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gargamel

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Everything posted by gargamel

  1. 1) Having some kind of romantic relationship in the broadest sense of the word, like a friend that you also flirt with sometimes, is very beneficial for sure, especially for a developing teenager and a young adult. If anything, you are learning first steps towards intimacy and you are growing accustomed to it in a good way. 2) Oh man, that sucks. I am surprised most of them have the awareness that it's unhealthy. I am pretty straightforward that I don't do one night stands and that I think they are harmful, so I either have short arguments when someone gets defensive, or they hide that they engage in it because they feel unaccepted or judged. I know these types of topics are pretty sensitive, so often after voicing my opinion I do my best to switch the topic unless I am talking to someone close. But for example, Veronika's close friend had loads of sex on Tinder before her last relationship (of two years), and after it ended she got back to having loads of sex on Tinder again. And she talks about it with a pinch of flamboyant sass, so I only make a gesture of disapproval when she looks at me and lighten it with a loving smile, so we go to different topic. 3) Well, on paper ONS seem like mutual masturbation, but in reality it is not. I remember when Pauly D from Jersey Shore said that he never in his life "met a chick" who didn't develop at least some sort of feelings for him after having sex, and you can only imagine how many ONS this dude had, at least in high hundreds. Sex is biologically and chemically the most complex event in our lives, especially for the female, because she risks getting pregnant. (biology cannot differentiate between sex with or without contraception) Interesting that you've mentioned gratitude. I bet it has some part to play. Having multiple partners might make us feel entitled to be loved, also, it might make us feel like we could always find it elsewhere so we are not open to difficult parts of relationship and healthy compromise - I totally agree with you. On the other hand, I would bet that it also has to do with the fact that with each partner we develop a unique connection, so when we have multiple memories of our different loves, we might fail to appreciate our current love because x is different/worse than it was in relationship 3, y from relationship 2 is different/worse/missing, et cetera. So when things become bad, we suddenly crave getting back to our ex, or we crave to seek those missing parts in a new partner, hoping he/she will "have it all". I'm glad you are over her, and even happier that it was an impetus for you to stop gaming. About the "second part of the job", I assume you are talking about raising the kids? I have an unconventional opinion on the father's role, I wonder what you think about it. I don't think it is that important for kids to love their father much when they are growing up. I think a father should develop authority (I am not talking about aggressive dictatorship) and respect with his children, and should command them to work on duties and also help around the house. This might lead to feelings of hate towards the father, because "he tells me to do things I don't wanna do", and the father should be fine with it, he must not command love or seek it. But when children grow up they will love their father because they will realize that all his commands were for their own benefit. Most importantly, a father should also teach by example and he shouldn't be lazy when he gets home, because that's all that kids will see and then his commands will not be listened to, he will appear a hypocrite and dictatorial. Also, it is a muuuust that he focuses a lot of attention to the mother, gives her a lot of love and attention, so mother naturally backs him up, and doesn't talk bad behind his back to destroy his authority. A tough job. @Erik2.0 It helped me to quit eating deserts when I heard that sugar is as addictive as cocaine. I imagined those intelligent food scientists laughing in my face, making me their zombie slave who buys their product that only poisons me in the long run. I won't allow them getting rich on me, haha. P.S. @Ikar I almost fixed my issue with where/were. When I type I usually notice that I spelled it wrongly. If you notice some other consistent misspellings, please tell me.
