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Suns

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Everything posted by Suns

  1. That's pretty wholesome of you my guy. The day I knew I needed to stop playing videogames I was crying through out the day because I knew I needed to let this part of me die. I don't edit my journal entries so they are the most accurate representation of my mind in that moment. Lately I decided to identify foods i can do without and what I refuse to be without. Candy, soda, most sugar, bread, ice cream some fast food, cereal but the main one is potatos. I refuse to give up fries and potato chips these things are far too tasty to go without. Lol I've overall been in a good mood and when I do feel bad. It's tolerable Me and my gf are getting closer on the daily. She came out and told me how much she appreciates my genuine openess and desire to work on my flaws. Her brother died recently, she says I bring a little light to her soul because she doesn't have to put a mask on around me as she does with other areas of her life. I was supper stoked to hear that. And thank you man, I wondered if people thought I was weird for how open I was being. Hearing it motivated you is warming to me and I thank you for boldly sharing. I want to follow you back and I hope giving up videogames goes well for you.
  2. 08 20 21 switching to a. Night schedule did throw off my routines I have amazed to maintain smoothie making (still delicious) journaling meditation all that is fine working out has increased which is great. I'm enjoying myself at the moment the next thing is to get into learning about animation and financial freedom. Yeah... I really do wonder what I can and become without the distraction of videogames. How much and how far do I push things I think this will be great. Anyways final day of my break method work. Day 9 who am I What are you holding back. I hold back on things I know I want to do. Instead of building additional sources of income. Learning about investing. Learning a skill. Learning about anything really. I love my girlfriend and even though it has only been 8 days I feel comfortable in saying she is the one I hold back on this because she has two kids and and the short time we have known each other but I want to be the step-dad and I want to committ to her so I will bodly speak this even though people may find me naive and stupid. I want to create a system that allows people to heal themselves for a lower price of admission. Something that generalizes personal growth so much that it is now seen as the cool 5hing to do and it's not normal to run and hide from your demons past and traumas. If I ideally so this I would do it through the form of entertainment and media. Music and animation would be the way of showing these things. I'm not sure but that's what I want as I know these are the mediums 5hat are best for me to speak to people through. I hold back because I know I lack the knowledge and skill to do this skillfully and people work for years to Hone these skills and here I am trying to make something impactful and meaningful it is too ambitious and stupid for someone like me. I will boldly put this out there. I want to be the father figure for my future step children I know I can be I would love a child of my own flesh and blood with the woman I love but I know I must be a man that learns to thrive not measly survive. I must lead by example and that terrifies me I have never viewed myself as the embodiment of positive masculinity but I know I must own it because I want it. I want to be financially secure enough to do whatever I want really. To give away to store away and to have when it is needed. I am aware I only have 1300 in my bank account and have Student loan debts with little financial and skills that are promotable and while it will take time and dedication to learn new things and I don't always believe it's possible for me to be that person if I trust and allow myself to dream and implement action I will be okay. I want to hone my body to be physically capable of doing flips and lifting itself up almost like a Tarzan that's ridiculous for someone with my level of fitness and no background in fitness. Lying about and where do you need to press all the way in? I lie about my confusion about what I want out of life because it enables my victim mentality and I am scared. What others will think when they hear about all the experiences I don't have. That the skills and things other people have been working on their whole lives deserve and are far more capable than me. As Tom mcdonald once said. "Angry I'm successful and a not a great rapper and you have been working stupid hard." I need to trust that if I want something have a faith unbounded by perceived limits and combine that with action that this will equal "pure fucking magic" I need this community to hold me accountable by not allowing my victim hood mentality and desire to control my outcomes by allowing fear to overcome and paralyze. What do you want our community to hold you tonachieve
  3. 08 18 21 It's been a nice 16 days things have improved fairly quickly or at least my overall experience of myself and life in general. I think I'd like to start writing more and doing videos and stop focusing on making money so much and focus on spending my time doing things I might enjoy doing career wise this leaves me feeling more motivated just not sure if it will turn into action only time will tell though I wrote down a feeling I have with food over a poptart I payed attention to how it made my body feel it was interesting to say the least and I didn't obsessively eat anymore food past that which was neat I'll leave it down below. Writing my thoughts out. I want to be able to share my thoughts more powerfully and that is done through writing and speaking publicly or outloudly. Today I ended up going to the gym and did 20 level 20 upper body things and that was great all things considered yeah when I brain tired structure I'm missing the point of the structure that videogame structure I ate a brown sugar pop tart and it left me feeling not quite sick but anxious like I want more like I want to eat anything and everything my mouth salivate at the thought of doing so. A root beer sounds nice. I don't feel overly bloated or fat yet but parts of my body do feel "gooey" but my mind doesn't care the urge to eat more I see no reason not to though my heart does ache a bit after eating it and so does the left side of my arm. I feel tense in my back and my left hand. That my be a good reason to not eat them but still.... I want more the pain. And what it could mean. Doesn't really matter. I have some salt and vinegar chips and even though it may hurt my stomach it doesn't matter.i want the food I want it and I want it now, I'm hungry... Water I drank from a jug of water I feel too much my mind is anxious that's okay the water it's taste is metal like maybe the plastic it's cool down my throat yeah. And that's pretty cool. Water leaves me feeling full with an after taste in mouth but I don't want it. Poptart Now my stomach starts to feel fat but still the urge and craving for me is there so why is feeling fat not a good enough deterant why does the desire for more food even though I feel fat over power that and it makes me feel gassy I still want it. It makes my facts stink and my burps feel gross I still want it.
