[The Person I want to be]

Journal: Nov 30th, 2019: I still can't believe Brandi is gone... 15 years for nothing. I still don't understand why she is upset with me. I honestly was trying to be there for her. I saw this coming though. She hasn't been as close with me since I quit gaming. She never takes time to spend with me. She's selfish... but maybe I am too. I wanted to have a family that wasn't like my real family. I wanted a family of friends based on love, trust and loyalty... but it seems it was impossible.

Maybe because I'm a liar too.

I started lying when I started playing games.

I never really lied much before that.

 

I lied about how much time I spent playing, and I lied about spending all night playing. I would always say I couldn't sleep or I lost track of time. Most of the time, I knew exactly what time it was, but I was hyper-focusing and couldn't pull myself away. I didn't want to pull myself away. I was happy in the game world... Leaving that world meant I would have to face all the bullcrap i lived with.

 

So, after telling those little lies, it became easier to tell big ones.

I lie about not being upset sometimes because I try so hard not to shake the pot. In other words, I am a coward and I hate conflict. Even when I am upset with somebody, I try really hard not to be. Even when a friend upsets me, I don't want to upset them further, so I hide my pain in hopes that it won't happen again.

 

I also have trouble saying no.

I feel so stupid for being like that.

Is it bad to just want everybody to be happy?

It is, if it comes at my own expense... I realized that recently

But those bad habits are so ingrained in me that I just keep doing them.

A friend that ignored me for a month and a half showed up on discord one day saying she's a trash friend for not being around. I was REALLY upset. She was one of the 4 people who abandoned me after I quit gaming, but I forgave her instantly anyway, even though I wanted to say it isn't ok. I didn't want to hold a grudge and I didn't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive people. But I probably could have used a couple of days to think it over. Is that asking too much? So, she then spends the night the day after, telling me about all these other friends she spent a ton of time with. Saying it was BEFORE she stopped talking to me which I find hard to believe since she hasn't spoken to me in such a long time and she said she had only gone 2 days without gaming in the past week. She comes across as a liar but I hate to think that about anyone. I also wonder if that is me just guarding myself since I have had so many painful moments lately with friendships. Ever since she stayed over, she has only said a few words to me over discord. And only when I initiate. Well, I bought her 3 sodas when she came over. Like that, I just spent that laundry money on her without a second thought. She didn't even thank me.

Sometimes it is easier to let people walk all over you than say no.

Anyway, I just, had some thoughts about this situation. I should have put this friendship to rest years and years ago, it's really torn me up inside. I was just too much of a coward to do it.

This friendship did more damage than good.

It was an unhealthy relationship.

Now, I am going to work on me for the next year and see how it goes.

I have a whole new future to look forward to.

This isn't a self hatred post. This is a self realization post. When I hate on myself, I tend to be much more angry with myself and throw in a lot of self pity. I want to be a person who is accountable for their actions, a person who takes responsibility when it's their fault. That is what I am trying to do, as well as learn from these mistakes. It won't be a picnic to change all this, but I have to try.

[The Person I want to be]

4 hours ago, ismailkanaan said:

@Sashiku do not feel sad . our world has 6.5 billion of people ! and we have enough time to make the best friends over and over .

all of us have quit games or trying to do that , we are much better people than before . 

life is awesome because it contains problems !! yes problems are the best thing in the life becauase they force us to improve and there are nothing better than killing a problem and approach into a bigger 1 ! so we have to solve our problems positively and take them as a challenge ! 

i do not know why people feel excited when they see their hero on T.V facing problems while they feel sad if they got 1 in the real life! problems are challenges and they make us better humans  .

our life is a story , problems are challenges , and we are the heroes of it .

PEACE

 

 

You're right. Problems are important for learning and bettering yourself, and yea, solving problems helps you prepare for the next one. But sometimes if there are too many problems at once, it can overwhelm you, and that is when you lean on your friends. But what if you don't have any friends to lean on? What then?

