MmmWatermelon

Day 142 Ok so lately chess has been getting out of control again... : P Here I am and it's 3 AM and I've been playing a bunch of chess all morning, barely got myself together to go work doing tutoring for a few hours and buy some groceries, then I came home and played a bunch of chess online until 3 AM. This is the first time I've stayed up past like 1 (and I generally go to bed before midnight now) in a few months so I think I need to check in here before it goes out of control. Things got a bit stressful during the past week. Old back pain and such issues...some anxiety, sigh. Let's focus on what's been positive: - no gaming (besides counting chess during the past week+, which started out a little bit at a time then got to the point that it's getting in the way of my other goals for the last three days or so. But anyway NO GAMING besides chess since my last relapse around day 90 or so, so it's been 60 days! Whoo! - Haven't looked at porn for the past ~2 months or so I think, basically since I've been living with K. This is nice...hope to continue the streak - Been working a bunch doing tutoring regularly and actually saving up some money. At some point I was down to like 500 in my bank account with no hope of even looking into a place to rent and now I probably have nearly enough saved that I could put down a first / last month's rent, if I wanted to go the route of finding my own place (I'm looking until I find something good) - I tried sleeping on my buddy's boat for 5 nights the other week and it was pretty comfortable even in the rain. There are a lot of logistics to figure out (one thing I'm going to do is bring a few bins or buckets for dishwashing on the deck of the boat next time, for example). I even did some light cooking on my isopropane camping stove and there is an alcohol stove my buddy had on the boat I took to K's house to tinker with. Not sure it works, but it would be a better option. I also did a bunch of cleaning of old grime to make the little storage cubbies and such more comfortable, and supplied the boat with a bunch of nonperishable foods. - Went to a new dance group I really like in the East Bay which is near where I'll be staying on the boat. It was really fun and I look forward to going again after the holiday breaks. - I think I'd like to incorporate chess in moderation into my time, but have it be more structured and focus on actually improving instead of playing mindless blitz after blitz. A few years ago I was reading a chess book as well as going to weekly club meetings with a friend and it was a lot of fun. Since I'll be staying near this same club I could try going again to place in a club setting and then maybe in moderation online to practice certain aspects of my game. I need to think carefully about this since it easily slips away form me, but I really can have a lot of fun with it. Stuff I need TO DO: - really need to figure out my health insurance through social services in the new area where I live. This is a pain in the butt, yes, but I need to fight for myself and hopefully make the system work for me. Even if I have to jump through hoops and go to the office in person because they are all confused in transfering my information from the old county's SS office. This is my goal for tomorrow since I probably won't have any tutoring in the afternoon, if it all. The goal is to eventually see someone who could diagnose what's going on with my back, maybe do physical therapy. I also have enough moneys now that I could see a chiropractor, but I'd feel better at least getting a clear diagnosis from a osteopath first anyway, which hopefully could be covered by insurance. Also for tomorrow: - finish a letter I started - meditate / do some gentle yoga when I wake up in the late morning. Good night all!

I like to remind myself that there have been people all throughout history who've chosen to live a life worth living. And whenever that may have been, the world was just as full of conflict, contradiction, paradox, and uncertainty. If someone else, then why not me? If then, why not now? Where do you find inspiration? Also, it's easy to completely convince ourselves the world is a certain way. But we have a very limited and subjective perspective, which is why I think it's important at least for me to constantly strive to expand that perspective and become aware of what it is we don't see. How exactly would you like the world to be in order for you to be able to live a fulfilling life? The words of songwriter Greg Brown come to mind: "The world ain't what you think it is, the world ain't what you wish it was, it's just what it is."

Hey, half of success is just showing up and being there on time or a bit early! I bet you, your anxiety will evaporate as you are actually there and beginning the training and you might be surprised by how easily you'll be able to learn it. Just be attentive, don't by shy about asking questions on things you don't understand, and even bring your sense of humor... Don't expect yourself to know about something you haven't done before and feel anxious over that, that's just unrealistic... Best of luck, you got this!

Wow, your ability to perceive subtle color changes is really impressive!! I am blown away! I thought at first those were just two copies of the same photograph before looking more carefully...beautiful drafts above also! Are you taking short breaks during your 8 hour session? Maybe it would help stave off the sleepiness to get up for 5 minutes and stretch, dance or exercise vigorously then get back to it. And a longer break sometime in the middle perhaps? It is important to do this when you are sitting for lengthy periods of time anyway to circulate your lymph, get your blood moving etc. Anyway, you should be telling us what you're doing, that's already much more impressive concentration on one task than I'm ever capable of!

Glad you like Some more I did in my little pocket journal in the past week (and a card I made for my partner's birthday which is probably my favorite watercolor so far!) This coyote kept moving : )

