It’s the first socialization I’m going to have in half a year.

My vision board: 1. Have acne-free skin for 30 days 2. Buy a house in a semi-remote place with a large backyard

I think in 2 weeks I'll be ready to go on a date with someone. I want to do it before the end of the month, I want to make the most of the summer while it's still warm and nice. New diet is going ok. I also did this yoga sequence this morning:

Last night I spent 4 hours streaming my watercolor process and voice chatting with one of my old friends and also 3 other new people on discord. I liked it and I had fun. We all got to pick different music to listen to in the background. Even though I was talking to new people, my main focus was my friend and since the group was small it wasn't hard to socialize. I was able to do it from the comfort of my own home and didn't have to worry about how I looked either.

I haven’t socialized with anyone for a long time and I don’t want to. I don’t want to become friends with anyone new. I don’t want to make small talk. I don’t want anyone to look at me or talk to me. I just want to be left alone for another year while I metamorphasize into a new butterfly.

Political views don’t make me too angry. Usually just confused because people who are liberal are almost always extremely empathetic, and I’m not like that and my views are based in logic. I haven’t reduced my Internet consumption but I’m happy with it. I’ve been learning a lot and I feel like I learn more every single day, much more than a few months ago. Having podcasts on in the background has been great, I feel like I’m getting addicted to learning. Today is day 3 on a ketogenic diet and so far it’s giving me really great skin so I’m excited to continue. Even though I ate what I thought was a healthy diet I was still consuming 200g+ of carbs a day. I wonder how good I will look in a few weeks. Confident enough to post a selfie on Instagram? Haha I hope so

Everything is good today. 😄 I just got back from the gym and repotted some plants this morning.

I feel confident and happy today. I also got a lot of work done. I’ve been listening to a lot of podcasts lately because I want to be smarter. I've been wondering how to generate a second income, and I’m not sure if making art is the right way to go... I feel like the return would be very low. While I like the colors in this latest art piece, I don’t like the anatomy.

One of my older friends reached out to me yesterday and it was fun catching up with her. I’m working on a new art piece and so far I really like the colors. I just came back from the gym and had a good workout and there was barely anyone there. I’m having a good day.

I’m pretty sure I’m a conservative/Republican after researching a decent amount and becoming more informed about Thomas Sowell’s research. Lately there’s not much to do except work and listen to podcasts while I draw. I’ve been making a good recovery at the gym, I feel like I have a lot of energy lately. Maybe it’s because I’ve decided not to hide from my political views/world outlook? That sounds too poetic to be true but who knows, maybe that denial of self expression blocked some kind of chakra point within myself.

I’m going through a confusing time in my life. I looked back at my old Instagram stories and felt a lot of nostalgia. I used to feel financially taken care of, lived in luxury, and had developed a close group of friends, and I chose to leave all of that for something better. The Instagram stories only show the good parts, but I now live in a very different city. I think I want to move somewhere even more rural, so I’m not sure what my future will look like. I haven’t met anyone yet here that I like, although I haven’t had the chance to meet many people lately. I’m sure I’ll feel differently tomorrow.

Dealing with a bit of acne which is making me 😣 I completed this art piece which I’m proud of. I went to the gym again yesterday and I’m not too far off from where I left off a few months ago it seems so that’s promising. I wanted to fix my sleep schedule today but I turned off the alarm and went back to sleep and woke up at 9am. I’ll try again tomorrow 😅

I've had sex maybe 5 times since March. I often go through very low periods where I have little interest to do it. I often felt confined within my old relationship because I felt I had to have sex with my partner at a minimum once every week or two, and I would have preferred not to do it at all for months on end sometimes. Having sexual freedom feels good, although it's not without its drawbacks. I think it could be tied to how I feel about my skin and my self-confidence which is linked to how much acne I have.

I got 5 hours of sleep and broke a glass this morning because I was so stressed. However I decided to tell my manager about the situation and he told me not to worry and that what happened wasn’t appropriate so I’m glad I told him.

Today was the first time my new job made me cry. I guess it’s a good sign it hasn’t happened sooner since I’ve worked here 6 months (my old job made me cry 4 days in). It still doesn’t feel good though. Everyone at my work is stressed right now because of a big deadline at the end of the week, including me. I got low-key threatened to be fired and/or get a bad review from someone I work with if I don’t do a good job/change my behavior. Luckily they aren’t my direct boss and they didn’t say it too seriously (they were discussing their thoughts) but I also need to impress them too.

I read through the last few pages of my journal. I noticed that when I was talking about why I left my relationship, I didn’t mention the most important reasons: a lack of trust and poor communication. I’ve decided to stop doing art for a few weeks because I feel burnt out. I’m going to focus on work, skincare, fitness, and sex in the meantime.

My skin has been improving a LOT. I’ve incorporated a lot of oatmeal into my skincare routine and it seems to be working really well. I look a lot better than I did 2 weeks ago. I’m really excited, but I’m also trying not to get too excited. Everytime my skin clears up and I start to get confident it gets fucked up for weeks and I get extremely depressed. I have a lot of anxiety around this. Since my laptop is broken and my skin is clearing up, I’ve been having a lot of sex instead... 😅

I hooked up with someone new for the first time in a while. I realized at that time that my motivation to exercise stems from trying to be as high up in the social hierarchy as I can. These feelings hit me strongly after hanging out with someone for the first time in a long time. It was interesting (and natural). Physical contact with other human beings is important since we're social creatures. I watched a very cool stream yesterday of a girl dancing and I danced along for about 40 minutes and it was a good workout. I think I have the motivation to work out more often now.

I’ve decided to stop trying to be a streamer. I need to work on my self confidence, and improve the way I look. I also plan to do a bunch of anatomy studies rather than doing complete works of art so I can improve faster. I’m trying a new skincare routine and I am hopeful I’ve found the first moisturizer of my life which doesn’t break me out. I tried to replace thermal paste inside my laptop and ended up damaging the motherboard I think and need to have the whole thing repaired, lol. I regret trying to fix something like this on my own. 😢 I’ve made some strides towards completing chores that have been in progress for months now... I’m closing in on the finish line and that’s exciting. I’ve started to do some shadow work. I really need to start doing bodyweight exercises, my body feels really weak. I want the gym to open soon. Still trying to get rid of the gnats in my apartment, but I think they may be coming in from the outside. I’m going to try spraying pesticides around my windows. I’ve been in a funk lately due to the hysteria happening online around the BLM riots and defunding the police movement, and my friends’ reactions to them. I want to find some conservative or moderate friends... I’m not sure how to do that though. Perhaps at my gym. It would be refreshing over the far-left liberals I’ve been surrounded by my entire life. I’ve almost stopped communicating with my existing friends and that’s been tough.

I’ve been listening to audio books by Russell Brand about how he recovered from addiction and his version of the 12 step program, which still involves submitting to a higher being. Initially, I don’t agree with this approach but he also said that it’s likely you won’t but have to trust the process. I still don’t trust it but I’m going to listen to the entire books to see if I can learn something. I am interested in doing some shadow work though. I haven’t reflected on painful memories in a while, excluding my breakup. I’ve been working on a new painting and it has the potential to be the best one I’ve made so far. I hope I don’t mess it up. Digital art is a lot easier in that sense, but it feels less special and interesting to me (even as a viewer rather than the artist creating it).