[The Person I want to be]

Well, I didn't get to go out of town for Thanksgiving. I felt a bit sick when I woke up but it got worse as the day went on. I started to feel a fever coming on so I told my aunt I wasn't feeling well and if I could just rest a bit maybe I'd feel ok. Well, my other aunt told me to hurry up and make up my mind, and then my other aunt said "You don't want to get anyone sick so..." So I told her I wasn't going. Now my dad is SURE I skipped out on purpose, either because I didn't actually want to see him, or because I wanted to stay home playing games. WHY IS NOVEMBER SUCH A CRAPPY MONTH?! This month has been SO hard on me, I haven't had any time to recuperate after each problem this month. And they were all big problems, one after the other after the other. I just feel lost. Even when I don't game for 2 months, I still get accused of it. To be honest, I'm so tired of this, I almost just want to check out of life. Ever since I quit it has been constant negative things happening to me. I know that's because I had surrounded myself in negative things and now I am having to break free of them... I won't go back to gaming, I've come this far and broken away from so many negative things already, I just... I just wish I had some HELP.

Now, for Thanksgiving, instead of having a great time with my family, helping make noodles from scratch, I will be here, sick and nearly out of groceries for the month. All I have left is vegetable soup, packaged tuna and salmon, ramen and a couple blackbean patties. I didn't choose this, this is just where my path lead. No way was I gonna go to my dads and get everybody sick! I'm not an asshole. I'll take one for the team and let my Thanksgiving be crappy so that theirs isn't.

[The Person I want to be]

Things are going ok, but I lost another friend. My friend of 15 years. She was talking to me about how her life feels monotonous so I suggested she maybe find a hobby she enjoys and some friends who also enjoy that hobby and she took it all completely wrong. She has been taking everything I say wrong for months now. We just aren't connecting, it's like she WANTS to take everything wrong. In any case, she said she needed a break from our friendship and well... I told her that she has been this way for months now and I don't need such a negative person in my life. So, I told her I was done and we went our separate ways. 15 years down the toilet because I wanted her to be happy? It just doesn't make any sense. She seemed to think I was saying she didn't have any friends, but that wasn't anywhere CLOSE to what I was saying at all. Half the time we talk anymore she takes everything completely wrong, as if she's imagining it all in her head.

I am kind of glad it's over though. I have... outgrown her as well as many of my friends, which is sad, but reality. I am working on myself, I have been for 2 years, but they just stayed the same. I also realize that our relationship wasn't healthy. I clung to that friendship like a passenger clinging to a sinking ship. I was really afraid of being alone for a long time, I put 110% of myself into my friendships. I even spent a ton of money buying them games because I thought if we had a game to bond over, we'd stay together. In the end, and thousands of hours and dollars later, I guess glue and duct tape can only keep a damaged ship floating for so long. It's over but I guess that was inevitable.

I am going out of town today to spend Thanksgiving with family. I really don't feel much like celebrating but what can I do? I hope you all have a nice Thanksgiving.

[The Person I want to be]

On 11/23/2019 at 8:05 PM, BooksandTrees said:

Stay strong. It seems many people are also struggling right now so know you are not alone. The most difficult time for quitting is between 30 and 90 days in my opinion. Willpower only gets people so far. Where you're at is where most people quit and relapse. I can tell from the passion in your words that you're not a quitter this time around. This phase is when people start to realize things in their lives are difficult and they can't escape into gaming or other habits anymore. I think you're doing great getting this far and should be proud of it. Time to harness that passion for yourself.

You mentioned letting people down and I sense some regret and shame in your writing. I think you're at the stage of recovery now where it might be best to just sit there and explore these thoughts. Explore why you regret letting people down. Write a list out and read it back to yourself. Does it seem logical to you? This could be a good way to check and see if you're actually being fair to yourself. Sometimes we can only do so much as humans and you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to not let people or yourself down with procrastination and keeping your word. 

One thing at a time. Tonight is your thing right now. It's right in front of you. You have a few hours before going to bed. Explore some thoughts, exercise, draw something, prepare a meal for tomorrow, or even singing a few songs and dancing around in your socks on the floor could be fun. Maybe just doing a simple exercise like going from cobra to downward dog in yoga for like 15 minutes. Change your mental environment and if you're feeling cabin fever go for a drive for 30 minutes and come back.

I think you're doing great and I know you can get through these next few hours because tomorrow is a different day. Life is ever changing and so are you. 15 minutes from now could be a great time. You got this.

Thank you so much. People like you inspire me so much. I appreciate the positivity, can never have too much of that. And Yea, I have only made it this far once before, and I am hellbent on not going back. I want to move forward, not back.  And I agree, it is really hard between 30-90 days. I have game dreams, I am stressed, I don't feel great, and I am emotional. BUT, I am still determined. I just wanna get through this rough patch. I will take your advice to heart, I think it could be to my advantage to do such things. And no, I was not being fair to myself. I come from a history of self hatred, but I don't hate myself anymore. I say affirmations and try to stay positive and respect myself. I just, hate letting others down.