Thank you for reading, how are things going for you lately? : ) Day 128 Whoa, so many things are happening so quick right now it seems. I've been a bit stressed out by finding a living arrangement and to be honest my effort into looking at CG and such has been pretty minimal. My one month living with K which we agreed upon with her roommates is up...what I've found is through talking with a college friend of mine who has a boat on the other side of the Bay at the Berkeley Marina. He isn't using it and he is willing to rent it to me quite cheaply, but the caveat is it'll be somewhat cramped quarters, no kitchen, and there's a limited # of nights / month I'm allowed to sleep on it due to the marina limitations. I tried sleeping on it two nights ago as a trial night to get an idea of what it's like and it was pretty comfortable. So I feel like I can make it work but there are a bunch of logistics to juggle. The rest of the nights I'll be spending at K's (about 2 / week) and I've arranged my tutoring sessions (smartly ahead of time, foreseeing something like this!) in her area to be on the 3 days of the week around that. There's definitely a bit of a romantic factor to living on a boat temporarily, but I think this is taking me out of my comfort zone quite a bit...I really like having a cozy nest to come back to and somedays I feel like I just need a time out...right now I feel like I need to really be on top of my shit to be able to prepare adequately for being comfortable with the boat life. I also picked up a bit more computer work I need to get done today so I have a pretty laid out schedule today: - respond to emails and msgs (by 10:15am) - focus on work (until 12) - brainstorm cooking options on camping stove so I can prepare what foods I need to buy + toiletries etc. + things to be comfortable...laundry, pack, clean and organize car etc. - tutoring at 4 with a regular student then meeting a new student! - drink lots of tea... The boat is a mostly functional sailboat but the motor is broken and neither my friend nor I are experienced enough sailing to take it out without the motor. Maybe in the future...

Hi Ben, Yes! I think you are so spot on . I encourage you to feel free to express whatever you feel called to in your journal, it is yours like you said after all, if anyone who is choosing to read it doesn't like it for any reason, they are free to move on... At the beginning of my detox when trying to renormalize my sleep schedule I found it really helpful to listen to some kind of guided relaxation or meditate before going to sleep. I really like this Yoga Nidra guided relaxation: Yoga Nidra Youtube link, and I think this or Headspace meditation would be denominational and in complete harmony with any system of belief you have and could even be a basis for getting in touch with that on a regular basis? I'd be curious what you think.

Hi Ben, I can relate to a lot of the things you say, as well as having multiple relapses over and over during attempts to quit earlier this year and last winter. I probably had several 10+ day detox attempts only to go back into binging for 2-3 months straight. Eventually I got fed up enough that I'm now 4 months through a detox with only some minor relapsing for a few days near the 3 month mark. It really was incredibly tough to stick with it but eventually it does get easier and easier; and it's sooo worth it. I hear you when you feel like you are going crazy sometimes, it really feels that way when you are doing something else that's going to rewire your brain away from the dopamine kick addiction that you are so used to. It'll come in waves but I know I and other people have gone through it and come out the other side and you can too! Your nervous system is incredibly intelligent and it won't ever give you more than you can handle to process, even if it feels that way sometimes. Some things that were the most helpful for me, if you think they resonate with you: I think community in a broad sense is the #1 thing to help you recover from any addiction, period. Eyeball time and face to face contact is what we need to move on from stuff. When I was finally able to have a successful detox is was because of: 1) reaching out to friends and having the chance to talk about what you're going through openly, the highs and the lows; gaming addiction isn't on that many people's radar, which means you might need to put some extra effort into explaining what's going on to people; the upside of this is that people really won't be judgemental because most often they won't think it's even as big of a deal as you make it out to be. 2) I saw a therapist once a week for two months or so and I'd probably continue to do so once I sort out my insurance in my new living area; again, really helpful to have face to face time with someone you can talk with openly; if you have any sort of insurance in the US you'll be able to see someone an hour a week without paying a dime. 3) Having a weekly Skype call with an accountability partner was a huge help; not quite face to face but a really good way to have someone who can relate with what you're going through. You're worth it, you got this : )

