[Intro post]

Ayyy 30+ gang! And from Canada too! I'm from Edmonton. Welcome 🙂

[Games Make Me Tired and Lost]

Welcome! We're glad you're here. 🙂

[Daniel G's Journal]

I had a couple of fillings done at the dentist. I went on a few walks, bought a new book (the one Cam recommended), and saw the Dungeons and Dragons movie with my dad.

Today marks 7 years of sobriety from alcohol. 11 days without video games. I'm definitely in a different space than I was seven years ago, but in some ways, it feels like the start again. Back then, I was just... completely numbed out, to the point where I wasn't really even aware of the physical sensations happening in my body. It seemed pretty hopeless. I only really went to the treatment centre because it was made very easy for me to do so. I didn't really think there would be a way for me to live sober. How little did I know then :).

I have come a long way in my journey to sobriety. My awareness, in general, is definitely better than it used to be, in many ways. I have a much clearer understanding in how I think/act. I am able to connect with how I feel, even if I don't really have the words sometimes to describe what it is that I'm feeling. I am more in tune with what's going on around me. I am more mindful and intentional during the day. However, if I am not careful, I can still go to that place of unrealistic expectation and perfection, and be wholly dissatisfied with where I'm at.

I have met many people along the way who have helped me. My old roommate David was a kind soul who spent many hours listening to me wrestle with ideas and spiritual concepts. My old sponsor, Toby, would also provide me with a compassionate sounding board, and good counsel. He also housed me when I was my most manic, which I will forever be thankful for. The people in the rooms of AA are many, who've shared their story in a way that resonated with me, they helped me learn how to open up and show up in an authentic way.

There are many more people to meet and things to learn. This new chapter in my story, I suspect, will be challenging in ways that I haven't had to deal with yet. It has been fairly smooth thus far, and perhaps I will ride a 'pink cloud' for a while, which isn't the worst thing in the world :P. Still, I want to focus on making sustainable changes to my life, healthy habits that I will carry with me as I keep trudging the road of happy destiny.

One Thing That Went Well Today:

The fillings were filled with no hiccups. I am supposed to reconvene with my dentist in 3 weeks time to check on the major filling, to see if it can simply be resolved this way instead of a root canal.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for the cool breeze today. It felt invigorating and refreshing.

I am grateful for my Cedars hoodie. It keeps me warm and comfy.

I am grateful for compassion. It is uplifting when we support each other, and truly try to help each other out. Not co-sign bullshit, or be enabling, but genuinely try to support and grow the best in us.

[Daniel G's Journal]

I fell asleep after dinner today, so I'm writing this a bit late. I went for a long walk and a short walk today. I tried to be present on the walks, being mindful of how the breeze felt, the sounds around me, the people along the trail, etc. I had a good talk with Cam, and the 'homework' I have for this week is to engage with people ~20% more than just your average 'hey how are ya?'. I also got a book recommendation :). I'll keep it short and sweet.

One Thing That Went Well Today:

I feel like my meeting with Cam went well. A good mix of talking about myself a bit and some action for moving forward.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for smiles. They can bring joy to those around us.

I am grateful for my brother's dog, Joy. She is a delightful creature, and is extraordinarily cute.

I am grateful for potato salad. It's delicious, not too healthy though :P.

[Daniel G's Journal]

Today was a good day. I attended my old homegroup AA meeting. I had an opportunity to share, which was nice. It was good to reconnect with people. I am going to celebrate my 7 year sobriety with them next Sunday :). I also spent some time with friends again. This time we had chinese food and watched anime.

I had a good conversation with one of my old-time friends, Joey, when he gave me a ride home tonight. It sounds like he's also feeling more motivated recently, but expressed his concerns about his parents 'taking the wind out of his sails', so to speak. It's a recurring pattern for him, and one I can kind of relate to. His strategy is to just be closed-off from his parents, and not talk to them about his new idea as to what to pursue in his life until it's a fully formulated plan. In some ways, his parents are supportive, and he recognizes and appreciates that. However, in some ways, it is difficult to be open with them about what's going on.

