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JRiz

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  1. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #14 Still sober by the definition I'm going with. I may need to add Sudoku to my inner circle because I did spend too much time on that app waiting on my family at Disneyland. I did a good job with my kids at DL. My wife and I are falling apart rapidly. I can do no right in her eyes and her fury is righteous to her so pretty much fuck me. I don't know if we'll make it through the end of the year. But hey I'll be sober from sex and video games. Today my project to keep busy will be X-mas decorations around the house etc. I'm going to make sure to get a ride in on my exercise bike, gotta burn off all the junk food from Disneyland.
  2. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #7 and Day #8 Still Sober, but slightly challenged by my son asking me to play Fortnite with him, or keep him alive while he poops. I think I handled it okay by just putting him in a bush then walking away. My son likes watching kid friendly streams and tbh it does still hold sway over me. Gotta keep an eye on that. Busy weekend with the kids activities. Had friends over for dinner on Sat. Lots of unneeded conflict with the wife, our problems are structural in our communication style and sharing (or lack of) control. I also detached a bit after a long day both days. I'm waiting (probably indefinitely) for my wife to apologize to me for being overly controlling about some dumb stuff. Big issue is I didn't feel like journaling which is a lack of humility on my part. Need to stay dedicated. This morning I'm heading to Southern California to Disney Land with the kids. I'm excited but nervous. Its a long drive and I wont have my wife to team up with me. Gonna try my best to run the show with my sanity in mind while still making it fun for the kids. Never know it might be better than with my wife in the car the way we have been communicating. Going to try and keep journaling when I get back to the hotel.
  3. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #6 Had some drama in the morning with the wife about setting up a space to do hobbies. Previously I had an area of the house for video gaming (and porn) that I gave up over the last 2 years. I suggested setting that up for a place for myself and the kids to do longer term crafts / hobbies. She said she didn't want that for various reasons that make sense but ultimately I'm in a place of resentment about because she isn't offering any compromise on the situation. She did say I could use the garage for projects which in the past was a point of contention so I guess we got some where on it, but tbh I don't want to work in the garage. Sigh. I rode my exercise bike afterwards and that got rid of a lot of the tension. Got a bunch done during the day, no gaming at work still so thumbs up there. Tried to lay down and watch something on the iPad while my wife was getting ready for bed, and that upset her and I honestly got way more hurt by it than I should have. Guess I'm a bit more raw with not using my previous outlets. Got a busy weekend with the kids and getting ready for the thanksgiving holiday week, kids school is out all week due to California budget issues. We are driving down to Southern CA for the week to visit my wifes family so come Monday, updating the journal might be harder. We shall see.
  4. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #5 Still sober. Work is still very challenging, but I decided to go more social join the guys playing MTG so that I don't feel isolated when everyone else taking their lunch break. Listened to some podcasts, did some recovery homework, then went to my feedback group. I feel like I talked too much but got some good advice about how to broach hobbies with my wife. Really tired gonna get up early tomorrow.
  5. Welcome. I know how you feel getting a handle on multiple destructive addictions. When you have another vice, gaming doesn't seem that bad. But once you have time under your belt you see it for what it is. I'm right there with ya. Good luck!
  6. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #4 Woke up kinda cranky but got on top of the day. Did a workout after I got the kids to school. Cleaned my house a bit then went to work. Left work at 1pm for Couples counseling. Was a hard session but generally not bad, which is a win. My wife said she's glad I've committed to the 90 day detox but she's not holding her breath that I stick with it. Can't say I blame her, I've made half measure efforts in the past. Watched the debates after dinner, overall kinda bored but also tired so not that bad i guess. I did make some effort into finding some new hobbies today. I went down a small youtube rabbit hole regarding welding. I have always been into sculpting / modeling and I was wondering if I could get into making art with metal. I don't know if practically it would fit into our lives but hey I was thinking outside the box. I spend some time thinking about the steam account thing, I know my friend who would be able to hold it for me and not respect the boundary of the 90 days or more.
