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Posts posted by Sashiku

  1. On 2/9/2020 at 4:41 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    I think it might be beneficial to find an apartment in a town with maybe 10-20k people living there. I did that and enjoy it. There's enough to do and it's not crowded like a major city of 50k-1m+ people. Are there any online exercise things you can try?

    I live in a town of 15,000 people. I have really enjoyed it as well... But I am a minority in more than 4 ways. I want to move to a larger city so I won't be so alone. Also a larger city means I will have a lot more things to do. I have a workout routine already, I just lack the will to workout alone half the time. I always had a workout partner in highschool and she always kept me motivated and I in turn helped her stay motivated.

    • Like 1

  2. On 2/7/2020 at 2:35 PM, Alexanderle said:

    I can totally relate to you. Even yesterday, I also was quite down, I wrote about it in my journal. But despite that, I will not give up. This is a process, a long way, and you should continue to follow this path. Don't give up! Here is the thing that could help you. You are afraid of outside. Afraid of the things, which are out there. They are outside of your comfort zone. I can relate to that. It is the same situation for me. But what I am doing is this. I don't just crash my comfort zone and reach the point, where it becomes scary. Those advices like: Go in a bar and approach ten strangers... They are bullshit. You should not do anything that is outside of your comfort zone. At least not, where things are scary. a651ec4346279fd73830c8dd4de6c8ae.jpg

    People think that it is like this. But that is not correct. Instead, there are several layers surrounding your comfort zone. You should not tackle those layers, which are basically trivial, like ordering a croissant instead of a baguette at the backery, nether should you go out and ask ten strangers for their telephone number. You should focus on this area in between, where things are exciting. Something you are juuuust capable to do. For me right now is to go to fitness classes on a regular basis. This is already a win, since I am outside. Basically, just leaving your appartment and having the goal of trying to smile here and then. Or trying to add one additional sentence to your usual routine. Whatever it is, how small it might me. Try to do it until it is not out of your comfort zone anymore. Now you can build upon that. Layer by layer. Overall, there is only one thing that you should be afraid of: Being in the same situation, where you are now in one year. Slowly expand your comfort zone. Just like I am trying. It is possible. I am a true beliver of that. 🙂 And I believe in you!

    Maybe you are right. I shouldn't expect myself to change everything all at once and especially not by doing dangerous things. Maybe I should just start slowly and change something doable but not too easy either.

  3. On 1/30/2020 at 5:24 PM, Erik2.0 said:

    Super nice pics of Colorado. I was wondering if you have any YouTube recommendations for getting better at drawing/drawing anime. 😄

    Thanks. 🙂 Sorry for not getting back to you for a bit. Things have been kinda all over the place. Hm, I don't watch any one youtube for tutorials, I tend to search for tutorials and just go with the one I like the best or find the most comprehensive.

    On 1/30/2020 at 8:46 PM, seriousjay said:

    OMG those pics. Wow!!!

    Thanks. ^^

    • Like 1

  4. On 2/8/2020 at 1:35 AM, Icandothis said:

    Hi my friend,


    You are being held and supported. I talked with a connection of mine who is also a therapist. She said one of the top things people struggle with is connection. I mean look at this... we are staring at screens trying to have some type of friendship with one another!! It’s crazy. 

    I hope you can find someone in real life who sees you and supports you. My therapist has been amazing. A good therapist will hold space for you... and provide a safe environment for all your emotions to come out. 

    Wish I could give you a real hug... but I guess a virtual one will have to do. You are loved and not alone my friend. 

    I had a friend in real life, two actually, but even they ditched me for games. I am going back to therapy myself, but idk how good mine is. Virtual hugs are always welcomed. ❤️

    • Like 1

  5. On 2/7/2020 at 4:03 PM, BooksandTrees said:

    I'm sorry your mom is not feeling well. Maybe there is a way for you to find a place outside to spend time at and get used to being out of your room. You could go to a coffee shop and draw and just get free water if you don't want to buy coffee or food. I've found yoga studios to be very inviting for people with anxiety and discomfort leaving their homes. Maybe you're not a rabbit at all and not needing to be a cat. I think just experimenting around different hobbies and places can have you find out you're a dog and you weren't comfortable being a rabbit (you don't sound comfortable at the moment) and aren't meant to be a cat.

    I will try to get out more. I think this whole lack of friends thing is really bogging me down. I have barely been going to workouts lately. Also there aren't any active Yoga studios I can afford that I know of. There is only one, and its private and expensive. No workout places either. We have one at the apartment complex but I am usually there alone. That is why I have to start saving every dime to move. Small towns are nice, but I think I need larger ones, even if I hate to admit that. Also my Dad has been stressing me out too, saying he is gonna drop in randomly. I told him off for that. He lives 2 and a half hours away so *dropping in* is NOT a good idea.

