Sarma

I don't know if this is a symptom of the detox. Sometimes I think about reality as it is, and feel kind of disconnected. I start to question my existence as a whole. I want to say it's because of anxiety, but I cant help but be worried that something worse is happening to me. These thoughts started to come to me when I had my first big panic attack at the end of high school. I didn't think of it much at the time, because I was obviously not feeling well. Now with reoccuring anxiety attacks, i fear that it could be something more serious. What do you guys think about this?

@fawn_xoxo Of course, you can't wait for your confidence. Only action will enable you to feel better about yourself. I don't really think much about my motivation right now. If I plan something I do it, simple as that.

What kept me gaming and building up self-esteem - Day 15 Why did I keep gaming even though it became a problem? I've been asking myself this question a lot lately. I figured it happened because I felt SECURE to keep on gaming. Let me explain: I never thought of gaming as an addiction. Even though I knew it was slowing me down I never took the detox seriously, until NOW. And I think it all comes down to if you think a gaming life is still SUSTAINABLE. Realistically, you aren't going to stop gaming if nothing/nobody is pressuring you externally. Think about it. An alcoholic isn't going to stop drinking if he's ok with where his life is. It's the same with video games. Yes, you know it's become a problem, but you feel NO PRESSURE, nothing has changed. Are you financially secure? Why make a change then? Do you have a loving family, gaming buddies and so on? Why make a change? See, we usually don't make changes unless we lose something/someone that was very dear to us. That is the reason why I kept gaming through high school even though I knew I wanted a change. I was financially secure - parents' money I was loved by my family, and had friends (in and outside of gaming). There was no need to be good/better at something, because I had enough security. Security=Mediocrity Indeed I became mediocre. A selfish, mediocre, dopamine driven human. And this went on throughout the entirety of high school. Only when I finished high school did I realize what I lost. The realization that change was coming was terrifying. I needed to become an adult. Only then had I finally "woken up". I started to take shit seriously. And here I am 15 days into my detox and I feel as committed as ever. SELF-ESTEEM: Self-esteem has always been an issue of mine. Whether that is setting goals, social situations or taking care of myself, I always had low self worth. That is kind of a down side of my personality. I over think everything, and look for perfection instead of just doing. I'm gonna stop listening to that inner voice and just do shit with blind confidence. I'm just tired of all the over thinking and just want to start acting. I'm having doubts about posting this even. I hate it, and it's time to show myself I am worthy of any life I choose. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE READ! I'm trying something a bit different, because I'm practicing my copywriting. It ain't anything good yet, but I hope to make my posts more readable and more enjoyable in the future. As always have a wonderful day, people!

The most important thing is to make a daily agenda. Even if it might not seem fun at the moment, filling your day with activities will help you steer away from boredom. Good luck on your journey!

Day 14 Hello everyone. If you're worried about me from last night I'm better. I talked to a close friend and my sister's husband, and I they helped me a bit. I spent much of my day thinking about taking this course for copywritting. I think I want it, but I'm unsure If it's a good decision. My mom says no matter what I'll get knowledge from it which is never bad. That is true, but I'm still having second thoughts. I guess I'm just scared of failing at this point, because I don't want to fuck up my life anymore. I want to do something that will work. Obviosly I can never know that unless I try. I think I'm gonna do it, and force myself to do the whole course which lasts 6 months. I want to make a living off of it, but I'm having thoughts like, this isn't realistic or that I'm not good enough for it. I've lost a lot of confidence the past few months and i got to get it back. So yeah I feel like this needs to be done, whether I like it or not. As for other aspects of my life, I exercised with my sisters husband today. It was an exercise with weights which I haven't done in a while. I really enjoyed it and am thinking of going to the gym again with my sisters husband. I feel more confidence in myself and I think I could finally go to the gym. As for my social life, I think it's improving bit by bit. I felt more comfortable today talking with my family and voicing my opinion. I'm trying to understand people around me more and listen to them more as well. I haven't gone out with friends much though, everyone is either out of town or busy. I just can't wait to go on vacation on the 20th, I'll get a lot of social exposure and a different environment. I can't believe I'm saying this, but i feel like I'm finally growing up. I feel like I'm "awake". I'm noticing stuff more and thinking a lot as well. It's actually scary and I guess that's the reason for my anxiety problems, I'm feeling "woke". Hopefully I'm right and this is all just some development period. But worry never escapes me. I'm really happy with today, I did my whole agenda. Have a nice day everyone, STAY STRONG !