  7. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    DAY #3 Got up and went to therapy before work. My therapist was supportive but also a little annoyed with me because he's been telling me this is a fundamental issue that I've had for the last two years. I've heard people can't recover till they want it, and I guess that has happened for me finally. He did think I should get rid fo the Switch as well and not worry about the results on my kid because I should be wanting to keep him away from what happened to me. I'm not 100% on board with that since I do use screen time controls with my son. But having it in the house is kind of dangerous, but I have a laptop, ipads, phones etc I could relapse on easily, so I dont see the point in making un-needed drama with my kid who HAS shown restraint and moderation. My wife suggested we get a sitter tonight and goto dinner. It was nice to have conversation that wasn't completely focused on crisis between us. Work was hard AF. We are in code lock so everyone was in total slack mode, games being played in every direction. It's like being at a raging party and not drinking. Just a whole lot of not fun. I did find some work stuff to focus on so that is good. Tomorrow I'm going to make sure to get a good hard bike ride in before work. I'm going to chill out watch some TV then hit sack at 11.
  8. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    100% my sponsor in my other program had a shopping addiction around buying digital music, so he gets the collection aspect of the Steam library but he still wants me to delete it. I'm scared to do something so permanent, I'm thinking about doing some kind of encryption thing with the password and giving the key to my best friend and get that back from him later if I can find that moderation sweet spot. I did the same thing with social media. I didn't want to "disappear" so my wife has my password and every few months we will hop on together to look around then log me out, but to be honest it doesn't have any real appeal any more so maybe that'll be the way with my Steam library.
  9. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Went to dinner with my wife tonight. I do have to be careful talking about the trials of dealing with this addiction... She is is supportive-ish but to be honest still mad at me for being in denial about gaming for so long (two years) while being honest about being an addict. I get it but I'm the type that wants "a parade" for doing what I'm supposed to do. TBH I'm surprised how kind of annoyed my therapist was. His reaction was like 'DUH! I've been telling you this for a year now' . which I guess I could get is also frustrating. He did give me some very supportive words about using a focused program like Respawn and was open to hear and help me process my worksheets.
  10. JRiz

    JRiz's journal

    Day #2 of 90 Got up later than I would have liked but still early enough to get the kids out the door and to school on time. Did a 45 minute ride on the Peloton. This summer I had been riding at least 2-3 times a week and have a really long streak going. This morning was the first time I had ridden that hard in a few months. Felt good to accomplish something instead of going into work and immediately start playing Fortnite or MTG-A. So I went into work and uninstalled all the games on the Epic Launcher. I have nothing installed on Battle.net, On Steam I have 1 work related title but tbh I haven't played more than 1 hour of it. The majority of my catalogue isn't installed. I should make the big step I see done here a lot around my steam account. I've had that account since 2004. The fact I'm not just willing to delete it is a testament to the power gaming has over me. I had a number of times during my lunch break and just kind of boring times in the afternoon where I almost fired something up. I spent some time trying to figure out how to put parental controls on my account but it looks like I'm going to have to use some kind of third party tool to keep from using games and youtube on my work computer. Went to a 12 step meeting and shared about how I'm starting in this detox process. Even though there are mostly older folks in my program they know about addiction and binges and when I shared how blew past my own boundaries and then started rationalizing and scheming they all knew what I was talking about. Addictions have very similar patterns regardless of the substance or activity. Got home from my meeting, said good night to the kids. Wife is still barely talking to me. My sponsor told me actions are better than words at this point. So I'll keep on going. This is as hard as stopping masturbation. I really wanted to play just a little bit at work. But the last year I have been giving myself that comfort and its gotten out of hand. I just cant do it in moderation, which sucks. I go meet with my therapist tomorrow morning. He's been telling me to quit gaming for months now, so at least I should get some support from him.