    I don't like dogs so I hope I am not one. XD But I get what you are saying. I have been working constantly on myself for the past 2 years, I am really tired. Maybe I need a break.

    • Like 1

  6. Feeling very low. Will be 4 months in 3 days but I feel... awful. I feel like I will never get to be the person I want to be. I am so accustomed to sitting here staring at a computer screen and the lack of friends has been very hard. I'm lonely and I feel dejected. I spent my entire life in my room, even as a kid. I dunno if anybody knew that. But that alone makes getting out SO much harder. I don't know how to live any other way, so I feel like a rabbit trying desperately to be a cat. I hope things improve... or who knows what will happen.

    My mom is also very very sick. SHe has a PICC line in and had a bad infection in her bones and had pneumonia. I am really worried for her, and honestly I am just sick of it all. I dunno why I am even trying anymore.

    • Like 1

  7. So, I really wanted to game last night, but then I watched some videos on the environment, because I have had it on my mind a little and that really gave me motivation once again to keep going and reminded me WHY I am doing this. Also, today I started a petition for a cause I STRONGLY believe in. Here it is if you want to sign it: 



    • Like 1

  8. 1 hour ago, Jordan2020 said:

    Well staying busy and finding things to do is great and all just don't let it become too much for you so you don't feel overwhelmed.

    No worries. When I was gaming, I was constantly doing something. I have ADHD, and if I just sit here, I go a bit stir crazy. I think having so much to do, is great for me.

  9. So, little update. I have been sleeping soooo much, but I got groceries Friday *see reply before this post for details lol* and I am generally ok. I will be uploading my first youtube video today! It's just  quick speedpaint... I just wanted to start doing SOMETHING that could help me with my boredom. Plus, I will definitely learn things from this experience. I am also working on a comic. I dunno when I will have a page ready, as I have to work on the calendar non stop next month, but soon! I just need to write down all the info first. OK OK! Now to the exciting bits! I have photos from my trip to Colorado! 😄 I will post them after this video gets done uploading. I can't do anything because my internet is garbage.


    • Like 1

  10. 5 hours ago, seriousjay said:

    The best way to deal with failure is to practice self-compassion. Beating yourself up over things has been scientifically proven to make it easier to justify doing the very thing you're beating yourself up over. Try to forgive yourself for messing up and resolve to do better next!

    This sounds like a great way to spend your time! Your drawings really are excellent, I'm quite impressed. 🙂 I think you need to give yourself much more credit for it.

    By the way, I'm very impressed with how you handled yourself during your trip. You really deserve a lot of respect for that. That's a lot of abuse to take, especially from a loved one. And make no mistake, what your dad did to you is abuse, whether he'll accept that or not. For that matter, whether YOU'LL accept that or not. You are an amazing person and don't deserve to be treated like that.

    Keep up the fight, you're doing great! I know it seems hard now but take it from me, it does get better. A lot better. You just gotta keep yourself moving in the right direction. 🙂

    Indeed. I had a laugh at myself yesterday, I was not having a great day, the cab forgot to pick me up, the evil lady was working at walmart taht day, and then I forgot the milk after i had already checked out and called a cab, so I SPRINTED to the milk, jogged to checkout, and luckly, a lady helped me self checkout quickly. I just laughed. It was a sucky day, but hey, it coulda been so much worse. I think my positivity comes n goes. Negative people definitely put a damper on it. But hey, you're absolutely right. I come from a place of self hatred, and I am trying to get past that.

    Thank you so much! 🙂

    It is, and you're right again. It is abuse, and that is why I don't spend much time with him.

    Thank you, I really appreciate it. ^-^ ❤️

  11. Been bored lately. I REALLY wanted to play a game today and yesterday to stop the boredom. But, I have come up with a couple other ideas instead. I decided making a youtube channel would be fun. I could do speedpaints on it and maybe do some personal stuff like weight loss and some other hobby related stuff. I mean, better than being bored. Secondly, I took some suggestions from family and friends and have decided to do a calendar made up of drawings, a diff one for every month, also some drawings behind the calendar part itself, but very minimal like, dewdrops on leaves for spring, and snow for winter months. Summer, probably gonna do flowers and autumn, probably pumpkins or leaves.

    I might charge a small fee (around $3-$5 per person) for the calendars since it costs to print them, and a lot of people seem to want them. I am also going to start up a comic. This could be a great way to spend the cold months. I just wanna enjoy my spare time.