At some point in my life, I could definitely say it was the same with me. To a certain extent, it still is that way. If my parents get on my case about something, it typically has the opposite effect of what they desire. Instead of feeling motivated and pushed to do the thing they want me to do, I feel a strong desire to do the exact opposite, or nothing at all. Even knowing they want the best for me, even knowing that the 'thing' that they want me to do would ultimately be beneficial for me. The emotional 'ruts' that I have when it comes to my relationship with both my parents are well-worn at this point. I think the work I've put in to cultivating a sense of self has helped with being less reactive to my parents. Establishing an idea of who I am separate from people, places, and things.

All my friends play video games. I don't really have any that don't. They don't play them to the extent that I did, but it's still something to note, I suppose. There hasn't really been any big cravings or temptations to play video games for me. A few dreams about them though.

Tomorrow will be my first meeting with Cam. I am hopeful that it will be productive, but I am also trying to enter with an open mind and heart, with no expectations. It can be hard for me, though. Expectations seem to be the recurring theme for me, especially when it comes to working on myself/personal growth. Who knows, we'll see what the day brings!

Gratitude:

I am grateful for the good memories I have of my childhood. It can be nostalgic to reminisce about the good times.

I am grateful for my sobriety from alcohol. I am truly blessed to have been given the chance to work the 12 steps into my life.

I am grateful for tea. It can be a soothing, relaxing beverage to enjoy.

[Daniel G's Journal]

A relaxed kind of day today. Slept in, and had a fun Dungeons and Dragons session. I was playing a 'NPC', or like, 'guest character', for this campaign a friend of mine runs online. It was really fun, we went through a dungeon and completed my character's objective, retrieving a lost relic that would help restore a Goddess' influence on the world. I had a nap after, and watched an episode of anime.

I touched base with the guy I talked to yesterday as well. Seems like he's still doing well, he ended up reaching out to some of his friends, which really helped him feel better.

I would say I'm pretty introverted, so it makes sense that I would be low-energy after a day of socializing. I still might head out on a walk later on tonight. The smoke from the wildfires ravaging my province is still present, and my mom said the government is recommending staying inside unless absolutely necessary, so... I don't know. We have some masks leftover from when mask mandates were still in effect, I might just wear one of those to get my walk in.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for ice-cold water. It's refreshing and healthy :).

I am grateful for my breath. When I focus on it, it helps me stay grounded, and when I practice box-breathing, it calms and soothes me.

I am grateful for my awareness around seeking approval/wanting attention from people. I can recognize it when it comes up and let it go.

[Daniel G's Journal]

Today was a good day, but far less productive. I spent the majority of the day hanging out with friends. We picked up a bunch of cupcakes to try out for their wedding, ordered pizza, and watched anime. It was good times :).

We also had some opportunities to have more heart-to-heart kind of conversations. It was a good mix of sort of... 'serious', vulnerable talks and good humour/just goofing around. I opened up a bit about my own experiences and journey with mental health/addiction, and let them know some things that I guess they had never really known about me before.

I also spent some time messaging someone I met on the HealthyGamer discord tonight. Just a guy I met in the general chat. Mostly focused on a situation he was dealing with. He said he had come to a realization about his situation thanks to our conversation and that it was helpful to have someone to talk things through with. I am glad that it seems like I was able to help him sort out his thoughts a bit. I mostly tried to share my own experience and relate to where he was at, put myself in his shoes kind of thing.

I think a late-night walk is on the docket for tonight, considering I didn't do anything active today and had cupcakes and pizza, hehe.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my friends. Despite some of my shortcomings and lack of initiative, they still take the time to include me, which I am thankful for.

I am grateful for pizza. It's delicious.

I am grateful for Discord. Even though it's mainly a platform for people playing video games, it has provided me with communities focused on mental health, and a place to hang out with friends in a casual way.