  4. Wasn't aware I tagged you twice. Not really sure how quoting works. I'm not sure if you are trying to convince me of something or simply share your own experiences. My main reason for wanting commitment is now I have the mental resources to focus on more important things other than finding a relationship. Being concerned on rather or not I could get something better is a waste of current energy and resources. At least that's how I understand what you are referring to.
  5. 8 17 21 haven't really felt the urge to play videoganes I almost forgot why I even made this journal. I simply feel the need to keep posting. I would like to change up my approach to it by tracking thoughts throughout the day on my phone for different task I do so I can see how I feel and where my mind is. Other than that my relationship is going fine. I'm working out more and enjoying being able to focus on it. I'm beginning to tolerate difficult things again and stick to the. For longer without viseogames to clog up my brain I'm free to focus more which is great There are things like coding drawing investing I'd like to try again now that I can focus more. anyways here is break method Day 7 ping pong Instead of using people from my day 5 I want to use people I feel bring the worst in me or make me feel like a child. There is this guy I worked with and see every now and then that I can't stand. I hate how cocky and confident he is and willing to just talk to people and do whatever he wants not taking into consideration others. When I interact with him I do tend to get stiff puff up and tense myself almost as getting for an attack or something. How does my voice change? Sometimes I just stop talking to aid in the freezing others times I'll say one or two words with a deeper tone. Sometimes I'll talk myself out of it and sound polite and let go of my need to say something or "stand up" for myself. What are the areas of conflict involved with the game? It's usually anger, me feeling I need to bite my tongue to avoid a fight, jealousy, defensiveness, wanting to pick a fight, I can become shakey. Do any of these ping pong games mirror childhood experiences you observed or engaged in. I mean maybe often as a kid I would freeze up in the middle of a fight and not defend myself, other times I observed my mother being violent and yelling at my father but I try not to behave like that. I would complain when people would pick on me I wasn't really one for hitting back. I suppose the act of withdrawing to my hide to stay safe is a theme here or at least not behaving the way I wanted out of fear or a need to not let it bug me because then it would be out of my control. If I could control it and change I'd rather speak my mind about how annoying I find the person. Or ignore then without feeling lesser or like I'm losing or being passive for taking this route. Sometimes I'd like to lighten it up and give them shit back but only if I like the person. Who do you play ping pong with? My father What does your body language look like? It can be relaxed but when I start going on my rants about not liking my life my body tends to hunch over, stretch out or become protective in a sense. How does your voice change I become annoyed angry I tend not to want to listen to my father erratic to a point. What are the areas of conflict involved in the game. Mostly how my life has turned out. Their is always a sense of self vixtimiIn with him. Do any of these ping pong games mirror childhood experiences. Growing up I would get defensive with my father when he would come home stressed and start yelling at me like I forgot something or whatever. Or if people did something I felt powerless to stop it would turn into a whiney cry attitude or annoyance and withdrawal. Or ignoring it. I'm sure there are but I'd rather not if I don't have to. I've known this woman since high-school and we had a crush on each other back then. I was simply to passive to do anything back then. Fast forward 13 years later it felt the same interacting with her there was nothing forced and its very easy. Now that I've had time to develop my confidence and what not it's very easy love and feel love towards her. Most woman I meet just don't do it for me often times the physical attraction is there but mentally it's so lacking. I get both here...Who knows man but I am treading with self awareness. And communicating with her about how quick we are moving and if we have aligned goals and values. So far it's pretty good.