Day 13 Today was a pretty quick day. Did my usual exercise. Over the past few days I've grown an unusual habit of watching mouse reviews. I don't even want to buy a mouse I'm just looking at the reviews to see what is best and why its the best. I guess I'm trying to find something gaming related, even it means just scraping the edge of the content about gaming. So yeah I need to get that sorted out. Pretty much spent half of today looking at mouse reviews. After finishing my binge watch I started having this mini panic attack. It was triggered by a video about schizophrenia i saw on youtube. I knew It was a bad idea but i watched it anyways. As you probably expected it made me think about a loop of do I have schizophrenia again. Those thoughts lead me thinking about my decisions through life. Lead me to think about the uncertainty im facing with the next year. And just overall caused a lot of stress. It's kind of crazy, like nothing is happening to you but you have these thoughts like your life already happened and your sad because it isn't what you want. Some of the thoughts I've been having (summary): I've made constant bad decisions in life I'll never find love My life is miserable and will stay that way I will go insane if not soon, then in a couple of years That I don't know how to love someone/something I'm a failure and I can never become better Like this is some big game and I'm the doll everyone is playing with Feelings that whatever I do it isn't worth it in the end Don't even feel like playing video games/watching porn, and a feeling that it doesn't even matter if I do/don't Now that I think of it, i feel like i've always had these thoughts. It's just that I set some sort of deadline till which i have to accomplish these things. And now it's all piling up and its becoming too much. The worst part is that it provokes more passivity than action. I think I need to go and find a psychiatrist as soon as tomorrow, because I feel like I'm gonna "blow". I'm not giving up. But I feel like this hole is becoming so big that I won't be able to get out of it. Have a nice day everyone, stay strong ?.

Day 12 Today I was called in for work in the morning to work 2nd shift. Work was pretty fine. I need like 120 euros still for vacation. So about a week, week and half of work still needed. There isn't much details to today, so ill talk about my thoughts and emotions. I had this dream recently, which was kind of weird, but im going to try and explain it as best I can because it felt so realistic. In this dream, I have this obligation to do a test of some sort. It's supposed to be a graduation test I think. So I'm in my home, and the school where im taking the exam is connected to my house with stairs. The school looks a lot like my primary school. First I go to my room where I see a bunch of people sitting, which represent my teachers. And then i go to the living room where I see my mom and dad sitting in the dark (its early morning). My mom is smoking cigarettes(she doesn't smoke) and my dad is watching tv. The room looked very scary so I quickly steped out and went "up the stairs" to school. There I see my primary school best friend, which i haven't really kept in touch with. We talked about how we liked this song called alive in my coffin by Jumex. So after that I go and take my exam. In the exam I need to play like 3 games of League of Legends and play the best I can to pass the exam. Btw im playing on some old monitor from the early 2000s, with the pc under the monitor. I also remember people around me taking different tests for stuff that they chose. My interpretation is good i think, but feel free to give your opinion. I think that the exam represents me wanting to prove that becoming a pro gamer is the way for me even though i want other things in life. I think it resonates with the song Alive in my coffin (like literally digging my grave). For the school and my house becoming one building, i think it means that I've just been living this simple life which involves my house and my school. With no actual exploration, like im trapped. For the teachers sitting in my room im not sure. They were all sitting in silence with dissapointed looks on their faces. I'm guessing it explains their disapproval with my habits. And for the living room and my parents I feel like it represents their collapse, them giving up on me and their lives. They didn't look like my parents exactly. They looked like someone i knew that i gravely dissapointed. So overall I think that I'm dissapointed in the way ive been going about my life and I'm sorry to everyone i let down. You never know what you had until its gone. I'm still lost and don't know where I'm going. I'm scared, more than ever before. I denied that I had a problem for many years, and that made it increasingly hard to deal with it now. But I know there's no turning back now. Because there's no happiness in going back. I have a long road ahead of me, but I have to come out victorious in the end, theres no other way. So yeah, there's still thoughts I'm trying to process ever since the big changes i made in my life. I can't understand them now, but over time I will learn, with the help of others and become a complete person. If you have any of your thoughts to share, feel free. And any questions as well. Thank you for reading ! Have a nice day.

