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Day #71-74/90 I'm feeling overall better compared to the beginning of this week. I managed to get my second draft of my portfolio review done and checked in by upperclassmen. The reception I received was a lot better than anticipated. There are far less errors with my portfolio than expected and I don't nearly have as much work to do as anticipated. In any case, I am still pretty overwhelmed by portfolio in general, and that is what has been driving my inconsistency with this journal, I think. My classes actually haven't really overloaded me with work for the time being, but portfolio has taken a lot of mental space and it has been burning me out in all honesty. I cannot wait until I finally submit portfolio, because I feel like I spend more time thinking about submitting it than actually putting work into it. What I'm thankful for: Being able to see visible progress in my artistic journey. Generally speaking, I find it quite hard to observe any growth in myself as an artist. Trying to watch myself grow is like waiting for the day to end by watching a clock continuously tick. Being able to step back and say "I really am improving" is something I will not be experiencing at all times, so I don't take those few times for granted. Goals for Day #75: Make progress on tree painting. Do 20 Giraffe Gestures. Make fixes to graphite 3 tone cube-like render for portfolio.

Day #69-70/90 The last few days sucked honestly. I had 0 momentum throughout the day. I sat down in front of my computer staring for hours wanting to work on my assignment, and it just wasn't happening. I finally got my work done at the end of the day, but today could've been WAY more efficient and I resent myself for allowing so much valuable time to go down the drain. I really haven't felt like myself lately. I'm doing what I can to bounce back from this slump. Irritability has been increased overall. This mood shift kind of occurred with no real rhyme or reason, to be honest. What I'm thankful for: No longer thinking a streak of bad days isn't the end of the world. Myself less than 5 years ago would allow this sorta thing to snowball into months upon months of feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it. I'm going to bounce back this week regardless of how I'm feeling right now. Goals for Day #71: Work on portfolio. This is a top priority. Work on digital painting work.

Day #68/90 I fell asleep before I even had the chance to do this entry. The day went okay. I spent way too long on my trees and that's not because I drew them with excessive detail, it's because I fell back to old habits and allowed my overthinking to take over my process. 2 hours looks like a 30 minute effort, and I intend to be more conscientious of that. I had a friend have me over for a tabletop game day and that was a pretty fun time. What I'm thankful for: Lazy mornings. Goals for Day #69: Finish all 5 tree drawings, whether that be from photo reference of from life. Make readjustments to portfolio.

Day #63-#67/90 I've really let go of my daily journaling practices. To be honest, in the span of an entire week, not a lot has really happened. I have been grinding my schoolwork 24/7 and have succumbed to terrible sleeping habits. Not my proudest day to day structure throughout the week. My senses and will to do things have been kinda dull. I don't really know how to describe this feeling of mine. I feel a level of desensitization I suppose. My eating habits have been somewhat out of control, and I have a feeling it's out of a need to feel something. In any case, I haven't really felt any urges to go back to games. What I'm thankful for: Not being alone in my struggle, and having a safety net. Goals for Day #68: Draw 3 trees (1 hr minimum per tree) Relax

Day #62/90 Today was a pretty straightforward day. I spent a majority of my day working on my pinecone painting, which was quite challenging and I'm not as far as I'd like to be, but that's alright. I'm 95% past the shape block in phase and am currently trying to push and render in values. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think it's getting there. The floor and wall plane are far too saturated but I'm not too worried about that right now. I probably should be though, it could be altering my perception of saturation in the pinecone, so I'll probably address that first thing tomorrow. What I'm thankful for: Guilt free rest. Goals for Day #63: Funnel all my energies towards getting significant animation work done. Get on a voice call of some sort, since it seems to help tons with productivity for whatever reason vs complete silence.

