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mks

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Everything posted by mks

  1. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So today was I was depressed. Yesterday was also depressing. I got a little bit out of depression but it's still a way to go. I was outside, rode my bike, enjoyed my time outside. I am grateful of that time. But I am still figuring out why I have so much problems in my appartment. Will approach that soon. I need to get out of my appartment. As soon as possible. As I have no job right now it's a problem. Beating addiction, getting a job and a new appartment are the next steps. A lot to do and right now I am at a point were I often lose hope. Need a stonger mindset at this point of my life.
  2. mks

    Mks' Journal

    True I try to be the person who is just picking things up when I feel like it. Just feels good bringing things in order.
  3. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks for your openess. Yeah it's also something I will have to deal with my whole life I think. What kinda helps me was a talk from Jordan Peterson. Because I am suffering from a lack of purpose, the following sentence kinda helps: "Everything you do matters." This is something I discovered for me. It matters if I sleep longer than I should. It matters when I see something on the street which could be thown in the trash. It matters how I treat my appartment, cleaning it. Sometimes I try to outtalk this inner wisdom. I often know from my inner voice what I should do. Then I try to outtalk it like saying "it doesn't matter if I stay in bed a little bit longer". But everything we do matters. Even not doing something has a cause (we feel bad for not taking action). So it matters even those little things. I try to practice these things right now. It seems to fill that purpose void which is making my life a little bit more meaningful. Regarding falling back I think I will try to make it a habit the things I wanna do. I think at some point we may lose motivation which isn't reliable. Read the book "Mini Habits" on that. I think I will try to implement some mini habits which will maybe prevent the falling back, as mini habits are so easy, that we can't fail to do them (One pushup a day).
  4. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Yes I heard of it. Am doing something similar on my own. I am standing on a street where are a lot of people. It's a great practice anxiety wise. But group therapy would be the best. I was overprotected as a child. In conversations I also was hiding behind people a lot. It sucks. I was talking a lot with parents about problems instead of facing them. This didn't help to cope with life on my own. Right now I am stuck. It's like waiting for someone who is picking me up but no one will come. This is also a problem with conversations. There is no one who is holding my hand (sounds strange, but as being overprotected, this is something one part of me is still in...) I am 100% responsible for everything. But I so often fall back. I don't know why this happens. I was making so much progress but something happens all the time and I get into a reset where I have to start all over again. I have still no clue why this happens. It's like climbing a mountain and I fall back all the time once I gain momentum. Still figuring this out.
  5. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Made some progress with that. I think this comes from "having to say something really intelligent or something really funny". Or on a date "James Bond like confidence". I think this problem is related to perfectionism and unrealistic expectations. So in my case I "freeze" because of those expectations. Lowering those expectations should help with that problem I think. A good way would be to have no expectations at all when we talk to people.
  6. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So I am going the route of using a blocking software. I found a blocker called "Cold Turkey". I am using the approach of whitelisting. So blocking the whole web but I am unblocking specfic sites which I need for work or my Youtube channel and my own website. Let's see who it goes.
  7. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I had the same idea with acting classes. I will also look for group therapy. Meanwhile I try to be more around people and try to become more confident.
  8. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Making great progess. I found out my key issue, which is holding me back the most. I have problems expressing my personality in groups of people and around strangers. Mostly around more than 2 people. So when the conversation switches into a group of 3 people (me included) I have a lot of problems. I am really good in 1:1 conversations. I also enjoy being alone. Not all the time but I can enjoy it. I think that I would call myself an introvert. So my main thing I want to work on is being around people more often. Oh and there are two states involved: - Being present around people which makes me feel confident - Being stuck in introversion which I want to call "hiding, holding back, being shy" So yeah. I will stop working on technical skills right now. I will also stop working for a while. I will focus on building relationships and being around people in groups instead of 1:1 conversations. For me this is hugh progress as my problem can be defined now: "I have problems to show my personality outside of 1:1 situations."