Day 119 Nearly a month into my 2nd round of 90 days...I figure I will at least go through with a straight 90 day streak sans relapse. Then might I even consider casual gaming? I will at least consider it but I doubt I will feel comfortable with the idea, or even interested. But we'll see in a few months, right now it feels very good to put as much distance in time between gaming and myself as possible : ) November is nearly at a close...I have spent this last month with my partner and it has by far been the most rewarding month since choosing to move on from games four months ago and the most rewarding this whole year in general. It's actually astonishing to even consider that it's already been a third of a year since the beginning of this particular segment in my journey and this journal. Things are much, much better and it feels like I am continuously on the up-slope, but are by no means easy or. I suppose life isn't easy in general but I think "ease" is something we can cultivate in our daily lives to help us meet the more challenging aspects of life. I still think about computer gaming on a daily basis, or rather I think about computer gaming addiction; I think about how it has affected me and perhaps sometimes I place too large of a burden of blame on it and things are challenging rather than just reminding myself that today is new, I nor anyone else have lived this day before, I'm not expected to know what's going to happen or what the best course to take is. What I can expect is to try my best day by day and, very important, give myself permission to know that can look very, very different on each day also; sometimes it doesn't seem like much; one of my favorite quotes that my accountability partner Alex and I both liked at the beginning of our detox was "It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop." I'm flying by the seat of my pants just as all humans are, and we are learning by trial and error, day by day. I'm aware that one of the things I still struggle with during this time is expecting things to fall into place. They don't! Life has truly done a great job trying to teach me day in and day out that you can fritter away your whole time on this Earth expecting things to fall into place, but the best I feel I can do is follow my impulses towards whatever I intuit will bring me the greatest happiness; whenever I create expectations things don't turn out the way I imagine. Sometimes they are not as good, but just as often they are amazing and beautiful in the most surprising ways. I think knowing that this will keep being so if I am prepared as best I can to see and take in that beauty is at the kind of faith I can buy into. Did I meet all of my goals I set two weeks ago for that one week? Not fully, but they acted as helpful guidelines. I made more money than I spent, maybe saving $150. I cooked a good amount though didn't try out any specific recipes really; part of this was being frugal with groceries and only using whatever was already in the house. I found it very challenging to meet my goal of spending so many hours outside every day because it was very easy for instance to sleep in for several hours then spend the few remaining daylight of these short days cooking, house cleaning, chatting with people in the house, following the chess world championship or whatever, drinking tea. One thing I'm remembering about living with several people is that it's both a blessing in terms of always having someone to talk with, having extra treats, people to hang out with; while I also find myself also give extra time to things the others find important instead of my own priorities, easy to chat or watch movies without focus for hours etc. Sometimes I find myself acting certain ways out of fear of being judged or falling behind others who I see succeeding in particular ways every day. I've painted a bunch, maybe more every other day than every day even if I haven't been posting images on here and I've actually been finding more and more rewarding; I'm having fun and feeling like I'm getting better! Part of realizing things are not always as expected is being honest with myself about not meeting with goals. I have a lot of new energies and patterns I'm working with here and so I'm realizing I was maybe setting my standards too high. New house, living with a partner, new housemates, completely different place...it has only been a few weeks so of course it is a challenge to figure out what feels realistic. For example, with having a consistent sleeping schedule, I now need to take into account when K wants to go to bed, the fact that she has a highly variable work schedule day to day so she gets up at various times and likes to sleep in when she doesn't have work etc. My new living situation is just a lot more dynamic day to day and I am still adjusting to the idea of needing to put extra effort into creating little anchors for myself. I think daily meditation can be helpful for this and I have had maybe a few three day streaks but honestly don't think I've had a week-long or even five day streak in the last month. Anyway, I think I focus too much on the things that aren't going perfectly, even though lots of things have been going well. I think I have this tendency because I like feeling like I'm aware of what I need to be working on. But...still, too much. What has been going well? Things between K and I feel wonderful; I feel closer to her than I have ever felt to anyone in a relationship; I feel like we have both grown a lot during our time apart for a few years since the two years we were together! I also feel good that I've been able to find a few regular tutoring students and start having an income. Also, time spent reconnecting with friends and forming new connections, reading, doing yoga, meditating, doing art, taking walks, cooking. During this last Thanksgiving Week K and I had quite a few celebrations we went to! I feel good about the fact that the last five days I spent constantly being social and around people. On Wednesday we went to a local farm we've been connected to for some years and took part in an amazing potluck in a large yurt overlooking a beautiful cliffside over the Pacific Ocean. Lots of happy faces and a few familiar ones. And a familiar old cat K brought to this farm some years ago. Thursday through Saturday we spent with our two friends who were married recently in September and one of their families nearby. Also a lot of food and a lot of time lounging with lots of people I didn't know; played some chess. One amazing thing was having a brutally honest and raw conversation with my two friends about gaming addiction and baring my soul a bit. I cried some and they were very compassionate, loving, and couldn't be more supportive, as I figured they would be, they are wonderful people : ) Feels good to have a growing circle of people I can talk to openly about this and trust. I highly encourage anyone to do the same, I think it's one of the most helpful and liberating things...not feeling like you need to be defensive about it. Take care for now and Happy Thanksgiving!

NSFW? not sure... While posting some newer art I thought I'd also share some older pencil drawings I made. These I made earlier in the year, at some point in between gaming periods, during what was an unsuccessful detox at the time. Was quite happy with them, done from photos and I used a bit of tracing for some of the major lines . I've drawn some with live models when I took a drawing class in college but I'd be quite out of practice now! The gold color is just from the light in the room where I'm photographing them, but I kinda dig it...gives it kind of a Klimt quality lol

I started this one yesterday. I wasn't having much fun during the first one because I picked such a big sheet of paper and I felt I had to keep getting water way too often; this one was more fun working in my 6 inch journal. I also really like being pretty line heavy when I draw in pencils so I thought I could relate more with that when I do watercolors if I also add some pen lines before. Look forward to working on finishing this; and yup not a bad view of SF and the Bay two miles from where I'm staying for the month : )

Watermelon won't be in season until the next summer : ) don't worry I had plenty a few months ago...

I thought I'd mess with watercolors for the next few days; I think my level is about the same as back in elementary school : ) Maybe tomorrow, something smaller...

Hehe, I don't know much about preparing watermelon in other ways other than its pure and perfect form...sometimes I've eaten it with salt, which can be delicious; I've also come across somebody poking a hole into the side of the watermelon and then scraping around all the innards, mushing them around, and mixing in some vodka. Then you plug it back up and let all the melon absorb the vodka...it's quite delicious an hour or two later : )

