d.manuk

I’m going to try nofap for 2 months and I’m already a bit over a week in. To be honest it’s not hard at all, I’ve been really low on sexual energy for a while now and I’m doing this to try to repair myself. I get erections at night while I sleep but not during the day. I was having a lot of sex and masterbating just because I was bored, not because I was horny. I learned that you can deep condition your eyebrows, armpits, pubes and I tried it and I think it makes me look a little bit better so I’m happy with that. I bought some cologne samples and some new deodorants and I’m going to play around with that a little bit. I had such a good gym week last week, I did 4 really intense days and I’m proud. I have my first laser scar removal appointment on Thursday and I’m happy to start the process.

I have a deep well of anger that I can draw from. It’s a well that is usually covered; I’m usually happy and when something goes wrong I don’t get too mad. However, the tension from getting mad gets stored in my body, it’s not easy to hold back a lion. I do my best to reduce it, but I think it’s too deep to ever go away. My childhood and life experiences haven’t always been the best. The phrase “I hate everyone” is a little extreme and not really how I feel, but isn’t as untrue as I wish it would be. I think I could kill someone without feeling too bad about it. The way I’ve been trying to take water out of the well is through exercise and getting regular massages and to keep myself as happy as possible.

I actually think writing and updating the bio describing myself is helpful because it frames the way I think about myself. It’s clear I have a lot of negative opinions about certain aspects of myself, and I think working through that and writing an accurate description of myself that I like will help me present myself more confidently to others.

Whew, I just finished cleaning my entire apartment... I've been meaning to do it for weeks now but have felt low energy/unmotivated. Well the time felt right and I listened to a podcast while cleaning. I also went grocery shopping this morning, yesterday I worked for a lot of the day to catch up for next week. ☺️

I decided to re-follow my ex on Instagram. I no longer feel grossed out when I think of him, instead I feel amused that we dated for 6 years. I think this means that I’ve finished the grieving process of our relationship. Interestingly despite this action of mine, I still don’t really want to talk to him. I guess I just want him in my pocket as part of my past instead of ignoring his existence.