  2. I don't believe in this idea that you need multiple partners to figure things out, especially now that I notice I've heard it a thousand times from people in their 30s+ that are still lost and immature. I think this "wisdom" was invented by females that ended up being used and abused by multiple man, so they quote Nietzsche's "what doesn't kill me makes me stronger" to make themselves feel better. Also, young people usually say something like "I need to figure out what I like" when they find themselves switching partners a lot... no, that's not the way to do it, you will not figure out anything thinking with your penis/vagina or being led by unrestrained emotion. There is actually negative correlation between number of partners (a woman had) and satisfaction in marriage, and it also increases the likelihood of a divorce. On top of that, number of partners before marriage increases the likelihood of adultery for both men and women. So, I guess it can be said that it's proven not to be the case for women that (multiple) relationships lead to maturity. (Unless you say maturity and ability to form healthy and happy relationships have nothing to do with each other, but I insist that they do) But sure, to a degree you are correct. Any failure, any pain, can be used an opportunity for growth, but raaarely people actually learn anything. A lot of us stay unchanged after our wounds got healed, some of us just get bitter and cynical, a damaged good. I am glad you made this breakup an opportunity to work on yourself. It will pay off plenty. My desire to socialize is at the all time low. I am repulsed by it in a way, because I noticed I was seeking company so people could make me feel good by giving me attention and compliments, while at the same time I wasn't building anything long lasting, I wasn't gathering resources and I wasn't progressing in my life. I wholeheartedly thank you for you well wishes. I wish you all the best as well Ikar. Edit: The reason my previous love affairs and pursuits were wrong was because I was a boy. Its fine to be a boy when you are 17, but not 25. I am slowly starting to learn on my own what a man is because my father didn't teach me. He failed as a man sadly, so he couldn't teach me. I don't hate him for it, but it is what it is. I hope I can put a smile on his face before he dies when he sees that his son has become a man to be proud of in every way. I really wish he will get to see that.
  3. Minimizing my time spent socializing while also not dumping that time in my addictions slowly lead me to a conclusion that basically nothing is as real as is work, being self-sufficient and eventually being useful to the ones you love. Everything else is fluff and cheery on top, at least for a man. First time in my life that I am genuinely into completely dedicating myself to work and study. My grandfather spent most of his life working abroad for the betterment of his children, and he gave them so much, at least materially. He worked hard every day while basically living on bare, bare minimum, without any luxury what-so-ever (except cheep alcohol), so he could sent that money to his children. On the other hand, his children will leave nothing to their kids, all they did was get a masters degree and work just hard enough to get by and live a cozy middle-upper class life. My father and his sister are both fat and divorced, and spend most of their free time watching TV. (in the meantime my sick grandmother does the housework for them. I do a lot of housework in the last few months, so my sick grandmother can actually rest now.) Their brother is a bit better off at least (also divorced, yet he remarried), but considering he has a genius level IQ, he is actually a failure as well. They are nothing compared to their self-sacrificing, hardworking father, and my aunt is nothing compared to my grandmother. Hopefully my generation can reverse the trend.
  4. gargamel

    My journal

    I suggested epics because they usually have archetypal characters that you can associate and identify with. I see you are reading the Bible as well, that will surely help. I have Elendil's oath on my signature. It's Quenya. I am a huge Aragorn fan.
  5. gargamel

    My journal

    It will pass, don't worry. What I recommend is that you read epic literature and that way you will eventually reorient your symbolic world.
  6. Entry 65 (day 114) I've written maybe the longest entry I ever did here and it got deleted. I am actually pleased with this accident because I want to write more. I am back to counting my days from beginning of my journey here, which is best because maybe it will be inspiring for others to see more of us who stuck with this healthy decision long past the 90 days detox. for those interested, the gist of my lost entry was this: Edit: I just deleted a big section of this entry concerning my 2 dreams. I don't feel like sharing them actually. Daily gratitude: Grateful for feeling complete immersion in my existence. Grateful for knowing life has meaning, and that meaning is infinitely beautiful and challenging. P.S. I am doing fine on my second attempt at going a full month of nofap. I am a week in. P.P.S. At this point, I know all my previous love pursuits were "wrong", or rather, boyish, immature.
