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spidey

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  1. Dear Journal, The past few days have been quite rough, to be honest. I've been dealing with a lot. I failed you, Spidey, to be honest. I went ahead and, instead of going through with my plan to delete Steam/Mojang, I reopened both of these accounts and have been playing a ridiculous amount of Minecraft the past week. I'm going to get a B in one of my courses, where I previously had an A+ (98%). Why? Was it because it was a hard course, and I failed while trying my best? No. What happened was I decided I didn't care about one of my major papers for this class; and, as a result, didn't submit it. Even with academic accomodations, I don't know if my professor will even accept any kind of submission. I never even bothered to ask him. I was stressed about my classes and all of my work piling up. Instead of trying to ask the professor, who I am sure would have been happy to have given me an extension, I decided to just not say ANYTHING to him. I'm really angry with myself, if you couldn't tell. My life is spiraling out of control because of my videogaming. I don't want to repeat the legacy of addiction in my family. Yet, even with all these obvious signs. Even with me having to literally talk with my professor because I confessed to him I was gaming too much. Even with all of my friends noticing something's up and trying to help me. Even with all this, I am able to convince myself that those 2, 3, 4 hours (who cares at that point, anyway. I tell myself) spent gaming are "worth it." Anything to numb the pain I feel inside about my fear that I won't really be able to be as great of a person as I really want to be. "Am I ever going to be attractive enough to get someone to love me?" "No, probably not due to my genetic condition. Even still, it will be next to impossible to ever find someone who is pretty and also shares my same religious values." "Ok, well, I may as well quit. Let's play Minecraft for a few hours to 'wash out' the bitter sting I feel from rejection and failure." Ultimately, though, with all my self-loathing and self-pity and panic from realizing how screwed I am right now put aside--the main point is that I need to fix the mess I am in. This is MY responsibility and it is my responsibility to be there for the people I love. I refuse to spend another day hiding myself from my loved ones. I refuse to spend another day hiding myself from a world which NEEDS people like me. People like all of us: gamers who want to stop having that label define what we have to offer the world, and most importantly, ourselves. Ok, I'm done with my soap box. I need to study and hopefully get some good studying in. Tomorrow I plan to start again: I'm going to delete all my games and have my friends change the password so I can't reopen the account before the 30 days is up. Wish me luck :)
  2. DAY # - 0 Time I woke up: 7:35am Time I went to sleep yesterday: 3:30am Physical task: N/A Mental task: PHIL-201 (logic) reading; THEOL-320 (encountering Christ) reading Projects: N/A Miscellaneous accomplishments: ~ Attended all my classes (which was certainly a challenge given I was running on less than 5 hours of sleep) ~ Woke up early ~ Prayed first thing like I had planned to do the day before ~ ~ Summary of Day #0: I can’t say I didn’t bring some good into the world today. However, I’m really disappointed in myself. I’ve been asking for many extensions the past week or two… Although some of this was due to legitimate life circumstances, I would be dishonest if I said most of these requests have been made because my gaming habits forced me. I feel like gaming is taking over my life. My grades are slowly slipping and I’m falling behind fast. I am totally overwhelmed, and it’s bad because then that produces anxiety/self-hatred which then, in turn, produces more compulsion to game. Today I played videogames (Minecraft Hypixel Skyblock) from about 4pm til 11pm straight (except for a bathroom break which lasted for 10 minutes or so). I didn’t even shower yet today and this is really annoying to me because now I’m gonna get more acne. Currently I feel so depressed. I really hope my prayers work, because I don’t believe there’s much chance of me getting out of this pit… What I am grateful for today: ~ Getting up early ~ My friends ~ Fun philosophical discussions in class ~ Getting to speak with one of my friends which had to leave campus for a few days because she was sick is back and we got to have lunch together! Over and out!
  3. My name is Brayden. I am from Annapolis, MD and am 20 years old. I currently am in college, studying for a degree in philosophy. I am really struggling as of late with my gaming. I had (finally) gotten a bit of control over gaming after I sold off my Switch and my PC doesn’t work at all really. Although I’ve known for a while my school has a gaming lounge, I had never gone in it as I knew it could easily become a problem. Unfortunately, after hearing about Spiderman coming out for PC, I spent a whole saturday in the PC lounge. One thing led to another, and now I’m falling very behind in all my classes as a result of my gaming. Worse, I’m starting to place Minecraft multiplayer which is what has always been the most problematic for me. For example, both today and two days ago I spent around 8+ hours per day gaming!! I really need help. I am going to quit games forever. I want to be great. I want to be a Saint. I want to be a religious leader. And, of course, I can’t be nearly as effective in those things if I’m so attached to gaming. More than anything, I just want to be free. I don’t want to feel like a slave to my own passions…. Finally, there are many things in my life which I want to do and I am sure I would be able to do them if I quit gaming. Not to mention, gaming has become an excuse for me to basically stop socializing entirely.
  4. I am leaving for a missions trip soon and was thinking about selling my Switch. My mom and sister (I haven’t told my dad but he will likely object as well) are very much against this idea. They say it is hurtful to my mom since she had gotten it for me as a gift. My sister also points out that I use it all the time so it is not without at least some value. My sister tells me I should just practice self-control since I can still use my games sometimes. I am torn. I used to definitely have an addiction to gaming. However, since going to college I haven’t had much opportunity to game. I also have somewhat grown out of the addiction. However, whenever I get onto minecraft, it is like I cannot help myself. I will legit play for hours upon hours even though I have other stuff that needs to get done. I also struggle a lot with an addiction to using the internet… I have a porn blocker on, but when it is not on I have a lot of issues with that too. I was away for 3 months and the only game I had was pokemon go. I am back home and ever since I have been having massive issues with using my phone and playing minecraft. Let me know if you have any questions and what your opinion is about selling the switch. Thanks!