Thanks @CamAdair , I have read the story and also heard you describe it in detail during the San Diego meetup, which is probably why it felt so relevant . Thanks also @happykhan and @AlextheGrape! (Sigh, how the heck do I do that @ thing correctly, I have no idea right now, sorry! Day 103 Well it's been exactly two weeks since I've started staying with K and things are going really well right now. I'm happy to be here. I've had some lows and highs this past week and today I'm particularly in a good mood after a good afternoon and evening yesterday. I was thinking journaling a bit and setting some more specific goals for next week might be helpful. At the beginning of this week I started studying a bit of chemistry from some free lectures on the MIT website as well as khanacademy. The purpose is both to satisfy my own curiosity (I have a lot of fun thinking about physics and my studies were both in biology and mathematics, so I feel like chemistry touches upon all of those subjects) and to maybe expand the subjects that I tutor. In my time tutoring I've often found I had more fun talking about real world things that my students could relate to, like when the math dipped into physics; I think it'd be fun to tutor more towards physical and life sciences because even though I can find math really exciting, the stuff I'm helping young kids with isn't very exciting for either me or them. Anyway, I had a lot of fun watching lectures and hopping around videos and exercises and feel like I've already gotten a good review of what I used to know and watching lectures of the experiments of Thompson of Rutherford, electron orbitals, proving the angle of tetrahedrons and so on, but I also maybe on Wednesday or Thursday felt like I was spending too much time on the computer and sitting around and felt like I just needed a break for a day to go hiking. I've started taking a small notebook in my back pants pocket with me while exploring the beautiful trails around where I'm living in Marin County and writing short blurbs about what I find inspiring / beautiful in the world around me or making small pencil sketches. This is something I've been really enjoying this past week and I'd like to continue. Being outside and closely witnessing the natural world is such a big passion for me, I realize more and more how important that is to stave off depressed and stale states of mind. I'm going to make it one of my big focuses of this next week to spend at least five hours each day outside whether hiking \ sitting around and just watching things or writing \ drawing. K has a very compact watercolor set that might be perfect for this purpose that I will take along and spend at least 30 minutes each of those days producing a small watercolor that I'll share on here; I haven't done much painting with watercolor but it'll be a little experiment to see what I can learn by the end of a week if I practice it a bit every day. Another goal next week will be to save $200. I did a few more hours of tutoring a few days ago and the parent of this new student asked me to tutor them twice a week on a regular basis which will hopefully be a regular small source of income. Since my living expenses are tiny, basically just food, and we cooked at home every meal this week, I'll just need to book one or two other tutoring gigs to come up with $200 to set aside, or possibly do some food deliveries on the side. Another goal: meditate each day. Also: try cooking 2 new recipes. To summarize, and maybe add a few more things on there: - meditate every day - spend at least 5 hours enjoying the local nature daily. Write and sketch as inspired but also work on a watercolor to share on here for 30 minutes daily. - put aside $200 - continue cooking and also try at least 2 new recipes of my own initiative. - focus more on calling friends than I have been this week - maybe find a local dance to go to? I miss my old dance group : ) Last night I went on a hike by myself in the late afternoon and enjoyed watching some deer on a hillside then a beautiful sunset from the top of a hill. Then I went to the store to get some sour cream and eggs for a planned evening of making latkas and watching the movie What We Do in the Shadows with K and other friends. It was a great squash and zucchini latka feast with a great salad and latka toppings ranging from homemade apple sauce, toasted walnuts, and some sauce with a Hebrew-sounding name I have no idea how to spell out...it was a lot of fun, very delicious, some good stories were told, lots of laughter, and also a funny movie. Tonight K and I are driving down to the South Bay to have a Friendsgiving potluck with my sister and her friends. I'm excited to hang out like this with my sister, since I feel like I don't see her much outside of hanging out with parents in a family kind of way. I'm going to make some of Asian stir fry with tofu and veggies with peanut sauce since everyone else seems to be well taking care of the traditional Thanksgiving foods. For anyone who reads my journal: I apologize for it being somewhat rambly and incoherent, I often write pretty quickly and without checking over what I write, thanks for reading regardless!