  7. @Icandothis I'll eventually visit a lot of temples. Right now it feels best just doing my personal spiritual practice, prayer and meditation in my home. I also meditate in forest when I get the opportunity. I just checket out the Amaravati temple, it is really lovely. I would go there for sure if it was close to me, although, ideally, I would go to a hindu temple. @Erik2.0 I love your long term plan. We need more people who are dedicated to helping others. I wish you best of luck. And yeah, I would like to receive priestly* (brahmana/brahmin) initiation in a couple of years from now, so I intend to prepare for it in the meantime. I'll eventually need to go vegetarian as well, which is more of a social problem for me than a personal one, because it will make me clash with my family. They personally look at vegetarians with a bit of scorn and bewilderment, mostly because of the angry vegan activists and new age hippies. But hey, this is my life and this is what I know is right for me. Eventually, they will accept me, I know it. @Ikar I agree with you, yet I believe you are correct only because, at the moment, most of the people are occupied with trivial things, shopping, taking selfies, getting drunk, et cetera. But this is just today's culture, I hope things will be better in a few decades, I actually believe that it will be, but you never know. Either way, I know what I am supposed to be doing. * brahmanas/brahmins are not required to be celibate, and do not need to be living in a temple/working in a temple, as is the case with Catholic priests, for example. But, if I received brahmana initiation, I am expected to uphold a quite strict and virtuous way of life, and I would be allowed to preform vedic rituals. Entry 13 (day 20) - feeling better today It helped that I shared with you those shameful feelings. I had a momentary disconnect between my values and my emotions, or maybe it is better to explain it as a moment my lower self was whining to my higher self because the higher self managed to set my priorities straight and doesn't allow excuses anymore, yet lower self still hasn't accepted defeat. I took the rest of the day to get myself over it. I meditated and prayed a lot, also went to the park. I reminded myself of what I was running from and towards what I am running. I filled my batteries really well. Day ahead of mean has a lot of things on schedule, so I better start doing them, its already past noon. Daily gratitude: Grateful for being a human. Also, grateful I got an answer to a question that has been bothering me for half a decade.
  8. It is true that I am immensely grateful for the insights I got into important truths of the world. Yet, in the same time I feel like I am being pummeled on the head by that insight. My comfy, weak side is cornered and wants to forget all those duties I know I should be upholding, and all the virtues I should be nurturing. It wants to get back to comfortable gaming, get back to finding sexy irresponsible women to satisfy my sexual desires, get back to just being popular chaotic quick-witted intellectual that will win a debate with a smirk on his face and go drinking later. That part of me is pissed I found my life's purpose. I know I need to live like an ascetic monk scholar for the next couple of years in a society that doesn't value such man at all. On top of it, I need to become financially self-reliant, which embarrassingly, my laziness doesn't want, it loves my idle life in my fathers house. Kid in me doesn't want to become a man. Why would I do anything different if all men around me are failing just the same in various different ways. ... I realize that I will never return to what I was like prior to my long depression, that kid needs to be left behind. But many parts of me rebel against this fact. I have to change so much it is scary. Caterpillar fearing the butterfly, crawler afraid to fly.
  9. @Erik2.0 Meds are tough, I am so grateful my health is serving me well for a while now. I hope you will one day get off of them. Entry 12 (days 18-19) Days were spent in reading, thinking and reminiscing. Nothing out of the ordinary. I had a long walk with Steven and we discussed some important points of contention concerning our values. Also, my reading list is getting out of hand, I think 3 years of continuous reading would maybe get close to completing it, but it will probably triple in size by that point. Daily gratitude: Grateful for continuous feeling of progress in my understanding. Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."