Day 11 Today I felt full of energy. My mind was telling me not to exercise but i felt so much energy that i just had to. My confidence has been pretty good as well today. I didn't go out sadly. Everyone is out of town or unavailable. I wasn't too bothered by it though. My nephew came to my house so i enjoyed spending some time with him. We went to the river close to my home and just enjoyed the nature around there. Still no extreme withdrawal symptoms. I'm just preparing mentally for when it comes. Haven't gotten calls for jobs. I still need around 140 euros for vacation. I have like 12 days to make that sum. I'm not too worried because i can borrow money from my parents. But at the same time i wish i had no help at all, so i could build my work ethic. Anyways, im really stoked to go on vacation. I hope to progress significantly in social interactions. As for the rest of the night I plan on watching a movie, The first man. I'm looking to just chill out. That's all, have a good time everyone!

Day 10 Today has been pretty uninteresting. It was really hot and it was a pretty lazy day. I'm not sure if it was the day or just some withdrawal symptoms but my mood was pretty shit today. I had some moments when i thought of playing games or watching porn but I quickly dismissed those thoughts. It was pretty hard to do stuff today. Except for exercising I was pretty lazy. Spent most of my time watching tv. During the afternoon I went to my sisters place, because i was feeling kind of depressed and needed a change of scenery. Also, today and yesterday I felt constantly hungry. I'm not sure if I should be worried of my eating habits. It might be just because im exercising more, or maybe I'm replacing gaming with eating. What do you guys think? I haven't worked on copywriting all day. I'm not disappointed, but I'm scared my lazy habits will get me into gaming again. I want to justify it by it being too hot, but I also know i shouldn't justify laziness in the detox period. What i do want to do is go out with friends more. I didn't go out today, i think I just didn't want to come out as attacking. Because It's usually the same group of people that I invite out. I definitely will make plans for tomorrow, and hopefully i will go out. In unrelated news I found a bluetooth speaker while walking to my sisters place. It was just laying in the grass next to the road. It's working fine, it's some chinese brand that costs 15 euros but its better than nothing. I'll definitely bring it to vacation. So yeah, a pretty uneventful day. I feel like I'm getting side tracked, but I also don't feel like there's a need to pressure myself. What do you guys think?

Days 8-9 Didn't have time to post about my day yesterday. I got a call about a nightshift job in the warehouse i was working in previously. This is my first and last time ever doing a night shift. It's mentally really difficult to do, and i just cant handle it currently. I knew that it was gonna be a shitty night but i took it anyways since i need money to go on vacation. The shift goes from 11pm-5:30am. I was pretty scared that my anxiety would kick in and cause a problem due to lack of sleep. And it did around 1 or 2 pm. I felt dizzy all of a sudden and that i was gonna faint. I was thinking of taking some anxiety meds, but i said fuck it, it isnt going to fix my problems. I just kept telling my self it's because of lack of sleep and shortly after i went back to being ok. Although when i came home and went to sleep i needed to take some medication. I slept for about 2 or 3 hours and then i started to get these disassociated thoughts about work, kind of like a dream but i was awake. I was just so irritated that i couldn't sleep. So i took some medication in the end. I slept like a baby to like 5pm. I haven't planned an agenda for today because i was so tired so i've been just chilling. I watched some tv and listened to music, nothing special. I'm thinking of doing some exercise, but i think its best to do it in the morning. I will work on my copy, after writting this probably. I noticed I have a lot more thoughts about gaming today than previous days. I guess its just that im so drained that i want to relax with some games. I also have this bad habit of checking hltv.org a news site for CS:GO, so i need to stop doing this compulsively. As for yesterday I exercised, got call for the job and planned it all out. And after that i went out with friends. I'm starting to see some benefit in social situations from not playing games and watching porn. I felt more alive and overall more comfortable next to my friends. There's this girl from my group of friends that i had a crush on before. I felt really interested in her again, although i dont know if its because of increased sex drive because of NoFap or if its genuine interest. I also feel more comfortable in my skin. When i was in public yesterday I didn't get the usual feeling that i was no good. Instead i had positive feelings, like when people would look at me i thought they thought like hey this guy looks cool. Also when i would look at women, i felt like i wanted to get to know them, which is pretty cool, because i don't remember ever having this feeling. So these 2 days have been pretty good aside from the night shift. What i need to remember is dont be lazy. Because if i dont plan my day that might force me to think about video games. I need to invest more time in copywritting as well, because sooner or later my brain will want more mental activity. Have a good day/night everyone !