  6. So with day 4 of break method the topic was emotional homeostasis I found out that I have a tendency to be addicted to positive and pleasurable experiences to cope with my stress in life. This also made me question if I was in my current relationship for the right reasons. Ultimately I brought this up to my girlfriend and we talked about our goals desires and future to see if it matched or was similar it was a bit gut wrenching but I do have this pit in my stomach but we seemed to want similar things I will continue to monitor and communicate these things with her. We talk alot it's only been 4 days and we fell pretty hard for each other but it's rather energizing, easy, and natural. I tell her everything. She does as well. None of it pushes the other person away. I actually got my first workout in after two months yesterday and after talking with her I've been more motivated to get myself right not sure if all of this is considered healthy or not but I'ma run with it. Other than. That here is my homework from my break method class Emotional homeostasis. What emotions did experience with the highest frequency... 2-12 Alot of anxiety sadness numbness numbness yeah most definitely nu.bness some happy uhhhh I don't know man I can remember playing Sega that was fun laughing scared I mean I don't remember emotion like I remember happy or anger? No I mean I don't know iw what the emotion was I remember playing Sega that keeps popping up like yeah it was fun.. I remember fear like weirdness Confusion about things ummm I dunno shyness tell me what to do tell me what to do.blah yeah why am I even doing this course? Because I can't seem to motivate myself to do much in life. I struggle to manage my eating I struggle to not complain about my life and butch about not having money yet I don't learn about finances investing or building skills or passive income so what the fuck. Did I complain as a kid? No did I avoid things as a kid? Maybe? I mean liked kegis.like stuff. Lonely Avoidance maybe? I mean I could see pleasure? I mean pleasure yeah. Trying to feel good. I always did things that felt good. I avoid things that make me feel bad. Whatever made me feel. Pleasure felt tense it felt distracting I didn't like feeling bad as a child so anytime I felt annoyed sad tense hungry uncomfortable I would seek pleasure. I can't tell you where I felt them I can only assume it's where ever I choose to engage the pleasure. It could of been my stomach my mind my hands my penis my butt if I wanted it to feel good I'd find a way some more than others and 9/10 it was my mind 7/10 my stomach everything else is a mix. Eating, gaming, minor s3xual experimentation, being alone, talking to myself. I guess it originated from my parents divorcing I wanted my mother and she wasn't around I felt bad so I played videogames if I had friends not around I'd talk to myself to avoid being lonely. I often self isolated got angry and avoided things to deal with it
  7. I'm sure there are but I'd rather not if I don't have to. I've known this woman since high-school and we had a crush on each other back then. I was simply to passive to do anything back then. Fast forward 13 years later it felt the same interacting with her there was nothing forced and its very easy. Now that I've had time to develop my confidence and what not it's very easy love and feel love towards her. Most woman I meet just don't do it for me often times the physical attraction is there but mentally it's so lacking. I get both here...Who knows man but I am treading with self awareness. And communicating with her about how quick we are moving and if we have aligned goals and values. So far it's pretty good.
  8. This journal is fun I believe I'm 13 days strong I still want to practice I don't knowbi feel great right now I actually have a girlfriend right now it's so weird like I spent the entirety of my life chasing after women and never being able to find someone that after a week of giving up videogames I met someone. That was pretty cool. I guess videogames have been holding me back for a long time....anyways here is the results for the break method homework assignment today What irrational thoughts are plugging your energy right now? I suppose it could be anything with the woman I'm talking to I'm still a virgin do I have any right to be playful and sexual with her? I've also put in weight is that really all that sexy like can I be sexy with a few pounds sounds stupid to me. I'm tired how am I ever supposed to provide for her or take care of her and her kids. Is that my responsibility I like her... Can I do it can I really be a leader her leader is this toxic masculinity God I hate that term like fuck off pretentious price. I wanna be there for her can I do this am I just going to talk the talk make up a bunch of sit to make myself sound better feel better who's voice is this why are you always here don't you ever shut up I digress. I'm tired and I don't wanna hear it always questioning my abilities has a man where do you come from What common themes can I extract? Manhood what does manhood mean am I really a man is this how my father failed me? Like is a man supposed to sacrifice himself for some woman a kids his kids or does he learn to thrive and lead by example first self sacrifice sounds like a toxic way to make men throw away their lives without allowing them to build up any strength within themselves as people and men Thought category 1: you can't lead her or care for her Thought category 2: you lack what it takes to be a man.
