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mks

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Posts posted by mks

  1. Making good progress. I move back to my old state, where I was able to work. So this is becoming good.

    Work will be possible in a short time I think. So I'll will be in a job soon I think. Which is great progress.

  2. Hey everyone! Hope you are doing fine! 

    Just wanna wish everyone a good day! Keep up the good fight! Also stay strong and fight
    for your rights, set your boundries right to people. Never let someone get pass them. 

    I did it for a long time and really... I lost so much years because I wasn't communicating right. 
    Learn to communicate. Learn to speak your truth. This goes way beyond gaiming, but in a way
    gaming and porn numbed me to the fact that I wasn't feeling it anymore. 

    It's just my advice from experience and when I would give someone advice what to learn, it's 
    staying true to yourself and learning how to communicate that. 

    Keep it up!

  3. Things are getting better slowly.

    Social anxiety is a little bit stronger right now, but it's ok.

    I make a lot of progress towards my mental health. As this is my most critical point right now
    (without proper mental health, there is no chance to stay in a job or relationship) I am making
    so much progress that I really feel a difference.

    It becomes easier to relax. Still a way to go but this is something really important because
    I don't wanna end up in another depression and burnout because of the inability to relax.

    I wanna cook more and healthy though. With a healthy mind comes also a healthy body.

    Gaming is somewhat still an issue - 15-30  minutes a week. It's my last resort when everything
    I learned fails, but as I am in conrol of it there is no need to cut it down.

  4. I am stuck.

    I have to say that I relapsed into gaiming.

    Being without work and having some mental problems... well it feels hopeless.
    Loneliness is creeping in because of the problems.

    I asked myself what's the worst thing that can happen to me, more or less the question
    about the thing I am most afraid of. This is something I am dealing with right now.
    It feels good to look at that fear, but there is still a problem with getting out of my situation.

    I have to find a new job which is super hard for me because of my mental problems,
    but it doesn't get better, so that I'll have to do the first step. There is no way around it.
    I need to find the courage to do it and then jump. 

  5. Looking for a new appartment right now. 

    It's tough.

    I am living in an appartment where I have some negative feelings in it.
    It doesn't feel like home. To much memories of the past. It hurts living in this
    appartment. 

    I get some help in finding a new appartment but it's tough.
    I am getting triggered in my appartment by some situations which
    causes symtoms of a PTSD. This is causing me to not being able
    to work in a job because of my health problems. 

    BattleNet account is still in deletion process.
    Looking for a new appartment right now. This has priority no.1.

    I hope that in the end I will find peace in a new appartment to 
    move on with my life, leaving my past behind.

  6. Just wish everyone the best! Keep up the good fight really.

    Sometimes it's hard to move on. Times can get really tough. Life is going to test you. 
    But you always have to believe that you can move on. You can always move on.
    There is always hope. Always. Never lose that. Sometimes everything around you
    is hopeless. But there is hope. There is always hope. Just sense into your stomach.
    Cry if you need to. But never give up. Life is worth living. Even when that mean that 
    you have to believe. Believe in you dreams. Believe in your goals. Believe. Just 
    believe that you can do it. If it's super hard right now always believe that your are
    strong. Stay true to who you are never give up. Never.

    • Like 1
  7. On 9/30/2020 at 9:56 PM, WhoCares said:

    Hey, good luck! Received mine a couple of days ago. 

    Great! Thanks for this motivation!

    I am almost through the process. Feels good right now. Just so done using things to numb myself.
    It's not worth it and worth the sacrifice. Although I loved WoW in the past. There is still something
    this game has. With the Shadowlands addon I am would really love to play it but it's numbing effects
    are way to intense for me. I know that I would lose track for my life and that's something I can't do
    right now. There are more important things to do. 

    Today I feel great.

    I found out that my appartment is one of the most triggers for my PTSD. I am living at my cousine
    right now for the weekend. I need to move out of my appartment as fast as possible. This has the
    highest priority right now.

    Wish me luke in finding a new appartment. 

    • Like 2
  8. Still making progress towards mental health. Did a great step towards a big topic. Gaming is not a problem right now. 
    Didn't play the last two days. 

    But yeah. There is still a lot to do. I want to include more sports into my schedule or day. 
    I also want to read more. But mental health is the most critical topic right now, because it causes too much conflicts 
    when I am around people. It's hard to describe. 

    Most of the problems already "happened" . So there is nothing that is really current in my day to day life. But the problem 
    with abuse is, that you tend to become abusive yourself when you are an adult. Today I was looking at this part of me and 
    it makes sense why he became so agressive - most of the time it's targeted against me - never to people.
    I totally have compassion for him but now I am concious of it. 

    That's the main problem. It's still there, this "negative" energy. But when you don't fully feel it you tend to create conflicts.
    Those are things like being mostly negative around people because of that past experience. This has nothing to do with
    the people I am surrounded with. But the negative enegry is still there and then it really becomes abusive. Then I really talk 
    a lot about my problems, putting weight on my friends etc.  Mostly this is the "victim" role i got stuck in. Nothing to blame 
    me about, but I don't wanna put so much negativity into my surroundings. 