I plan on playing the New World MMO when it comes out. I’m looking forward to playing it but am not going to discuss it much since this is Gamequitters. As long as I’m not wasting my life playing League of Legends or having sex because I’m bored, I’ll feel like I’m winning at life. I doubt I’ll have a toxic relationship with this game, I’ll probably play for a while until I get bored in the same way I did with Maplestory 2 a few years ago. I got the first round of shots in my neck of Kybella, and it wasn’t as bad as I was expecting. It feels strange but I have a feeling like I’ll like the results by the end. I also got the consultation and have my first round of laser scar removal in 2 weeks, which I am very excited for. I’m thinking that I’ll continue working on myself and avoid dating/hooking up at a minimum until the Kybella treatments are over (3 months minimum), or until the laser scar removal is over with (approximately 6-9 months). After my health scare a few weeks ago, I’ve deleted all of the romance related apps on my phone and haven’t felt like I’m missing out on anything yet. As I look into the future, I’m going to type out a “real” dating app bio here below, and then I’ll spend time softening and deleting most of it so that I don’t sound so unpleasant. Just reading through it once, I sound so high maintenance, but I suppose that I am in reality. I don’t sound particularly likeable, I’ll probably just keep all of the positive sounds parts. Hi, I’m David. I grew up in NYC for the first 30 years of my life. I had a lot of unique and interesting experiences there, but ultimately left because it’s not the type of environment I thrive in. I want to own a house in a quieter suburb with a nice private backyard with lots of trees and plants. I really like my privacy and part of the reason why I left NYC was because I disliked having strangers look at me: walking down the street, and even when I’m walking around inside my apartment on the 20th floor people could easily see me unless I had the blinds closed. I’m a very sensitive person. I’m usually really happy and like to smile, though when I get upset I get very upset. I don’t have a snowflake personality, but I’m sensitive in almost every other way. I have a hard time watching horror movies or awkward comedy like The Office. I usually have to pause a show a lot if it's an awkward comedy or if things get too exciting. I don’t like sarcasm or dry humor. When I get nervous, I feel a lot of butterflies in my stomach. I’m introverted and although I like socializing 1 on 1 with people I’m really close to, I dislike meeting new people and talking in groups. I feel really connected to my close friends. I’m a minimalist because I don’t like cleaning, and because less visual clutter is more relaxing to me. I can’t be in the sun for too long because I have sensitive skin. I also have a restricted diet because a lot of food gives me acne. I don’t drink, smoke, or do drugs. I like masculine men. Feminine men make me uncomfortable. Politically, I’m moderate-conservative though I’m not really hung up on political labels. I don’t like Ru Paul’s drag race. I’m a Scorpio and although I don’t care too much about astrology, the typical Scorpio characteristics are extremely accurate for me. I don’t like pets, especially dogs. I’m not going to date someone with a dog, and I find them annoying, needy, and unintelligent. I do love animals and enjoy mostly looking at them. I don’t want children. I’m not close with my parents and don’t have a tight knit family dynamic. I’m only really close to my grandma. I have no siblings. I’m naked as much as possible, especially in the summer. I like to be comfortable. How much money you earn isn’t that important to me. I don’t enjoy eating tasting menus in 3 Michelin starred restaurants, and I don’t want to travel much anymore. I’ve experienced enough of that and realized it wasn’t really what I liked. I understand that this isn’t exactly a relatable paragraph to most people. My love language is touch. I like holding hands a lot and I want you to grab my butt haha. I like to weightlift, I hike and paint, I love watching TikTok videos, I like comedies and silly feel good movies. I love to watch anime but don’t like talking about it. I like to play online video games. I eat a lot of beef and lamb. Let’s do an activity for a date, rather than just meeting and talking. I listen to music a lot. I like techno and heavy metalcore. I think K Pop and heavy metal are more similar than you’d expect. I like fantasy and fiction, though not sci do because I don’t like guns, I like magic. I eat really healthy, I haven’t eaten any kind of desert or deep fried food in over 10 years.

The earliest fully formed memory from my childhood is me as a toddler sitting in a high chair. My mom has cooked lentils for me to eat, and puts it down in front of me. She turns around to do something, and during that time I push the plate off the table and the food falls on the floor. My mother turns around and slaps me and starts yelling. I start crying. Now, through my elimination diet, I've realized that beans seem to trigger my acne quite a bit and are a food I'm intolerant of.

I went to my workout class today, it was hard and I felt nauseous towards the end. I hit all the definitions of a high sensitive person: https://tangramwellness.com/blog//the-highly-sensitive-body-handle-with-care I came across this a few years ago but forgot about it The digestive stuff is very accurate as well as the skin conditions too, aside from all of the introvert stuff Still not really sure what to do with this info though

I don't think my focus on appearance is anything new, I'm sure I've mentioned acne in at least half of my journal posts over the past 4 years or so lol. However, I'm now focused on appearance even more than before. Initially, I was focused on acne because I had a lot of it even though I was eating really healthy and I was exasperated and it negatively affected the way I acted in my previous relationship. Now that I'm getting to the bottom of a lot of the causes of it, I can focus on improving my appearance in other ways as well. I am naturally good looking. I think I have a lot of potential to be really handsome. I wouldn't have landed a 7 year relationship with a guy that spent so much money on me living an Instagram life if I weren't physically attractive. I am also excited about reinventing myself a little bit, getting to the root of acne which has been causing insecurity, and flourishing like a seed that's finally been watered. I'm redoing my wardrobe as well now, and want to dress up more even when doing casual errands so I'm always prepared to meet someone. I'm also going to start the process of getting laser scar removal next week, and am considering getting Coolsculpting on the fat underneath my chin. I'm also growing out my hair a little bit more. I'm excited hehe Yes, I like to sleep with people and get validation from other people and have them say that I am attractive. I've had some pretty hot guys tell me how hot I am and then we have sex and it's an ego boost for sure and helps give me an objective idea of where my place is the social order. I also do it because it's the easiest way to socialize in a fun way. When it comes down to it, pretty much any guy will initially want me for my looks first and personality second. That's just how guys are. It's important to be physically attractive, I think even more so in the gay community than for straight guys. Generally speaking women don't care as much about muscles and being fit, but gay men appreciate the male form more deeply and so it's highly important to look good. If I want to attract someone with a decent personality and be hot, I will need to be a bombshell. There's a lot of competition in my city, because it's a college town and there's a lot of young boys here that I'm directly competing with. It's a somewhat unique situation and not tilted not in my favor. I went to the gym today right after I got the negative results back. I was really tired but I really just wanted to start getting back into the routine because I feel like I lost a lot of momentum. It was a light and easy day, because I have obviously been sick with something and was still low energy but I feel happy that I went and I'm excited to work out next week 3x again. I hope I didn't catch the delta COVID variant lol. The change in my mood after getting the good news was DRASTIC lol