@TwoSidedLife I never was a fan of pot. I feel so brain dead on it. As for other drugs I did shrooms once. I fucking hated the experience. When i can't control something, like the trip i was experiencing i just get a bad case of uneasiness. I pretty much knew that i was gonna have a bad time, but i still tried it because my friend said it cured depression. Ha ha. I also did speed once combined with adrafinil (study drug). That shit was good. And for prescription drugs I did benzos just because i wanted to see what was the fuss about. Ironically i drink anxiety medication now from time to time for actual anxiety symptoms. Overall now that i look back using drugs was pretty dumb with no real benefit. I used them because i wanted to have a normal life free from all the bullshit. Shrooms might've fucked me mentally. Although im not sure if i actually think that or if its anxiety induced fear of past decisions. I don't want to be a cliche but dont do drugs kids. Don't be a smart ass and actually listen to your parents from time to time they know some stuff as well.

@TwoSidedLife Alright i guess i won't pressure myself too much. The reason i dont want to do me because im still the gaming me. And i won't see the benefits of a life outside of gaming without forcing myself to experience it, right? I'm trying to listen more and just be more connected when im around friends. Just learning to care overall. What drugs did you do? I had my time with drugs as well. I know about NoFap and im currently 10 days or so on it. I haven't noticed much benefits yet, but hopefully I'll have a helathier relationship with women in the future.

Day 7 Wow! What a day it's been. I did a lot of self reflecting today. A couple of hours ago i talked with a friend about my situation. He's also in a similar situation like me. He failed to get in to the university he wanted and has been occupied with a lot of anxiety. First of all he helped me to realize that i'm not alone, and that it's normal to feel worried after finishing school. Also down the strech of the conversation I realized how much I rejected love these past few years. I tried to be a smart-ass, know it all, which a lot of young people experience. I alienated myself so much from the people I love. On my search for belonging I became lonely. People aren't wrong when they say gratitude is the key to happiness. I think i feel real gratitude now. I feel like I was such a jack-ass to my family. They wanted to help me. To be a part of my life. But I just kept pushing them away. Anxiety+rapid change has made me realize that people are important in life. Loneliness will never bring you happiness. I feel like im finally making some progress in life. Big changes hit you like a truck man, didn't even expect this. I'm going to focus on making more connections with my family mainly, but also with my friends. If you want love you need to give some back. I'm ready to do that. Still haven't gotten a job ?. I'm really getting irritated man. My anxiety is getting worse because i have so much free time. I mean I'm trying to manage it the best I can with an agenda, but fuck some moments you just can't stop thinking about something. I'm trying to fill my time with activities such as exercise, learning copywritting and watching documentaries. I just hope i get a freaking job by the end of the week. I woke up with some existential dread. It's become usual these past couple of days. It bothered me during the first 2 or 3 hours i was awake. It made me think about whether I have schizophrenia again, and I also got worried that meditation fucked me over while I was doing it. You know, just standard axiety driven conspiracy theories against your self haha. Anyways, I exercised after that and my anxiety softened a bit. After that I watched a documentary about the history of earth. After a while worry got the best of me again. I kept compulsively checking my phone for symptoms of mental disorders. Fuck man, the brain can think of anything when its not occupied by a task. I got tired of all the worry, and decided i was gonna go to my sisters place and relax and just socialize with her and her husband. That was a nice stress reliever. We talked a bit about my anxiety and my day. I told them i was learning copywritting and they got really excited and supportive. I didn't even think they knew what it was. Anyways they told me that I could go to business school for that and really just supported the idea. I haven't decided yet whether this is gonna be my long term goal, but im gonna start saving up money. Bussiness school costs 600 euros, but i could also learn courses online which cost a bit less. We ended up watching a movie, it was called Rampage if anyone is interested, The Rock stars in it. And yeah, overall just a peacefull night. I came home after that and studied copy for a bit. I feel like I'm really starting to "grow up" and I'm really excited for what the future holds. Yeah, anxiety is still an issue but I won't let it bring me down. Life can be beautiful, if you truly want it to be. My current day to day goals are small, but they have been beneficial overall i think. Stay strong people, a good future awaits you

