NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Pochatok
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Posts posted by Pochatok
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Welcome, glad to have you here! Played a similar amount of hours, but there is still more to life. Look forward to hearing you take back control of your life, however non-linear and confusing that path may be ❤️
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Did not relapse w/ pornography today- the "exposure therapy" is working, and let me share why:
What is "exposure therapy" in regards to pornography?
I watch pornography on purpose within a setting that is de-stimulating (less private, less intimate space)- this helps me react milder to seeing porn.What inspired me to try this?
My recent experiences of platonic physical intimacy. I got to cuddle and fall asleep, repeatedly, with a friend for whom I used to have intense romantic affection; at first, it was quite uncomfortable- I had to work through the urges to infuse platonic cuddles with romantic overtones. But, as time went on, I became a lot more comfortable just cuddling, just sleeping. And then, my feelings shifted too- I no longer have romantic attachment to my friend; our feelings towards each other run more consistently parallel, and I feel so secure ❤️ I no longer worry about impulsively acting out on my desires, or struggle to enjoy our relationship as it is now.-> With porn, I hope to gain a same effect- not by abstaining from accessing it, but un-learning my desire towards it. Only then, I will have a secure relationship w/ pornography, where I feel in control of my feelings and actions.
if memory serves me right, this was a strategy I utilized for video games, too, prior to starting my detox. I tend to track my quitting journey w/ gaming from day 0, but in fact, it started long before that. I would have never made it from 0 to 90 in one take, had I not done so much prep work.
Excited to continue down this road- every time I have an urge for pornography, de-sensitize myself. Remind me that this is not what I really desire.
Po ❤️
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On 4/5/2024 at 12:45 AM, Dark said:
1 thing i could do better
- Stop scrolling on dating app and go sleep
I'm curious, do you have a clear goal set for this? Imo, it's a lot less to stop scrolling when you have a goal rather than a limit. A limit is something like "stop after 10 profiles" whereas a goal is "continue until I find 2 profiles that resonate with me". It re-frames the ending/ceasing of the activity as desirable rather than forced.
That's how I browse social media- look out for 3-5 helpful posts that I "save for later" (and sometimes revisit). There is no doom scrolling b/c I am seeking very specific things. If I cannot find any helpful posts for some time, I tend to quit b/c of frustration.
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Another day- was able to implement the above exercise, sloppily. Did not have a walk long enough to review my plans, and set them for today- which is definitely related to my hour-long distraction into reading. It was certainly useful, but inefficient.
I want to make the most of the little time I have left on this planet. It will never be enough- but I can do my best.
Po
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Hey! Admiring your commitment- I will not game today either (tho, the weather is easy on me- the sunniest it's been all week).
Good luck on your journey- look forward to hearing about it ❤️
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There is always a bit of shame, often externalized- "games are not good for you". At this point, when I play games, it's more often for a valid reason than not- and I play 1-2 times/year (as in, 1-2 "sessions" where I play for a couple days to a couple weeks, and then quit altogether).
But, I only am able to feel so little shame b/c I know that my gaming is not habitual. I don't play games by myself, I don't play games to escape. I do play to connect, to learn, to explore myself. That's the only way, for me, to have a truly healthy relationship w/ games- to make them a means towards something, not the end.
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On 3/28/2024 at 8:45 AM, Pochatok said:
Day 1 again- relapsed yesterday, multiple times. While my preferences for content are changing for the better, I need to simply stop. Again, I must stand by my goals more deeply- it's too easy to forget.
If I want to live in the world of my dreams, I must change.
If I want to be free, I want change.
Every time I have an urge to relapse, I will remind myself of the two statements above. Is it worth to override them yet again? After all, how do I know that today is not my last day on Earth? Tomorrow is not granted.
I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, gaming, and any other forms of escapism. I am in tune with myself.
❤️
Let's go again.
Missed a cruicial part of my morning routine- journaling, dreaming, and praying. As a result, another relapse. I must center my intentions. Writing here is one portal for getting there. How do I maintain this routine w/ stability?
- consistent, successive routine: so far, I've been able to implement the following chain:
- wake up
- think through the dreams for 5-10
- brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up
- 2nd prayer- of gratitude
- ice shower
- outside walk
- exercise
Where would planning, dreaming, aspiring prayer, and journaling fit in best -> added in!