According to the lab results, I don't have an STD after all. Seems like maybe I had some kind of small pimple or blister that popped and caused temporary discomfort. Very weird, but I am always really nervous about STDs so not surprising I freaked out. Hopefully no new symptoms or anything pop up in the next few days. I feel very silly but relieved at the moment hehe

So a bit earlier in the journal I said I'd try not to sleep around, and I did, but then I forgot I was doing that and slept with a bunch of people just because I was bored. This was stupid and I regret it, and sadly I got an STD from that. I have to take a good amount of time off from the gym which is really disappointing to me. I think I acted this way in part because I know that I'm still not in a good place to date anyone seriously. It all boils down to my elimination diet, until I have it fully figured out, I'm not going to want to go out to eat on dates etc... I'm going to go to more social meetups instead of hooking up with guys through apps. Last week my company had a party and it was the first time since I moved to Boston where I had a deep and interesting conversation with someone.... in over a year. It was really needed and made me feel good. I've only been socializing through hookup apps and having to pay for the interaction with my body essentially. A bump in the road, but hopefully I'm going to be back on the right track, 2 steps forward 1 step back. Really bummed about not being able to work out for a while though.

I met up with a guy yesterday and we had pretty great sex. My acne had healed a lot and he told me I was beautiful and how I have such a nice butt, etc. I’m looking forward to getting a nicer body over the next year in my training classes. At the end, he then told me he was very rich and how he wanted to continue hanging out at his house, so I agreed and he drove me there. He had a giant mansion and 2 tortoises and some dogs. I got bored kind of quickly and just wanted to be alone so I ended up going back to my house though. Someone being rich only impresses me for about 10 minutes lol. The experience was a nice ego boost for me though. I’m going to continue meeting this man, but at my apartment. I also realized that I hate dogs. They’re so needy and annoying and usually poorly behaved. If the guy yesterday didn’t have dogs I might have stayed. I’ve decided that I can’t date anyone with dogs.

Because I’m normally very attractive and when I have bad acne my attractiveness decreases substantially

The fact that I have some acne is weighing very heavily on me. It's like I'm almost back to my usual self mentally, though not as harsh on myself because the acne isn't as bad as it used to be. Can't wait for it to heal.

I woke up at 4:30 AM today because it got very warm during the night, and then I couldn't fall back asleep. I went to my 2nd personal training session of this week. I was very tempted not to go, my anxiety was high about going since I hadn't slept well and I was going to train with a different coach than last time and the group was going to be larger than last time. I also have some bad acne this week (though nothing like it was 1 year ago), which is very rare nowadays since I've been refining with my diet a lot to see what foods I'm sensitive to. I ate too much fatty lamb shoulder this week and that's what caused the problem and my self conscious feelings also strongly contributed to me not wanting to go to the gym. I'm happy that I pushed myself and ended up going. I feel kind of shitty because my technique for all of the exercises is quite bad, and I think bad form has been severely hampering my gym progress for the past 10 years. I guess I can only be happy that I took the right step now to correct it and attend these classes. I hope that I will make a lot of progress over the next year, because I think I have a strong yet very shaky foundation lol.