  10. @Icandothis This made me so happy :) We'll do it together. Have a beautiful day as well. Entry 11 (day 17) - calm before the storm Day 17 went almost exactly like day 16. I have: cleaned a bit, did laundry made dinner meditated listened to my audiobook rested in bed listened to music translated 2 pages of the book* At this point, I think I am completely healed. I don't feel tired anymore, this morning I am well rested and I'm hyped for day 18. *I'm going to put priority on translating my chapter asap, so i can focus exclusively on studying afterwards. The following month will be crazy. It's time to step up and do my best. I feel positively pumped for it all, hopefully this feeling doesn't leave me. Daily gratitude: Grateful for all positive steps that happened in the past 2 years. This path to productivity and hope was very roundabout and slow for me, but looking back and hoping forwards, it gives me so much peace. P.S. I forgot to mention my brother and I watched Gone Girl a few days ago. Disturbing movie, really well made. I give it 8,5/10
  11. Entry 10 (day 16) Oh I feel so good emotionally. Back in my room, back to my inner world in full. My mind is still a bit fidgety, I haven't been meditating regularly while I was there, but it's already getting better. Yeaaah... girls that we hanged out with got tested and are positive to COVID, so my brother, my grandma and I are certainly positive as well. My grandma is still no way near recovery, but she doesn't have problems with breathing so I am hopeful it won't develop in a more serious type of the illness. I still feel physically tired, which they say could last for a few weeks after COVID, but considering I went through a much tougher flu (same symptoms, just much worse) 2 years ago and was tired for only about a week after it, I think I might be on a brink of a complete recovery. I'll have to stay at home another week at least so I don't spread it. Yesterday I: rested in bed a lot done dishes and laundry meditated listened to a chapter of The Two Towers read holy scriptures helped with dinner cleaned my room listened to 2 really good albums for the first time* Daily gratitude: Today I am grateful for having my laptop and using it for constructive things in life. P.S. I decided I will grow my hair long. Never did it before. I think I will love it! I know it takes around 2 years to do so, no problem. P.P.S. @Erik2.0 Yeah, blue balls for sure.
  12. Entry 9 (days 11-15) I'm back from the seaside. Last few days ended up being anti-climactic. Me and my brother got sick (likely Corona), watched anime and slept most of the time. We both feel fine today, a bit tired, but our grandma got sick yesterday so I worry about her. I finished Fellowship of the Ring audio book, and I absolutely love it, the book is filled with so many good quotes and beautiful moments. Also, I've failed my goal of month of nofap after 2 weeks. I started feeling some slight pain in my left testicle one night when i went to bed, and I just felt the need to orgasm. It was very mechanical, but felt right. If I attempt a month of nofap, I probably shouldn't do it while i'm surrounded by half-naked girls... I want to start on another attempt now that I'm back home, I just need to suffer through a bit of pain I guess? Reason I want to go a full month of nofap is because I really like when i'm not jerking off. My energy levels are much better and I'm more composed. I start feeling it around 5 or 6 days in already. That's it. Now that I'm home I'll be going back to my routines, I can't wait to get back to my sleeping schedule, daily chores, studying and meditation. Daily gratitude: Grateful for being back.
  13. @ceponatia I experienced the same thing a lot. I love seeing girls that show a lot of skin but I don't get aroused by it. I need to be first put into a proper mindset by her behavior, and then it is even a plus if she is covering a lot, because I love undressing them. Entry 8 (day 10) Day passed. Me and my brother were planning to go out tonight but in the last moment my brother said he is tired and not in the mood. This reminded me that my initial plan was to go on this "vacation" by myself. Don't know how my brother's other plans failed. I wonder how different I would spend my days if I came here alone. He is great, social and cheerful person but i don't need him here. Which reminded me of another thing - I need to reclaim my assertiveness again and learn to do my own thing whenever I feel like it. I became really complacent with whatever people around me are doing. Which actually makes me also passive and reactive instead of active. I don't like myself at the moment. Daily gratitude: Grateful for having enough of a clear vision to notice that I don't like my lack of assertiveness and proactivity at the moment. I was much better at it even 10 years ago. I have a genuine mood in which I live in my head, I need to learn to wear it more on my sleeves and make others accustom to it. P.S. Just decided I'll go to the beach alone tomorrow morning.
  14. That's one side of it for sure. Also, there might be a lot of suppressed stimulation in general from the beach. A lot of young girls are wearing thongs for the lower part of their bikini. But, most importantly, it has to do with me aimlessly laying on my bed for too long. When I do that, my mind switches to a self-indulgent mode. I want to jerk off, eat something sugary, watch entertainment and feel cozy. My energy channel switches from investment mode to pure expenditure.