[The Person I want to be]

I'm ok. I had to calm down and collect my thoughts. I strongly recommend this song to anyone feeling down. I am still down, but much less so than I was. I just let small problems blind me sometimes.
 

 

[The Person I want to be]

Things aren't going well. I think I am deep in the throws of gaming withdrawal. My mood is terrible, I barely have an appetite, I have no energy, I can't sleep properly, I have cried more these past couple of weeks than I had in 4 months. And my self loathing has returned. I HATE letting people down! It's my worst fear, which is why gaming was my go-to. I could forget all the people I let down all those years. I don't want to forget any more, I want it to STOP. I hate that I'm not able to keep my word because of something as stupid as sleeping. I want to be a better person who keeps their word most of the time. I just want to be a good person. I don't feel so good right now. EVERYTHING is changing and I can just barely keep up with it. My friends are still nowhere to be seen, I haven't got anyone to talk to and I feel like I'm at a low point. But... tomorrow will be better, right? I have made up my mind that I will NEVER! EVER! IN A TRILLION YEARS! GO BACK TO THAT STTTTTTTTUUUUPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIDDDDDDDDDDD GAMING HABIT!!!!! I'M DONE!!! Look what it has done to me! Look what it's done to my family! I HATE IT! And I hate myself too for letting it become like this.

 

Maybe one day things will be ok, but right now I am having a rough time seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

[The Person I want to be]

Been procrastinating as usual. Kind of tired of it but dunno how to stop it. I am subscribed to ADDitude Magazine and saw this article today.

https://www.additudemag.com/why-do-i-procrastinate/?utm_source=eletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=adult_november_2019&utm_content=111919&goal=0_d9446392d6-e444cce18d-294636669

Turns out my procrastination is most likely due to my constant desire for Dopamine. Makes sense since I have always been into very stimulating activities like gaming and creativity. Gonna try to work through this with the suggestions they put down. Hope this works, My apartment is still a huge mess and I can't ever seem to tackle the chores. I also don't have a lot of energy and doing 3 loads of laundry last week was so tiring that I could barely move afterward. I hope I figure out this procrastination thing, but it's sorta been a life-long issue so It's gonna be a long road to fix it.

[The Person I want to be]

Doing well, did a lot of studying recently. Studying helps me keep my mind busy. I have had urges to play games recently but I haven't. I did think about playing scrabble on my phone but I think I want to keep board games to real life only. I might do a puzzle later, but all in all I am not doing too bad. I have been bored time to time but not too badly. My house is still a right mess, I did clean some of it but its just hard to get up the energy and motivation to do it. I really don't like chores but my apartment is horrible. I have to do something.

 

Here are some practice Cherokee pages i did:

[Maintenance of the PhoenixKing]

7 hours ago, Phoenixking said:

Day 13. "Priorities."

The business class is super interesting. I'm learning all about how to optimize your investments and money. Accounting gives me a headache, though. I'm not a numbers guy, but I do like finding ways to get around the system. But to be able to call yourself clever and find loopholes, you have to do the grind first and learn how the system actually works. Ugh.

I had to cancel my plans with my friends tomorrow night. Because of a scheduling issue I have to go to work. Oh, it's not so bad, I think. Making money and I see my friends often enough. Once or twice a month. They'll manage without me ^^ It was playing Call of Ctulhu. 

Tomorrow I'll have a busy day and Saturday will be equally demanding. Tomorrow I start the day with the recording of my radioshow. I'm very curious what the result will be. Hopefully it's all funny and compelling enough to be granted more than a pilot. I'd love to make an actual show and release it as a podcast!

In the evening I have work as a production leader in my cool acting job. I'm transforming more and more from actor to leader. It's funny that suddenly everybody comes at me with questions and I have to pretend to know it all XD I'm pretty demanding, though. Especially for myself. So I try to be as lean as possible towards others, because I know I can demand quality but tend to exagerate a bit.

 

Recent highlight: Had a lovely dinner with my girl last night and the improv class after that was amazing! I love it when they bring musicians in to help us learn stuff and play with music and rythm and timing. It just flew by! I want more! There's 3 more music classes coming up every Wednesdayevening and I'm planning to make it to them all!

Budget status: Gave my schedule to the coaching firm. Basically told them to jam as much in there as they could. I'll be without any money in about a week and I'd hate to have to go temping. Might as well try to go full blast, right?