  12. I'm starting to feel better, though I feel bad also because I completely flaked on coming up with a lesson today for my personal development class. I was so upset, it's like my brain was functioning at 40% all week. Ugh. Why do I have to mess up so much?

    Secondly, I have had dreams and thoughts about gaming. How easy it would be to just fall back into it because I still barely know how to deal with things like sadness and loneliness.

    • Like 1

  13. 9 hours ago, Erik2.0 said:



    Thanks for your kind words about finding friends. I struggle to hold onto the hope that I'll find friends and a significant other someday too. But they'll come.

    I read your post about feeling sad and lonely. That you cry sometimes in your grieving of two close friendships dissolving recently. I'm sorry to hear that. You aren't alone. I feel really depressed too sometimes and am diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. That's schizophrenia/depression. I recently got on antidepressants and they helped a lot with depression and suicidal ideation. Maybe you can call your insurance company and ask about seeing a psychiatrist/therapist if you have the health insurance for it. 

    I do a morning routine too. I pray, read affirmations and wash up. In the evenings I meditate and read the proverbs etc. I'm trying to get into doing a paper journal in addition to this and a paper schedule and google docs schedule. 

    God bless you and help you especially with your feelings of loneliness


    You're very welcome. You're right, don't give up.

    I need to go back to my psychologist for sure. I plan to do that asap. I have ADHD and Anxiety as well, though my anxiety isn't as bad as it was 2 years ago. I should definitely see about medications to help with this. I am glad the medication helped you, that's a great thing. 🙂

    Ah, morning routines, I definitely need to work on that. I plan on getting together a schedule and trying my best to stick to it starting this week.

    Thank you so much! We'll get through this! 😄

    • Like 2

  14. Oh cool. 🙂 Joining a class would be great.

    Yep, same for me. My best friend says you have reading stamina and it takes a while to build it up, just like physical stamina.

    Ah, well, learning is nice even if you don't use it much. I took some courses in Japanese in college. Don't use it at all really but it was intriguing.

    • Like 2

  15. 34 minutes ago, ceponatia said:

    I understand how you feel about your friendships. When I gave up alcohol a year and a half ago I lost almost ALL of my friends... not really because they didn't like me being sober but because I had been such a bastard to them while drinking that the shame was too much to stomach while sober. I'm also very slow to make new friends... I always get on with people but when it comes to actually finding people to spend time with outside of work or whatever... I just don't know how to make the first move. So you're not alone in that. We're still young in our new lives though and we'll find people that mesh with our new visions of ourselves.

    First off, I want to congratulate you on making such a hard decision and doing your best to keep to it. My mother was an alcoholic and it was very difficult for her to quit but she did eventually. Thanks for the kind words, you are absolutely right, I will find friends, and so will you. It just may not be as quick as we'd like. I hope you have a lovely day!

    • Like 2

  16. 16 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

    My plan for tomorrow:

    Waking up at 5.30. 

    Ready at  6.30


    Reading a bit for programming like at least one chapter


    reading another chapter


    a bit of yoga

    reading in my newly acquired book for my sauna job

    finishing the last chapter of the programming book.

    working out 

    doing something new, what I have never done so far.


    So here I have around 10 things for tomorrow. I can easily assess my success rate. Lets see what happens.

    Wow, looks like you've got quite a good list of interests and things to keep you busy. I know that was really hard for me at the start and still can be quite challenging. I tend to stay online too much because of that. I bought some books but I have barley touched them. I haven''t read a book in almost 12 years, at least not fully. But great job, and yoga too! Awesome! I really want to get into that myself. I think you're doing well, keep it up. 😆

    • Like 1

  17. 3 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

    @Sashiku What I would recommend that the next thing to address it one thing, with which you feel good. And there are so many things you can do to take care of yourself. All of them have an influence. Some things I do for instance in the morning everyday since many weeks: Opening the windows for some fresh air after waking up, making my bed to feel good about some order in my life, make some nice coffee, a skin care and grooming routine (I actually watched a youtube channel of a male model to learn stuff xD), a warm shower in the morning. Really just the little things -> they can pile up and want you to do even more things. Try to explore, whatever excites you 🙂

    Alrighty. I have a bad habit of getting online first thing in the morning, I mean, I am literally doing that right now. XD I just woke up a few minutes ago. I will try to start a morning routine like you suggested. I think that indeed may help.