  15. Entry 7 (day 8-9) I don't feel like writing journal entries when I have so little time for myself. But, whatever - last 2 days my brother and I spent doing only 2 things: sleeping and hanging out on the beach. Other than that - I got myself a haircut, I worked out a bit, listened to an hour of LotR audiobook, we drank a bit of beer and listened to music and that's basically it. Today I came across a guy from my high school (we knew each other but we were never close) with his girlfriend. Talked for an hour and he asked us to hang out tomorrow, I'll see if I care to meet up. Also, one of the girls me and my brother were hanging out with likely has coronavirus, so that's fun. Also... I kind of watched porn? I was on reddit manga page and got redirected to a section with Hentai pictures. I scrolled through the reddit page for around 10 minutes. Didn't masturbate even though I got crazy horny. I think I'll stay away from reddit from now on, that site is filled with porn. I am at my 10th day of nofap, and I would really love to get to a full month. Daily gratitude: Grateful for air conditioning again.
  16. @Erik2.0 Yeah, time spent with them was pretty awesome. We are here for another full week, I'm curious how will it go. Me and my brother get along really, really well. @BooksandTree´╗┐s I need to find some format to track time since the begging of the journey together with splitting it into smaller chunks. I'll think about it. @Icandothis thank you so much. I write occasionally and share my poems with a small circle of friends. Don't worry, I won't stop :) Entry 6 (day 7) My journal is in a weird place at the moment because I spent my time spontaneously here without any particular goals other than to enjoy. After I've written my yesterdays entry day was only half done. Me and my brother helped the girls pack and with carrying their luggage. After that we watched an episode of The Witcher and he went to sleep. I listened to a chapter of LotR audiobook. I then decided to go to the beach to meditate. I set down at the top of the cliff by the shore and meditated for around half an hour. Wind was strong, yet it was somehow warmer than the already warm air. I managed to hold a decent concentration, but people walking behind my back did break me out of it a couple of times. I still prefer meditating in such a pretty place when i have the occasion. After that I walked to the city square and set by the church, observing bellow me people eating at the open restaurants, kids riding longboards, young women walking in high heels and a single peculiar drunkard, standing in his own lonesome corner, who is very likely a schizophrenic. He was constantly cursing and speaking in broken English things like - "this my state, yes, my state", arguing with invisible people, explaining some things to himself and occasionally spilling white wine from his plastic container. He was the only thing standing out from a generally idyllic mediterranean summer. I came back home, listened to some music and went to sleep. Today was a lazy day, we watched another Witcher episode, I made us something to eat, and we joined the two of the remaining girls at the beach (neither of which interest me or my brother), there I drank 2 beers and swam a lot. I think I'll spend the rest of the day on my own, listen to some LotR, work out a bit and pray to God. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for every drop of God's grace in my life. I feel I got so much. Much, much more than most. Hopefully I don't waste it in the end.