Day #61/90 Yesterday was pretty neat. I spent some time working on my pinecone painting, and then afterwards I went to a local theatre and watched a film called "The Inventor" which was a stop motion/2d animated film about Leonardo Da Vinci. Afterwards the director, Jim Capobianco, walked out on stage alongside more of his team to answer questions. I definitely wanted to ask something but my mind was hazy and I'm not even entirely sure what I would ask. I'd have to give it a bit more thought in hindsight. In any case, it was a good day. When I got back home that night my roommate cooked and served a tofu dish (I never eat tofu but I enjoyed it quite a bit), and then I played some chess for the first time in a very long while. I really don't know much about chess other than the basic functions of the pieces. Strategies and patterns are completely lost on me since when I did play I was a complete casual. I then finished off my night with a bit more pinecone painting. Fast forward to present day, I'm currently up and am funneling all my energy towards getting my pinecone painting finished. What I'm thankful for: Not being a loner and getting out of my comfort zone. I'm glad I'm able to maintain basic social interaction. Goals for Day #62: Finish or get 80% of your pinecone done. Work on animation homework. Do 10-20 1 minute figure drawings to practice for portfolio. Create a list of priorities for portfolio.

I appreciate the nuanced response and also am glad to hear somebody else's own thoughts and experiences other than my own. I haven't had many opportunities to engage in such discussion, mostly due to my pessimistic view on the internet, and how futile meaningful discussion generally can be online. I guess I just figured in a space such as this one, where people go out of their way to try and improve themselves, I feel more inclined to be more open. Thank you again for your meaningful input!

Day #60/90 2/3 of the way there! I'm honestly pretty impressed with my streak so far! I definitely feel I have a lot more done compared to my last semester (completely devastating semester) and it's all thanks to the time opened up from dropping games. Anyways, I wasn't as productive as I'd like to be today but I did make time for myself which I guess is inherently productive for self care purposes. I studied with a friend on campus and I'd call our session successful! Anyways, there's not much to comment on otherwise. Tomorrow marks another day to grind! What I'm thankful for: My mental strength. I didn't realize how much restraint I could exercise until I did something like quit games for an extensive period of time. Goals for Day #61: Animation homework Painting homework Portfolio oriented work. Take real breaks. Do something for you.

Day #58-59/90 What a laborious 48 hours. I shouldn't really even be up right now, but at least I don't have class tomorrow. I spent the last few days animating 24/7. I still have a week to do this assignment, but I am trying to ensure I make it as portfolio ready as possible. Not much to say, but I do think the way I managed my last few days was pretty unhealthy. I did nothing but animate, I definitely should've taken a step away from my screens and walked or something because I feel like a zombie. What I'm thankful for: The merciful workload this semester. I can afford my bad habits but I still feel bad about them. Goals for Day #60 Take a walk. Engage in social activity outside of the house. Work on animation/painting homework. Portfolio corrections based on feedback.

Day #57/90 Today sucked. I ended up missing class because I was feeling extremely weak and lethargic, and I know its because I havent allowed myself to get enough sleep. I haven't been paying attention to my physical health all too well. I've neglected to mention that this point in my life is likely the most out of shape I've ever been. Stress eating, inconsistent usage of antidepressants among many other bad habits have contributed to my current physical state, and it's definitely what has been dragging me down these days. I should honestly sleep now. I'm painting a pinecone but it's not worth the time spent being awake. What im thankful for: Being young enough to bounce back from these habits faster than I would later on in life. Goals for Day #58: Finish animation homework.

Day #56/90 I got a lot of feedback on my portfolio today. A lot of varying opinions on the overall structure and quality of my portfolio pieces, but ultimately I was met with an overall consensus that I don't have much to worry about. I was very slow today. As a result, I didn't actually get a lot done. Hopefully that won't be the case for tomorrow. Not much else to say otherwise. What I'm thankful for: The time I spend alone. It can be a blessing or a curse, but I feel it's a necessity regardless. Goals for Day #57 Grind out animation homework Start pinecone painting

Day #55/90 My family wanted to spend time with me so for a majority of today, that's what we did. We went over to a park local to my area. I rollerbladed alongside my sister riding a longboard, and she managed to get some photography work in. Afterwards we went to a restaurant where I bordered some spaghetti. Throughout the pockets of time I did have I worked on a pencil rendering for my portfolio, just to utilize the idle time. Now I'm back and ready to either continue working on portfolio work or animation homework. It was a simple day, but not a bad one by any means. Time kinda just flew by without much room for the typical introspection I'd normally have with my free time. What I'm thankful for: Living so close to my family. Not many have the luxury of studying within their immediate family's vicinity. Goals for Day #56: Work on animation homework Work on portfolio. The time for submission approaches.