Day 98 Things are continuing to go well and I had a great couple of days this weekend. Friday I went to the East Bay to go chantarelle hunting as planned. Though I found a few mushrooms, I didn't find any edible ones that I was looking for but enjoyed some wonderful moments in a beautiful forest with lush sword ferns and mossy old bay laurel and live oak trees. I got somewhat anxious driving back and stopping at a grocery store because of the overstimulation of the city and the fact that I had one of my first panic attacks last year in a grocery store in the same city but it passed in a few minutes with some helpful breathing and awareness that this was simply a triggering location and I felt satisfied at facing my anxiety (which evaporated) and going through with what I was trying to accomplish even if it was something as mundane as buying groceries. I cooked some lentils in the evening that I shared with K and another housemate. On Saturday, K and I had been planning on going to a good friend's birthday party in San Francisco; he hosts a potluck and evening in which we share musical acts or tell \ read stories every year (I hadn't been in three years due to living other places). I had been thinking for a few days that it would be empowering to face an audience and at least read a story (I've yet to develop musically too much!) but I felt pretty shaken by the idea, as well as reconnecting with some folks I hadn't seen in a few years and feeling like I don't currently have much fun answering the standard "What have you been doing for the past year?" questions . Either way, I figured I'd at least bring food so I made another round of the previous night's lentil success and also some peanut sauce on the side. I brought a book of some John Muir short writings I like in case I might muster up the courage to share; drove to the city with K and we took three friends of hers who were staying the night whilst on a month long roadtrip downtown, then went to our gathering. I honestly felt a bit awkward at first; I felt full of a lot of self-absorbed / self-conscious, doubtful kind of thinking and compared myself to the roomful of people who seemed to be having a lot of fun and naturally bonding together. Either way, I've learned by now that even if something seems challenging in that way at first, after some adjustment and a bit of time and just letting things feel awkward iff they need be in the situation, I can end up having a lot of fun after a little while, which was certainly the case tonight. The potluck as a whole was delicious and even though I sat next to someone I didn't feel I had the most brilliant one on one conversation with, it was great to also see others such as my two friends whose wedding I went to the other month and who had just recently gotten back from their honeymoon in Spain. When the music and story portion of the evening started I felt both relaxed at not needing to focus on my own story anymore and full of emotion with the desire \ nervousness of being on stage in front of a bunch of people. It turns out that the first person on stage told personal anecdote that though completely unrelated brought up something personal that I thought would make a fun and colorful story to share: a time from six years ago when I was studying forestry in the mountains during the summer and a friend and I walked into town to do laundry because the laundry machines on site were broken. While the laundry was washing, it got dark and on the way back to our cabins we were confronted with a mountain lion in the shrubbery by the side of the road in the darkness. Well, during the next couple of performances my mind was buzzing with ways to paint the scene, as well as agonizing over whether if I got up on stage I would tell the story in a way that did it justice or completely lose it in front of the people and falter. I really didn't want to miss the opportunity! I definitely thought at one point about how Cam must have felt before doing his first TED talk, and decided that the pressure and stakes in my case were way less (in fact, a ridiculous comparison : ) so I pretty much had to go for it! I got up there at the last chance and felt a surge of inspiration and all the details of my initial painting of the scene came out right and felt everyone very drawn in (which several people also told me was true for them later). It was very fun and satisfying and I came off the stage feeling a great amount of emotional relief and feeling at ease, able to join in a bunch of singing and joking and talking for the rest of the evening. Great success! The two recently married girlfriends came to stay with K and I for the night, it was kind of a crowded house with them 2 as well as the three roadtripping friends but all left early the next day after we made pancakes for everyone and went on a short walk with the newlyweds. In the afternoon on Sunday I had a tutoring session nearby which went pretty well. Felt good to start doing a bit of work in this new area and I have another tutoring session planned for tomorrow afternoon with a new student. In the evening, we went over to the neighbor nearby who does wood cuts who made us an amazing dinner and she showed us a lot of her old wood cuts and other various artwork - very prolific! I was very inspired and she got me started on doing a simple woodcut print based on a photo I picked - a cormorant. Today K and I made some amazing bagel sandwiches for breakfast with smoked salmon and blue cheese and an egg and veggies. Wow! K worked for most of the day until 9 except she was home in the late afternoon for two hours and we cooked dinner together also. I spent the day going on a hike in the morning and then watching a few lectures on chemistry from an MIT course and khanacademy. I got a little hooked! The only thing I'm unhappy is that I had maybe 5-6 cookies and if I hadn't had very healthy meals I probably wouldn't have felt too great . Well that's about that for now...I'm feeling good in the new household about not having gaming cravings that are too strong. Lots of moments feeling social and feeling more and more back to being comfortable with that. Relationship with K is a source of great comfort and love. Procrastinating a bit on calling a few people and taking care of my insurance...it'd be good to focus on that tomorrow! Hope I can get the ball rolling on tutoring even more. Have a great day to anyone actually reading this!

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story; every time you try to get out of that hole in the street you get a little better at it until one day you're ready to walk down a different street : ) I'm still working on it, but this community has been a terrific help, best to you Nancy!

Day 94 It's been a really nice couple of days for the most part. Tuesday K had the day off so we slept in, made a slow breakfast mid morning then went for a hike in Point Reyes National Seashore. It was a beautiful drive on Sir Francis Drake Blvd., which crosses the tongue of land that is the north-western part of the SF Bay all the way from the Bay side to the large peninsula of Point Reyes on the Pacific side. Along the way one sees many grass covered hills dotted with live oaks and cows, and a gorgeous drippy redwood forest alongside San Geronimo Creek. We drove by the well known Spirit Rock Zen Center, which is found next to a distinctive looking large boulder with a healthy oak growing out of the solid rock. We stopped in a small town on the way to get some bread, cheese, and a tomato and then drove to the far northern parts of the Point Reyes peninsula. There is a reservation of tule elk here which I had been wanting to visit for years but never got around to; there are elk that live in other parts of California, further north, near the Prairie Creek redwoods, but as far as I know this is the only remaining population this far south. At the place where we crossed over the boundary of the elk reserve, there is a tallish fence and cattle guard on the ground, to stop the movement of elk into the southern part of the peninsula, and of cattle the other way; cows are abundant and ubiquitous in the rest of Point Reyes outside the elk reserve and the federally-administered lands. Much of this peninsula has historically been used for ranching by first the Spanish vaqueros, and then by the Portuguese, going back a few centuries. We saw three or four small herds of elk along our hike, some from relatively close up, mostly consisting of females. They have light cream colored rears and dark warm fur around their necks. We only saw a few males with horns, oftentimes one or two of them accompanying the females and sometimes walking around alone or in pairs. Beautiful views of beaches, coastal cliffs, the surf, and the ocean from up high as we hiked towards the northern tip of the peninsula, about five miles distant. We stopped somewhere along the way because my back was hurting walking uphill and huddled under our just-warm-enough layers against the cold, refreshing wind eating bread with a stinky local brie, and drinking warm tea from a thermos. As we were looking out over the ocean K saw the spout of a whale, then another, then another, then more and more! It was a whole pod, probably of gray whales though they never breached and it's hard to say judging from the spouts alone, maybe early migrators south from Alaska towards Baja, Mexico to birth calves in warm subtropical waters. We stayed until the sunset then walked back in the dusk, warming ourselves back up by moving. The drive back through the coastal cypress and redwoods was pleasant, with lots of deer and even two foxes hanging out near the path. Wednesday I was rather tired and I felt a lot of back pain from long walks for the past two days so I took it easy. We made tacos in the morning with some rice and beans K cooked the other night and I spent my day reading and lounging. I've been feeling some anxiety about how to fill my time on empty days and what to do about my back now that I don't currently have a chiropractor around here. One thing that's on my to do list is to sort out my insurance, which feels like a bit of a mess since the social security office couldn't even figure out my case properly when I called...in the afternoon we made some soup and shared it with the other two housemates. Today K has a long twelve hour day so I'm thinking of heading to the East Bay and going mushroom hunting at a good chantarelle spot a friend and I frequented two years ago. I'm really good at putting off this practical stuff like insurance : ). Fortunately my back seems to be feeling significantly better after a day of rest and doing some yin yoga yesterday. This morning K was feeling sleepy and snoozing until she had to head off to work so I made tacos for breakfast for her again, which felt nice.