  17. Entry 5 (days 5-6) Finally took some time for myself. Me and my brother spent most of our time here with those girls. Just came home from the beach, this morning we were hanging out, swimming, playing Uno and later went to a restaurant together. They are a nice bunch of girls. Socially well developed, responsible towards their university studies, cheerful and drama-free. My brother wanted to get with one of the girls, but we learnt yesterday that she has a boyfriend. They even ended up sleeping in her bed yesterday after clubbing, but he couldn't make himself kiss her because he knew about the boyfriend (he said it was obvious she would accept his advances, but because they are leaving today in the evening, he thought it would be stupid. I agree.) On the other hand, I couldn't make myself pursue any of the girls, even though I felt some attraction towards Emma and Petra. Emma is quite beautiful and has an amazing greek-like light-brown curly hair. Petra is a former gymnast and a dancer, has a smashing well-trained body, heart shaped big butt, firm C-cup breasts, she was doing flips and leg-splits on the beach yesterday, I mean, yeah... But she had the worst energy, she was kind of angry-nervous in moments and has a tom-boy vibe, while I am attracted to really feminine, girly, warm personalities, so I didn't flirt at all with her. Anyways, If any of the two showed some open interest in me I would accept for sure, but they didn't catch my attention enough for me to try to pursue them. I think I had a pretty good chance with Emma, slim with Petra. After our first night out, I dreamed I met a Czech girl who looks like my perfect wife and has exactly the energy I love in a girl, in the dream we were so passionate with each other that it kind of feels more real than some of my true memories. If any of the girls had a trace of that woman in them I would go 10 extra miles to get with them. But still, all in all we had a really good time. I'm sad they are leaving today. As a side note, I am eating a lot of tasty and healthy food, I am physically really active - swimming, dancing, a lot of walking, I am doing push-ups and squats at home, so this is all very nice. But, I regret I didn't meditate yesterday. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for having a good friendship with my brother. Girls pointed that out a couple of times.
  18. @Erik2.0 Yeah, I think more than half of us here on the forum know very well what it means to waste time. That's usually the first thing a video game addict notices. I agree that there is good and bad in everything, I don't want to paint a totally black picture, but that's how I felt about it yesterday.
  19. This is not a daily entry, I'll write it later today or tomorrow morning. I just had a few things I wanted to get off my chest. My whole life I felt like an odd one out in most situation and crowds. As young as 6 years old, I felt most kids are seriously different. What always sticked out is that they felt brutish to me. I was never rejected and rarely teased. On the contrary, people mostly accepted me and loved me, the problem was always more on my part. This led me becoming an introvert. I doubt I would spend so much time alone if people were more like me. I was reminded of this yesterday. My brothers friends ended up being five 23 y.o. girls, 3 of them are pretty hot. But I'll talk more about it in the entry. Anyways, yes. The only period I felt more like home in crowds were those days of uni before my depression. In that period I let this feeling of standing out to fuel my arrogance and feelings of superiority anf exceptionality. At the beginning of that period, I made a conscious decision to adapt to others, to use my intelligence to shape myself to fit any situation and end up on top. I felt like I was better than others, so now feelings of being strange didn't make me feel isolated, but make me feel justified in getting whatever I want from others. Now that I left that behind me, feeling strange and my unwillingness to adapt to others again makes me feel alien and isolated. I feel more at home reading holy texts of a civilization foreign to mine, mantra meditating on the language non of my close ones know about, reading books written by people dead for millenia, and reading made up stories of herioc deeds as the ones depicted in lord of the rings. More at home than being on a shore of a city I spent tens of my summers on, drinking with people slightly younger than me. Speaking of my yesterdays situation, I forgot how to "have fun" in this modern way. It means getting comfortable in constantly putting on a happy face for others while joking and teasing people, ingesting toxic substance that damages your brain and makes you more susceptible to impulsive action, while listening to music beats that repeat some meaningless matra like "love me stranger", "I came here to lose my mind", "we are kings today" and such nonsense. Todays dancing (I am pretty good dancer) is about showing your skills and being cocky, its about flexing and posing more than about enjoying the beats and leting go. I can safely say I dislike all of this and I think it's trash.