[Daniel G's Journal]

Today was another mostly productive and enjoyable day without video games. I had my weekly coaching session through Healthy Gamer, which was thought-provoking and affirming emotionally. I attended another yoga class, which was far less physically intense and more focused on breath work/mindfulness. Both have their merits. I treated myself to some bubble tea (well, it was more of a fruit-y version than the 'real' thing), and sent a text to an employer I'd kind of left in limbo that I would not be returning. Like the text to the lawyer about my pardon, I suspect this one will also be left with no response, since the time I should have contacted them has long since passed. Housework-wise, I vacuumed the basement and made dinner again. I made a chicken curry with rice, using a mix of a pre-made Glico curry packet and some spices we had kicking around, including garam masala. It turned out pretty tasty, if a bit runny. I might try adding some cornstarch next time, or maybe letting it reduce out to concentrate the flavours as well.

It was nice to share the good news of my progress with the coaching group today. We spoke a lot about socializing. It seems like we're all steadily progressing in that space, which is cool to see. One of the group members brought up how he had, in the past, had more trouble with initiating conversation because he felt like he wasn't 'interesting', or wouldn't be able to come up with an engaging-enough topic. I can relate to that idea. I shared about my own lack of practice when it comes to taking the initiative in relationships/conversations, and how I still have to make intentional effort to reach out to people. I sometimes envy my brothers and my dad; they seem to naturally reach out to people. I think that's part of the reason why I have gotten away with being so passive in relationships, for the most part. Most of the relationships that I had growing up were mostly people reaching out to me, I often had to do very little to maintain the relationships. Now that I'm in the adult phase of my life, I'm finding that I have to put effort into maintaining and building relationships with people. Reflecting on my relationship also presents a good opportunity to practice acceptance and recognize where expectations might crop up. I would say I have a strong desire to form intimate, deep connections with the people in my life. That mixed with the instant-gratification, 'I want what I want and I want it NOW', mindset that come sometimes creep up on me makes for a bad combination, heh.

I've been intentionally trying to practice more gratitude in my life, since up until recently there was a distinct lack of that. I think it's still important and good to recognize "I'm grateful for X", but I feel like expressing that gratitude with action is a healthy way to solidify it. Taking care of my body, helping around the house, checking in with friends. I neglected a lot of those things for quite some time now. I think that's the nature of being spiritually sick, though. You forget or conveniently shove aside the things that would bring you joy, and focus more on pleasure, attention, the less... fulfulling ways of being, I guess.

I've gotten a couple of @everyone pings for some gaming Discord servers I'm still on. These ones I'm far less invested in than the ones I sent the farewell message to. I think I'll get around to cleaning it all up eventually, as I'm still going to be using Discord to talk to people.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my coaching sessions. It is nice to have a place where I can share freely what's going on and get insight/validation/relate to other people all in one place.

I am grateful for coffee. It tastes good and makes me go zoom, hehe.

I am grateful for people who go to vulnerable places in conversation. I think it brings us closer together when we share the things we hold close to our heart, even the bits that are uglier.

[Daniel G's Journal]

Today was fairly productive again. I went to the morning AA meeting close to my house, went to see my addictions counselor, went to the dentist, got a haircut/shave, and folded my laundry. I also went on fairly lengthy walks to get to places, and made dinner for the family today. Gratitude in action, helping out to show appreciation for the people who love me :).

I was asked to share at the meeting and went a bit off-topic, considering it's an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. I shared about where I'm at these days, and about coming to this decision about video games. I also shared about how I want to not just 'say' I'm going to do all these good things for me, but actually take action and do the things I intend to do. Today, I did those things, which is good. I don't necessarily 'feel' the accomplishment or pride in having done so, and while I hope that comes with time, maybe it's just something that won't happen for me. Which would be fine too, I think. I've spent a lot of time trying to 'feel' a certain way, I think it's more important for me to just do the things that are healthy for me. I heard other people echo the same sentiment of having trouble following through, and it made me glad that we could relate to each other.