My one goal for the next 24h: Get my paperwork and prepping in order for the next 2 days and then have fun at the D&D-sesh tonight

 

Maintained habits:

-Daily Japanese lesson - Winning streak of 9 days! I might break it Saturday, though. It's going to be hella busy.

-Make the bed - Still going strong. Even my girlfriend now does it because she sees me doing it. She says she does it for me, but I'm sure there's some form of habit growing there!

-Drink enough water - Nothing specific to report. I try to maintain it as best as I can and when I'm at home I usually pull it off. If I'm on the road, not so much.

-Brush teeth three times a day, floss and clean once a day - Did clean my teeth this morning! So with a bit of an effort, I can maintain this, I guess? I'm still not sure about the three brushes a day, though. Maybe I should adjust this to a more realistic expectation?

Wow! You have a lot going for you, just reading all that inspires me to want to keep going in my own life. I am going to be working on good habits too so perhaps I will journal them too. Keep it up, you seem to be living your life to the fullest and that is truly wonderful to see. ?

[Jay's Epic Journey]

6 hours ago, seriousjay said:

So the girl told me that I'm too young for her. This must be something similar to what heartbreak feels like. I wouldn't say I was especially attached to her but I really thought we had a great connection.

Oh well, all I can do is focus on the positives from this experience and push on. ?

Great job focusing on the positives. ^^ My Girlfriend and I recently broke up but it was pretty calm and we still talk almost every day. We decided to look a the positives and the fact that we had a nice experience, and that is important. Just don't give up, she's out there somewhere. ?

[The Person I want to be]

It's been a month since I last gamed. I am not even gaming on my 3DS like last time. I have't even touched an app game. I am pretty proud of myself. I found an extension for Chrome that lets me put sticky notes on any page I want. I put motivational stickys all over my home page. I also have been using a couple of apps. One is called Fabulous and the other is an audio diary. I have been keeping audio notes on my progress and things I want to accomplish which is super handy since hearing my own voice talk about my dreams motivates me and makes me more determined to never go back. Fabulous is great for establishing a morning routine and getting better sleep. I also use tide when I am having a particularly hard time sleeping.

[The Person I want to be]

On 11/4/2019 at 7:07 PM, CornishGameHen said:

I hope it gets better for you.  I understand how that feels to lose your gaming friends to a game.  I still keep in contact with two people outside of the gaming environment.  One friend I met in person and I discovered that she is my complete opposite in regards to personality.  In a game situation, sometimes it's a bit misleading as to how people really are in person.  She seemed a lot more outgoing in the game versus in real life.  Still, we're friends to this day, although I don't hang out with her often, even though she lives only thirty minutes away from me.  

With any friendship, I suppose it will take time to nurture it.  Good idea about making friends that are into other things.  It's an exciting adventure to search for new people to hang out with.  ? 

Thanks for the support. Unfortunately the friends I speak of have been my friends both inside and outside of games for years and years. One I met before I started gaming 15 years ago. Now that I am not gaming though, those close friendships are being tested and some even disappearing. That is the main reason I am upset. People in the games themselves I don't care too much about, its just my really close knit relationships that I am sad about because they are sadly not doing well now.

[The Person I want to be]

Went to see family for Halloween. Had a really good time. I did have some dreams about gaming and woke up a couple times thinking about what game I was going to play that day. I shook it off each time though. Right now I am feeling really lonely because all my friends game and we aren't talking like at all since I quit. I know they are a weak spot for me so I am going to just try to make new ones that are into other things. I still definitely feel lonely and a bit sad though.

[The Person I want to be]

Trying to get a new morning routine down, I saw the post about it and I agree. This morning I hit snooze ONCE, because my eyes were glued shut. Then I got up, dressed, brushed my hair and teeth, took my med and had a sip of water, then walked around the outside of building once. *it was cold! 44F!!* Then I checked my email and this blog. Going to work out with my aunt at 1pm so I don't have too much time till then so I will probably do some study time. *I just started applying myself to my online classes again in months.* I am about to complete Orientation 2 and move on to the final orientation room, section 3.

