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Everything posted by Georg

  1. DAY # - 0 (1 Jun) / 18 clean Time I woke up: 11:00 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 02:30 Physical task: no Mental task: no Projects: work, theatre Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I've realised I need a therapist and I've sent an application to get an appointment with the one I've chosen for computer addiction. ~ I've performed well today. ~ I've done a translation of a scheme fast. ~ I've had great sex with my wife. Summary of Day #: SHIT. I am just getting lower and lower. I've played today. This fucking on-line game. I've relapsed at night too (PMO). I am fucking addicted as hell to internet and computer in general. I don't know what the fuck to do. Since my job is so heavily connected to staying online, I need to think of some fucking stupid think not to like this anymore - sitting in front of the screen. I haven't slept at all today and I still need to walk my dog. FUCK. I hate my behavior, when I do stuff like that. It just SUCKS. Big time. At least I hope I am getting therapy soon. This has to fucking stop. What I am grateful for today: ~ My wife. ~ Theatre. ~ Audince. ~ Therapists. Over and out!
  2. DAY # - 17 (May 30th) Time I woke up: 10:40 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 2:30 Physical task: 1 hour walk at night at the park with my dog Mental task: deep talking with myself about my future Projects: Admission Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I've finally realised what is important for me in work: travel and other cultures, communication with people, artistic creativity and financial security ~ I've started a mindmap of all options available to me in terms of getting state-covered second higher education in the field of directing ~ I've contacted a couple of people asking for help in terms of getting the required literature ~ I've created a letter for work ~ I've remained loving attitude towards my wife despite personal struggles Summary of Day #: It was in fact a really bad day that got me to a much better place in life. I hit a certain low once again. I've masturbated today, but I haven't played a game since my decision 17 days ago. This feels great in itself. As for why the day was shitty: I've spent about 10 to 12 hours watching Youtube. And that PMO. And all of that when I have a shit ton of work to do (still do, btw). Why the day was great: I've had a good talking session with myself (recorded it on mic too), during which I realised that the main source of my dissatisfaction in life is in me not striving for something I truly love and want to achieve. So, I embarked on a journey to find out what that is for me and help myself get it. Right now I am very seriously considering getting a second degree in Directing (be it theatre or cinema - whatever works). What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for the fact that I can get my education free of charge. ~ I am grateful for my wife always supporting me when I need it. ~ I am grateful for my job that pays all kinds of my bills. ~ I am grateful for having a good flat with food and water in it. Over and out!
  3. Порно и игры. При чем там знак между ними - больше или равно. Если я не играю - я смотрю порно. Если я играю - я могу не смотреть порно, но обычно рано поздно я все равно это делаю. Из этих двух зависимостей... все-таки игры появились раньше, хотя и не сильно. Да и потом, в любом случае инстинкт размножаться сильнее всех остальных инстинктов. Это я к чему: в любом случае хуёво будет от этих зависимостей. Но заметил одну вещь - бросаю порно, начинается просто ломка по играм. Бросаю игры - ломка по порно. Таким образом, можно сделать вывод, что мозг требует не просто того или другого, а он требует именно удар дофамина по системе. Я просто дофаминовозависимый жестко сидящий на порно и играх в основном. И это мало что может заменить. Я думаю о **** и дофамин просто пипец взрывается в голове, я это ощущаю физически. Я думаю об игре - особенно он-лайн, и особенно об одной конкретной - и то же самое. Особенно о ТОЙ САМОЙ. Ну, кстати и в области порно есть ТА САМАЯ, открыв которую, я уже точно не смогу остановиться. И вот прямо сейчас, конечно, думая об этом обо всем, очень хочется пустить в это сумасшешдшее плавание, где нет никаких правил, и я чувствую абсолютную власть в том, как я себя разрушаю, но при этом в моей фантазии - я бог, потому что я добился самой крутой самки, которую могу себе представить + если доабвить игры в мик, то я еще и получаю плюсики в области: 1) я развиваюсь; 2) я общаюсь с людьми; 3) я добиваюсь целей. Ну, короче, жопа. Полная западня, выбраться отсюда хер знает как. Работая над внутренним своим гавном, вычищать авгиевы конюшни. Большой шанс, что сегодня сорвусь либо на одном, либо на другом. Но по крайней мере я понимаю, что это просто зависимость и не более. По крайней мере это...
