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mks

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Everything posted by mks

  1. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Lesson learned - I have a addictive personality Yep. I have a highly addictive personality. As I told in my last post, I was trying to play WoW in moderation. It kinda failed. The reason why I will quit again as soon as possible is dopamine. I am super aware of myself and my body and how it reacts to specific thing that enter my life, like again, WoW. This is a hell of a dopamine machine. Really. I would place it in the area in which porn is also placed. Those two things combined are killing the reward circuit. What does it feel like? - Feeling numbed - Feeling like being in a swamp - Not seeing clearly and being less focused on my current life situation - Again losing interest in my surroundings like cleaning my room - Things get less interesting What I really hate is the losing of focus. It's like you lose access to your inner wisdom what's the next step in your life to move forward. As you move forward with quests and you get a lot of dopamine from it... well things get less interesting. So guys. Playing WoW in moderation will not be possible for me. I tried it. It's not possible and even not worth it. This will be a really hard stop for me. I will delete my BattleNet account. WoW meant and means a lot to me. Best MMORPG. And I really love that genre. But well... there needs to be a sacrifice we need to make in order to live a life in fulfillment. I will kinda say goodbye to that game as soon as I am prepared to get into a transition into the real world.
  2. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Hi everyone! I was not posting the last days. Cold turkey hit me hard. Having not work, suffering from PTSD and not being able to work because of that, cold turkey on porn and having no escape in gaiming got me hard. So I got into a gaiming relapse because of that. I know it's not the best way to cope with life, but I havn't seen any other option to get some time to relax. Reading and doing sports are still fine but I needed something to escape. When you have to cope with PTSD and having not job to work and almost being in an isolation. Coping with the symtoms got out of hand. And yeah. I am more into gaiming in moderation right now. It is helping me to relax. I know it's addictive but I will still have an eye on that. It was just too much to handle. Fulfilling all of my needs beside having PTSD. It was almost impossible. So as soon as I get healthy again, having a job, I will focus on quitting. But for now it was the best decision because of my current situation. Hope you are all doing fine! Keep it up and stay strong. Sometimes we need to escape otherwise I don't know what happend. It was way too much to handle for now.
  3. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Keep at it! It will get better! Today my need to socialize was not met, I was alone a lot yesterday and today. My body and mind needed validation around people. So I left my house, sat around people. Was in a shopping store. This was around 30 minutes and it helped ­čÖé Keep at it! No matter what need you need to meet - you are in charge! You can meet your needs - you are in control of leaving the house to be around people! It's possible ­čÖé I also updated my first post: 5.) Going more outside: 100% 6.) Reducing the amount of regret, being resentful about things: 85% [Way better] 8.) Moving into a new appartment: 55% Those three points are getting better. Going outside is almost no problem including social anxiety. I still feel akward around women... this is a huge problem. Made progress with moving into a new appartment. Also less regret about past mistakes. This is still problem, but I reduced a lot of suffering caused by it. From my list of problems in the first post, structure, talking to people is still a problem. Next most important step: I will focus on finding voluntary work because it gives my life purpose, structure and social interactions. Huge benefits!
  4. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Just one more update: My Problem: TV is taking up too much time (5-6 hours) My mind uses this as the new path of least resistence. I have lack motivation to do things that have some kind of resistence like practicing piano. This is a huge problem. It's a filler activity. I need to commit to one thing but I don't know what that is. I could learn and focus on practicing piano. I could learn and focus on design. I could start a YouTube channel. I could start a podcast. So I feel like the YouTube channel is something I wanna work on the most. I will go for it!
  5. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Right now I am have problems filling my free time. So I still don't have a real hobby. I switched to watching a lot of TV lately which is bad. I feel it's even worse than gaiming as it's really passive. I am not really motivated and stuck in this passive mode, which invites chaos into my life.
  6. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was good. I was in therapy. The hour-long talk was really helpful. After that I was in the city. This is getting better. So my social anxiety is way better than months ago where I was afraid to go to the city avoiding too much people. Right now I am seeking situations where there are a lot of people. Huge progress and stable. Spending time outside helps a lot. My problems are the evenings. I have a lot of inner tension when I am at home, with strong headaches. I have no real goal right now. Just wanna get healthy and out of my PTSD. I am grateful for... ...my friendships. ...my inner strength. ...having enough food. ...having enough to drink.
  7. mks