  9. Good morning check in I suppose mentally I feel overwhelmed I did my meditation first thing in the morning pretty challenging stuff I want do it while sitting up and I did! But I feel back down after 30 seconds and laid there. I suppose I'm thinking about j alot it's been 13 years since we have talked to each other we never had a falling out so it felt right to talk to her and see where things could go it feels really nice to be able to chat with her it's like meeting up with an old friend. Very natural for me though she seems to be bringing up some anxiety through our current situation in the very least. Something I should bear in mind moving forward other than that I'd like to work out but I'm yeah I'm comfy working out seems hard fun useful but like do I really need to push myself that way like really it's the fat I have around my stomach that I want to get rid of so my diet should mostly be main concern I suppose or building a body that burns fat the most. Or both
  10. Holy shit today was rough I did the emotional work in my emotional repatterning work. And God that sucked the theme was you are who you soend the most time with and yeah I'll post below judge me don't judge me eesh. Other than that I'm not sleeping as much as I like I keep getting distracted with my homework and watching YouTube to go to bed on time. I need more sleep I can do better but also. Yeah I think I'm tired writing I did well with my morning routine ate well woke up earlysh journaled I could meditate better I fell asleep while meditating Well I guess it is all about self acceptance. Down below is my break method hw it's a long Juan. Day 2 you are who you surround yourself with *aka what a doosy* 1. J (I'm thinking about sharing this with her don't. want to use her real name or in the very least talk about it with her Dating /unsure I really don't want to talk about her What was happening when you met this person? We first met in high-school 13 years ago. At the time she was having a back and fourth with a boyfriend and we met in computer class fast forward 13 years later and we are both single and wanting to date. We never had a falling out or anything we just weren't able to move the relationship past friendship due to the circumstances and eventually went our separate ways this actually happened today which is why I don't want to talk about its a long distance thing I don't want no one telling me I'm too in experienced or that it's ridiculously fast but it's talking with an old friend and the comfort came really quick don't know why I need to justify my decision to anyone but I know its crazy I so badly want to be in a relationship with someone I am both physically and mentally attracted to and its there I think she again not something I want to share but has two kids from a previous relationship part of me thinks it's simping so stupid part of me really want to be a dad. The qualities I feel are light happy, anxious clenched unsure crazy too fast yeah definitely crazy. But also light hearted joy and laughter. First relationship ever. Two/ fake(yeah another fake name) Type of relationship: coworker What was happening when we met: we were just working with each other What qualities does this person amplify: Anxiety uncertainty creepy enjoyment from looking at her admiration for her playful personality. Honestly I don't talk with her much and I'm curious how this one will affect me now that I'm talking to someone. The thing is I find her attractive but everytime I'm around her I never know how to interact with her I don't think it's right to make a move on a woman with a boyfriend but I still hate pretending like I don't find a woman attractive it makes me feel like a nice guy that's just in the corner hopping g they break up so I can be like I have always love liked you. Yeah crazy I know but I feel I need to bring this up even though physically time wise we don't talk much mentally she's on my mind often when I'm at work or around her. Boy this is making my head hurt/ tired. Three my father: Type of relationship: father son combo What was happening in my life: he is my father What qualities does he amplify in me: Anxiety love dependence disgusting annoyance care happiness security. When ever we talk I always end up batching to him about how much I hate my life and it turns into a long tall about life and how it works I hope this isn't want my talks turn into with my potential girlfriend. Yeah he was always there for me and sometimes I feel I give up my sovereignty and complain to him almost like I want him to fix things for me fuck I hate this. So anxious typing this my teeth and body is clenching fuck off. But yeah he's my hero and also didn't teach me shit about being a man that thrives I love him and fucking hate him for not knowing how to teach and guide me. I feel joy speaking with him but also like a child at times. Fourth/ name (mangled the annihilator) the incubator *aka my mother* Type of relationship my mother What was happening in my life: nada she my mom What qualities does she amplify Sadness guilt responsible When I see my mom I don't see a happy woman I see a Wan who never did anything with her life I hope this doesn't affect my personal relationships with women. I feel conflicted I want to connect with her but I fear that is more because I feel bad for her as I feel she has nothing special in her life. Fuck her I do love her 5houfh she wasn't abusive and tried to be there for me but I was already in my late teens and and 20s at that point no reason not to be there all the sudden so I don't know I'm angry at her for not learning her mistakes with me and my sister and creating another little boy with self esteem issues with her now ex husband. Five/name jewbobbymansir(fake name for obvious reasons) Type of relationship:coworker What was happening: in your life when you met her. We work together we both hate/hated our job What qualities does he Mplify in me: We both alot like too much at times we eat junk and for a time I follow him around like a puppy for validation? Nah it's just. Comfort I like being around him he's a good friend he cares I believe but sometimes I feel I'm trying to talk him out of his negative moods am I gay? Nah. I do care about him though he makes me laugh and we have similar thoughts. He amplify negativity wanting to be a better example for him and others saver/fixer behavior. Too much holy shit this was alot I'm me tally exhausted I'm done for the night. (@ a teacher on fb)I hope I did this right. Also judge me don't judge me for this crazy weird relationship thing I'm trying to do with my #1 it feels so right and everything I could potentionally want but my brain wants to slam the breaks so hard while typing this. Blah.