Commitment issues For as long as I know of myself I've had commitment issues. Which I think is the main problem with quitting gaming and progressing in any other instance. I overthink everything. I used to think that I could control my emotions very well, but recently i feel like its the opposite. I feel like my emotions have burdened me a lot in recent years. Just by writting this I'm overthinking. I've grown a lot of distrust with my thoughts and i feel like anything i do won't mean anything in the end. Maybe there was or still is a window in which I can still get on the right path. But i also feel like this was inevitable. I've always been the weird kid, atleast that's the impression i feel like im giving out. I've always tried to justify my ways, because i wanted it to work so badly. For an example I would try and become a pro in gaming. Or i'd ignore friends because i thought that relationships are meaningless. These past few days I've really started to regret my decisions during life. I feel like If i just listened to people more and stopped being a smart-ass things would be different now. Only now that I've finished highschool do i realize what kind of a jackass i was to my family and friends. Everyone believes im a nice guy and i think that as well. But I just didnt want to connect with anyone. Everyone was just like a toy to me. Now I seek people and social interaction more than ever. Which leads me to my next topic Current friends and social interaction So I need to start getting more social interaction. I have friends from school, but those are all the friends I have and they're mostly male as well. They usually talk about football, university or Serbian music for an example. I'm not really interested in those topics nor do i follow them. So how could I connect more with these friends? What are steps you guys used to connect more with your current friends? Making new friends So I don't think making new friends is a necessarily a problem for me. When i was working last week i met 5 people there. We would joke around or talk about school. The thing is i want to make friends that i can be good friends with and who i can consistently go out with. I also need to make friends with women because i hang out with very few women and usually don't know what to talk about with them. So how did you guys meet new long term friends and make connection in your relationships? If you got to here, thanks you. It really means a lot to me ?.

Thanks to everone who replied. These tips are very useful and I will definitely apply them in the future. ?

@katsudo19 Wow thanks a lot. I will read into this in the morning. Just praying it all works out in the end ?

Thank you. It means a lot to me when even one person replies to my posts. It reminds me I'm not alone.

Day 6 First of all before i talk about my day i wanted to ask @Cam Adair and the rest of the forum about @Schwing. I see he doesn't post on here anymore. I read a few sentences of his last few posts and they seemed really dark. So is he okay? Please don't tell me he committed suicide or hurt himself. Anyways, my day has been pretty productive. I followed through my agenda and i am satisfied. In the morning I went to the bureau for employment and i need to come in september for available jobs. That sucks a bit, but in the meantime i will actively search for a job. Today i didn't let my anxiety get the better of me. I exercised and it really reminded me how good it feels to just be more active physically. It also gave me confidence that there's good times ahead. After exercising I applied for jobs for 30 mins online and then studied copywritting. I started learning copy in may but because of anxiety i haven't gotten back to it until now. I'm not sure copywritting/online bussiness is what i want to do in life but its nice to have a goal to work towards. Overall im really happy with how the day went. I feel like im starting to break out of my shell and gaining some much needed confidence. I'm going to make an agenda for tomorrow and watch a documentary. Have a nice night/day everyone. Were all gonna make through this just trust in the process.

Thanks for the support. It's much easier to comprehend your thoughts when you write them down. So if ever need to vent I'll write in my journal

Thanks for the advice! It feels more like a panic attack when it happens. I usually think about how my life isn't progressing, how I am broken and can't be fixed. That all usually leads to me thinking I have schizophrenia or something of the same severity. The therapist im supossed to go to is off work till the 23rd, but i wont be able to go until the beginning of august. This anxiety really worries me sometimes, maybe i should find another therapist in the meantime. It's been happening ever since i finished highschool. I guess i feel like a failure or something like that. I could go into detail, but i don't think you want to be my therapist lmao.