    Mks' Journal

    So this seems to work right now. My new way of life is "I decided to go a new route. I wanna lead a free and independent life." Right now this also seems to fight my addiction. I once thought about my addiction and behaviour behind this as freedom. Freedom meant to visit every side. So once my blocking system was not working, my mind was thinking "FREEDOM!". This is so wrong in many ways. This was my addiction speaking not my whole self. My whole self wants to lead a free and indepentent life." And this means free from my addiction. Since this "clicked" in my brain, I have an inner blocking system. I don't feel any urge right now to go back, because my free and independent life is way more freedom and independence than my "pseudo-freedom" the addiction wanted me to believe. I know this is fragile but I am fully aware right now of how I can beat my addiction without blocking systems like Cold Turkey. Right now it's day 5 of porn-free since my blocking system failed. But in a way I am thankful for that because I am more indepentent right now. This independence was not there with the blocking system. It was just another dependency in my life. Now I am in control. Not a tool or program. Keep it up! The best way to fight an addiction is really to decide to go another route. Whatever that is.
  8. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was a good day. - Spend time with a friend - Was outside in the city - Short time at a lake All in all it's getting better to fulfill my needs outside of the internet. So instead of being on a Twitch community I spend time in the city, where sometimes I meet someone, also get the have a chance of meeting someone for a relationship, practice for social anxiety etc. A lot better then sitting at my laptop. But it's tough. Once my needs are not met, my body is creating a lot of pain, so I really have to act, like going outside. It's hard mode or even nightmare mode. But that's life. We are fully responsible for our needs. But once we figure it out, we will be indepentend and free. This is my motivation and goal. I wanna be independent and free as a person. Being able to be authentic around people.
  9. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I just wanna escape. My PTSD symptoms are driving me crazy. There is one big problem. My go-to place to numb myself was porn, just to escape. But porn can trigger a PTSD so the go-to place to escape is not working anymore. It's impossible to get out of my PTSD when I am not in a save environement eg. no porn. Though I just wanna escape right now. Crying while writing this. The pressure of fitting in, behaving normal, becoming normal is just too much to handle right now. I just wanna escape. It's a little bit better now after writing this but the situation porn in combination of triggering a PTSD is way too much and beyond what I can handle. One weak moment of wanting to escape life for just a minute can cause a PTSD.
  10. mks