  11. Today I started a personal growth program called break it can be somewhat intense to dig into why I am the way I am and to sit with it. Not sure if I will be sharing what I dig up from there to here. As it's not my program to necessarily share info on That being said it's day 11 of no gaming Edit I got the okay I'll be sharing Day 1 I wanna preface saying I went through this On the last one and it did help my first month of deployment. It was a different experience for me on a personal level my confidence was higher than usual I was more sociable but I unfortunately wasn't able to maintain the support system I had prior to deployment and the stresses of deployment eventually got me down. Now I've got some time on land so I tend to make the most of it by revisiting break. Recollecting things I never had much guidance growing up nothing around me was particularly abusive bar some critical remarks about my gaming habits from my mother who to this day I still struggle wanting to keep in my life. Think about how much you could accomplish if you didn't spend all that time gaming unbeknownst to me at the time I spent so much time gaming because I wasn't sure how to deal with my parents separating, going through school navigating relationships, health, hobbies, friendships, my future, it was a way for me to create my own friends through games like Pokémon runescape and Zelda. I could do anything and they were incredibly enticing. Unfortunately I never learner much about myself through this and it made me mentally fragile in my identity my father while very much a provider never knew how to motivate me to do things in life without it turning into annoyance or pushing me away. My mother was somewhat critical and her love was biased if I didn't game I was a good boy if I ate healthy good boy. If I read books good boy if I did the opposite I was wasting time. Now a days I have anhard time telling if it's her voice or mine when I enjoy/don't enjoy something. My father mostly cared for me but he was always working he was there as a source of security and comfort but not much guidance. I played with my friend Lewis often he played many games and so did my friend Gerald but as they got older they moved on from games and started smoking pot but we broke off and I turned to my videogames harder. At 4 I sexually experimented with two boys and at the age of 28 I have a hard time telling if I'm gay bi straight or not interested in sex. I always seem to push women away although I'm attracted to them. I will have sexual thoughts about men but that confuses me the thought of sex with them seems neutral. I've never dated or slept with anyone though it's difficult for me to let relationships build if I do feel a spark these woman are usually unavailable. So I get conflicted and try to get away but I'm still drawn to them. It's really frustrating for me. My father mostly was whom I listened to but as I stated it wasn't much guidance just some generic be a good man not a nice guy. God is always smarter despite never being religious don't spend more than you make and don't base love on a lie. Which the last one seems to plague me in dating. ( do I really like this person or am I just lonely) My sister was always the bigger gossip I always found it annoying. I never really made an effort to get close to people all people in my life past and current are because they talked to me first when I have tried to make friends with me being proactive it's always a confusing experience for me. Do I really like this person or am I using them for something I'm unaware of. Not a religious person always found religion annoying after being with my grandmother she made it seem more like a nuisance and a punishment. Never really contemplated death my dad always says said I want people to celebrate when I die. Being feminine or masculine was never pushed on me by anyone some moments I was called a little girl for crying or being weak for telling and not fighting back. I suppose I feel insecure about the fighting today. Yeah... I feel so damn inadequate about protecting anyone especially a woman I feel if it came down to it they would find me incompetent and weak.. so I usually avoid trying to lead them or be sexually interested don't want them catching feelings for a lousy man that won't protect her. This last one out of typing has bugged me the most I don't feel like a man often times and I wonder if this is why I feel so attacked or insecure around dominate personalities and authority figures. If I had a girl she would leave me for one of those more capable dominate men. It's always a black man in my mind jacked as shit and with a big penis too much porn I guess lol.......yeah inadequate in more ways than one can't sexually please or protect. This is already pretty long I feel so if I were to sum it up without editing I just feel inadequate as a person and as a man. Now I feel shy sharing some of this stuff over again.
  12. We'd August 11th I really don't wanna post today mostly because it feels like work. Another day gone by getting ready to start a personal growth program called break method I seem to do this often start run away start run away stop start something new. 10 days strong that's it? Feels like an eternity. Nah it's improvement shutdown brain.
  13. Do I have to get out of bed Tuesday August 10th. Yeah um no It's probably good for me but so is comfort. Comfort from What? Why does it matter if I want to be comfortable? Because it's bad for you. It makes you lazy and fat and lonely and unappealing and unattractive and gross you're gross. Oh is this why I can never enjoy lying down or resting or doing nothing watching TV or boredom or anything generally unproductive. Does this mindset help me be more productive or does it make me stuck when I find something enjoyable I avoid it. Can't have me enjoying life now can i....cNi?