  9. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Day 4 -Relapse day Today was a relapse day into porn. But all in all quite ok. I was doing office stuff. I also listened to this video of Jordon Peterson. Really like what he is saying. Related to my life - I am still in "Peter Pan" mode. I don't have any responsibilies right now job related. Also kinda in this nihilism kind of state. Those two together are a mix for depression. I try to implement the mindset of "everything matters and has meaning". Responsibility creates meaning. Today I was walking down the street and saw some platic dirt on the street. I walked across it and knew I could put it in a trash near this place. At first I was walking by but even this little moment has meaning and creates meaning. So I walked back, put it up and threw it in a trash next to the place. Meaning and responsibility can be found in every single moment. So let's take care and be a better human being one step at a time. Try to improve myself and will take on responsibilty as much and wherever I can from now on!
  10. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Day 3 Today wasn't good. I was really exhausted. But what I found out - the main thing I was running away from was and still is my fear of getting rejected. This fear is so strong, that I am constantly under stress and this pressure "to fit in". Therefore I have unrealistic expectations and perfectionism. Gaming and porn are awesome tools to avoid getting rejected. We feel great while we do it, maybe get social recognition and progress in general. But in my age of 31 rejection is already a problem. So I feel like being behind in life, which in itself is a kind of rejection of life. So what I think is, that we can not not get rejected. Through avoiding getting rejected life will reject us in a way because that's not what life is about. It's painful but now I know what I can work on. This is the single most important thing for me right now, as this behaviour is holding me back sooooo much. Update: I was socializing in the evening which was hard. Was out with some friends but it was challenging. They have another foundation and are way ahead. Hard to catch up. Followed most of the topics but couldn't talk a lot. So I was more of a listener. I hate this state, not knowing what to say and having no control. I really like 1:1 conversations and depth because of the control in it. But my weakness is in day-to-day talk, small talk where there are a lot of changes in topics... I gain a lot from deep conversations but know that there is also a benefic in small talk or things that are not going deep.
  11. Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Focused Life in a Noisy World by Cal Newport. Really like it so far.
  12. Thanks! Great inspiration! Will start with that too!
  13. May I as how you managed to wake up at 4am? Did you gradually lowered your sleeptime or was it one big step and fighting through the first days of being tired? My sleep schedule is still off and I tried it a while ago but still struggling with it.
  14. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Day 2 Semi-win today. I was sleeping til 8:30am. Was trapped in confusion what I wanna do. So I have the habit of looking inwards for answers. Sometimes this works. Sometimes I get lost. So I was kinda taking a nap which ended up in long introversion and looking for answers (like in the post above). Right now my priority is going outside as much and as long as possible. As I had huge social anxiety, which got better, I want to sustain that level and even get better. I want to improve my small-talk. And be more present when I am around people. There is this state of "not wanting to be seen" or "wanting to be seen in the perfect light of others". I found out that this is a problem of the fear of getting rejected. Not wanting to be seen in a strange thing, as this is improssible to achieve 😄. When I am hiding in my inner world mostly I act akward and achieve the opposite of not wanting to be seen. Haven't sustained a level yet, that I am so comfortable in "being me" that I still get trapped in hiding. It is getting better but I need more practice. This, by far, is the most important skill I want to improve. My technical skills in programming are quite ok. I am also very good in interversion and being alone. So being more social and outgoing is the main thing I wanna work on. Because of that I want to be outside of my appartment as much as possible. Talking more to cashiers and strangers. Smiling to people instead of being self absorbed. So yeah. In corona times this is a little bit hard but I hope to find a way to get into more conversations. I added photography to my list above. That's something I wanna do tomorrow. Grabing my camera and going outside. Update: All in all I more and more recognize, that I was running away from my problems. Games and porn were my place to hide. Since reading Digital Minimalism I am using way less media and I get a sense for my problems. My sleep schedule is a mirror of that escapism. Instead of waking up tackeling the day I am running away from it, sleeping in multiple times. So instead of running away from them I am now getting into the mindset of facing them! This begins with defining. I think Sam Owens talks about this "Problem solving is problem defining."
