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jatinverma31

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  1. Thanks for your response. I took some time to think about it. I even played hollow knight for 1 hour to find out what's pulling me towards it. It was starting to become some mysterious source of pleasure in my head that I can't get. But this time I started a new save file, and played through the parts I have already played. Aaand I didn't enjoyed the game as much as I did it the first time. Yes, the visuals, music, controls and everything combined together was satisfying, but even after starting a new save file I couldn't experience it like I did it for the first time. I realised I enjoyed this game so much in my first try because I had no idea what I was getting into, and most of the time I was lost and had no idea of patterns, but with time and persistence I figured things out. I learned patterns of enemies. I was lost most of the time, but still I managed to find my way, and it was the 'figuring out' part that I had loved most. When I played the game this time I knew where to go, and what to expect. In just 1 hour I did the amount of things that had took me almost 5 hours in my first try. So I have decided. I can experience being lost in hallownest kingdom once these 90 days are over. As you said, I don't want to feed the addiction. And if I can't stop playing then I'm certainly addicted. That's why I have decided to face these urges, and work towards my life. And for hollow knight, you don't rush through the beautiful experiences like these. Also, I'm already starting to come to terms with normal pace of life.
  2. Relapsed after 4 successful days. A short one. Only played for 15 min BS on my phone, but still, a relapse. Good thing I picked myself back up before going in a long gaming session. That way I could have ended up feeling miserable and playing for some more days. Just before I decided to quit gaming I had played hollow knight first time in my life. I have played it for only 12 hours, but I still keep thinking about it almost all the time. No matter what I'm doing I think about playing it. I'm controlling myself, and tell myself that I'm quitting games because they have this uncontrollable effect on me, but it's ridiculous. I am thinking that I may play and finish this game first, and then go on a 90 days detox. I know it sounds like a absolute bad idea, but this games is driving me nuts from last 2 weeks. What do you say? Please tell me something. The urges are really high.
  3. Well, I would love to do a job, but I can't find a job that I would like. I had a chance recently but I couldn't get that job because I had to study for my exams. I just have to wait for next opportunity for now. I played the game BombSquad on my phone today. I did it impulsively. I came back to my home in afternoon, and as soon as I took out my phone I downloaded BombSquad. I did it instantly and my mind gave no resistance. It's weird how I forget everything sometimes. I'm trying to come to this forum whenever i feel the irge to play games as this forum is helping me to be clear in those moments. Also, I'm noticing that I'm not just addicted to games, but I have this bad habit of keeping myself busy with activities that stops me from thinking or being bored. I would do anything, use internet mindlessly, listen music, or anything with my devices that allows me to keep my mind shut. I know a bad habit, but I can use this to my advantage. I'll allow myself to do activities that will allow me to not think about anything else and activities that are good for me in some way at the same time.
  4. Thanks for helpful advice. If I talk about what I did last week, well I played games for some time. I couldn't handle those thoughts any longer then, but I'm back at it, and with even better understanding of my thoughts, I believe. This time I'm not seeing games as evil, because this week I had positive experience with gaming. I'm doing 90 break because I can't control myself from playing them. I'm hooked. There are some good games, but they are of no use to me if they stop me from becoming who I would love to be. Also, the thing you said about keeping my hands busy is very important to me, because I'm addicted to pressing keys, and expecting some kind of feedback when I move my fingers. In games, when I press buttons my player does movements, kills enemies and there is instant sound. I feel addicted to this instant feedback, and when taken away I really feel like moving my fingers and expecting to something happen. Sounds dumb but it's true in my case. That's why I impulsively download games on my phone, because I want something to happen, anything, whether I like it or not. That's why I like typing with vibration on on my phone. Unfortunately i can't go outside for long periods of time, not even at library. Btw where I live there are only small study zones, or small library with books that students read to help them prepare for common exams. No books of my interest. But the reason I can't go library is that I don't wanna ask my parents for any additional money. I'm glad they are paying my uni fees. I'm gonna work on finding new hobbies, and hopefully I'll find one soon. Though I can't think of many options right now, but I'll do what you said and start with searching for them on google. It feels scary to think about doing something that doesn't involve screens. It really does, my heart knows.