    Mks' Journal

    @Edz Thanks for your reply! Udemy courses sound great! I also like teaching. So I still have problems with my PTSD. Hope to recover from it in a week. My appartment was causing a PTSD which was a worst-case. I was living in a bad situation there. But I think I fixed it. I spoke with the landlord (hope it's the right name) and said that I will move out of the appartment as soon as I find something new. She wasn't amused but well... that's not my business. I just have to take care of myself and this was the best decision. So I am looking for a new appartment right now. Still a long way to go but I feel way better now. Way less suffering when I am in my appartment, as I take steps into the direction of moving out. Feels better now.
  11. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Right now I am focusing on building my own life and relationships I want. I more and more feel which people are good for my health. I don't wanna stay around people that are mostly negative and think life is a problem. Life is to short to be around negative people. There is a difference between opening up and complaining all the time. I wanna have to do with raw people. Since all my crisis I just think about life as to precious. I was around my realtives today and felt down afterwards. I will focusing on my friendships instead. Don't think I will build deeper relationships with most of my relatives. Just wanna move on in life and well... it's time to move on way further than I expected. I grew so much through my crisis, that I am aware what I want and what I don't want. I have zero urges to porn right now. Gaiming is also no problem, although I have urges to the upcomming WoW addon. Gratitude: I am grateful for my support system. I am grateful for all the people I wanna connect with. Best wishes to everyone!
  12. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Way way less suffering! So much progress in the last days made. Super proud of myself that I got through this. Keep it up everyone! There is always hope no matter how hard the times are. Sometimes you need months to recover into a new life, sometimes years. But when you never give up you will end at you dream life. It's so worth it to keep going.
  13. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Another PTBS was triggered. Quitting gaming is tough although I am more on NoFap focused right now. For me I thought porn was the problem because it triggered something. Today I learned that I was wrong. It's my appartment and the situation in it that is causing the problems. So my appartment is causing a PTSD. Worst case... I will be forced to go into a clinical environement until I find a new appartment or a solution for the problem. Can't think of another way out. So yeah... long way to go. Life would be to easy without obstacles haha ­čśä I think I will be out for a while and be back after I found a solution for the problem in my appartment. Until now I will not post a lot or any posts. Good luck everyone on everyones journey! Keep building a meaningful life! We can achieve it!
  14. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today was great! - I was walking at the lake for half an hour - I was driving to the co-working space but decided not to go in - I don't wanna mess it up - I was in the city and bought some things - Walked a lot in the city - I was swimming in the swimming hall [ done ] - Did the groceries [ done ] So I did two things of my list. My social anxiety was almost zero. At the beginning it was at zero. My bad habit is, that I am making myself smaller. So when I feel super confident on the street, I am down sizing myself. But all in all I am at almost zero social anxiety now and the symptoms of my PTSD are a lot better now after one week. Still a good way to go, but I feel better. This is also day 3 of no social contact to my contacts. This means it seems I am getting my needs met right now. Normally I would have cravings to go back to Twitch or porn to get my social needs met. Right now I am just leaving the house and be around people. Some talk to the cashier. This seems like to meet my needs. This is a huge milestone because this is the main reason why I relapse into old habits. So my needs to be around people seem to be met. If this positive trend goes on, I will have something against my addiction now. I am able and in control of my needs. Really huge milestone. The next thing is to get into work and improve my social skills to talk to people.
  15. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Quests for today (!) Going to swim [Easy] (!) Looking into the co-working space [Easy] (!) Visiting my old company [Hard] (!) Going to the grocery store [Medium]
  16. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Just one quick update. The problem related to my work: Since I started working around 10 years ago, one big problem came up: I am unable to build relationships with people that I don't know. This started in the first company. I was kinda there but I was also really distant. Hard to describe. The next thing that happend to me was that I was pulled into groups of people (including my girlfriend to that time) who were really good at connecting with people. So my skill level to connect with people was poor to non-existent. I think this comes from gaming and porn and some things from my childhood. So yeah. I know this since I am around 8-9 years old where I recognized, that I am not as good at connecting with people as other people. Just wanted to share this with you because I found out that I long for connections with people. I want to build meaningful relationships. If I would wish myself one skill to master, it's to build strong relationships with people.
  17. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was at the lake again. My main problem is, I don't know if I can work in my job again. I was working as a webdev. I have a strange relationship with jobs in general. I was overprotected as a child. Everyone out there is working in jobs that are not fulfilling. But they do them kinda sucessful. I wanna get into the mindset of "It's my job". This is at least better than doing nothing. And it's hard to start a new major... so I have to figure out how to make things work. Do you all work in a dreamjob? How do you handle this feeling of not being free? My mindset is not working right now, so I am looking for a way to be able to work in my job again. Picture of the lake today:
  18. This is the key to lasting change I think. When we can imitate this in the real world, so that we really feel the progress that a game is giving us as a feedback, this would be an awesome skill. This has also something to do with dopamine. Dopamine is released when we feel like we are heading towards something. A sentence that fits this would be "I want to move forward in life / [or that thing]." like a "Just one more quest." When we can transfer this into the real world this would be a super power ­čśä We need to get a sense of "moving forward" in real life. When we get this down we will gain a lot of willpower because of the dopamine released. Ales Becker on Youtube is talking a lot about this in his videos about WoW and domamine. Let's move forward! ­čśä
  19. Sounds like great progress! Keep it up!
  20. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was outside my home from 9.30am to 4:30pm. + I was hiking a little bit in nature + I was at a lake - no swimming though + I was in the city although I had severe symtoms of my PTSD. It was better than expected. NoFap really helps with social anxiety. I am on a 14 days streak. My social anxiety is non-existent. I am still a little bit uncomfortable around people after a while because I feel somehow akward. But this comes that I am not really secure yet. All in all this was a good day. Also no Twitch. I really feel like if would be a bad idea to go back. But today I had some urges to watch a stream. But it's still blocked. So I was in the city instead. Didn't fulfill my need at 100% but I was around people. I need to find a way to talk more to people. With a cashier I don't even small talk. It's just not personal. I wanna become someone who is more connecting with people. I don't want people to be strangers all the time. Most important goal: I wanna build more relationships with people. Second one: Become more self-confident (this is my last diagnosis of a personality trait. I had a lot and this one is the last one that I have)
  21. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Our beliefs are the level we play on in life If we have the feeling that we are not imprtant because of our childhood, we will have those limiting beliefs as an adult. I am so much into this right now because "I am not important" is the worst believe that we can have. This was the reason why I made bad business decisions. Also bad life decisions. I have a skill or practice to flip them around which reveals the opposite. The opposite for me is "I am rich". - I am rich of wealth. - I am rich of emotional connections to people. - I am rich of social connections. I will work on this when I am starting a new job. I want to make this a one of my core beliefs. Abundance.
  22. Your last post speaks to me. Encountered all of those things. I think the critical part is, that we have to stick to something long enough until the mind is reconnected to something new. I read in a book on digital detox, that it took around 14 days to re-enjoy reading (or something different). We have to put in the energy into something of value. Or in other words: "The grass is always greener where you water it." So we really have to cultivate something new that can replace gaiming or any other addiction. But I think the beginning of something new is always energy intense for the mind because it has never done [activity]. So it's akward in the beginning but the mind will eventually adapt. Best thing to start with this is a good job or business because it fills 8 hours of the day. That's where my focus will go once healthy enough.
  23. mks