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wake up
- immediately get out of bed
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think through the dreams for 5-10 - brief prayer of gratitude as I'm getting up
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2nd prayer- of gratitude
- set my future self vision, dreams, and aspirations for today- 3 things i want to happen and experience
- ice shower
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outside walk
- review the plans for today, and recap yesterday- through a voice message
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exercise
- transcribe and expand on the voice message from the walk
- have breakfast - no distractions, no media. be w/ myself
- --- the day passes
- review the transcription from 7th point, and make plans for tomorrow + the next 7, 30, 60, 100 days (to be reviewed the next day during 6th point)
How do I ensure that this sticks? Make it public (by sharing here + my personal blog) and make it stick (write it down, physically)
I don't want to forget that I want to be free. I want to do the difficult, important things. I've been running away this whole week. It does not feel good. I am so easily distracted, and yet feel almost no shame for my behavior.
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Day 1 again- relapsed yesterday, multiple times. While my preferences for content are changing for the better, I need to simply stop. Again, I must stand by my goals more deeply- it's too easy to forget.
If I want to live in the world of my dreams, I must change.
If I want to be free, I want change.
Every time I have an urge to relapse, I will remind myself of the two statements above. Is it worth to override them yet again? After all, how do I know that today is not my last day on Earth? Tomorrow is not granted.
I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, gaming, and any other forms of escapism. I am in tune with myself.
❤️
Let's go again.
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Alright, let's get back into it, and w/ a strong identity recommitment first. It's never impossible to change.
I am not a person who indulges in any of the following:
- skin picking
- any other physically harmful coping mechanism
- gaming
- social media as escapism, rather than learning
- non-intentional learning of any kind (such as mindless reading, binge-watching, etc.)
- pornography
- any other emotionally harmful coping mechanismWhy is that no longer me: I must pursue my goals. I know that the world needs me- the world as I want it to be will never, never happen if I do not make it myself. And I cannot get there w/out my 100%. It will take all of us- and I need to start with myself.
I want a world where "work" is not a requirement for basic human needs, where has the capacity to be brave and do the hard thing, where there are no more (bullshit) jobs, where borders are a formality rather than barriers, where empathy and compassion is practiced more often than isolation and fear.
If I do not quit gaming, I cannot teach myself to do the hard things. If I do not quit pornography, I will not live a life free of fear and isolation. If I continue to escape my physical, social, emotional realities in any way, I will never be able to change the world.
I am no longer a person that engages in skin picking, pornography, games, and any other forms of escapism.
❤️
Po
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On 3/21/2024 at 3:16 PM, seekndestroy said:
A new book to read. That is what I wish to do also. It feels like I stopped reading books when Internet came. It's terrible. I loved reading books. When I was growing up. God, what I miss reading books. What did you read about? What is it about? Keep up the positive things you do!
Hey! That post is from over 3 years ago at this point- I have read countless books since, and am happy to share some favorites.
- Courage to be Disliked (and the sequel, Courage to be Happy)
- Parable of the Sower (and the sequel, Parable of Talents)
- Dark New Age
- Property Will Cost Us The Earth
- My Black Friend and Other Strangers
- Ecophobia Hypothesis
- Rehearsals for Living
- Beyond the Gender Binary
Also, I understand why you no longer read books- it is very, very hard in the current digital landscape. I struggle with it too- it took me intentionally quitting most social media for many, many months (along with games, tv, comics, and many other forms of entertainment) to resume my relationship w/ reading in a sustainable and compassionate way.
Let me know if you pick up any of these, they're all such wonderful reads ❤️
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On 3/20/2024 at 6:47 AM, Dark said:
Hey bro, how are you doing?
A week out for a work trip! Incredible experience, but I came back and relapsed immediately. Starting over today- day 0.
Why did the relapse happen: lack of intention, lack of reflection. I could have set myself up for success but instead set myself up for failure.
I find myself going deeper and deeper into "unsuccessful" ways of living, even though my character is as strong as ever. I'm appreciated by everyone I meet, people enjoy me and my presence. I feel very secure and confident in myself. Yet...
There is a clear lack of direction to my actions. I struggle to put simple acts together, feeling rather disoriented and easily distracted. I feel both at my highest and lowest at the same time. How do I move on from this?
Tomorrow, i will reflect more on this issue. For now- I am trying my best to live. Thank you for following me along.
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Hey! I don't want you to give up on yourself. I'm always here for you- I want you to live a happier life.
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Thursday entry: Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence...
No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way.
With that, I want to live by the following values today:
- positive obsession // get things done
- dreaming // see my path clearly
- clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future
- honesty // no lies to myself, or others
- movement // do not stagnate, keep activeLet's seize the day
--Friday entry: Day 2. I have been engaging in pornography, but in a very important manner that actually distances me from it. This is similar to how I engaged w/ games prior to quitting- by creating a different relationship that was not rooted in avoidance, escapism, and etc.. Once this was achieved, I no longer "needed" games, and therefore had an easier time quitting.