[The Person I want to be]

Hey. I haven't posted here in a while. Been too ashamed. Unfortunately I fell back into it. It's just such a familiar thing that I've done for years. It hasn't been as bad as it was back when I lived with mom, and I Have been doing some things outside of the house, but it's still so hard to separate myself from it. It's like a magnet and I'm a piece of iron. 2 and a half weeks ago I did the whole thing over again. Deleting everything, unsubscribing from gamers on YouTube and social media, etc. I even plan to delete all my passwords because I think I actually WANT to quit this time. In the past it was mostly out of necessity that I quit I don't think I really wanted it as much as I do now. Nothing prompted me to quit this time. No ultimatum, no threats of losing my home, no angry mom, I just did it. I really want this to be the last time. I'm so tired of this game, I want to live a better life and I am going to give it my best shot. I can't say if I will post here often or not, I have only told a few people because I don't want to put too much into telling people if I just fail again and everybody says "haha, we knew you couldn't do it."

I know I can do it, I just need to take a step back and focus on me instead of focusing on other's perception of me. I shouldn't care what they think. 

Anyway, that's all. Peace.

P.S. I am going to be volunteering for the weekly big dinner at the church just down the street starting soon, *don't have a date yet* so that is something I am rather happy about. I know the people who run it as I have been going to personal and professional development at that church every Monday for the past year and a half.

[The Person I want to be]

So, I'm home from my holiday trip home and I'm doing good. I did some Geocaching with my brother and helped take care of all of their chickens and their cat. I had a lot of fun. Some not so good things happened and I had an argument with my dad, but it's a bit much to think about right now. I did play the sims 4 once while at their place because I got a bad cold and had nothing to do, but I was too sick to sit up long and the game ran horribly on their laptop anyway so I stopped playing it for the rest of my visit. Instead I spent most of the visit during my sickness watching movies while laying on the sofa.

[The Person I want to be]

12 hours ago, Deku said:

As a fellow aspiring adventurer, I loved reading your intro post. I'm glad you made the decision to quit gaming and I think it was definitely the correct one. The world is an awesome and beautiful place, and I definitely hope that there comes a day when you (**obligatory pun alert**) find you aren't in Kansas anymore. ? 

hahaha. I'm glad to meet another adventurer. Also great to meet another lover of puns. ? I recently started Geocaching and that is opening up a whole new world to me.

[The Person I want to be]

Everything is good. ^_^ I downloaded a flash game but deleted it immediately. I am seriously done and I can't let anything change my mind.

I am feeling good about my decision.

[The Person I want to be]

Still doing well, no games. I need to do some work on my apartment and my online classes so I might not check in daily now. ?

[The Person I want to be]

Sunday:

I have been very tired lately and my legs and hands are swollen all the time so I don't feel like doing much. The swelling just started last week and It's like constant water weight. it's hard to feel like doing anything when you feel so heavy and tired. If I had insurance I'd see a doctor but alas, I still don't.

[The Person I want to be]

20 hours ago, fawn_xoxo said:

@Sashiku If you find yourself struggling with how to fill your time, I suggest goal setting and exploring your own mind as far as your desires for your future are concerned! Those can unlock possibilities, although scary, they are a door to small changes for our lives.

Thanks for the tips. I have been setting a few goals lately so I will continue with that. ? I will definitely try to set aside some me time to think about things.

[The Person I want to be]

Friday:

I worked out lightly and did some walking around the complex. *all indoor* I did a few dishes but still have more to go.

 

Today *Saturday* I am grateful for: Chores. Even though sometimes I feel I hate them, I am grateful for them today because doing chores means I am taking care of myself and I am healthy enough to do them.

Didn't get much done. There was an event downstairs so I didn't do laundry. Will try to do it tomorrow while everybody is at church.

[The Person I want to be]

19 hours ago, Silverlining said:

Awwwwww that is so cute! I love it!

So drawing is not just a hobby for you. You are an artist! I look forward to seeing more of your work ?

Thank you very much. x3

[The Person I want to be]

18 hours ago, Silverlining said:

I used to write. I haven't been able to write anything for the past few months even though I really want to. I have drafts of about 40k words over the years and most of them are just beginnings of stories. ? I am not giving up on them yet.

Do you draw from life? I guess drawing in a park could be good for you if you want to stay out of your room and enjoy your hobby at the same time.

Wow. That's a lot of words. ^_^ I get art block sometimes so I understand the feeling. And no, I mostly draw from my imagination. ^^ I freehand all my art as well.

 

Here is an example: https://www.deviantart.com/sashikuchan/art/Good-Morning-737898723

I did a pretty realistic piece recently but I used a reference so I don't really feel like it's my art. I don't ever use references.