  14. Today ends Monday August 9th I mean food wise I did well with.. stuff ummmmm yeah I. Sad like really sad I just want to metaphorically jump off a cliff nah I'm being dramatic coz I have an audience oh dear what do I write about today... I think I'm just worried it's been exactly one week since I stopped gaming and yeah I started a morning routine and rhats about it I mean it's cool but not much else much of the time was replaced with anime and porn and sleeping however I have been more social and I masterbated like 5 times in one day not bragging I just mean my sexual energy shot up all the sudden. Overall happier but like I will I ever find anyone to spend my time with will I get over my bad eating habits and actually get into shape will I actually find a way to start investing so I can have fuxk you Money will I actually take the time to develop talents and skills do I enjoy my morning routine I like smoothies and the meditations is all fine and dandy I miss my father I miss my father cooking for me I miss my father doing and solving problems for me I wonder if that's why I eat so much fast food or pre cooked food because u like having someone "cook" for me.idk I'm getting tired headache and all so an early night night for me
  15. Ooohhhh Juan week down its been nice Today was day two of meditation I did it lying down and I feel dirty both days were while I was still in bed I don't feel like getting up and sitting straight fuck you man stop telling me how and what to do.... yeah authority stuff like that has always been weird for me but I find it helpful I also don't feel like being judged by my roommate catching me in the early wee morning doing a t pose or sitting straight up when he first wakes up that just sounds creepy in pitch dark I've thought about telling him what I'm doing I'm sure he'd laugh but not think much of it it's just me being weird I didn't want to stretch or Workout this morning instead I showered I didn't sleep last night for whatever reason past week I had no problem getting in bed early by 9 last night was like nah 1 o clock I wasn't even on my phone when I first got to bed at like 8pm then 930 rolled around wide awake so I was off and on my phone until about 1 in the morning I feel wide awake right now not sluggish just waiting for the crash later on... goals I'd like to do them I joined a website called break method supposed to help with emotional and mental repatterning to help with compulsive non conscious behaviors used her before liked it wanted to go back to her now that I have cut out gaming. Working out as I said didn't feel like it 5hus morning I have a struggle/issue with creeping on women's Facebook sometimes often times using pictures on their for masterbation part of me wants to be like well I ain't gonna get to fuck em they already turned me down part of me wants to feel shameful so you guys don't judge me last night I tried it couldn't get hard tried porn still couldn't tried without porn still nothing I should but really I think I'm just lonely right now I've noticed a higher desire for socialization since starting this over the past week I'm wondering if my obsession with sex was far less sexual and far more a desire to connect with a woman and the confusing thoughts about being attracted to men was me wanting more intimacy with men brotherly bonding if you will I use to have sexual aggressive thoughts towards my mother and I brought this up to a psycho therapist turns it was based in a desire for my mother's love I never really got. I assume it's the same thing here unmet desire for intimacy and closeness friendship that whole jazz. Things I'm doing well 1 week strong playing around with smoothie recipes things I'd like to improve finding other things to do than arching YouTube vrv funimation streaming apps in general mindless browsing but I don't wanna I like and want the comfort right now... but I suppose next time taking time to day dream and wight up some goals might not be a bad idea.
  16. Today was nice I didn't get out and see the new state/city but I'm okay with this baby steps plus the amount of planning I need to get off base and into the city must be done in advance I realize the only reason I need to get out of the room is to socialize and for groceries and stuff other than that it's all Gucci I can draw code Workout "meal prep" Work on something from the computer all that good stuff. I just need to slowly build up to it and not burn out slowly add more creative things while minimizing consumption it socks how slow it seems but I think it's best to avoid burn out and what not. Nothing has to be set in stone at the moment I tell myself I feel sad watching my roo.ate play videogames try to not judge him I'm always telling people I quit gaming other than him so it's like normal I guess I watch my friends play videogames I sometimes get an urge but I accept ive moved on they can do as they please. I found myself angry at my father today for me being in an unfavorable situation. Why didn't you teach me about investing and business so I wouldn't have to work this shit as job I work now I know its not right to be angry at him or it is okay and he'll it is probably okay 5o blame him but showing some empathy and not attacking him would be the best to add to those emotions he wasn't abusive he provided and did his best with me I just don't like how my life t urged out at 28 and I can continue improving and making changes 8ts just painful someday knowing I have to work a job I don't agree with and have 3 years on a contract left I don't have fuck you money to just walk away nor do I have skills to fall back on... it's unfortunate but it's my current situation I think if I give myself time minimize distractions and focus and find things I want which should be doable now that videogames are gone I believe I can make a solid worth living life. I said hi to a cute girl today that was cool it's nice to hear a woman laugh when you openly tell her you find her attractive it's genuine attra too expression and I love it the honesty is wonderful and it feels better now that gaming is gone I might actually just being friends with woman for once instead of it all being sexual focused it'd be nice to connect with them in a brotherly sisterly way and use them each other to meet new people it doesn't always have to be sexual and I can continue developing myself cuz I want to be the best I want to be fore me Yeah that sounds good to me.
  17. Thanks for pointing out the kindness thing I was getting a feeling I was being too rough on myself and started looking into ways to better practice self acceptance your comment only reinforced I needed to be doing it.
