Days without games: 1.
I had a panic attack today. But everything came out to my wife, who was empathetic. She'd seen everything, and wasn't surprised by me getting my diagnosis from the quizzes. But the panic attack came more from my job search, studying code, dealing with birthday gifts and having wasted so much time on gaming during the process.
My head feels clearer though. Describing myself as having 'a gaming addiction' feels like a natural response. It all seems to make sense, and takes one segment from my mind out that makes everything else seem clearer.
I'm still thinking about a hypothetical situation where i could play games again with friends though. A thought I've had for a good 4 or 5 years, but never acted on because I left my home country. Along with this image of impressing them with a powerful character on a fighting game. I've always been the only one to play them to my level. Fighting level 8s and 9s on smash, fighting SF4 on hardest etc etc. Yet I'm a pussy in a real fight. At least I was. I hope the intense weight burpees and hanging on a pull up bar might change that, I can already carry my wife around easier anyway.
Exercise is key to this. Home workouts are fine, but I found strength gives you the best buzz. Focus on your forearms and use a pull up bar, and you'll see the best difference. Spent too long pissing around with bicep stuff wondering why I'm not getting stronger. But either way exercise gives that buzz when you get results. To speak like a nerdy gamer, why level up a character when you level up yourself?
Also they say you should replace gaming with a dopamine hit, so I've chosen Disney +. My brother has let me use his account, eventually I'll get my own. TV scratches an itch, whilst at the same time not growing a Futurama brainslag on my head like gaming.
Seriously gaming is a brainslug. Watch futurama, think of it like that. It helps 😅
The hypothetical gaming thoughts are still here, that's a big factor. Taking a shower and running through in my head the new ways to make games interesting. I kept justifying my habit by being frugal. But just because you don't waste money doesn't mean you aren't addicted. I liked creating characters, customisation. Lately Mii Swordfighter filled that, finding new characters to build in. It was annoying to see pro gamers with such shitty Miis, anime girls and retarded looking joke miis, when mine were variants on real characters. But then... I'm still the one ruining my relationship. At least those boys are getting paid for gaming.
I remember when I was on a South Korean Facebook group, I was asking around about Tekken. I posted about how I sold my PS4 when I moved house. Some troll gave me shit, saying I was a simp because I did that. It's easy to poke holes. Then there was another girl who gave a big laughing face and said 'Yeah! Simp! My PS4 is the best!' Both of them started a weird little conversation, and by the end of it, I felt better than them. The girl had lost a marriage because she played too much PS4, she admitted, saying 'The PS4 is still here but he isn't. I'm very happy!' No one else in the thread gave her a thought.
Living alone in South Korea, teaching English to school kids, playing PS4 on your own. Good luck not getting depressed with that.
Meanwhile I'm building up towards a house, having trained myself enough in programming to potentially earn double her wage. I've got a super hot wife and an apartment 4 times the size of hers. But maybe I should just accept that the simp joke was funny, it was.
When me and my wife talked, she complained I haven't been there, completely. That's the key to this. If you aren't an addict, your partner will be more present in your mind. Gaming will be one of the things you do. But for me, every day, I say I'm taking a break. That break means gaming. PC gaming, switch gaming, mobile gaming. Whatever. If you're alone you don't have anyone to disappear on, but the difference is that life passes you by while you're in front of the screen. I didn't travel in Europe, I didn't save. I smoked cigarettes and gamed. Now I'm cigarette free for 4 years. Game free for 1 day.
Honestly gaming seems way harder to quit. Because it was so easy to quit, but I know I can convince myself to play again. Cigarettes it was physical but gaming is all 'harmless' justification, no physical consequences. Just a lot of lost time that should have been spent on the people you care about.
Wow day 1 and I'm ranting.
Okay. That's how I feel. Let's see if I'm full of shit or capable of doing this. Bring on day 2.