Day #54/90 I'll be honest, i forgot the entire point of this journaling process was to aid my journey in quitting video games. The fact 54 days have passed is kind of ridiculous. It truly felt like I blinked and time flew past me instantly. Anyways, today I spent my time working on a pencil render. I spent countless hours on it today and the fact I don't feel fatigue from investing time in such a time consuming project is always so validating to me. It shows me how patient I've truly become and to trust the process of building my fundamentals, regardless of how mundane they may be. The fact I enjoy rendering a cube for hours on end speaks volumes to me. At the moment I'm working on my Acorn Painting. I'm addressing some of the issues I have with the simplicity of the acorn. Otherwise I spent the majority of my day grinding out schoolwork, as I should be. What I'm thankful for: My slow recovery. 2020 up until now has been a long process of mental rehabilitation but I'm finally starting to feel more free to be vulnerable to those I'm closest to again. Goals for Day #55 Work on portfolio work Work on animation homework Watch a film. Take a break from the 24/7 art grind.

Day #53/90 I spent a majority of today with my sister. After going to my ortho appointment, we went to a local bakery and got some sweets. We then headed to Best Buy and browsed various electronics. I was particularly interested in a new laptop, since my current one is on its last legs. I likely won't be able to invest for a while though, since I'm not currently employed. Once I start working again sometime this Spring that'll definitely be on my mind when it comes to future investments. Otherwise, I didn't really work today. I'll allow it this time because I was working 24/7 throughout the entirety of last week. Once I spend a little time with a friend tomorrow though, I'm headed straight back home and grinding out my artwork. What I'm thankful for: My vision. I need to take better care of it... Goals for Day #54 Work on portfolio work Make good progress on homework

I agree with your points, but most of my ambitions to get better at what I'm doing isn't primarily placed in an inherent desire to become a cog in a corporate machine, but more or less coming from a place that denies I can't become a good artist in the first place. It's possible that someone like me over 5 years ago would've probably hated artists if highly accessible AI generated image making had come during that time. I never would've understood what it meant to pour everything into art, and how difficult and fulfilling it truly was to become so skilled at a craft that has a ludicrously high skill ceiling. I would've had a level of entitlement to pretty rendered images, not being able to fully understand why artists are so upset with the rise of AI. The reason skill and technique matter so much to me is because I'm proving to myself and anyone else who tried to bring me down that the lies I was fed were complete bs. As selfish as it sounds, I haven't even started thinking as far as serving others, because I'm still trying to take care of myself. You could even say I'm doing this out of spite ("screw you, I do what I want" kind of energy), but any ambitions motivated by spite are still rooted in my innate desire to create altogether, and not spite alone. I'm not naive enough to believe I'll be able to outcompete AI in the industry, but I think regardless of whether or not I do end up getting replaced, I'll still carry myself with a level of fulfillment those who don't understand a grind will never reach. It's not even really about art, it's about whether or not people understand why automation cannot fulfill people who enjoy immersion in highly skilled crafts like us.

Day #52/90 I actually fell asleep at I was typing this. Guess I was that exhausted. I spent a majority of my day working on my animation homework. It was such a hassle to find reference for the character I wanted to animate, but I managed to find some good resources after a long search. The day overall wasn't very eventful but that's alright. What I'm thankful for: Having a very light weekend. Not having a lot of homework feels weird. Goals for Day #53: Work on what little homework I have Work on portfolio work. Time to shift into high gear.

Day #51/90 Wow, I got knocked out. Yesterday was a pile of garbage in terms of productivity. I pulled an all-nighter the night before (completely unnecessary and I'm kicking myself at this very moment over it) and I ended up sleeping throughout the majority of yesterday. I did make some decent progress in my animation homework, but I'm currently working hard to ensure I have enough progress to get valuable critique in today's class session. I don't have much to say otherwise. I need to get better at anatomy I guess? I've been lacking in figure drawing, and its crucial at this point in my semester. What I'm thankful for: Spaghetti. I love spaghetti. Maybe too much for my own good. Goals for Day #52: Work on animation homework. Hey I'm doing that now, yay! Get quality sleep tonight. Don't think about everything at once. Please relax.