    I think we all have that in us. There is darkness and there is light. We have both. But we have to look at both. I tend to 
    look a lot into the "light" part of me. The part that can have compassion, gratitude. But then there is also this part in me
    that can be really aggressive against me. And when I am a lot in that state I become negative and that's helping
    no one in the would. It's just creating more pain and suffering. Nothing to aim at, but to look at. Not looking at it doesn't 
    make it go away. It comes in making excuses, not saying the truth when we feel uncomfortable etc. But this adds up into
    more negativity over time. 

    But I think today I made a step towards becoming aware of these flaws. It doesn't make them go away, but I am not 
    taken over by them. Huge shift and step forward. 

    I think the best thing we can do is to invite those these negative feelings a let them speak. In my case it told me a story
    to now have full compassion and understanding for it.

  9. Short update:

    Great progress! The situation I described above resolved! Got to the root cause, which is always a relief.

    Gratitude:

    I am grateful for my persistence and my skill in introspection. I think I mastered it. I can got to root causes to problems almost the same day I get off track.
    This is a huge thing. I know I have some talent with it but I get really fast with it. This was like 2 hours ago and I got back in contact with me after a good
    chat. This is so huge because once you get in contact with yourself it's a great relief because you get hope from it and be way more present. Love this progress!

    • Like 1
  10. Things are moving forward. As I have mental issues like PTSD it's the most important thing for
    me right now to get healthy. In this area I make a lot of progress. Shopping was always a problem,
    but now I am super relaxed most of the time instead of stressed.

    Social anxiety is super low. It's still there around women. But this will get better soon I think.

    One big problem is "trying to avoid making mistakes". This can trigger something in me when I am
    in that state. I have some negative expierences with "making mistakes" in my past. So this can also
    be some traumatic thing. I think it is. Because it mostly happens when I try to avoid making mistakes,
    which get me into a state were I am not present and really stressed. 

    Thinking about it. This will still be something I have to work on because this has such an negative
    impact on me. You can't do everything right. Mistakes are a part of life. But somehow I had a negative
    experience with it so that I avoid mistakes at all costs (one of my biggest "flaws"). 

    Porn was my go-to area where you can't do any mistakes, but that's not working anymore still don't know
    why. I get a lot of health issues from watching it, so that I avoid it through the app FocusMe which helps
    a lot. Otherwise I would be lost. Being addicted to something that is hurting you mentally well... it's a worst
    case for me. 

    A lot of progess but still a way to go. 

    Will keep you updated!

    From what I learned working on limiting beliefs and your inner feelings, thing that put you off track, looking at
    those things have a lot of benefits and I think at the end of it is authenticity and freedom from your past.
    That's what I want to reach.

    • Like 1
  11. Symtoms are getting better, still a way to go.

    Still on WoW but I am right before quitting. Everytime I play, after around 30 minutes
    I feel numbed. So gaiming and having a clear mind of which direction I want to go
    in my life isn't working. So it's all about sacrifice. I can't have both. Clear mind or 
    numbed feeling from gaiming. I will always choose my clear mind, so that as soon as
    possible I will delete my BattleNet account.

    I don't play a lot and am more outside than gaiming. It's around 30-60 minutes a week.
    It's not a lot but it still has negative effects on my brain (brain fog/not a clear mind/distracted mind).

    I think that's it - it's a distraction the feeling I have is that I feel distracted.

    • Like 1
  12. Things are getting a little bit better.

    I am playing around with the supplement L-Tyrosine which is transformed into
    dopamine. Right now I am way better at dealing with stress. So it's really helpful.

    Will work on building an online course soon. I think this will be my go-to project.
    Experiences I earned - putting them into a course because I think they can help
    other people. 

    But before that I wanna be PTSD free. It's still a way to go but I am making progress!

    • Like 1
  13. This one is one of the biggest "milestones" yet - yet it means everything changes from now on. Why?

    I did a inner talk to my responsibilty - if you haven't done this yet, try it!

    Responsibility was something I always avoided. I was pushing it away, ignoring it. Doing harm to myself.
    Why?

    It went some sentences in this inner talk but in the end - the real role of responsibility is to help us grow 
    as a person. This is one of the biggest game changers in my life yet.

    I know that not everything changes in an instant from now on. But! My relationship to my responsibilty
    which can be seen as a own entity in our body that can be spoken or listened to, started today. It's the
    first time I recognized that I was running away from it. Facing it revealed the most noble goal ever heard:

    It wants to help me to grow. 

    This is so helpful. So lifechanging. Just perfect. If you have a same problem, start to talk to your responsibility
    like it is a real person. Listen to it. Say what you want to say. Talk to each other. It's the most important
    relationship you'll ever have and need to grow as a person. 

    I am at the beginning of this. But this feels like a real milestone for me.

    • Like 1
  14. Oh and what really helps me with all addictions I have is naming the thing I am addicted to drugs. So it's easier to stay away from them by calling them what they are.
    Best thing for me right now is to have a principle to live by:

    "I sacrifice the use of any drug."