  4. DAY # - 10 Time I woke up: 6:30 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 1:30 Physical task: -- Mental task: -- Projects: K Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ We've signed an important document during negotiations. ~ I've sent a work e-mail I was putting of yesterday. ~ I've dressed well. Summary of Day #: Past two days I've been in a business trip. Today is the end of the second one and tomorrow I'm leaving to come back home. Being on a business trip really gave me strong urges for some kind of sexual adventure - bare with me here, this is at first gonna be related to sexual desire, but then I'll talk about why it's important in terms of gaming - so, these sexual desires have been connected with (in the following order): 1) having sex with a hooker; 2) watching porn as if fantasising about cheating. Since my ass is too lazy to do something and I don't have time to search for an actual hooker, and also I'm a married man (God!) - oh, well, fuck it. These thought make feel even more ashamed, because this is sinful (even though I am not religious it is strongly embedded in me that cheating is wrong yet so desirable). Well, anyway, long story short I've relapsed a lot during these two days on NoFap, but today I've decided this needs to stop and now I am once again taking what's left of me internally and doing my best to fight the new drug... SO, as I said, this is where gaming comes in. You see, for some reason after a hard day of work here I feel really stressed out. And I want to get that hit of dopamine that my brain is used to. And, being an addict, the hit must be pretty strong to take effect. That's why... oh, well, I suppose I just don't try anything else at all. I have a book with me but I haven't once opened and read it. The weather is great outside but I stay in the hotel room all the free time I have (opting out of working outside when I can). Why? Who the fuck knows. I'd say, because I don't take responsibility for myself in these matter. For some reason I do not take care after myself. There must be some kind of deep feeling regaridng that but I am certain I am running away from it like hell. And the feeling is something along the line of "am I selling my soul for the corporate career because I just can't find any better way to earn decent money on what I'd love doing for a living"? Jesus, even that question makes me anxious, but that's only the tip of the iceberg, I know for sure. ANYWAY, there's a high change I'm going to game very soon, because the urge is really fucking strong after quitting porn. I need that dopamine hit, and I'm not sure I am going to make it through, to be honest with you. I am really urged right now, but I still could meditate and go to sleep. What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for the money I make. ~ I am grateful for people who provide service in this country. ~ I am grateful for my colleagues. ~ I am grateful for being able to go abroad. Over and out!
  5. DAY # - 5 Time I woke up: 9:00 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 1:30 Physical task: 7 min of yoga Mental task: 10 min of shavasana Projects: Work, Home Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I've finished first draft of the contract at work. ~ I've reached out to two people who I need to reach out to despite anxiety. ~ I've read a book a little as a means to get down to work. Summary of Day #: This is pretty late into the night. I feel the urges coming on. That's because I have a big project ahead of me and when I have a big project ahead of me (especially with tight deadlines) I always tend to look for ways to avoid doing it (thus making it all even worse). And so I enter this cursed cycle of procrastinating and then wanting to procrastinate even more, because things don't get better on their own - obviously. So I've spent a good deal of time today watching porn and eventually relapsed. I know this is not the point for the journal, but it does matter, because watching porn when I'm quitting gaming is always a precursor to a) start watching gaming videos again, which is in itself a precursor to playing them. Also, a dangerous thing are web-based flash games which can lead to me playing again. A thought has just occurred in my head, that I could potentially open up my other laptop and lunch a gamer I like... but that would be counter-productive to the big goal I am working towards. I don't feel like I have the power to stay through the night, honestly. I want to sleep REALLY hard. So, this is what I'll do: at first I will go and procrastinate productively - i.e. do something I like doing instead of work. If I succeed in this I will then seamlessly transition to work. If it still doesn't help, then I'll go to sleep. Since I need to focus, I think that reading will be a great thing to do right now. What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for my wife. ~ I am grateful for people who can think and who still live in this country. ~ I am grateful for all the hardships that come my way. ~ I am grateful for my natural tendency to sleep to rest. Over and out!
  6. DAY # - 4 Time I woke up: 9:30 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 4:30 Physical task: -- Mental task: -- Projects: Work, Repairs Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I've spent at least 5 to 6 hours working productavely. ~ I've finally fixed the water problem in the kitchen. ~ I've walked for at least 30 min twice. ~ I've talked to my dad for at least 30 min. ~ I've responded to a friend of mine who have been long waiting. Summary of Day #: This was a very intense day. I've worked a lot, I've listen to a lot of new material. I think there was an hour or so which I've lost to watching porn. Fortunately, my wife came home and it was easy to stop without relapsing. I know this is not a No-Fap journal, but I think this is the only thing that really got me down yesterday. Other than that it was a great day. Also, I've just realised that it's only Day 4 but it feels like a whole week already... What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for having a good repair-man. ~ I am grateful for my wife. ~ I am grateful that dad is alive. ~ I am grateful that there are new prospects for me. Over and out!
