The Person I want to be in Daily Journals Posted November 30, 2019 · Report reply Journal: Nov 30th, 2019: I still can't believe Brandi is gone... 15 years for nothing. I still don't understand why she is upset with me. I honestly was trying to be there for her. I saw this coming though. She hasn't been as close with me since I quit gaming. She never takes time to spend with me. She's selfish... but maybe I am too. I wanted to have a family that wasn't like my real family. I wanted a family of friends based on love, trust and loyalty... but it seems it was impossible. Maybe because I'm a liar too. I started lying when I started playing games. I never really lied much before that. I lied about how much time I spent playing, and I lied about spending all night playing. I would always say I couldn't sleep or I lost track of time. Most of the time, I knew exactly what time it was, but I was hyper-focusing and couldn't pull myself away. I didn't want to pull myself away. I was happy in the game world... Leaving that world meant I would have to face all the bullcrap i lived with. So, after telling those little lies, it became easier to tell big ones. I lie about not being upset sometimes because I try so hard not to shake the pot. In other words, I am a coward and I hate conflict. Even when I am upset with somebody, I try really hard not to be. Even when a friend upsets me, I don't want to upset them further, so I hide my pain in hopes that it won't happen again. I also have trouble saying no. I feel so stupid for being like that. Is it bad to just want everybody to be happy? It is, if it comes at my own expense... I realized that recently But those bad habits are so ingrained in me that I just keep doing them. A friend that ignored me for a month and a half showed up on discord one day saying she's a trash friend for not being around. I was REALLY upset. She was one of the 4 people who abandoned me after I quit gaming, but I forgave her instantly anyway, even though I wanted to say it isn't ok. I didn't want to hold a grudge and I didn't want to be the kind of person who doesn't forgive people. But I probably could have used a couple of days to think it over. Is that asking too much? So, she then spends the night the day after, telling me about all these other friends she spent a ton of time with. Saying it was BEFORE she stopped talking to me which I find hard to believe since she hasn't spoken to me in such a long time and she said she had only gone 2 days without gaming in the past week. She comes across as a liar but I hate to think that about anyone. I also wonder if that is me just guarding myself since I have had so many painful moments lately with friendships. Ever since she stayed over, she has only said a few words to me over discord. And only when I initiate. Well, I bought her 3 sodas when she came over. Like that, I just spent that laundry money on her without a second thought. She didn't even thank me. Sometimes it is easier to let people walk all over you than say no. Anyway, I just, had some thoughts about this situation. I should have put this friendship to rest years and years ago, it's really torn me up inside. I was just too much of a coward to do it. This friendship did more damage than good. It was an unhealthy relationship. Now, I am going to work on me for the next year and see how it goes. I have a whole new future to look forward to. This isn't a self hatred post. This is a self realization post. When I hate on myself, I tend to be much more angry with myself and throw in a lot of self pity. I want to be a person who is accountable for their actions, a person who takes responsibility when it's their fault. That is what I am trying to do, as well as learn from these mistakes. It won't be a picnic to change all this, but I have to try.