I understand the risks of this approach, but am already feeling much better about it. It's a lot harder to rewire my relationship with pornography by quitting cold turkey. Instead, I need to kindly, patiently recreate my relationship so that it simply is no longer needed.
Almost like saying goodbye to a friend with whom I need to part ways- be kind, compassionate, caring, yet firm.
Not one step back here. I want to keep learning.
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On 3/13/2024 at 3:13 PM, Dark said:
ALSO i feel like i am losing the life cycle. Everyone around is going throught camps, olimpiads and winning but not me. I need to focus more on this aspect and on money.
ironically, my advice is rooted in compassion, but I believe it to be genuine advice.
Stop comparing yourself to others. It's no use, and there is no greater enemy to your own freedom than social complacency/conformity. I know that you live in a Russian-speaking country, and understand that being in any way non-conforming is not an easy task.
However, if you simply try to chase for becoming someone else, you will sacrifice your own priorities, opportunities, and uniqueness. Instead, make a plan that serves you first- whether that includes winning olympiads or not is up to you. But all these social achievements should not be a goal in itself.
From my experience, once I was able to set goals that centered on my own needs and interests, I actually increased my achievements- my grades skyrocketed, and my skills in all areas of passion improved tremendously. But first, I had to do all of those things for myself. Not for the sake of achievement.
Again, I understand that this is difficult for you given where you live. But, I still recommend doing what you can to avoid conformity as much as possible.
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Hey!
Welcome, glad to have you here, and I look forward to seeing your journey!!!
Po
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Day 1 - another mindless relapse. I am not sure why I did not catch this in my mind as a violence...
No, I do know- because I do not let the bitter aftertaste of a relapse to sit with me. I quickly move on, like it's nothing. But it has detrimental effects on how I see and treat others, and myself. I do not want to engage in (mainstream) pornography because it is always, always turning people into objects. I want to see and accept people for who they are, not for what they represent. I don't want to see people half-way.
With that, I want to live by the following values today:
- positive obsession // get things done
- dreaming // see my path clearly
- clarity and presence // be fully aware of how my current actions influence the future
- honesty // no lies to myself, or others
- movement // do not stagnate, keep activeLet's seize the day.
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Day 1 - all good. some urges, but I know better.
Onwards.
My values are:
- greater purpose- to lessen unnecessary suffering of all those around me //
- whole-wellbeing // i am my environment
- deviance // conformity is a slow death
- integrity // unbreakable commitments
- discipline // nourish routines
- visioning // chart ahead, do not stumble
- presence // no passivity
- compassion // always breathe w/ kindness
- obsession // do not settle for effort
- clarity // act decisively
- determination // do not surrender
With that, I regret that today's morning has been rather slow (yet fast-passing). I did not set goals early on, I did not have a clear routine in mind, I did not create plans. Instead, I ran in circles trying to find an immediate solution to a large set of issues. Zoom out. Take the time to take the world in.Do not escape, do not narrow my vision- do not relapse ❤️
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So, on Day 7- relapse.
Did not set my values for that day, was two days journal-free, etc. . I am lacking a commitment to a stark routine, one that I will follow no matter what. Saturday, I simply forgot. Sunday, I spent all my day away from home.
Still, I have such strong regret for relapsing. It is a significant hit to my values. I know I can do better.
No more relapses. I want to be free- keep learning. I am missing a tremendous amount of discipline, commitment, and planning- and I am thankful to @Yan for helping me notice that.
Onwards:
My values are
- whole-wellbeing (the combined health of community and myself) // as opposed to individualism
- honesty, openness, and vulnerability - all interconnected and equally important // as opposed to closetedness
- deviance // as opposed to conformity
- integrity // as opposed to inconsistency
- discipline // as opposed to discontinuity
- visioning // as opposed to momentous
- presence // as opposed to passivity
- compassion // as opposed to apathy
- obsession // as opposed to effort
- clarity // as opposed to indecisiveness
- determination // as opposed to inclination-
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7 hours ago, Yan said:
Plan the next day in the morning in advance. Not knowing the plan for the next day hindered my productivity
Interesting! I do not trust my yesterday self enough to set expectations for my today self. I tend to plan first thing in the day, but not overnight.
I do set larger goals/dreams/systems overnight, but not the day-to-day actions.