  11. Day #0 . Around 3 am Saturday I turned off the PS4, I had just maxed out the first 55 levels of the new Call of Duty. I have started at 9pm Friday with a 20 minute break to chat with my wife on the phone. As I lay in bed trying to fall asleep I reflected on my day. My wife was out of town for work but close (few hours away). We had couples counseling on Weds, and the previous weekends gaming was a hot topic of discussion. On Friday morning my wife invited me up to her work retreat, offering to find a sitter for the kids. I was genuinely touched by this offer since our marriage is on the rocks. I decided it would be not cool to spring that on the kids. Thanked her for the offer. At work all the people involved in the gaming charity Extra Life were setting up and it was a typical laid back day so I played CoD on lunch break and MTGA on my second monitor while doing some easy tasks. After going home and doing the dad things I plugged right in with the intent to stop at 10 or 11. Anyways I started to think of ways to cover up my gaming, so I wouldnt be tired the next day etc. Luckily my higher power kicked in and reminded me that this kind of thinking was clearly addict thinking. I did some pen and paper journaling and decided to call my sponsor in the morning. When I talked to him, he was clear that we both knew I was in my addict mode with gaming and I need to do something or I would eventual relapse in my other program as well. On top of blowing my marriage up further. So after letting my wife know I had binged. I unplugged the ps4 and xbox, uninstalled youtube and reddit from my devices. when to sleep about 11 pm. Day#1 Did all my fatherly duties. Signed up for Game Quitters. Watched Cars on Disney + with my daughter. Let my son play switch while I read up on this site. Signed up for a local chapter of a gaming 12 step program (seems to be online only voice meetings, better than nothing I guess) . Did some Boy scouts stuff with the son, took my daughter for a bike ride. Got angry with my kid over nonsense (probably just anxiety related from quitting) . Made a list of goals I want to achieve in the near future. Going to text with my sponsor then watch some Mandalorian on Disney + to see what the hype is all about and goto bed. My wife is barely talking to me and really hurt. I suspect it will be this way for a while but I hope eventually she will understand I need to be supported in this as much as I was my 12 step program to get the peace and serenity we both want.
  12. Hi all, I’m a 40 year old gaming addict. I have a marriage in crisis, 2 kids under 10(one of which loves his Switch and Fortnite), and a career that is good in many aspects but is also enabling my gaming addiction. Like many my age I grew up with gaming and have had done a tour of duty in the MMO world. Games as a service ie battle passes and achievement grinds work REALLY well on me. I’m have been in a 12 step program for sex addiction and pornography for about 2 years now. I have been able to maintain a year of sobriety currently. My therapist, sponsor , and feedback group have all helped me get sober and have all had to hear about my habitual crises in my relationship with my wife around gaming. When I was initially getting sober from pornography and other issues around sex I reduced my access to social media and content on my phone. Late night gaming was coupled with pornography use for me in very intertwined ways. I boxed up my gaming PC, put accountability software on my mobile devices, started monitoring screen time etc. Most of that was to ease the tension in the house with my spouse due to the trauma I had inflicted via my sexual betrayals. The xbox and ps4 stayed out since they were multi-media devices not just game machines…(convenient right). Over the last 6-8 months gaming has come back hard in my life. After time, I slowly got back into games like Fortnite and Hearthstone, always new content to pay attention to. Filthy casual I know, but I thought after a couple decades of being hardcore I could ease up a bit. I’m a dad now. My therapist has long recommended I stop gaming all together but I just didn’t want to give it up. It defined too much of who I am. For my career, I work in game development (technical art side of things). I always thought that if I was going to get clean and abstinent from games I would have to change my career. I even tried in this last year but after a 3 month job search (gaming as an industry can be brutal) I got a good paying job at a company close to home. Turns out its a VERY laid back environment that has helped my addiction come roaring back. I feel like an alcoholic who works at a brewery with a tap room, not exactly supportive to getting sober. If I'm to cut out games 100% I'm not sure HOW I could even do that with my current job. I'm gunning for no games at home at all. I joined Game Quitters after a late night binge on this Friday night playing into the morning hours. I was honest with my spouse even though gaming is extremely triggering for her. I disconnected the consoles, removed reddit and youtube from my devices. I’m going to look into setting up some parental controls on myself, since screen time stuff has worked for me in the past. I’m hopeful I can apply what I learned kicking pornography and apply it to online gaming. Thanks for reading.
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