    • Like 1

  18. 38 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I'm struggling a bit tonight. I'd really like to relapse and watch porn for a while. I'm eager to see women. I have been the center of many social situations where I've been surrounded by women and it's happening because I'm more confident, putting myself in better situations, and making my eye contact with them. I also saw one of the most attractive women in my life in the office next door to mine. She was unreal. I really struggled after seeing her. It made me eager to get home after work and watch porn.

    I didn't though. I know that the correct thing to do is go out and socialize and maybe meet someone similar to her. I clearly have no issues talking to women so if I inserted myself into correct situations I'd inevitably meet someone of her caliber attractiveness or more. 

    Something I realized is that I used to get into bed and not fall asleep right away. I'd try to read for a while on my phone and search for something. I'd grow frustrated searching for articles to read so I'd go to YouTube videos. Those never really worked and eventually I'd become aroused from the random videos or article advertisements and watch porn for an hour. Then I'd be wired because although masturbation makes you sleepy, the addiction to porn makes you alert and awake. So I'd just stay up for an extra 3-4 hours watching porn multiple times and then getting 4 hours of sleep and becoming groggy.

    Now I'm reading my book in bed instead. I read another 40 pages of my book last night and want to read more tonight before going to bed. I'm more tired today because I socialized again with my friends after work. It was my second straight day of socializing. I feel my life slowly coming back to me as I'm talking to more people and others are taking action as well.

    I have to focus. I have to remember crying the other night while watching porn. It made me cry. It made me sick. It made me angry. I need to resist and just have control. Support myself.

    I am so proud of you. You are trying so hard, and look at what you're accomplishing! Becoming more confident by the day now. That doesn't mean that you won't struggle, it just means you have a goal and you are doing your best to reach it. That takes dedication and self control, both great qualities. You should be proud.

    Reading sounds great! I used to do that as well, I might borrow that idea from you.

    Wow, looks like your social life is growing, that's great! And hey, I think you are doing wonderfully, Keep it up!

    • Like 3

  19. 2 minutes ago, BooksandTrees said:

    I think you're super positive and filled with pure and happy energy! Keep your spirits high! You're making great progress. I'm glad to support you and thanks for providing support to me. 

    Thank you and I'm happy to do it. That's what friends do. 🙂

    • Like 1

  20. 2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:

    It's ok and it's also common what you're feeling right now. When you leave these communities and worlds of gaming and online sanctuaries it's so easy for these people to feel abandoned by you. Every friend I've ever made from the video games I've played over the past 16 years has abandoned me. None of them keep in contact with me anymore. I haven't played RuneScape in almost 1.5 years and none of them message me on discord anymore. I was their clan leader and introduced them all to each other. I was in voice chats with them for 6-12 hours a day and they don't even say hi to me or wish me a merry christmas. It's stupid.

    It goes to show you deserve better. You're going to keep going through waves of friends throughout life. When this happens it's just important to hold onto the positive memories you have with them and move forward.

    Because you had friends that meant this much to you then you know you'll make even better friends in the new life you're pursuing. It won't happen immediately, but you will. I've met so many better friends in real life since quitting gaming and I feel like a new human. 

    I know it hurts that they're not in your life anymore. It's such a close impact to your heart. You have to look back and just choose to hold on to the good memories and learn from both the good and the bad memories. I've learned these kinds of friends aren't worth being sentimental over and it's not worth thinking about them so close to your heart. It's just going to weigh you down. You're going to meet better people, I promise you that.

    Great drawings, by the way! You have a fun art style and I think it reflects on your positive personality.

    You know, you're right. I will make more in time. I already made one, you. Thanks so much for being around to hear me out and show support.

    Yea, I made a journal of good memories, I put all the images and things in a folder and zipped it. Gonna put it on a flash drive for now and keep it out of sight. Yea, I know it's weighing me down heavily right now, but I think I will be ok after I finish grieving.

    Thanks! I like to draw, glad you like them. Me, positive? Haha. My aunt just told me I'm negative a few hours ago and that my negativity weighs people down. Funny huh? Then again, she barely knows me.

    • Like 1

  21. 10 hours ago, Alexanderle said:

    Hey, right now I want to strech myself a bit out and look into, what other people in this forum are doing here. So often, it is relatable to my own life. It may seem like it is all wrong and it is hurtful, but it is the right way to go. I also often cried, sometimes out of joy due to my improvements, sometimes out of the pure sadness of missing out so much in my life. And it always sucks to loose people, you had a good connection to. That being sad, lets get some things straight:

    1. If not gaming together causes the "friendship" to break, it is not real friendship. So why cry because of it? Real friends, who go through good and bad times with you; they are rare. You only want to focus on them. Even if only one friend will be left, it is even better than having 10 fake friends.