Just some thoughts- you're amazing ❤️
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6 hours ago, Wise Young Man said:
that people recommend to only eat whole food. However, food such as red meat does add up to an expensive pric
My 2c on dieting: don't count calories, but commit to eating unprocessed, chemical-free foods. Yes, they're more expensive and give less "immediate" results. But everything, EVERYTHING else will result in significant health concerns later down the lane- decades later, but still.
I remember keeping a complex diet in high school, when I was obsessed w/ growing muscle infinitely. Did I succeed? Yes. But I lost enjoyment in my meals and cooking, I lost that sacred connection to my inner digestion cycles (i.e. ate when I was not hungry) and I gained disdain for the very process of consuming food.
Now, I have lost ~10lbs in muscle mass, but I feel so much fresher and at-home in my body. My food is a joy to both cook and eat. And, I eat foods that are beneficial to all of me, and when I am hungry- and therefore am at what I consider my "natural" weight. Some people would call that too lean, but it is what feels "right".
I feel free, most importantly, of contemporary conventional beauty standards- and that on its own elevates my mental and social wellness to a whole new level.
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2 hours ago, Dark said:
Don't know how to restore productivity
Hey! It's alright, your frustrations and fears are more than valid. It seems like you had a major disturbance to your plans, brought by things that are largely beyond your control. Be gentle w/ yourself- you're doing your best.
P
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Day 5 - what a horrifying day to wake up to.
I had a sleepover! Would not consider this a hook-up, but it also did not feel like any of my late-night romantic encounters (lol) before. There is a bit ball of feelings to untangle in regards to that experience.
For now, I can say that I was not kind to myself, to my deeper dreams and aspirations, to my future self. I am sorry for letting you all down. My relationship with you is far more important than any other, and yesterday I pretended like that was not true.
Doing what's "good in the moment" is a lie, because I hope to live another day. In fact, I hope to live for many, many days. I cannot, therefore, make decisions for the present w/out consideration for that.
No more sacrifice zones! I will take good care of my future self. Perhaps I've not been connecting to them often enough.
Po
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Day 4 - want to keep this consistent to mornings.
No urges today. I know that people who love me and see me are near. I want them, not a drug. I no longer need this drug, and I am cultivating better drugs- reading, resting, meditating -as an alternative. They're still drugs, and are to be treated with caution, but their benefit on my wellbeing will be always net-positive.
I want to be free, happy, honest, ambitious, passionate, obsessed.
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Day 3 - only three days, but going smoothly.
That date revitalized my passion for spending time w/ people rather than images. Main risk on my mind is forgetting my values, so let's recap them:
- Honesty
- Service
- Compassion
- Wellbeing
- Integrity
- Happiness
- Autonomy
- Change
- Adventure
- Madness
How does pornography's interfere w/ my values?
When I engage w/ pornography, i.e. dehumanization through sexualisation, I am not compassionate. The very process of sexualization denies one's full humanity, which is incompatible w/ compassion. To comfort this dissonance, I lie to myself when I watch pornography, and undermine both my "honesty" and "integrity" values. As a consequence of lying and living in alignment w/ so many values at once, I also become unhappier. As a result, I feel less confident in myself, which in effect stagnates my ability to change (as in order to change, I need to feel like I know who I currently am).Alright, so let's not watch it! Majority of my values are interfered w/ when I engage in pornography.
Excited to take it on tomorrow- I am already 5% done 🙂
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Ending the Loop
in Daily Journals
Posted
Today, I was not someone who was committed to quitting.
I am continuing a very mindful exposure course, but am not doing enough to cultivate a different set of coping/need-meeting mechanisms. Therefore, I relapsed when urges were strong enough. And, I did not set my values in the morning.
Today, pornography urges showed up when I was feeling very stressed. I need to re-wire myself into doing something else that actually helps: at the moment, porn is most desired b/c I do not have other effective coping strategies like talking to friends/journaling (relational expression), walking/exercise (physical expression), or singing/making art (emotional expression- as in bypassing conscious processing of emotions into feelings).
Perhaps what I am realizing most closely is that I've been extremely forgetful since February. I am no longer holding deep awareness of my values; I have no long-term plans. I am very present, very intent, but that intent ends with sunset.
I need to re-form my life again. Even if it is feeble and unstable of a vision, I need to have one.
So, today I will begin keeping track of four separate living modules: half-day plan (revised/extended in evening), 7 day aspirations, 10-week goals, and 2 year dreams.
Or, 7 hours, 7 days, 70 days, and 700 days. For some reason, this number has been working well for me.
Again, I do not want to make this public directly. However, I do want to make and publish artwork that will reflect each one of these. To keep this private is to never commit.