I started group personal training today. I think I'll improve on my technique a lot which will help me increase the strength of my lifts.

I'm going to sign up for group training classes at my gym even though my membership cost will go from $60 -> $280. I can't really afford it and will dip into my savings monthly but I think it will be worth it over the long run.

I went on a date where we just walked around and talked. It was nice and the conversation was easy. I’m not yet sure how attractive I find him because he’s in his 40’s, but I am curious and maybe we could get along. He seems rich but I don’t care about that. I’m just happy that it went well and it was a positive experience.

A new goal list: 1. Have my art displayed in a public space 2. Obtain a financial planning client

I’m going to try to be less promiscuous and to also work on being kinder and more social going forward. I think this is what the kind of men I want to attract want in a mate. I've been watching a lot of videos that recommend you should think about what the people you want to attract want instead of bettering yourself how you see fit.

I'm attempting to grow magic mushrooms, we'll see in a month if I was successful. I want to have another psychedelic trip and haven't found access to mushrooms in this new city so I need to grow my own. I'm buying a lot of new clothes, I want to have a hot boy summer with my new body and new fresh style. I'm continuing to spend a lot of money which makes me nervous. I bought a Dyson fan that was $550. I feel a little stupid spending that much money on a fan, but I've always wanted one since I was little because it has no blades and I bought a white one that should look pretty aesthetic in my apartment. My work wants me to start coming in, 2 days a week then slowly ramping up to 5 days a week by end of the summer. I want to negotiate to continue working from home part of the week. I'm not optimistic they'll be willing to compromise and I think I may start getting depressed as I start having to go back to the office full time. I'm also worried about meal prep for the office and continuing to make progress on my elimination diet. Usually fruits have been fine, but for some reason mangoes give me noticeable acne. Fish give me acne, but scallops seem okay.

I’ve had a very quiet month. The friend I’ve been talking to multiple times a week during quarantine had a bad experience irl and hasn’t wanted to really talk for a while so I’ve been leaving her alone so she can deal with her life. I painted the below picture for her. I’ve been pretty low energy.

I finished one of the three paintings I was working on. Overall, I think it looks pretty good on my wall. However, I am still disappointed in the result. I spent a lot of time on it but for some reason I don't think it came together that well. I changed color schemes in the middle of the painting but I don't think that's my main issue with it. I also think the photo looks worse than in real life when you're standing 6 feet away. I think I should have stopped working on it 10 hours earlier, but I am happy that my child is finally born. Unfortunately it also hasn't produced much of a response on Instagram, which is always a little disappointing. I spent about 10 hours cleaning and improving my apartment, which was long overdue. I've read a few oil painting books and learned a small amount of knowledge. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts instead of music. I'm meeting a guy tomorrow to hook up, the first time I have done that in a few months. I told him I want to take it slow so we aren't going to do anything too crazy. My elimination diet is progressing.

Ja mluvim Cesky 😄

Overall I feel very positive. After learning I weighted 180+lb, I've started to feel more confident in myself. The changes I'd been implementing have been showing progress. I changed my username. I don't think I've ever written this in my journal, but I'm actually a guy. 4 or 5 years ago when I created this journal I didn't want to write my gender because it would be obvious I'm gay and I also wanted support in my gamequitters journey. However, lately I just find it really hard to give a fuck about anyone else's opinion. I just want to be me that I want to be (which is different from the me that I am). I'm starting to feel like a man at age 30! I don't want to put up a nice boy fascade that I put up over the past 5 years in real life. I'm actually kind of a naughty guy with an imp-like sense of humor, and I find that endearing. It can be a lot to handle and obviously rubs most people the wrong way. I like heavy metal but I look really cute. It's that unexpected dichotomy in myself that I really like. There was a Jordan Peterson quote in a recent podcast that said something along the lines of "If you aren't being in alignment with yourself, your subconscious will harshly torture you for it." That struck me so hard for some reason. Perhaps it's temporary, but I hope not. For now, I'm enjoying this new metamorphosis, I love exploring and evolving myself.