Day #50/90 I got very carried away with my work today. I've been in high gear in terms of productivity but I also need to take breaks because I have still struggled with an inefficient workflow. It is so hard for me to detach myself from my work when I'm immersed. It's an issue I've brought up many times throughout the days. I should be in bed and should have had this entry submitted over 6 hours ago, but here I am working on it the following day. As compensation, here's what I've been up to all night: It still needs a lot of work before it can be comparable to my Egg Painting. I think my tiredness is preventing me from processing the basic geometric form of an acorn cap. While this assignment may be due today, I definitely need to revisit this project. I need to produce more portfolio pieces. What I'm thankful for: My mother. God bless her. Goals for Day #51: Work on animation homework. Work on portfolio oriented artwork. Take real breaks when you can...

Thank you for sharing. Honesty with oneself can be quite scary, because that can easily become the catalyst for self-deprecation, or in the case you describe, a means to find happiness within oneself. I'm not sure if that makes any sense, but I think what we do with honesty can end up being highly volatile and I think is the reason I have found it so appealing to live in delusion for so long. I'm afraid of the truth, but I also understand that truth cannot be ignored either. Finding clarity and internalizing the truth of my own self has led me here so far, and I'd say its been a net positive. The way you phrased "ownership of your abilities" really spoke to me and it really had me thinking about myself. I think you expressed that superbly, and I think you're right on the money when it comes to discovering happiness through taking said ownership. Correlating those two resonates with me a lot and helps me re-contextualize my feelings about art in an interesting fashion, thank you for that.

Thank you for the kind words. I can relate to the feeling you describe as well. How awkward the experience is to me is dependent on whether or not I anticipate they are being genuine or if they speak from arrogance, if that makes any sense. In this case, I knew my professor wanted the best for me, so I paid full attention to him because he was acting in good faith. There's a chance that I might even be missing something entirely regardless of how well I think I know things.