  7. Awesome! Thanks for reminding that I most definitely have to read "Atomic Habits". I'm really glad you've found that link useful! And I believe you have all the things necessary to get your routines and environment right. The path is set, keep going!
  8. DAY # - 2 Time I woke up: 8:00 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 1:30 Physical task: Yoga 7 min Mental task: Meditation 10 min Projects: Theatre, Dating Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I've woke up a good chunk of time before I had to start my working day and thus I've spent a good deal of time with myself in the morning ~ I've performed in one of my favourite shows at theatre ~ I've had a great date with wife ~ I've enjoyed nature while staying in town ~ I've read a few chapter of Harry Potter Summary of Day #: It was a great day, really. One of the best for a while. I've been listening to a lot of new information lately, I've let myself explore my ENFP side of desiring to learn new things all at once. I've communicated with people a lot, I've spent very little time in front of screens. The weather was great, I'm starting to feel the summer coming on. What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for my wife. ~ I am grateful for living in modern city with access to nature. ~ I am grateful for the opportunity to perform on stage as an actor. ~ I am grateful for learning more and more about myself daily. Over and out!
  9. Hey, Max! Keep it up. I think what you’ve already written down shows the progress you’ve been making so far. This path is not a straight road to success but rather a series of victories AND failures. I suppose the best we can do is learn to accept both as equally important and in some way desired. What I can recommend is learning how your motivation works, because as I recently learnt there’s no such thing as a lazy person, but rather wrong conditions for motivation to thrive. I think there are different ways one can learn about what works for him best, personally for me what has been a great deal of help recently is MBTI system, I recommend you look it up!
  10. Макс, привет! Взаимно рад знакомству! Активизируется жизнь — видимо, время такое, что очень уж тянет сюда нас. Хотя для меня это чистая случайность — просто пришла пора именно сейчас разобраться с этой частью своей жизни. Но, «случайности не случайны», как говорят. Будем знакомы)
  11. DAY # - 1 Time I woke up: 12:00 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 04:30 Physical task: Yoga 7 min Mental task: Meditation 10 min Projects: — Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I’ve taken care of myself before I’ve started doing anything else during the day ~ I’ve let my interest run wild allowing it to listen to a podcast, listen to some music, look through a book on Budapest, read a chapter from a book on sayings, etc. ~ I’ve spent a good evening with my friends and my wife ~ ~ Summary of Day #: I’ve had a great day emotionally. I am a bit upset I couldn’t do work today. Sometimes I wish I just had more time. Social connections are important, but so is work. And sometimes I am much more keen to spend time with friends than to do work. What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for my wife. ~ I am grateful for my friend V. and his mom G. ~ I am grateful for my theatre. ~ I am grateful to my mom for giving me life. Over and out!
  12. День 0 был отличный. Я часто чувствую себя на подъёме, когда что-то начинаю. А. и К. сообщили, что у них будет ребёнок. Лучшая новость, которую можно получить сейчас… Здесь буду писать, наверно, пореже, чем в основном дневнике, дабы не перегореть. Может, 1-2 раза в неделю. И, наверно, скорей в формате дневника, а не отчета, как предполагал выше. Отчёт будет in English, а здесь — свои мысли, на родном языке. То, что от сердца. Поскорей бы мир.
  13. DAY # - 0 Time I woke up: 9:30 Time I went to sleep yesterday: 2:30 Physical task: — Mental task: — Projects: — Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ I’ve started this journal ~ I’ve found a great channel on ENFPs and have learned a great deal about myself ~ I’ve gone to a friends’ gathering and had a great time there ~ I’ve walked the dog twice for at least 30 min ~ I’ve washed all the dishes before going to bed Summary of Day #: The day was great for me. It started with me being addicted and ended with me feeling connected. It is in my nature to be excited about a start of any project. I also found a great resource that will definitely help me understand myself better, and that has inspired me a lot. Also, A. and K. told us they are going have a child, and that’s just amazing. Just what is needed during these trying times. What I am grateful for today: ~ I am grateful for people who run Game Quitters. ~ I am grateful for my wife. ~ I am grateful for my dog (and for the fact that she is finally having her period again). ~ I am grateful for having access to foreign education. Over and out!
  14. Форма на каждый день: День # - Проснулся: Лёг спать (вчера): Физическая задача: Ментальная задача: Проекты: Другие достижения: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ День в общем #: Благодарности дня: ~ ~ ~ ~ Всем мира!