    Mks' Journal

    Today I was at a lake with a friend. Spent time outside from 9.30am to 6pm. It's the longest time I was outside with a friend. So yeah. Like you said, @BooksandTree´╗┐s , it's not worth it to be around Twitch. I was asking myself what the problem is. The problem is, that we unlearn social skills. We don't read reactions of people. Real social skills are only developed in real life. Yeah I would have my need met, but sustaining social skills are only practice ourside of the home. In real life. With real people. So it's not only about fixing my need to be around people, but only the learn the skills to talk with them. Social/Soft skills are the most important and the least developed because of porn addiction and too much isolation. But I am learning. Today was a good day to re-learn how to talk to people. It's not awesome, yet I have a little bit of a anti-social personality. But I hope that with practice I will move forward and be able to handle a normal job again. From my mind I am clear headed. I have super sharp focus. My social anxiety is still quite ok. My PTSD symtoms are still hard to handle. It's day 5 since the symtoms came up. Normally to fully get out of those symptoms I need 2-3 weeks and to be at 80%. So I hope that by the end of next week I will be way stronger. My goal is to be in a job by the end of this month. No need to be outside of a job any longer. I just want the symtoms to be at around 80% before I start a new job. So there is still hope!
  24. mks

    Mks' Journal

    I think you are right. It's more longterm and fulfilling to call someone. My Twitch time is mostly watching passivly. Not being active in chat. But it's also all digital which means that I wont learn the skills to cope with stress in real life. It would end up opening the laptop in the morning watching a stream. So yeah, I think blocking it is the best way to handle it.
  25. Most people haven't figured out life by 50-60. (Quote from Gary Vee^^). So I think everyone has this problem. It's a problem that society is telling us that we should have at 30 or 40 when everyone has children and building a house. Everyone has his or her own clock. Slowing down helped me a lot. We don't die if we go at a slower pace. Reducing expections is also helpful. "Nobody but you can decide what is enough for you." Quote from How to be an imperfectionist We have control over our expections. You can decide what's enough for you. But when we fail to set it, we end up in "never enough". Nothing will be ever enough. Together with unrealistic expectations, this is a big problem of perfectionism, which I also encounter often. But it's really helpful to define whats enough.