    This makes it easier for me  to guide me through urges. But it's still a long way to go. Just wanted to share this with you.

  15. @gargamel Thanks for your reply. I think you are right. Don't think healing can be found only through getting to the root cause. We should be aware of it, yes, but healing it is almost impossible from my point of view. 

    Today was quite ok.

    - I was in the city
    - bought a new t-shirt
    - was at a lake
    - will go hiking tomorrow.

    Still not a lot of productive things in it. Will work towards a new job and build my own website (maybe). Work is a big problem as I was withough a job because of my PTSD for around a year now. It got worse over time. Well have to fight my way out of it in small steps. We'll see how this will work out. Biggest milestone is to get a job and to have the inner strength to withstand it and performe at it. 

  16. 14 hours ago, gargamel said:

    I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me.

    I'll follow! I will go to the library today and start the deletion of my BattleNet account. WoW isn't really fun though... it's just that I have some nostalgia around it, but playing both Classic and Retail are just not a good fit anymore. Feels like I have moved on with my life and playing WoW is a step backwards.

    • Like 1
  17. 23 minutes ago, gargamel said:

    I support you leaving WoW. Every now and then it crosses my mind how blessed I am that I am free of gaming, come join me. My brother plays still it makes me remember that games made me forget. It's like - yes, I do have 1000 goals i want and kind of need to work on in my life - but that doesn't even cross my mind cuz - "heeey, gotta do some grinding for my mats, later we are raiding and I better be prepared with pots for the gang" and my day is put into autopilot. 

    About leaving your past behind, I know the feeling. I'm slowly getting past it because I am making some progress with my university, so new challenges make it seem like past doesn't matter (and it doesn't - I don't care much for highschool anymore, and once it was everything to me).

    Thanks for your kind words! 🙌

    Yes you are right. Once you move on with your life it seems that the past isn't that important anymore. As I suffer from trauma it kinda comes from "getting healed" which supports looking into the past. But there is no ending. And life is on-hold while working on healing my past. 

    The funny thing is, once I feel fulfilled and make progress I already am healing in a way because I am building a new life. It gives hope and  a sense of being in control of my life and moving on. I lost that feeling in the process of "healing my past". So I really think about leaving my past behind and for a while not trying to heal past moments (if that is even a thing).

    Will have to start really flexible, cause looking too much into the past can get you into a depressed spot..."the slump". And hell this is so scary. I started "healing my past" and traumas years ago and it didn't really helped a lot. Sometimes it was necessary but in a way I am still stuck. So I will try "not looking for solutions in healing my past" and just move on for a while and see what this methods brings in regards to success and progress.

    • Like 1
  18. Long time no update.

    Right now I wanna leave my past behind.

    It's holding me back to focus on my future. As long as I focus on my past there is no moving forward.

    Still playing some WoW but it doesn't feel good. Really feel the dopamine and it has numbing effects, which I don't like.
    Losing focus for what I really care about. It's just around 30 minutes though. But will cut that down to zero soon. 

    • Like 1
  19. Great progress! My social anxiety is still at almost zero. 

    There is just one more problem left.

    As a child I was having a injury which caused a trauma. This is still a problem
    because once I feel like I am making a mistake, I will get back into that old state.

    This is the last thing left with my inner work. Once I get this resolved I will be more
    free.

    Gaiming wise I am at kinda moderation. I feel more satisfaction from going outside, 
    so that I normally don't play. I also lost interest in gaiming because other things
    are more fun.

    But I also have a strong feeling against numbing myself. I gain a lot from clarity in
    my life so that I don't wanna play games or watch porn anymore because those 
    things only help to numb myself. And I wanna stay clear as much as possible.
    This helps with every opportunity and taking responsibility for my life.

    Numbing myself is always painful in the end because I am not living to my fullest
    potential.

    So still a way to go but I made a lot of progess already!

    Keep it up!
     

  20. I am on a dopamine detox right now.

    The app cold turkey is active again with another app - Home Guard Pro.

    Need to make a restart with porn, youtube etc. It got our of control this
    weekend. Started out without a problem, but it crashed my whole habits.
    Wasted too much time this weekend and lost a lot of time.

  21. Worked on a website today made quite good progress. I will focus on this.
    I wanna help coaches build better websites that help them get more 
    people they can help.

    This is something I really like. "I help people who are helping people that 
    have a hard time." I also want to help people to get through hard times
    myself. Becoming a life coach, once I settle and have a little bit more
    confidence. But it's a vision I really like. 

  22. Started a request for deleting my BattleNet account. 

    It's better for me. My "super power" is laser sharp focus. After two days of playing WoW
    the dopamine destroyed the focus I once had. So it's the best for me to quit. As I am really
    sensitive to dopamine in general, I have to stay away from games, moderation doesn't work
    for me. Once in the game it takes me over. The risk is to high.

    It's better to work on something that has pain involved like programming.
    But in the end of the day, those days I felt really fulfilled. And that's what's 
    it is all about. Having a fulfilled life.