YAS! So I have reached the original 90 days, although with two short relapses near the end so it hasn't been a continuous 90 days. Despite that, I feel likel the 90 days has gone really, really well overall and I'm in a much better place where I was when I started. This last Friday I just drove up to the Bay to live with my friend / partner K. for at least the month of November. Our relationship always seems to exist in some sort of nebulous state of definition which seems to work the best for us? : ) So far I've had a few decompressive days here and really jumping into a whole new experience. Not being around my parents' place and the whole negativity that has gone along with that feels like the removal of a huge and important obstacle, and I am also challenged by not having that as an excuse anymore. I've already been spending a lot of time in social situations just from being here for three full days now; Saturday night after arriving there was a Halloween party in the neighborhood and I dressed up with some things from K's costume trunk; I felt somewhat awkward at this party honestly and I didn't drink more than a mouthful of wine. I like the philosophy of practicing letting myself go and having fun without the aid of alcohol : ) I danced some but I didn't get into the swing of dancing as well as at other times, I just felt like the music and loudness wasn't much my thing. My favorite part of the party was hanging out on a more quiet floor up in the attic with K and a handful of other people playing twister and jenga. K and I also walked home in the dark for a couple of miles which was really nice; it was a still night and we could hear a pair of great horned owls for a good part of our walk, while looking at the Pleiades and Orion constellations through patches in the fog. Beautiful to be in the open spaces and hills of the Bay again, I have missed this. We've been cooking a lot the last few days, especially breakfast, making shakshouka and this morning bagels full with mushroom, spinach, cheese, egg and other toppings. The morning before the party we also made a brunch when about 8 or 10 people from around the neighborhood and visiting friends came over to eat corn pancakes loaded with lotsa yummy things. On Sunday I spent a bit of time working and in the evening K and I went over to Berkeley in the East Bay to eat curries with an old college friend of ours who just started graduate school, and later on in the evening we went to a haunted house because K is really big into Halloween stuff; this kinda pushed my comfort zone honestly but it was fun in its own way haha. Today I had more time with myself since K was working until the afternoon, so after I woke up early and we had breakfast together I went on a long hike through the Marin Headlands. There was a lot of beauty to appreciate in the early part of this foggy day. The grass astride the trail ruts was laden with heavy globs of dew. It looked white like it was frosted but it was just dew in liquid form. There is a shrub called coyote brush that is very representative of the vegetation here that is flowering right now. The vivid green leaves of the coyote brush combined with their white flowers and the grayish green Spanish "moss" lichen that wraps around many of their trunks created a very simple but satisfying backdrop for these hills, only punctuated occasionally by bright red toyon berries in full fruit. I also saw a flicker flying away from me and four banana slugs creeping along the wet ground. In the afternoon I worked and did some computer stuff for a few hours then watched Hocus Pocus while doing crafts with K and her two roommates (I did some coloring). In the evening K had plans to go to a birthday party so I went to over to a friend's house in the neighborhood with K's roommate to make and eat hummus and pita. It was delicious and there was a lot of good conversation; I really enjoy the company of K's roommate a lot of the time, she is a very insightful, thoughtful person who if I were to describe in a few words, is good at being herself. Grateful for: - Living somewhere where it's easy to have a lot of contact with nice and interesting people (everyone in this neighborhood works for a few nature education organizations, so it's a pretty tight community basically) - eating healthy and having someone to cook with every day - cuddles and kisses at the end of the day - being in a place where I love the nature and I'm excited to explore and hunt mushrooms during the winter - having low expenses; the housing here is mostly paid by K's work - new connections and friends - meeting somebody who makes woodcuts, maybe I'll get a chance to learn a thing or two from this person while I'm here...

Day 87 Feels like it's been a while since I've checked in on the forum, even though I've read a few posts here and there. It's been feeling a bit like a rollercoaster for the last week and a half or so. I'm having a hard time in the last part of the detox and as I'm getting ready to move up to the Bay in northern California. I guess I've been relapsing a bunch in the past week with a new card game similar to Hearthstone as well as online chess. I'm feeling a lot of fear and nervousness about moving I suppose and this is what's been leading me to relapse. Then relapsing itself has led me to feel kind of shitty for not setting myself up in the best possible way for this transitional time. Anyway, I've been trying to do some things here and there to mitigate this, last few days I have been meditating and it has been somewhat helpful I guess though I am still feeling pretty stressed overall. I spent two or three nights playing through the night and this somewhat messed up my sleep schedule for the past week so I ended up missing a few things like a going away party for my friend who works at my chiropractor's office (she's also moving away in a week or two and I felt bummed that I missed this event, but I made her a painting to show her my gratitude for the support I feel like I've received from her lately). I also missed my last opportunity to go to the last weekly dance tonight because I was so tired I took a nap in the late afternoon and slept for several hours. Anyway, that's ok I suppose, besides not having the chance to say goodbye to the group, I have been enjoying it enough and I know I can find dance groups where I will be up north...I think I'm just feeling scared of leaving what has been familiar, the good and the bad. I feel like I've been getting a lot of love, support, and encouragement from K as I'm getting ready to leave and join her, but I am feeling kinda crappy about myself and worried if I can really be fully present with her and these new possibilities; I feel really stuck in this story of myself as addicted to gaming and not good enough, especially because of recent relapses, and just worried about being able to properly take care of myself. Anyway, this is nearing the end of the 90 days...I went for two months solidly without playing games, looking at let's plays or really at any content...even though I know life felt really challenging I am definitely better off now than I was at the start and that's the important thing to keep in perspective. I hope I can use this move as an opportunity to encourage good behaviors and habits and keep climbing. I think I will try yet again to go for a full 90 days this time without any of this crap...