    2. Online friendships are not as rewarding as real life friendships. There is no physical touch, no looking each other into the eyes. Not this feeling of real togetherness. Some perceptual stimuli are just missing. So I would always prefer real life friendships.

    3. If you are saying that you are bad at making friendships, guess what: You can become better at it. It is a skill! Feeling socially anxious? There are techniques to help you. No idea, how small talk works? I know that feeling. There is also stuff that can work for you. For me the website socialpronow.com has been real useful. It offers a completely free social training with email newsletters. You have nothing to loose! Maybe it also helps you. It immediately had an impact on my life and even resulted in a real life date. Thats crazy. Never thought that this was possible. So maybe check it out. And if not, there are so many informative tools in the internet to start learning it. Just typing in how to improve small talk. It gives you thousands of search results in a fraction of seconds.

    4. There is a reason, why we feel uneasiness and pain: It is the only way to grow. If you are somewhere, where you have never been before, it will "hurt". This is where you have to keep pushing. I like the gym analogy: Muscle growth literally only happens the moment, where you are going too far. Where you have trouble to lift. You again and again try to cause this "overload". Then you rest a bit. It is the same with every area in life. If you are somewhere new, you will probably fail. Good! Keep failing! At some point you won't fail anymore. 🙂

    5. You are closer then ever to break through and amaze everyone. One year ago, I used pain and bad feelings about my whole life to start changing my diet. Later, I started working on my discipline, quit gaming and other stuff. The results are amazing. But it all started with this bad feeling over one year ago. But instead of feeling pity and just gaming I started to look into the far away horizon and started to change my life. Like drastically! Might not be for everyone. But yeah. Your succes is closer than you think right now.

    6. You are already someone else. The amount of decisions you made are insane. You are getting better and better. But your identity already changed: You are not a gamer anymore. You are someone entirely else. Very logical that some of your old friends don't want to be friends with you anymore, because you are someone else. They don't know you anymore. And chances are that they are jealous because of the things that you did and they are not capable of. If you want to go back to your old life and have your old friends back than start feeling pity for yourself. However, if you want to embrace your new YOU  than start to become really that butterfly that you almost are. Just start flying and live your life. Maybe even feel pity for you old friends, because they still are not there, where you are. 

    7. This is like the Sims. You just made some changes to this one character. Take care of you the same way you would take care of a sims character or basically your pet or any other person. If you have a dog, what do you do? You give him good food, you provide him fresh air everyday. You play with him and even if he is sick, you will go to the doctor and if necessary, force that piece of medication into his mouth. Why not treat yourself the same way: Good food, clean appartment (like you are already doing), real social life contacts, a positive attitude and a not giving up mentality. 

    8. You are incredibly talented with drawing 😮 

    Take care. 🙂 

    Everything you said makes so much sense. Let me go over each area and tell you my thoughts.

    1. You are absolutely right. My friendships have been not so great for years. I knew this day would come. and I even kind of wanted it to, still, 17 years of knowing somebody is a really long time. I met her before gaming, the other person I was friends with for 7 years and I met her online. I just am not used to being without them, you know? I do want to move on though.

    2. True. I lost contact with online people quite easily.

    3. I will give that website a try. I also just want to be more positive.

    4. Once again you are quite right. Once I get past the grieving stage, I will stand back up and keep going and learning and pushing myself. I didn't grieve at all the first month and a half. I just started grieving last week a little and then the past two days have been full of tears and mourning the loss of my friendships. Failing is a little scary to me, but not nearly as much as it used to be. I used to be terrified of failing. I'm not now though. It's how we learn.

    5. Thanks. My life has been changing constantly for the past 2 years. Sometimes it gets a little overwhelming that I have changed so much yet I have so far to go. Congrats on the changes you made as well. It isn't easy.

    6. I am someone else. And I REFUSE to go back to gaming. I can't go back now, there is nothing for me there. I know now that it's all a fantasy and the only way I am going to be happy is if I keep going toward my goals and dreams.

    7. I have always struggled taking care of myself. I'm legally blind so things are a little harder for me but even so, I wasn't really taught how to do a lot of things growing up. Everyone in the family says I'm 38 and I should know how to do all of this and I can't make excuses for it. I HONESTLY struggle SO hard. Nobody understands at all. THIS is the one thing I am  hardest on myself for. I get so overwhelmed with what I need to do and it just feels like climbing a mountain sometimes.

    8. Thank you so much. 🙂

    I cried when I read this, you have a way with words and I can easily see the points you have made. Thanks for taking time to read and reply.

    • Like 1
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