  15. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I really suffer from not knowing what I want in life. I really like to be outside in the city. Sitting in front of my laptop became something I not do hate, but I really dislike missing out on life - at least I have this feeling. With corona it's worse because right now I am at a point in my life where I want to change, meet new people, enjoying life. Related to work I have no idea what I want to do. I was working as a webdev but don't know if I want to go back. I started a blog around HTML, CSS etc. but I don't know if I really like writing about that topic. It's a hate-love relationship, because I want to experience life and well... sitting in front of my laptop is too much isolation. As corona is still a problem, isolation is also a big problem. But my biggest problem is, that I don't have a clear vision what I want to do or reach in life. I was in my bed the whole morning thinking about what I want - but there is just emptiness. Absolutly no motivation to do something. This emptiness is driving me crazy. I am so confused with that. I am missing purpose and meaning. Filling that (purpose) void is still a problem.
  16. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks for your replies! You both are right. For me this question also gives me a hint where I want to be, because when I think about where I could have been - well than that's excactly what I want and don't have right now. I think that's what David Goggins mean with "At first you have accept it, then you can fix it." In our situation it means fully accepting where we could have been by now. Visualizing that in every detail is a great relief although it's paradox. I think it's because we try to avoid the pain behind that. But hey! My whole life is full of these pardox moments 😄 But once we get hit by the full force of the pain it's way easier to move on. Throughout my life with focusing and meditation this is almost always the case - the most paradox things are often the ones that bring depth and healing of lets say the pain behind that which we run away from. Day 1 of my digital detox Started reading Digital Minimalism. I got stuck with my approach of blocking everything on my laptop because I ended up relapsing a lot. But since reading this book my perspective changed. It's a whole philosophy of which technology we let into our lifes and that we have a choice to set rules for them. One example in this book is only watch Netflix with one or more person. So no binging in isolation. He talkes a lot about autonomy, which is the thing we want to gain back and that our personality suffers because we feel are not in conrol over technology. As autonomy is a really important need, I like his approach. He is also not a fan of life hacks. He wants people to gain back autonomy and control over their digital life. So far this mindset really helps. Today is day one of my digital detox. Let's see how things will work out. 🙂 Today I was: - Reading a book at a lake - Looked for therapy for addictions - Bought some new t-shirts in the city - Did everything before reaching 1pm - No latop in the morning All in all did a lot to win the day. My fixed need: - Doing something productive, being active -> I needed that feeling of doing something. Only reading wasn't enough. Needed to have the feeling that I am making progress on something Rules for my digital detox: - Only visiting my own website where I can create content. So no mindless surfing the web. Only using it as a tool - My only free time on the web is reading in this forum, but also limited in time. Maybe around 20-30 minutes - I am not allowed to open my laptop first thing in the morning. Instead: I need to leave the house, do some sports, eat something healthy.
  17. I had a lot of social anxiety and know the feeling of being overwhelmed really good. In my case this problem was caused that I was afraid of being rejected. But I also had a really low serotonine level due to my depression. I did a lot of meditation but since fixing these levels I am less overwhelmed. I fixed it with a supplement called 5-HTP, but speak to your doctor and do some research on it, if you want to try it. Those two things helped me a lot. I am not completely free of social anxiety but my level of overwhelm is down to 10% from 100%. The main cause was that I had a depression and treating that got me less sensitive - but in a positive way. I have to go outside every day but since I am not so overwhelmed anymore I really enjoy my time outside. It's a little bit easier but still a challenge.
  18. mks

    Mks' Journal

    And then there is this scary question: "Where I could have been?" This question is super scary. Most of the time I was more in a state of rumination but I never looked at the situation where could have been. It's painful to admit that I made a lot of mistakes and it's painful where I could have been if I would not have started gaming/TV/porn...But this is also connected with relief. I was so scared of the truth that I was constantly running away from it. It feel good that I got the courage to look at the situation I am in right now. Feels good but also makes on part of me sad. It's like that "Yeah that's who I could have been." But in a more friendly way now. It's not that I "should be way further than now". I am ok with it, which is helping me to move on.