  20. @MuMuMelon Hey MuMu! You stumbled upon one of the more inspired entries. If you read my journal in full, you'll mostly read about an optimistic guy going 2 step forward and 1 step back. I made considerable progress mentally, but I am not sure if it translates because I always try to focus on the positive, so I might end up sounding better than I actually am. If you want a "tl;dr" my main goals atm are passing my exams in October. I am splitting with my group of male friends because I decided I need to find a more positive, "doing" and not "talking" oriented group of people. On romantic level, I shared a couple of stories about Veronika. She has been my close friend for years, we have a complex past, dated shortly after highschool, and then she went back to her ex. We again rekindled our romantic spark a year and a half ago, but it happened in a time that she was leaving the country for a year, so we managed to stress ourselves out over it and hurt each other. After she came back, we continued being friends, but its on shaky grounds. Neither I, nor her, I think, are planning to start dating again, yet when we hang out, there is a paradoxical atmosphere of resentment, compassion, shame and mutual joy of being with one another. There is potentiality, so "something", of whatever nature, is bound to happen in the next couple of months. But besides her, when I mention other people, I usually link to a page that I talk about them before, so I don't think you need to read my past entries to join in on my journey. You are more than welcome. I appreciate honest critique and warm encouragement. @Ikar She is my first big love, yes. I have to discount my days of early adolescence when I "dated" a girl for 3 months. I was still mentally a child then, only getting first glimpses of what romantic attraction even is. That is as good a guess as any considering what I told you about V. But, this is not the case. What pulled us towards one another is a feeling of uncanny belonging. It's not romantic love, it always felt more like some forgotten form of kinship, if you allow me to speak in those terms, this is how we speak to one another. 2 months ago she said she is certain at this point that we will always be in each others lives, and I feel she is correct. Be it friends or lovers, I think little in this world can separate us completely. @Erik2.0 I had, up until a year ago, similar sort of regret as yours, for a period of almost 5 years I was in a type of a reverse Groundhog day. Instead of waking up on the same date, but doing different things - my calendar was moving forwards but I continued with same mistakes, wasting my life, half-dead, half-scared-awake. I think her regrets are more difficult to go beyond, because she hurt other people. Entry 4 (day 4) I traveled to the seaside. On the road I listened to a part of an audiobook of the Fellowship of the Ring. Love those parts that are missing from the movies. I came to my room and dropped into sleep on my bed, only to wake a few hours later, noticing that the night is slowly creeping in. My brother called (he came here with me) and asked if I'll be joining him and his friends later as they will be drinking. I am 90% for it, and 10% resisting, as always, all activities that force me to put on a jolly persona for unknown faces. But I think I'll have to force myself today, I've been living like an old monk for too long. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this house where my father lived as a boy. It still has a lot to give to me.
  21. @Erik2.0 I have an whole bag of interesting stories with that girl. Most of them are pretty damn bad but fun to hear. You see... if you ask me... the reason why she lives in USA is because here she lost almost all of her friends (except complete weirdos and problematic people) and she has a baaad reputation. Basically, she had an assortment of personality disorders, was a serial cheat and a compulsive liar. When I fell in love with her, I didn't know it. Interesting fact - I often had nightmares about her even after two years since we stopped seeing each other. Still, I look at our moments like this one in the park in a positive light, because I know our feelings were genuine and mutual, it's just that she was messed up on top of it. In her poem she said she (still) suffers from a lot of guilt and shame, which is sad but unsurprising to hear. Entry 3 (day 3) - This day was beautiful Writing my entry before going to bed for the first time. Reason is that I'll be on my way to the seaside tomorrow morning, so I won't be able to write my entries. Anyways, yes, this day was beautiful. I washed the dishes and did laundry. I've read 30ish pages of a new book about political philosophy, and then I listened to a short Tolkien's audiobook about Aragorn and Arwen. Later I went to (that) park on my bicycle and meditated besides a brook in the forest. After it, I stood by my favorite lake there and observed my surroundings in silence, I was loving every second of it. Two dogs began running towards each other, the male was a lovely young dalmatian and a female was a black haired mutt with a single white dot on her chest. They stopped a meter away from me, and as they were of same size and stature, when they started sniffing each other while dancing in circles for at least 4-5 laps they were a living Yin and Yang. They continued to play for at least 15 minutes, as their owners both decided to rest by the lake. Wind was slowly breezing, birds were singing, the lake was calm, disturbed only by 2 elegant V-shaped wavelets created by two ducks swimming in parallel to one another. Also, I (finally) worked out today after a week of no strength training. Now its time to pack my bags, get in the shower and get some quality sleep. Daily gratitude: I am grateful of the beauties of nature, and grateful of being able to notices them once again. In years of depression I was blinded of it.