In my meeting with my addictions counselor, we talked about how I can tie my self-worth into how people treat/react to me. It's an easy thing for me to think that because someone doesn't open up to me, doesn't like me, if we don't get along/gel, to internalize that as being unworthy. I let her know about my decision about video games, and we talked about how much of it was 'my' decision and how much was influenced by external factors. I believe it's mostly mine, but it would be dishonest to say that the effect my gaming was having on my mom wasn't a factor.

I have three cavities. This is the first time in my life I've had something wrong with my teeth, other than having my wisdom teeth pulled. I don't really feel particularly strongly about it one way or the other. It just makes sense that after not going to the dentist for a few years, your teeth would probably be affected.

No real cravings or temptations for video games. It's been pretty smooth thus far. I did uninstall all the games on my computer as a precaution.

Gratitude

I am grateful for lofi girl. The music is pretty soothing, and helps me focus on writing this journal.

I am grateful to have a roof over my head, and to have a safe place to come home to.

I am grateful for our dog, Fidel. He is a good companion, and brings great comfort with cuddles :).

[Daniel G's Journal]

I'm sitting here listening to lofi, gathering my thoughts. I have an animated background for my desktop, an Ori and the Blind Forest inspired piece. It's quite beautiful. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, but there's something to it that I find peaceful. My time in Cedars, the treatment center I went to for my alcoholism, put into stark relief my appreciation for nature. The treatment center was in the middle of a rainforest, and there were many opportunities to enjoy the natural world.

Day 4 of no video games. I had a productive day today. I called to book a dentist appointment, which I've been procrastinating on for years. I did my laundry, which I've been putting off for a couple weeks. I called the treatment center back about the milestone meeting they're having. I went on a errand/walk, grabbing a couple toiletries I'd run out of. And for the first time in what feels like a couple years, I attended a yoga class. It's not surprising how much time I've gained by not playing video games for the majority of the day, but I would say that the impact of it is cool to see.
It was bittersweet today as well. One of the games I played a lot was Neverwinter Nights 2, on a custom RP server. Baldur's Gate, The Sword Coast Chronicles. I let the people know in the community that I was quitting for good, and let them know the reason behind it. As I suspected, people were supportive. It is a more mature community that almost universally adheres to the principle of 'Real Life First', so I am not surprised by their understanding. They had kind words for me as well, which felt good. Like, I felt appreciated and glad that they valued the time we spent together as much as I did. I have many fond memories of building stories and hanging out with them, I will miss them.

I hope to become more in tune with how I'm feeling. During yoga class, which was hot yoga, I tried focusing on my heartspace, to gauge where I'm at emotionally. In the moment, it felt quite peaceful. A warmth eminating from the middle of my chest. Some insecurities crept up as well, but I was able to recognize them, honour them, and let them subside. I feel like I was successful in letting them go instead of just stuffing them down or trying to ignore them. There is a lingering doubt still present and a reluctance to be 100% certain though, because as my journey continues, I find that more and more 'truths' I've believed about myself, about the world, have proven to be false. That's usually when I remind myself that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, and to trust that with time, I will continue to grow and learn more. I am allowed to be wrong sometimes, and if I'm not that's cool too. So, with those caveats, I can say that yes, today, I processed the emotions and thoughts that I was consciously aware of. Which is pretty awesome 🙂.

I intend to re-read 'Atlas of the Heart' by Brené Brown. I believe having a more extensive vocabulary and understanding of emotions will help me identify, own, and feel them in myself. After I finish this journal entry, I am going to spend some time reading.

Breaking down things, one day at a time, continues to be a useful tool. It makes the task ahead seem much less daunting if I simply focus on what I have to do, today. Or perhaps just, what do I have to do next. "The next right thing", or "the next indicated thing", as they say in some 12-step groups. I hope that some of these tools that I have at times neglected come back into play into my life. I am hopeful as well that my time in the program will grant me some shiny new ones too.