  15. Hey guys! The link to my introduction. I'll start off by using one of the provided templates (posting it below so I don't have to search up later). DAY # - Time I woke up: Time I went to sleep yesterday: Physical task: Walk the dog Mental task: Meditate Projects: Dari Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Summary of Day #: What I am grateful for today: ~ ~ ~ ~ Over and out!
  16. Всем привет! Я рад стать частью этого сообщества - решил перепостить свой приветственный пост сюда, дабы закрепить начало начал. Пост переводной с моими правками, так что sorry, если где-то мысль составлена не по-русски. Поехали! *** Да, в этом дневнике может встречаться мат, потому что мне важно иногда как следует выругаться, особенно, если я чем-то расстроен. *** Мне 29 лет. Я работаю удаленно в качестве юрисконсульта и время от времени играю профессионально в театре. Возможно это, поскольку моё первое образование - в области международного права, а дополнительное - в области актерского мастерства (играю в проф. театре уже 9 лет). А ещё я недавно женился на женщине, которую люблю, с которой мы вместе уже почти 3 года. Это мой второй брак, и я чувствую, что он будет последним. Если кто–нибудь из вас знаком с системой Майерса-Бриггса, я - ENFP (в соционике "Гексли"). Это означает, что я склонен пробовать много вещей одновременно, но едва ли заканчиваю что-либо из начатого. Пишу об этом, потому что у меня много увлечений, и все они пострадали из-за моего игрового расстройства. Наиболее выделяющиеся из них: бег, езда на велосипеде, медитация, пешие прогулки, фортепиано. Но в моем идеальном образе жизни есть также место для тренажерного зала, боевых искусств, катания на сноуборде, пения и танцев. И это ещё я пытаюсь быть разумным. Как я уже сказал, игры оказали огромное влияние на мою жизнь. Я пристрастился примерно со 2-го класса, а это значит, что мне было 7 или 8 лет. Я думаю, что предвестником этого было мое пристрастие к просмотру телевизора, который я часто смотрел в детстве, когда оставался один (мои родители развелись, а маме приходилось много работать). Во 2-м классе мне подарили Playstation, и именно тогда все это началось (хотя в то время никто не мог знать). У меня самые теплые воспоминания об игре в PS1 с моим другом, но я бы хотел, чтобы мы вообще никогда этого не делали, так как все это время можно было бы потратить на изучение полезных навыков или игру во что-то значимое вместо этого (типа футбола или баскетбола. например). Но, мы ведь были просто детьми, которые делали все возможное, чтобы повеселиться, несмотря на ограничения и усилия родителей заставить нас полюбить выходить на улицу. В 5 или 6 классе (что означает около 13 лет) мне подарили компьютер с подключением к Интернету. Именно тогда и порно вошло в мою жизнь, но это совсем другая история. Я просто напишу здесь, что для меня порно и игры всю жизнь шли рука об руку, два самых больших дьявола в моей жизни. Итак, я играю в видеоигры уже 20 лет. Бля... Двадцать, сука, лет. Я хотел бы, чтобы у меня было хобби, которым я занимался уже 20 лет, которое, я полагаю, сделало бы мою жизнь намного лучше и приятнее. Что ж, слава богу, по крайней мере, у меня есть театр. Что мне кажется забавным, так это то, что с точки зрения игр я никогда не покидал ту эпоху, в которой я играл больше всего - поскольку у меня никогда не было современного игрового ПК или консоли, я всегда возвращался к играм прошлого, в основном к тем играм, которые я уже знал. Итак, каждый раз, когда у меня случается рецидив, я обычно играю в один и тот же список игр, в которые играл всю свою жизнь. При этом я в курсе того, что выходит на рынок с точки зрения новых игр. И это тоже часть моей зависимости - смотреть новые игры на Youtube и фантазировать, как я сам в них играю. Что хуже всего для меня в видеоиграх, так это то, что, несмотря на то, что у меня есть работа, семья и даже профессиональное хобби (актерское мастерство), мне все равно удается нездоровым образом убегать в видеоигры - в ущерб моей реальной жизни. На самом деле даже этот пост я пишу тогда, когда должен работать - оправдывая это тем, что по крайней мере - это не игра, и для меня это очень важно, так как на этот раз я действительно хочу перестать играть навсегда. Так что это пойдет на пользу моей работе в целом. С другой стороны, я горжусь тем фактом, что преодолел свою зависимость от: а) травки; б) никотина; в) алкоголя. Это означает, что я больше не курю ничего и не употребляю алкоголь. Я понимаю, что зависимость от игр, порнографии и социальных сетей - это 3 пристрастия, оставшиеся в моей жизни, с которыми нужно бороться. Итак, игры - следующие в списке. Самое время мне повзрослеть и научиться делать своего внутреннего ребенка счастливым, не ухудшая при этом свою жизнь. Я хочу стать хорошей частью этого сообщества и помогать, когда смогу. Но я думаю, что прямо сейчас самой большой помощью для всех было бы разобраться в себе, чтобы я мог стать лучшей версией себя и действительно иметь что-то, что я могу подарить миру. Пока я чувствую, что у меня этого мало, несмотря на все хорошее, чего я добился в жизни. Я думаю, это в основном связано с тем фактом, что у меня так много амбиций, но я никогда не предпринимаю шагов, чтобы их достичь. Я думаю, что это главная причина, по которой я это делаю - я хочу вырваться на свободу и стать тем человеком, которым, как я верю, я могу быть. Спасибо, что дочитали до конца, и увидимся на форумах.