  22. This is how I approach things as well. We will never become perfect over night. We have to recognize positive changed and push one step at the time.
  23. @Erik2.0 I hope decreasing medication goes well for you Erik. It's a positive move forward if you manage to get over the transition, isn't it? Best of luck! @Ikar Exactly, my anxiety worsens when I procrastinate, willfully ignore, forget and do not face my challenges. Which just makes sense. When you look at anxiety from a behavioral as opposed to hormonal perspective, it seems completely to be expected in my case. I'm happy to hear both of you liked my poem. I started writing poems a lot at the end of high school, also had a couple of developed ideas for novels as well, but it didn't grip me enough. Ended up trowing almost all of what I've written in trash a couple of years later in a symbolic gesture of leaving that period behind me. But I still write every once in a while. Now that I think about it, i think my last poem written in English was still in high school. In my senior year, I was deeply in love with a troubled classmate, and a lot of poems that I wrote, I sent to her. One gloomy evening we were walking through the park that I mentioned a couple of times here. It started raining and the night fell, so we hid bellow a special little pavilion (i'll attach a picture of it.)As the rain was not stopping for a while, we decided we will stay here. She was carrying her acoustic guitar with her, so she took it out of the bag, and started playing and singing pretty songs. We were both sitting on the floor, I directly behind her, hugging her but not too strongly to mess with her playing. One moment she said she needs to take out a note from her bag, and on it was my poem written in English, she said she made a melody for it. She sang it gracefully and I was in the same time embarrassed and completely struck. If I am honest with myself, she is still my biggest love in certain ways. I loved her incredibly strongly, often I couldn't go to sleep because I was thinking of her. I feel like I will fall in love this strongly again, but of course it will be different because I am much more mature now. A couple of times I felt like I was falling for Veronika in this manner, but fate seemed to always get in the way in the cleverest of ways. I don't know if things like this are fated or not, but I take them as if they are fated because it allows me not to dwell on the past and missed possibilities. Entry 2 (day 2) Again a good day. Again an upward trajectory. Mediated deeply, helped around the house, hanged around with my brother (we watched a couple of episodes of The Witcher, I haven't played the games or read the books, but the TV series is good), helped my mother with one small thing. It's not a perfect day, but as I am in the process of getting back on track, if the day is better than the previous one, it is good enough for me. Daily gratitude: I am grateful for this romantic memory. Confused youth has it's charms. Edit: I just googled her name, and I ended up reading a poem she wrote a month ago for a newspaper - it's about meditation. She is living in USA now.
  24. Hey man, I am fairly new here so this is first time I see your journal. I am sorry that you relapsed hard, but I support you 100% in your efforts and applaud you for returning here. Don't let your ego turn against you, and in the same time be hopeful. I think all of us can get to a much better place than we currently find ourselves in. Sending love your way!
  25. @Erik2.0 Yeah, I think my entries will become really interesting in October. lol. I have a good hunch about it. I feel ready to open up to a new girl completely if she deserves it - I also crave some fun in life, some good laughs. I am a serious person that occupies himself with heavy topics constantly, so if I meet a girl that will bring innocent fun out of me, I could easily fall in love, hah. Entry 1 (day 1): This was a good day. Constructive and felt good. My father returned and we cooked together. Later I went to a bar with Steven and had a good talk about politics. Now that we didn't hang out for almost a month it was interesting to talk to him, I didn't feel like I wasted my time in any way. I meditated and I was well focused, which shows me I am on an upward trajectory again regarding my spirituality. I felt some craves to masturbate before going to sleep, but I suffered through. I will do my month of nofap, even if it ends up being not worth it. I've written a short poem in English today, which is unusual because I generally write only in my mother tongue. So I'll share it with you, maybe you'll like it: edited out Daily gratitude: I am grateful that my anxiety doesn't feel half as strong as it did 3 months ago.