Day #47-49/90 Hello everyone, its been a while. As I've mentioned before, I truly did fall out of the daily practice of journaling, and honestly I didn't realize how grounding a practice it is until it left my daily routine. I didn't realize how such a practice efficiently compartmentalized my feelings throughout each day, along with how it boosted the sense of structure I need to function on a day to day basis. With that being said, I will be spending a lot of time to summarize the days I neglected to journal about. Day #47/48 As you may have noticed in some of my sketches, I attended a huge event called Genesis X. Genesis is a series major video game tournaments, and I have attended it for the last 4 years or so to compete in Smash Brothers Ultimate. On the surface, this seems like the biggest mistake I could ever make, but I didn't come to this event to compete, I went to the event to speak with friends I haven't interacted with in a very long time. You'd think that being surrounded by such an overstimulating environment such as a mega internationally scaled series of video game events might spike my urges into relapse oblivion, but I am proud to say that this was not the case. Throughout my time at Genesis, I attended as a spectator, with 0 intentions to compete. I roomed with friends that were still fully immersed in the competitive Smash Ultimate scene I was once very in tune with. I went into the venue which was chock-full of video game setups ready to be used at a moment's notice. Hell, I had people approach me for games multiple times, and even after briefly explaining my detox, try and egg me on. I'm proud to say I effortlessly rejected all of these things and turned my experience at an otherwise relapse triggering event on the surface to a fruitful experience, that actually boosted my self-esteem and social skills. For one, I managed to do public sketching, and not just any public sketching, I drew people in public without a care in the world for what anyone else thought. I impressed myself in doing this because just last year I wouldn't even dare to do this at the same exact event. I think me pushing through all the anxiety and fear of judgment this year is a true testament to my commitment to my desired field of interest and art grind. Another thing to bring up is that I met someone I briefly talked to 5 years ago (I played Smash online with them and have no idea how I managed to remember who they were!) and as it turns out, they were an artist tabling for the event. Tabling at Genesis was something I've always wanted to do as an aspiring artist and I always though that was an unreachable goal for the longest time. Rekindling this connection of mine that I briefly made 5 years ago and having a heart-to-heart with him about art and my ambitions helped me develop a newfound confidence in becoming that artist that tables at a large scale convention center event such as Genesis. I never would've been able to perceive myself at a table at such a large scale event if it weren't for me finding this person again! All-in-all though, I managed to beat any urge to play games, and I stuck to my grind as an artist. I have internalized the true importance of my long-term goals and me going to Genesis and coming out unscathed (relapse wise) was the best thing for my confidence. It proved to me that I am far stronger than I had imagined and that I care a lot about getting good at my craft. Day #49 I woke up feeling highly lethargic today and I think that was mostly due to the fact I have been dealing with nasty neck inflammation, causing throbbing pain. It was likely an infection caused by a branch scratching the left side of my neck as I traversed local neighborhoods in my rollerblades late at night (not the smartest activity to do in hindsight). In any case, I was focused, and worked on my animation all day. Here I am now typing this. Not a very eventful day, but I also think it reinforces my mental fortitude considering I just got back from a highly stimulating experience such as Genesis. I had a rant today as well, which then turned into a self-reflection of my life in the last half decade or so. I will be sharing some takes on AI art within this rant, but the purpose of me bringing this into my entry isn't to have some long-winded debate, as it is something I have internalized for that very reason. This body of text is simply meant to provide more context to people who care enough to stumble upon my posts and know more about my own journey as an artist. With that being said, here's the rant in question: A rather controversial take I'll never share with many is if people believe artists are gatekeeping art through denouncing AI, it is that person who is gatekeeping themselves. There is no artist gene or lack thereof dictating how well you'll do. I would say I'm evidence of this. Before I was 19, I had no drawing skills. I didn't even care all that much about art. I believed I wasn't capable