Day 76 Today I went to the chiropractor in the early morning; quite a bit of tension in my body it seems and my mind feeling unfocused; had a nice chat for a while with the secretary on my way out. I didn't give myself enough time to meditate and go for a stroll in the morning because it just felt too delicious to snooze...will keep count of how many days I'll be able to have the discipline to get up in time for that. In terms of eating healthy I did pretty well...I went to the farmer's market after the chiropractor and got some veggies, cooked some stir fried veggies and eggs in a sort of kale sauce I made up (could be better with spinach I think). Then I worked pretty much all afternoon and evening until 10pm or so and made some pretty decent money delivering food. Got pretty stressed out in the late afternoon because of some confusing orders but things became mellower after I took a break \ got some food (got a burger at this place that looked good I saw last week, I haven't had a burger in like two months because I eat at home so much I guess, it was quite good, I guess I'm keeping track of the fact that I had some refined flour there; I've been really craving a Boulder Rising Sun Tavern-like burger of good quality beef and blue cheese), and traffic died down in the evening. This job's starting to feel a bit exhausting. Once I got home I felt the need to just sit down at the computer and browse random shit, I guess it's a way to relax, kind of a habit, though also causing me to go to bed an hour and a half later than I might have otherwise. I'm noticing how difficult this habit is to break; I think the problem is I feel like I lose my sense of perspective when I have a long stressful day, next time I will just try to come home and go straight into doing some relaxing yoga, perhaps that would help me regain some mental clarity. Erm so: Morning meditation \ brief walk: 0 / 1 Avoiding sugar \ refined flour: 0 / 1 Early bed (before 11pm): 0 / 1 Something to work on : ) Grateful for: - when people I interact with for my job are helpful \ sympathetic \ funny \ grateful - listening to Edward Abbey stories I converted from audio to Youtube; especially "In Defense of the Redneck," hilarious... - feeling like I have more of a energy "battery" than I did a couple of months ago. - spending lots more time outside of my house one way or another

Day 75 Let's see, it's been a few days since I've posted a journal entry; things have been going along pretty well. I had a bit of a rest day from work on Wednesday and went dancing in the evening to my regular place. There was a lot of silliness and people dancing together, which was nice. Thursday I got a massage with the girl I've been seeing a few times for that now; it was really relaxing for a while and I had a lot of fun talking with her during the massage: about music, her plans to have kids with her husband, math, learning massage and different techniques, me moving, the wedding I went to recently We laughed a lot and it was quite a unique experience, I've never had such a great conversation while getting a relaxing massage, I credit her for making me feel relaxed and comfortable on the massage table : ) That evening I had a trafficky drive up to Los Angeles to see some people I knew in college play a show with the band they are starting to tour with. I also met up with another college friend and stayed at her house overnight. I was honestly pretty tired going up and felt a bit like I was just making myself going to be social and because I had made the plans, but I ended up having a pretty good time even if feeling a bit like I had to "act up" socially. By "act up" I mean that I feel like I feel more connected to the people I was hanging out with more by the fact that we have a lot of mutual connections and friends, but maybe don't feel like we know each other on an individual basis quite that well, and haven't seen each other in a few years. One part I really enjoyed was listening to the drummer who used to play in a different band during my college days and I always really enjoyed their shows at my colleges co-ops, very funky music that was fun to dance to; pleasant memories. I was pretty impressed by my friends' musical abilities, they were even better than I expected them to be and are treating their musical undertakings pretty seriously for a few years now. One interesting thing that happened was that I went to my friend's house where I stayed the night and we were talking one-on-one about a bunch of different things, and the opening came up at some point to talk about being addicted to gaming over the years and having a few different occasions of binging. I didn't really go into too much detail or really fully express how much it has affected me but she appreciated me sharing with her and took it as an opening to share something vulnerable about her own experience. After that we had a very open and connected conversation during which I learned a bunch about what she has been up to with her life for the last few years while falling asleep. While it felt nice to share this about gaming with yet another friend, it also left me with a lot of ambiguities and feelings in the aftermath, including doubts about whether it was a good idea to share this (sort of feeling afraid that she might think about it later and change her opinion of me or something of that sort), maybe possibly that we might need to know each other better for me to share this, confusion about our mutual admiration of each other in some regards that exists (there are some things she's done and some ways of her being that I genuinely admire; I think sometimes people, including her, tell me that they admire a certain quality about me, but I have a tendency to sort of dismiss it and tell myself that they simply don't know or see the extent of my "dark side" and that they wouldn't love me for my full self if they knew me better. Or something like that...is that just because I don't fully accept and love certain parts of myself? And if so, how do I love myself fully (as if there's a formula for that : ). Anyway, these are just psycho-babble thoughts going through my head I suppose. I suppose what I need to notice here is that it's difficult for me to receive a compliment like that and feel deserving of it. This morning my friend and I biked a bit in her neighborhood in LA to go get some breakfast, then I drove back home and worked a little bit, making some decent money in a short amount of time due to getting some larger food orders and hence tips. I was feeling very exhausted and drained so I called it a day pretty early and went home. I barely had the energy to cook myself some soba noodles with veggies and then I watched some documentaries and started rewatching an Ingmar Bergman movie I haven't seen in many years to relax. I was thinking of seeing my friends' band play another show further down the coast tomorrow night but I have been driving a lot for work and after driving to LA and back and I am really disinclined to do another long drive down to San Diego. I was going to hang out with another college friend down in San Diego but I guess I will call her tomorrow and feel it out depending on my energy levels too. I also made a phone call to my computer clients today and I have a bit more work lined up for the next little while. Even though I told myself I didn't want to work for them anymore, the driving job can be exhausting, a little variety may be welcome, and now that I've had a bit of a break from computer stuff maybe I can go back into it with a bit more energy. Really haven't been doing any sort of morning routine the last two days because of being out of town this morning and nearly missing an early appointment the previous day after sleeping through an alarm and then rushing out the door. I'd like to try to push myself a bit in a few areas. One is having a morning routine of a short meditation, a short walk, and maybe a bit of extra time to be slow like have tea and \ or cook breakfast. It's really nice not rushing towards something as soon as I wake up and creating a bit of a feeling of space in the mornings. I'll put extra effort into making this happen each day but I'm also not going to be too hardcore, maybe I'll have a period of 21 days where I just keep track of how easily this comes, how I think it's affecting me etc. I will also try to avoid eating poor quality foods (refined sugar is my #1 thing to avoid probably...refined grains are also up there). I've been doing a good job with this during this week since I've been also cooking a lot so I will try to carry this momentum forward and keep cooking \ eating healthy. The third good habit I keep needing to work on is going to sleep at a relatively earlier time at night. So anyway, I will just try to keep track of these three areas of self-care for the next 3 weeks or so and see what I can do to improve in these areas. Good night and best to you all on your journeys! Thanks for reading if you actually do <3 !