  5. So I have been having many urges, and I'm noticing how I find myself unable to think clearly for to what to do. At the same time, I tried thinking about the games, and I was surprised how clearly I was able to think. If I thought about playing the game, I could visualise to to great extent, I was even imagining enemies and what they were doing. I was coming up with strategies to use in games. And when I tried to think about doing something else to make the urge go away, headache. I have found that leaving the environment helps a lot, so I have been trying to leave my room, but I also hesitate with it because I'll eventually come back after 10-15 min to same environment and I start feeling those same urges. It's not like I can throw my PC, or smash my phone, which I really wanna do at this point.
  6. Woah! I put my phone away to sleep and I realised I still have the headache. It hurts physically.
  7. It was my second day without it. In afternoon I went crazy. I couldn't think properly. I kept thinking about playing hollow knight and black flag. I haven't played those games much, but somehow i still kept thinking about them. So I decided I would sleep, and I kept laying at my bed, and I was unable to sleep the whole time. After 2 hours I got up and thought of watching an episode of wire since I wasn't in the mood of focusing and was feeling very irritated, so i thought it would be a good idea to not study, as it could lead me to go more crazy. But I couldn't watch it, I just didn't felt like it. So I closed my pc and got back to laying on my bed again. I didn't even went outside because it was hot outside. In evening things started to feel a little better when I went outside. Also I listened to some music and it made me feel better. I have realised music can be helpful as it eases my mood, but yeah, I have to be careful what I listen to. I played super mario galaxy soundtracks a little and that made me want to play the game just because the soundtrack is so great. That can be a trigger which I should avoid for some days. I still feel butterflies in my stomach thinking about tomorrow's afternoon. I am not sure what I'll do. I want to study more but im afternoons I just can't. Also I forgot to mention I had a headache almost all the time today, and was in bad mood mostly. This is brain fog. I have felt like this before when I have tried to quit games. When I'm like this I can't find things to do, and can't think of reasons to do anything. I just try to find escape from my real life. I hope it'll pass. This is kinda fun to be honest.
  8. Well, I couldn't do it. I start again from tomorrow. Going to sleep now. Hopefully I'll do it this time.
  9. Going on a 2 days digital detox to start these 90 days. I think it's important as it will allow me to slow down without getting sucked into anything else, like browsing internet for other mindless stuff. These 2 days I'll not use screens for any kind of entertainment. Not even for listening songs. No reading books either. I can only use screens for studying, and anything else that's absolutely essential. If I want to search something that's important but can wait, then I'll write it down, and search it in the evening. This digital detox ends on Sunday.
  10. I'm doing a 90 day detox from gaming, and I'm hoping that after these 90 days I'll have better understanding of gaming addiction, and after these 90 days I'll make the decision of whether to quit games forever, or try to game in moderation. There are some single player games that right now I feel I would like to complete. Let's see if I feel the same after 90 days. In these 90 days I'll not play games, and will not read or watch anything game related. Not on yt, reddit, no more browsing news for gaming, or reading reviews. I will not talk with my cousin about gaming who talks about gaming, and will not go to his home to play games. Sounds easy, let's see if I can pull this off. Ah! and yes, I am hoping that after these 90 days I'll have found new activities to do, because right now I have nothing else to do after taking out gaming from my life.
  11. Thank you very much. I will keep trying. Today I'm starting a strict 90 days break from everything game related. I even changed my OS to linux so I can't game conveniently. Also, I have disabled YT recommendations on browser using extension, and I never browse yt recommendations on my phone. Everything's set for 90 days, all I have to do is not to install steam or games on my phone again. And most importantly I will start studying now. I have made a goal of studying atleast 5 min a day that I hope to follow these 90 days. Something to get started with my studies. It's very important and currently my studying habit is messed up. And I also think that I'll have to find a hobby, because if I take out gaming from my life then there's very little left right now, if not 'nothing'. So much empty time to fill with something, something I don't know. I currently have no idea for a hobby, but I'm hoping I'll find it with time. When I'll get bored I'll be trying new things for sure. Oh, and yes I will make efforts from myself to try new activities. Thanks for your kind words. I feel better now.