My anxiety is more severe ever since i quit gaming. Before I used gaming to deal with that anxiety, to make it go away. I'm gonna exercise when i get home, so hopefully that will help. What are your guys' ways to deal with anxiety? Please, anything is welcome.

Thank you. Your support means a lot!

Days 1-5 Hello everyone, To get to know my thoughts better you can read the post bellow. Quitting gaming has been a lot harder this time around. I've grown emotionally attached to them and it has really impacted me these past 5 days. I've had a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm just hoping it will be easier in a couple of days. I've started to read respawn again, since i don't remember everything exactly from 2 years ago. So from thursday to Saturday I was working a part time job in a warehouse and it really helped me get through the day a little bit easier. In fact i decided to quit games again because I was so stressed out about having to work, when i just wanted to play video games. Anyways, i really enjoyed working. It's not a job i'd do long term but for my first 3 work days it was great. When I wasn't at work I would rest at home listening to music or watching tv. I was also contemplating a lot about where my life was going. Ever since finishing highschool I feel like im losing control. I get these anxiety attacks because i fear everything could fall apart in an instant and that I would die and nobody would remember me. I'm guessing its extra pressure i'm feeling since my friends are all going to university while I look like an idiot for pausing for 1 year. Hopefully I will be able to resolve these issues once i start going to the therapist. I'm just hoping It's not going to be anything serious, that's going to permanently impact my mental health. Sunday I had some work to do aswell. I helped my brother with renovating his work place. Later that day I finally decided to go out with my highschool friends. I needed some social interaction. That night out was kind of a learning experience. I didn't talk much, they asked me some questions about work, but for the most part I listened to what they were talking about. I didn't really have anything to talk about, it would either be about work or gaming (which nobody in this group is interested in). They talked mostly about football. I never was really a fan of it. I might start watching a bit now that I need new interests. I felt a bit discouraged at one point, I wanted to go back to gaming because i had nothing in common with these people. I accepted the feeling and knew it was going to be a learning proccess. So yeah overall I feel like that week was pretty productive. Today though was really fucking tough. I had multiple cravings to watch porn and to play video games, but I somehow managed. Sadly I didn't have work today since it was only a part time job and i need to wait to get another one. So yeah my day was pretty empty. I mostly read respawn and mindlessly browsed the internet. My sister was kind of a savior because she invited me to her home to hang out. That was pretty nice, i got out of my skin and just relaxed. Overall i think I think this past month has been the hardest in my whole life. But I feel like If I don't quit now I will never be able to quit and become a man. I feel like I might be going crazy aswell, but that's for the therapist to decide. Tomorrow I will be going to the bureau for employment to try and get a job. I also need to make an agenda for tomorrow, because my day will be pretty empty again with no work. Those are my past couple of days people. I hope you enjoyed the read and will support me on this journey to becoming a better person. Thank you Cam and thanks to this forum, I would still be playing, If i didn't have your support.

Hello everyone, I'm Nenad. Some of you might remember me from 1-2 years ago. I have been struggling with gaming and life in general for the past 5 years. I'm back to the forum again since my life has hit a critical point. I have had anxiety and panic attacks ever since I finished highschool. Before, during the end of highschool I felt as though i was improving and had barely played games. But anxiety has made me retreat back into my shell and for the past month I've been playing video games for 10+ hours a day. Life has become increasingly difficult mentally in the past 2 months. What i thought was a small problem during highschool has brought up my biggest fears. I don't think its only gaming, but its a big part of the problem. I'm going to start seeing a therapist in a months time, because i really need help and just can't be sure with my thoughts anymore. One of the upsides are that my mom and siblings have accepted that i have a problem and want to help. That's what i think is keeping me going mostly. I have decided to pause 1 year before I go to university. In the meantime I'll be working jobs full time and part time. For the next year I hope to get my life to a desirable point and start living to the fullest. I'll try my best to post daily journals on here so I can keep my self accountable to the end goal. I truly hope that with the support of my family and a therapist I will be able to get my life on track. So yeah, life is still fucked and I'm back here for the x time.

Wow! You were really serious back then about games