Day 72 Pretty good day today...I woke up rather late after sleeping all morning because I was just so tired from yesterday; one of the things that feels challenging is establishing a consistent morning wakeup time and routine; I feel like I am yo-yoing a lot back and forth between getting up early and sleeping in quite a bit. I am not sure if I need a different strategy other than getting up early one day, doing what feels like a good morning routine, because I might end up feeling too tired the next day from not sleeping enough. Perhaps easing into it and waking up at 8 every day would be better than getting up at 6 some days and sleeping in on others. I would also need to be more consistent with my bedtime. Anyway, I mostly feel good that I have been getting better sleep at night, it feels like my approach has been kind of like a bouncing ball, bouncing closer and closer to the earth but not quite settling into a groove; I'm definitely getting WAY better sleep than I was months ago and able to fall asleep consistently at night even if I end up pretty tired and needing to sleep a lot sometimes, and I'm grateful for that. Getting up early and getting things done just feels good sometimes so I'm thinking about how to be able to do that on a consistent basis. I think the challenging part is going to bed earlier than I have been. That seems like a much harder habit to change than getting up early now and then. On the topic of a morning routine, I also think I need to ease off on some things if I want to do things consistently. I enjoy getting up, meditating, stretching, going for a walk, and maybe cooking breakfast, but I think sometimes my walks are too long and tire me out. Maybe more productive is to just have a short 10-15 minute walk I can do every day easily instead of a 3 mile hike I do a few times a week. Anyway, just something to try, thinking out loud here : ) I will maybe try this the rest of the week and setting my alarm to 7:30-8. Today I had to do a bunch of things around the house, phonecalls to insurance and work things which was often a bit frustrating and tiring. Also cooked a frittata in the morning. I went to the beach in the afternoon and relaxed and had a very relaxing meal of lentils from yesterday with tea in the evening then I went to work doing deliveries until quite late around 11pm. Overall pretty productive day.

Day 71 I'll be brief since it's late! Today was a really good day: woke up around 7am and did a 10min Headspace meditation, some sun salutations on my yoga mat, and went for an hour or so walk before breakfast. I then saw my therapist in the late morning which was really helpful, she had a lot of insight into how to think about relapsing (basically what Cam says: don't waste the time, learn a lesson from it); she was very compassionate but also challenged me to gain insight into how to think about this in a helpful way. I'm going to do my best to not be self critical and beat myself up over this; it wouldn't make any sense or help anyone considering it's over and done with, and it doesn't have anything to do with what I did today, which was a day when I felt like I did productive and helpful things for myself and others. Human, not perfect, end of story At lunch I cooked a yummy lentil dish with Indian spices and coconut milk after stopping at Whole Foods on the way home, then I worked for a while doing deliveries in the afternoon; had a Skype chat with fellow GameQuitters Alex later on then worked more late into the evening until about 11pm. Working can be a little stressful, or rather it's easy to become a bit tense in the upper back and shoulders especially from sitting in the car for a while. Today I took my harmonica along and practiced a bit in the car while I was waiting a few minutes between orders, which was a nice touch. Going to do a yoga nidra relaxation before bed, good night y'all.