  12. Thank you. I have already watched a few videos from this channel. Really good stuff. I still have some videos that I want to watch from this channel, and I'll watch them next time I'll watching YT in my free time, or when I feel urge to play games. Thanks 🙂
  13. 6th day without games. 7th day today. I had been watching game related videos on yt though, but mostly about addiction. I also spent some time reading gaming reviews, and I will not it today (and then tomorrow). I have urges to play games. I keep thinking about playing batman games. One of my cousin showed it to me, and then I also watched the gameplay on yt. But no, I won't play it. It's better to resist than making my life mess by starting again.
  14. Oh yes, I have had (and still do) these kinds of feelings. When I am actually being bored, then I mostly always don't feel anything bad. I remember a few times I was being bored (though that has become a rare occasion in my life from some time), and I felt quite normal at that time. I had accepted that I couldn't use my phone or computer, and I was just laying there, watching the ceiling. Thinking random stuff. But when I start thinking about my gaming addiction, and I try to prepare for future cravings then I feel a bit of fear in my heart about any situation that could throw me back into gaming, including boredom. I worry about what I would in that situation, and whether I would make the right choice. Nowadays I don't think about it that much, I am learning to deal with things as they come, since I can't anticipate everything anyways, no matter how careful I am. So, yeah, my heart no longer skips a beat thinking about boredom after accepting this fact.
  15. Hello! Call me jatinverma31. I had games in my life since my childhood, and I got addicted to them around 2016. Before that I was able to live without them, and they didn't really pulled me towards them. But in 2016 my life changed. I was not doing good in schools. I was thinking that I would fail a class for the first time, I was very suicidal. And in that period games provided me escape, and as time passed I understood dying is probably not a good idea. I didn't stopped playing games though. My addiction started with playing online games on my phone, and when I got my PC I started playing on that. If I take an average of last 6 years, it would be around 5-6 hours. And that's just average, on some days I played 15-16 hours a day when I felt like I was gonna die by playing. Games I was addicted to were BombSquad and Call of Duty. I quit the latter a year ago, but I still find myself having problems with the first one, maybe because it's of only 60 mB, and I can download it on my phone anytime and start playing. There's very little resistance in the whole process. And with new PC, I started searching for new games, and even searching for games became my addiction. For the first 2 month after I got my PC, I didn't actually played them I just searched about them, watching videos, and browsing reviews and different opinions on them. And yeah, I also got addicted to gaming on my PC, not to any one game in particular, but whenever I started any new game, I just couldn't moderate and would not stop for days until I finished them. I have realized gaming mainly provides my escape to my real life problems, and a sense of accomplishment. As I am not doing good in my studies, gaming makes me forget about those issues. But if I keep gaming then I will never do good in my studies, and I don't want that. I have understood that 6 years of addiction is not a joke. Lying and hiding to the people around me, I don't want that. I never expected I would be dishonest to the close people around me but that's what I am today. Avoiding my friends and family and responsibilities, just so that I can play something, or watch or read about a game. I am not even living, and I have tried moderation already many times. Trying that from 2-3 years now. Never worked. I truly believe there are games that are truly a form of art, and I would love to experience them. I have played few games like that myself, and I know a long list of games that I would love to play and experience, but I can't moderate. I have realized that the notion, "once an addict, always an addict" is true for me. And no matter how much I try to moderate, by moderating I will only be fighting with my cravings of playing more and more. That's why I quit. I know it will be difficult and I will not be able to show myself as a person who knows a lot about games, and I won't be playing games when I visit someone's home now, but it's for my own good. Gaming once stopped my from suicide, but if I don't stop gaming now, it may soon lead me to it. I can feel it coming in a few months if I don't stop.