  17. Hey, guys! I'm glad to become part of this community. I am 29 y.o. I work full-time remotely as a legal advisor and act on a professional level at a theatre from time-to-time. This is due to the fact that my first degree is in the field of international law and my additional degree is in the field of acting (I've also been doing stage acting professionally for 9 years now). I am also recently married to a woman I love, with whom we've been together for almost 3 years now. This is my second marriage and I can see it being the last one. If any of you are familiar with the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator, I'm an ENFP. This means that I am prone to trying lots of things at once, yet struggle to finish any of those. I'm saying that because I have many hobbies, all of which have taken a hit due to my gaming disorder. The most prominent of them are: running, cycling, meditation, hiking, piano. But in my ideal lifestyle there's also place for gym, martial arts, snowboarding, singing and dancing. And that's me trying to be reasonable. As I said, gaming has taken a huge toll on my life. I've been addicted since around 2nd grade, which means the age of 7 or 8. I think the precursor to that was my addiction to watching TV, which I did a lot as a kid as I was often left alone (my parents divorced and mother had to work a lot). In 2nd grade I was gifted with a Playstation and that's when it all began (though no one could know at the time). I have the fondest memories of playing PS1 with my friend, yet I wish we've never done it at all, since all this time could've been spent on learning a skill or playing something meaningful instead. But, hey, we were just kids, who did all they could to have fun despite the restrictions and parents' efforts to make us love going outside. In grade 5 or 6 (which mean around age of 13) I was gifted with a PC with internet connection. This is when porn also entered my life, but that's a whole other story. I'll just state for the record that for me porn and games have also gone hand in hand, the two biggest devils of my life. So, I've been playing video games for 20 years now. Wow. Twenty fucking years. I wish I had a hobby that I had been doing for 20 years by now, that would've made my life much better and enjoyable I suppose. Well, thank god there's acting at least. What seems funny for me that in terms of gaming, I've never left the era that I used to play games the most - since I've never had a modern gaming PC or console, I've always retreated to playing games of the past, mostly those games, that I've already known. So, every time I relapse, I usually play the same list of games I've played my whole life. Meanwhile, I am up to date with what comes out on the market in terms of new titles. And this is also part of my addiction - watching new games on Youtube and fantasising playing them myself. What's worst for me about playing video games is that, despite having a job and a family and even a professional hobby such as acting, I still manage to escape in an unhealthy ways to video games - and to the detriment to my real life. I am actually writing this exact post as I am supposed to be working - I figured out that at least it's not gaming and for me writing this is very important, since I really want to quit this time for good. So that's going to benefit my work in the bigger picture. On the bright side I pride myself in the fact that I have overcome my addictions to: a) weed; b) nicotine; c) alcohol. This means that I do not smoke any kind of stuff anymore, and don't drink alcohol. I realise that gaming, porn and social media addictions are the 3 addictions left in my life that need to be addressed. And so, gaming is next on the list. It's about time I grow up and learn how to make my inner child happy without making my life worse. I wish to become a good part of this community and be of help whenever I can. But I think right now the biggest help to everyone would be to sort myself out, so that I can become a better version of myself and actually have something I can provide to the world. So far, I feel like I have little of that despite all the good things I've achieved in life. I think this is mainly due to the fact that there's so much that I am ambitious about but never take the steps to get it. I think this is the main reason why I am doing this - I want to break free and become the man I believe I can be. Thanks for reading through and see you around the forums.