  18. Today I decided to add meditation to my morning routine as I realized and as @Kona450pointed out I struggle with being kind to myself. I've read up and Meditation supposedly helps with that. The goal of meditation is not to be good at meditation but to get better at practicing self acceptance. I hate my inner world often I hate my behaviors I hate many things about myself my inability to get up when I want to my poor self control with masterbation porn and food the fact I haven't given myself the opportunity for a fuck you money stash or fund. But I don't think being super hard on myself is really all that helpful and my avoidance of things I should be doing and want to do is most likely a direct byproduct of this mindset and ignorance on my part I can tell my words are harsh towards myself dunno how long that will take to adequately change but with meditation I feel mentally clearer and responsive so it is nice as well as emotionally relaxed usually my journaling is more sporadic and off the top of my head and while that is still true here it simply has a less rushed feel probably with as many spelling errors but whatever lol Meditating, journaling, light stretching, protein smoothie and vitamins is so far my morning routine for the past week or two. (I starter before I quit gaming so it probably helped push me a bit.) Oh also I use wakeup for meditation I'm liking it more than headspace has both a free and paid for version.
  19. Doing an earlier journal today it's been my day off and I had a hard time getting up today and I'm sure it is a mix of things not having to wake up at 3 am is nice though I kind of like it. Not having anything stressful like work is another bonus the job conflicts with me on a personal lol still I have 3 years on my naval contract left. One day closer. Plenty of things I can do it probably doesn't help I had an unhealthy day yesterday and I was stressed I needed to not just do nothing I just wish it wasn't so destructive health wise the socialization and playing cards against humanity was great though the junk not so much. Man I've never been able to meet people who seem to want to be healthy must be something wrong with how I am or am not showing myself maybe I don't really want it or maybe I've always been to distracted to do it myself we attract who and what we are yeah that sounds right but still it can be lonely till then but I would love to be someone that can workout make money eat right be fit improve intelligence be social adopt hobbies and talents because I want to be better for myself not for someone else I'd love a partner but they always say be non needy Mark manson never quite understood how to be that maybe it was the videogames they always made me feel like a kid when I'd stay up late and when I'd burn all of my cash that way never made me reflect with a smile on my face can't tell if it was conditioning about being a grown man or if it was my body psyche and mind trying to tell me videogames were no longer serving me I suppose I will understand with time though.
  20. So today was alright I woke up much later than I wanted to I still had a healthy breakfast but didn't do any stretching I suppose it's fine small steps right I must have been tired I need to find some better ways of dealing w boredom stress and tiredness other than food and YouTube. I went over to a friend's house who is a heavy gamer I didn't play anything but I sat there eating candy food and drinking sodas while watching YouTube and vrv not much of a difference but I was with other people and not isolated still.. I know if I want a healthier lifestyle I can't spend much time with him. I'd like to build some muscle strength and burn fat it's just hard in the past 8 years I have never been able to fully xommittt to health bar a small period when 19. I'm hopping with videogames gone I can focus on it better.
  21. Yeah yeah another day Aug 5th 2021 I feel tired. Grateful for the fact that I'm alive and yeah it's also cool I have a job and a place to stay it's cool I got some dope friends it's cool I have the opportunity to practice Gratitude that I have the option to improve myself angry at all the bullshit but grateful I get to experience it. I'm not suppressed oppressed no one's Trina take my life I'm not being forced to do anything bar working in the military even then I could leave or walk out with consequences but still. Today I set out to work out and improve from my breakfast I did in fact do like 15 minutes of light stretching so small wind I didn't really do nothing about my diet but not mcdonalds I mean Wendy's that was the other base the days go on and I worry about my consistency this weekend I'll be off the whole day and it is scary what I will do to fill the void I wanna go on this group hike let's see if I can get myself a space and go. I did not accomplish further i.proving my eating well. My work project I did finish some work I had for work my parfq in particular. I didn't get qualified or signatures today not sure if 8 really care about this goal. But it is my current job it would be cool to make rank and I could always be wrong about my hate towards the navy like what if I didn't hate the military as much as I thought I might actually get qualified and be a wcs bahaha yeah .. it is curious to think about...... I suppose I must accept what I want to be better and accept my.lumpy body as is while I improve my physique. Focus on finding new hobbies and goals and check in with myself constantly. Cool man
  22. I've gone through so many different Self help phases and coaches. Dating related, being more honest, courage building, spirituality, pornography related, emotional repattering, this is the first time I've done one from a gaming perspective and it feels like I'm finally attacking myself from the right perspective. My point is don't be afraid to try different angles and get caught up on one methodology. Many of them are similar in mindset but a change in perspective slightly and focusing on the actual problem you are having can make a huge difference. So if you keep failing with one it may not be due to commitment issues it's simply a bad fit for what you need. I personally gave into my gaming addiction and quit personal development for two months and lived life to see what would happen if I didn't fight it. I was comfortable but not very fulfilled or happy. Still it was a way of living but I eventually was able to absorb the limit of the lifestyle and realized I was at a point of this is as good as it gets behaving in this way. The turning point for me was being annoyed that anytime someone asked me what I did for fun all I could say was videogames. Even though I knew I wanted more.
