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Day #26 Gratitude journal I am grateful for my Works team who has stepped up recently while my own performance has plummeted. I am grateful for the art school for organizing croci evenings. I am grateful for my date for being polite to me when rejecting me. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I went to a croci evening. For three hours I stared at a gorgeous naked woman, while painting her. Workout/run 100 pushups What I ate porridge for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, sandwich for dinner, pasta and eggs for late night snack. what I will eat tomorrow porridge + egg for breakfast, pasta and cheese for lunch, chicken tikka masala for dinner. Arts 3 hours drawing!!! Singing did some breathing exercises social activities chatted with a woman I went on a date with yesterday. I thought the date went ok. However she was not interested in continuing. I asked her for some feedback to help me improve myself and she said I should not think like that. Pretty good response I think. I have to say that during the weekend I tried to reach out to the woman I tried to sleep with the other week... she did not reply. I still have that obnoxious incel inside me still... ? Meditation Breathing excercises when stomach went into lockdown. Visualisation i will have an enjoyable Christmas with family Daily affirmation I took myself to an art class! Reading + taking notes Been reading about emotional incest Getting to bed before 9pm Nopes Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci done) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: i brought myself to the art class What I could have done to make my day better: been more focused at work, I’m behind on my deliveries ? What I will do differently tomorrow: Drink coffee, I can’t function without it.

Day #26 Gratitude journal I am grateful to myself for taking the step to buy a home for myself i am grateful for women who are willing to give me a chance I am grateful to professionals who helped me fill in all the papers for the deal. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I bought an apartment. It’s my first owned home! Workout/run none What I ate Porridge for breakfast, hamburger for lunch, pasta bacon for afternoon meal, porridge as evening snack what I will eat tomorrow Porridge, vegetarian bean salad for lunch, for dinner chicken masala and good wine Arts none Singing did some excercises while waiting social activities Talked with a friend about sex. He thinks I need to chill. Easy for him to say when women are chasing him and he has had some one hundred partners... the woman I met on tinder before I deleted the app seems since and well put together. I will meet her on Sunday Meditation breathing exercises mid day Visualisation I am enjoying life Daily affirmation I wanted an apartment and got it. