d.manuk

Feeling pretty good. Next few days will be busy at work. I went to the gym yesterday. https://open.spotify.com/track/5lvLiD5JeZuYdY1qIdrv5P?si=ZKsyO38SS9yW4fKe1aGr7Q

I’ve been enjoying listening to dark techno lately. I had a good painting session with friends on Discord yesterday.

I’m significantly less depressed than I was one year ago.

I have a 23 year old coming over for a date in an hour. I currently have a thing for young guys, I think it’s because I finally have my own place and guys that age never do so I never really dated anyone in that age range before. It’s fun and since I don’t look or act like I’m 30. In some ways I relate to them more than the guys I normally go for. I don’t have my feelings sorted out on the age difference though, I prefer to be the younger one and be the one that’s taken care of and that dynamic isn’t fully possible with someone that has less life experience. So I’m mostly having fun and seeing if I could have a serious relationship with someone like that. In some ways it could work because I could try to give them the relationship I never got. But I don’t really want to be in that role.

Had a date with a very cute 22 year old. I’m pulling so many young guys, I’m having a very good time lol

The 2% salicylic acid I tried to incorporate into my skin routine was causing me to purge so I decided to stop using it. My skin looked great before I tried it out.

I hate myself. I don't believe anyone. I dislike most people. I'm ugly and have no confidence. I only care about myself. I get sick easily and should have died a long time ago, I've lived past my natural life. And yet I feel like I'm better than most people too. I'm disgusting.

I finished my first oil painting. It didn’t get many likes on Instagram but my friend who it was for really liked it.

I had sex with a really cute 21 year old even though I’m 30. I had a lot of fun and he said I looked his age haha. I liked that he said that a lot. I think we’re going to see each other more, we both seem to like each other a lot.

So much of the music I listened to during the past 8 years has been horrible. The injury from my surgery is healing well, I don’t need to wear a bandage on it anymore. I’ve been making big changes to my apartment and have been selling stuff I no longer use. I’ve framed some art my friends made for me a while ago.

I’m starting to look a bit healthier since my surgery, I’ve been taking pictures of my face every few days for the past several months. 😆 I’m finding oil painting to be difficult. I sold or got rid of most of my plants. I have 4 left. I want less responsibility and less flies in my apartment.

I ended up having a pretty good birthday, and a surprising number of people reached out to me today which I wasn't expecting. Even my grandma called me, even though I had just reached out to her last week. I bought oil paints, which I am trying out and unsure if I'll like. It's very different from watercolor. I'm going to try my best with them.

Today is my birthday and I turn 30. I feel a bit down because I'm alone, and haven't been since I was a teenager. The surgery is further isolating me from meeting people, as I can't really date until I'm fully healed. I was fairly happy after the surgery because most of the pain went away right after and I was feeling better, but now not being fully healed is frustrating me as it could take half a year for me to be fully back to normal. It's 12:24am and no one has texted me happy birthday 🙂 Normally I wouldn't care about something like that but I'm feeling sensitive at this time. I've done a few things to pare down the number of things in my apartment and I have a few more ideas I'm going to roll out over the next couple of weeks. After I finish my meetings today I'm going to go to an art store and treat myself. I'm going to buy oil painting supplies and try something completely new. My birthday wish for this year is to be fully happy as much as possible. Edit: Actually I saw on my Instagram that one of my friends messaged me right at 12am to say happy birthday. I started to cry when I saw it, I was so touched. Thank you Tay.

I turn 30 in 8 days. I wish I were in better health for this milestone, but I’m still in a good mood and looking forward to a new chapter. I’ve been in a very positive mood for the past few weeks despite my circumstances.

I think the worst of my illness is over and I'm recovering well from my surgery. Also my elimination diet is going well. I took a short walk outside today. I'm sad I missed the end of the summer, but I'm happy that I'm healing and have a renewed positive outlook on life now that I'm healthy again.

It's been a week since my surgery. I only needed to get 1, as they realized it was pretty simple fix once they were inside. I'm still healing but feeling better. I think I'll start working out in 3 weeks or less (yoga). In 5 weeks or less I'll start weightlifting again. My elimination diet evolved during the past two weeks and I'm very excited. I need to do more testing before I can give an updated result though.

I’m scheduled for surgery next week, and will be getting multiple surgeries.

I'm healing but it's taking longer than it should. I have an appointment with a surgeon in 8 days to get an opinion. I really like this song. My skin is very clear, beef liver is great.

I'm going to a different doctor tomorrow to get a second opinion. Thankfully my work week has been very quiet and I haven't had to do much.

I had to throw out 5 more plants. Almost all of my favorite plants were infected. It's really a bummer. This is giving me an opportunity to rethink how many plants I want in my apartment going forward. Anthony Jeselnik said a funny quote that I agree with "I'd rather be alone than annoyed." 😆 I've been watching a lot of comedy and also started watching Psycho Pass. I recently finished Neon Genesis Evangelion (6/10).

I have to throw out a new plant I bought because it has a spider mite infestation everywhere. I'm really bummed about it, it was a huge and beautiful plant.

My skin is the clearest it's been in a long time. I'm currently happy with the elimination diet, although I wish I could eat like a normal person without sensitivity issues. The infected injury I had burst and it's been oozing puss and old blood for the past 2 hours. It's disgusting, smelly, and annoying. I hope this means it's in its final stages of healing... My work got much busier this week. It's a little stressful but I don't feel too different. My attention is solely focused on my health at the moment and I'm not doing much work throughout the day. I haven't done any art in the past 3 weeks since I've started feeling crummy. I've been thinking a lot about creating a YouTube channel about personal finance, since that's my job. I could make some extra money through that while also better educating myself for my job. I'll have so many options available to me once my skin is clear and I figure out my health. I'm so optimistic.

I had been planning to go to Manchester, NH this weekend but decided not to because I'm still not feeling 100%. Funnily, I found out that my ex is there this weekend. The thought of accidentally encountering him makes me gag with disgust and discomfort. If we accidentally bumped into each other, I don't think I could be very polite and would probably make a grossed out face right away, I wouldn't be able to help myself lol. What a horrible social situation to think about, I'd rather not. I just finished watching Vinland Saga. It was 7/10. I'm starting to get antsy and just want to feel back to normal. I guess that means my health has improved quite a bit, haha. Everything in my life is pretty good today. I'm currently very into this oldie type of music, it's very relaxing.

So far I've eaten steak and 4 eggs today. I went to the grocery store while it was raining and it was nice, it reminded me of Japan. I'm still recovering from my injury.

I just went for a 1 hour hike. It was really nice and peaceful. I did feel a bit dizzy the whole time, I think it’s because I’ve been lying in bed for a whole week. Summer does seem like it’s ending. The elimination diet is going well so far, I’m going to try eating eggs tomorrow.