Some of the challenges ahead for me include not eating at night, finding a job, getting my record suspension/pardon for my DUI done, getting my driving license back, and strengthening my relationships with God and the people in my life.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for the yoga studio I went to today. It was nice seeing a familiar face, and I am glad that I can feel mostly centered in the space they have created.
I am grateful for the good times I've had with video games. I am sad that my relationship with them has come to this critical point of failure, and that it will likely never be the same again.
I am grateful for my recovery from alcoholism. I think having previous experience with an addiction is a great asset moving forward. It was also the great motivator that pushed me to actually look at and work on myself.

[Hello everyone]

Thanks for sharing George. I can relate a lot to what you've written 🙂

[Daniel G's Journal]

I already wrote a lot for the introductory post, so I might keep this a bit shorter. I had a reflective walk after meeting with Cam tonight, and I think I'm addicted to video games. All the signs point to it, I'm just reluctant to let it go, I guess. I'm hopeful that things will turn out.

Gratitude:

I am grateful for my mom, who continues to be supportive and patient.

I am grateful for computers, that let me spill my brain vomit into some sort of cohesive thing that helps me express and formulate my thoughts.

I am grateful for delicious food.

[Here's Another Introduction Post]

Hello everyone.

My name is Daniel. I'm 31 years old, I live in my mother's basement, and my relationship with video games has detoriated to a point that I am forced to recognize a simple truth; I am addicted. I'm not really a new hat to this thing, I've been sober from alcohol (and any other mood/mind-altering substances) for the better part of 6 years now. It's kind of funny looking back at it, I remember thinking back in my drinking days that I had reached a really bad point when I stopped playing video games and just drank instead.

A lot of the time in AA, people talk about like, an 'aha!' moment with alcohol. This almost magical moment where all the emotional turmoil and shitty feelings just kind of melt away, and you feel blissful from their absence. I can't really remember with clarity having that moment with booze, but I can with video games. It was in elementary school, I can't remember the exact grade I was in, but I do remember it was a good friend's birthday and we were taking turns playing Mortal Kombat on the Nintendo 64. When it was my turn to play, it was like all the anxiety, sadness, fear, self-consciousness, just... all the shitty feelings, they just disappeared. I was reluctant to give up the controller, but we were taking turns, so I did relent. But having experienced that, it was very difficult to let go of the idea of playing video games.

Over the years, video games have played a vital role in keeping me sane. They've provided me with fond memories with friends, given me a sense of accomplishment, and provided countless hours of entertainment that I felt was meaningful experiences. However, it seems that it really isn't the case as much anymore. Where once I would be moved to tears from the ending of a video game, lamenting that my time with the various characters and my journey was at an end, now I am just, numb. Flat. It's almost out of a habit more than anything at this point. The highs and lows, while I'm sure are still there to some extent, have become dulled to the point where I don't really feel them anymore.

When my now ex-girlfriend would come over, I'd make sure to be a 'good boyfriend' by not playing video games while she was 'awake', but wake up at the crack of dawn to squeeze in some video game time. When I came back home from BC after having a mental breakdown (full-blown manic), I essentially spent a year doing nothing but play video games and hide in the basement. I had a great opportunity at a technical college to pursue computer software development, but Monster Hunter World came out around Spring Break (Reading Week?), and I ended up just playing that instead of going back to classes afterwards. I was still pretty in denial at that point, or perhaps not as far down the path as I am now, so I chalked it up to part of the build-up to my manic episode. I have had good spurts, especially the 2 years after coming out of treatment for alcoholism, which makes it more difficult to pinpoint and fully accept my condition. My mind can easily cling to and rationalize stuff, as most addicts' minds can, so hopefully I might be able to get more insight and help sort out some of my thinking here.

My mom read a book about someone Cam helped out, written by his mom. It's been a struggle, trying to wrestle with the idea that I'm really addicted to video games. They've played a pretty prominent role in most of my adult life. We'll see how it plays out, though. I guess I want to keep improving myself, and learn a way to live a healthy, balanced life without video games. Hopefully you learned a bit about me, and perhaps can relate with where I'm at.