of becoming an artist. I didn't draw every day ever since I was 4 years old like many of the peers I study alongside today. I didn't even consider doing art as a hobby, let alone professionally. It was an entirely different world I wasn't interested in. During this time I was uncertain of what I wanted to do, and I usually leaned into whatever others felt was the best thing to do (STEM fields). I did dabble in the graphic design program at my local community college throughout high school, and that was probably my first proper introduction to a more serious take on visual arts. But even then, I didn't really take myself seriously at all. Impostor syndrome settled in as my slow, but growing desire to become an artist toward any capacity (even as casually as casual can get) prevented me from accepting the unconventional belief that I can grow artistically, as if it weren't a skill and rather some innate talent you were born with. In reality, I never had a complete lack of desire to create. It was merely suppressed by the art-negative environs I was subjected to growing up, whether it be my family, friends, or anybody else. I was indoctrinated into the belief that it was a complete waste of time. I didn't care until I came to my own conclusion that the arts were worth caring for; I listened to my own voice for the first time, and it shattered all the preconceived notions that art was a waste of time. It had me questioning everything I grew up knowing about the arts. I was exposed to my first art-positive environment ever in the form of a Discord server, and since then I have chosen the path of becoming a professional artist, regardless of how difficult and competitive this industry is; I rebelled against the very beliefs I grew up with. I have been on a grind for the last 4 years. Lots of that time was idle, empty time, but when I was efficient and learning, I truly did learn. All the pain and struggles I went through meant something, and every time I persisted it was an act of rebellion against the status quo. I am constantly challenging my own self-esteem and deeply ingrained beliefs, and fighting against the futility of becoming something I'm supposedly not meant to be because I wasn't born with "talent". I'd rather throw that vocabulary away and not become a self-fulfilling prophecy; somebody who isn't an artist because they believe that it's out of their control. The hard to swallow pill is that it is entirely in their control. It is a skill you hone for years. "Years" might be understating the trajectory of this skill. It's a skill you hone for the rest of your life. When you start is irrelevant. I've completely let go of my regrets: "I wish I started when I was 4", "I'm an adult now and I don't have the time my middle school self had", "My brain is not nearly as flexible as it once was and therefore it is meaningless to try." All bullshit. At the end of the day, what matters is that I love to draw. What people seem to forget is that the final product isn't the sole reason someone like me does art. It's the process involved. I love every step involved with making a piece. Unfinished work is still fulfilling work. Do I like AI? Not really. I won't hate you for using it, nor do I think everyone that does use it is ignorant to anything I've just stated. This is to those that have a deeply ingrained defeatist attitude towards becoming an artist of any caliber. You aren't an artist because of some pre-determined fate given from birth. You're not an artist because you choose not to be one. Stating otherwise would mean someone like me simply doesn't exist. This is the reality check I needed in order to move forward with my ambitions. I needed to believe I could become an artist and that I was holding myself back before I was able to actually proceed. And just to be clear, I still battle with a lot of the insecurities mentioned in that mini-rant to this day. Me not submitting for portfolio review the first time around last semester was a byproduct of severe performance anxiety and my lack of acknowledging my skills and growth as an artist. I still feel those deeply ingrained traditional beliefs of not being able to become the artist I want to simply because I wasn't built like my peers. The logical side of my brain knows that isn't the case, and that my hard work and mileage will undeniably bring me to greater heights whether I believe it or not. But yeah, sorry for the long read. A lot happened in my mind this weekend. I'm doing all I can to continue pushing forward. What I'm thankful for: Discovering this forum. I look at the entries I've created and it has served me well in continuing the path to success. It makes me feel accomplished, regardless of whether I write about my failures or successes. Goals for Day #50: Finish up slap animation and work towards finishing acorn painting. Work on portfolio oriented artwork. Share tentative portfolio with roommates (it's time to rip off the band-aid).