  23. Oh boy where do I start I have a headache today was a bit sad still I'm making progress I just watched the video that comes after downloading app and website blocker I've got rid of my switch downloaded a focus me app and put pornhub xvideos and xnxx because fuck it on timeout and will continue to do so its so weird watching a dude have sex with women and get off on it nah man I'm all Gucci no porn for me. I'm not a chuck maybe I secretly like it eh.... gross but seriously I'm good blocked YouTube and reddit for a day. My sadness is just eating a bunch of food but I didn't eat the fucking Wendy's I ate a giant bag of popcorn the root beer a kit Kat a sandwich pork beef yeah not the greatest but I did finish off a jug of water and some komboocha so not bad it's always a challenge maybe I should just allow myself to get fat and accept that I eat bad instead of labeling it as something g I have no control over I always choose to eat the Wendy's drink the soda eat the kit Kat even if it's overwhelming its not right for me to say it's cut I'm overwhelmed if I'm going to eat it I should just accept I'm eating it rather than saying oh it's my depression my sadness my happiness it's because I can't play videogames no MO. My problem my action my choice. Blah such a pain to make changes I'd like to start a yoga routine or workout early currently waking up at three in the morning going to bed from 7-9 so that's dope work is a little easier to fucos on I hate my job but I'm in the military so for now I'm going to have to focus on doing my best there getting qualified and understanding what I want and who I am without the videogames that chapter is closed so let's get excited for whom I can become yeah yeah.28 and onward will be my years to really see what I'm made of. I had good times playing yeah I did. A little sad but I'm ready to move on. I'm glad I can share this with others I don't have to keep the randomness of thoughts and what not to myself enjoy my fractured sentences and spelling errors free form journaling is the best and therapeutic for me. God damn auto type le.ee misspell sgit. Night guys.
  24. Tue Aug 3rd Today was a little different mostly sadness mostly thoughts of inadequacy old familiar thoughts of not being good enough for anyone that I have a sexual attraction to or even remotely interested in .. yeah...... The main things that changed is I didn't start the day with my usual morning routine and not as much sleep and masterbation always leaves me feeling a little icky. I dunno man I'm used to being this insecure and it's probably part of what I wanted to avoid by gaming.... no matter what I said or did I was never good enough for a woman I am attracted to she can always do better and more successful. I did however give away my nintendo switch and deleted or am In process of deleting my steam account waiting for it to finalize but I did Uninstaller all games. I'm going to miss grinding out my characters in dead by daylight also building up my Feng min she was Bae I even bought a skin for her I liked it was nice and it was fun to level up many characters for many perks while I let my runescape account afk in the background. I had many a fun time on dark souls 3 playing my oc Suzie suns. My pyromancer my tank and everything inbetween. It's a little bittersweet to think I'm never going back but yeah I think 28 years is long enough for gaming it really was fun but I've hit my limit and I can't go any higher in life if I don't let the dead weight fall. 🙂
  25. Day 2 August 2nd 2021 I was surprised by the effect not playing videogames had on me making the firmish decision to not play videogames really freed up much mental bandwidth today. I was far more sociable with friends at work. I was more upfront and honest with coworkers and higher ups about why I decided to quit playing videogames and the fact that I quit. Some thought it was silly others supported it happily it was amusing to hear. I am a little scared though will I be able to keep this up. I was very anxious and angry and agitated today I felt alot of aggression and sexual energy throughout the day and the mental fog was gone most of the day I wasn't feeling shameful of words I was saying or things I was thinking. Overall a very positive first day experience but as I stated above I'm scared that it won't last or that I'll find a reason to go back. Within the week I'm giving away my ps4 and nintendo switch that will leave me with my gaming laptop which I don't want to get rid of as it's a solid productivity laptop as well. So if I decided to continue learning about 3d animation and programming I have that. I'm just worried about relapsing with it. I don't know I see how important building a new social group is while going down this endeavor as of Sunday my first day of not gaming I laid in bed all day and watched YouTube and went to bed far earlier than usual. I just felt sad all day and then today it was more aggressive emotions. I'd like to get into new things I'm just worried I won't commit to this. However my mindset is if I didn't need to feel these things I wouldn't This is simply life's way of giving me what I need and not what I want.