  19. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So today it was really hard waking up. For me not getting up on time is like an escape. When I am sleeping I don't have to worry about things. My question is now what I want to escape. Maybe it's discomfort. Not knowing what I want. But it's an escape. I wanna escape something. That I am not something special. That I have to get up on time. That I have to work like everybody else. I wanna escape reality. I don't wanna have to deal with all the problems. With all my weaknesses and stengths. I am weak. So yeah. That's one of the root causes. I am weak and trapped in that. And with every hitting the snooze button, sleeping in, I am giving myself the feeling that I am weak.
  20. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks man! Really love the community. Yes there is a lot of frustration and emotions involved. It's just too painful the damage it caused in my life. I think the best we can do is take full responsibility for our needs. Today I was sitting in my appartment and it got painful just staying there. I got up and went to a lake and was swimming for 20-30 minutes. It helped. But it's still a fight to get outside because of former social anxiety which is getting better because my serotonine level were out of balance. So social anxiety is a lot better since fixing that with a supplement. But what I recognized this helped a lot with my need of autonomy. When I feel like I need to go outside, I'll do that no matter what other people think. My need was more important in that moment than my feeling of social anxiety and what other people could think. But the need of social interaction isn't fixed with that. Will look out for voluntary work in my area to improve my social skills and becoming more extroverted. Fixing my sleep schedule is also important for me as I have problems starting the day because I have big problems filling that void.
  21. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Thanks for the reply! This is a good advice. I think I will go into a climbing hall. I once did this with a climbing partner. During lockdown it's a little bit hard as they only open on 06/02 in the evening. Hopefully they will lower the restrictions in the next months.
  22. Hi! I am 31, it all began with gaming when I was around 8. From this time I have built a strong connection to the internet. So gaming and internet are deeply connected. I was one of the first with a computer in school. Media played a big role. Watching TV, playing games, surfing the web. I was playing a lot of WoW which I have quit after playing it for 1-2 years. But my addiction didn't stop. Thinking back my gaming addiction switched into a Youtube, porn and gereral internet addiction. The whole instant gratification thing. There are a lot of warning signs that I have an addiction: - Having a lot of problems in social situations - Neglecting almost everything when I do have unlimeted internet access (socializing, leaving the house, sports) - The first thing in the morning is to go to my laptop, which ends in hours of wasting time - Not being able to stop although I know it has negative consequences The last one is hugh, because it causes most of the damage in my life. Although I know I need to socialize more, the addiction says "F*** that I don't need to worry about all that stuff when I am connected to the internet." Yesterday I recognized, that this state of being worry-free doesn't exist. Although the internet or porn or youtube is giving me that feeling - it adds up to much more life-dept. Doing it for one day and having a great life doesn't add up. But doing it for years, maybe slowly starting at 8, it created a lot of dept in my life. Recently I switched to watching Twitch. Watching streams gave me a sense of community and social interaction, which was great in the beginning. I was listening to the stream while I was working on my project. But all in all I ended up watching the stream instead of working on my project, so that it became a distraction. Instead of socializing I went to Twitch mostly just listening which gave me the feeling that I am not alone. But all in all this is just a way to cope with my isolation and lack of social interactions. Quitting Twitch means being hit with the full force of isolation. Reasons why I go back to my addiction: - Nothing to worry about (the main reason) - Hiding - Running away from problems === LIST OF ACTIVITIES === Mental activities: [ Practice piano ] Relaxing activities: [ Reading book, swimming, going for a hike, photography ] Social activities: [ Meeting with friends ] === LIST OF PROBLEMS === Last update: 13/10/2020 1.) Fixing my sleep schedule : 0% 2.) Having more structure throughout the day - making plans instead of improvising through the day : 0% 3.) Looking for voluntary work in my area : 0% 4.) Looking for ways to have more social interactions : 0% 5.) Going more outside: 100% 6.) Reducing the amount of regret, being resentful about things: 85% 7.) Getting a job: 0% 8.) Moving into a new appartment: 55%