Day #44-46/90 Hello everyone. I've really fallen out of the daily journal routine. It does feel bad, but I havent forgotten about this practice. To sum up the last few days, they've actually been pretty overwhelming, but not in an entirely negative sense. You could say I went through a lot of undocumented self-reflection. I even did things I've never had the confidence to do before, like sketch in one of the most public places possible; a convention center event. Honestly, this weekend is really busy, and I'm mentally preoccupied right now, but just know that I've read your replies to my previous post (to whom it applies to), and I have been in good shape despite my absence. I'll be sure to summarize my weekend experience in due time. As compensation, here's some work I did TODAY 😉 What I'm thankful for: The kindness people displayed today encouraging me to draw outside more. Goals for Day #47/90: Finalize photo reference and start painting acorn project Continue animation work

Day #42-43/90 I neglected posting yesterday, mostly due to the fact I was actually going through a lot of self-reflection about recent experiences to the point where I overwhelmed myself out of writing a post. I'm actually going to share something kind of personal, but it's a note I took from my experiences on Monday and how my reactions on that particular day reflect my behaviors over the years: Today I received critique for my digital artwork. I spent time focusing on what was bad about the piece, despite what highly positive things my peers and professor told me. It was the first time in a long while I was able to submit something I was proud of calling my own artwork, and it was also the first time in a while I received that magnitude of positive feedback from peers. Most notably, my professor told me that he was actually pleasantly surprised with my piece due to my confidence levels in class being so low at the very beginning. At the very beginning of the semester my professor gave us an exercise (paint a 10 step value scale, paint a gradation from white to black and render a sphere digitally in 30 minutes). It was actually a very straightforward assignment, but I froze a LOT during the assignment, resulting in a sphere that appeared like it was done by someone who doesn't understand light. I was petrified with performance anxiety throughout this experience, and I had my professor walk over to me and ask if I was alright. He then started asking me about who I had for acrylics and what grade I got. My response to the latter was silence. He then asked me how comfortable I felt painting, and I actually didn't remember the response until today when my professor reminded me. I said "I don't really know how to paint." My professor heard this and being the non-judgmental person he seems to be, he simply did a demo for me at my seat. I helplessly watched as he did something I knew deep down I fully understood and was capable of producing, but allowing my emotions to question my own knowledge. Throughout the scope of my first painting project, he immediately realized it wasn't my skill level, but my unimaginably low confidence levels. He diagnosed it immediately when he saw it, and I'd say he did hit the nail right on the head as many others have, I just didn't expect to hear it from him so directly, so quickly, and only barely a week into knowing me. I felt exposed in a way I didn't expect. After viewing everyone's work in class, he came over to me and reaffirmed to me many times that my skill level is vastly different from my own confidence levels. Peers walked up to me saying I had the best looking painted hand in the class, or just generally telling me how incredible the thumb on that hand was. I don't bring this up to inflate my ego. On the contrary, I was taken aback and uncertain about the reception. I then felt afterwards it was appropriate to have a one on one talk to my professor about my circumstances. I gave him the sparknotes summarization of my time in the art program and mentioned all my shortcomings. I told him about my performance in acrylics, and that gave him full context about my silence in class. He seems to fully understand there's nothing he can do to prove to me how capable I am, and in my own thoughts I knew it was as if he was looking at an endlessly tall wall; a monument to my own overpowering negative self-esteem. It was a good heart to heart. After class I walked home. As I walked home I called my Mom, expecting to be really happy about my artwork and all the positive things said about it. Instead what came out was me retelling these events in a confused tone. I was confused by my own tone as I was telling her about it, and she was also confused too. She called out how sad I sounded and I didn't realize that my reaction reflected strangely to the reality of the situation. Objectively, I fulfilled the assignment with great performance. But in my head, I guess I can't seem to accept being happy about the results. I'm afraid of stagnation, and not only that, but I'm also questioning the genuine nature of said feedback. I feel so attuned to the negative feedback loop and poor performance throughout the semesters that I felt incapable of accepting that the painting I produced for this class was made as a result of my raw skills. I tried to find ways of justifying in my head that the piece was not a true representation of what I'm capable of, but a handicapped product of working in digital media. Before this particular piece, my paintings were largely unfinished/tarnished by my severe lack of confidence. It has become harder and harder to justify my ruthless negativity, but I still feel incapable of indulging in this moment. My professor said it, my roommates said it, my peers said it, my family said it: I have severe self-esteem issues. It made me reflect upon how much differently things would've been if I had tried to find the good things about myself and my work vs the bad things. It made me think of a world where I found it so easy to accept and indulge in the positive reception due to my hard work, regardless of any metric of quality involved. My mother left the call with the words "I may not be a professional, but if I were you, I would take and own your victory." The last few hours had me thinking a lot about this, and what it means for portfolio next month. Outside of these thoughts I jotted down, I don't have much else to share. I'm still trying to figure myself out, in all honesty. I've truthfully done really bad on paper academically at least in this art program over the last few semesters, but I'm hoping that I can find an answer to my complex, convoluted mess of deeply ingrained self-hatred. What I'm thankful for: Being capale of awareness. Goals for Day #44 Animation homework Start brainstorming reference for next painting project Portfolio work

Day #41/90 I have been consistently deep in the zone every time I do painting homework, but I also think because of the ridiculous amount of time I spend on said homework, I end up being extremely inefficient. At least I didn't finish 2 hours before class. I am not going to bother writing all that much about today since most of it was just creating value thumbs, so how about I simply show you what I did today? In fact, feel free to tell me which is your preferred composition! What I'm thankful for: Feeling capable toward some capacity as an adult. My self-esteem issues have made me feel differently in the last few years. Goals for Day #42: Work on animation keys for slap assignment first and foremost Spend extra time trying to capture photo reference Portfolio artwork

Day #40/90 I spent the entire day with my sister. She helped me find acorns and pinecones at a local trail for my painting assignment. After that, she took me out for food and ice cream, and also took me to Best Buy to check out a laptop I've had my eye on for a while now. She was very accommodating to me, far more than I deserved; I love her so much. She wanted to enjoy the limited time she had with me over the weekend, since I likely won't be able to visit for a while after today. What I'm thankful for: My sister! 😃 Goals for Day #41 Digital painting homework Animation homework (it'd be great to finish this tomorrow.) Learn more keyboard! Portfolio artwork.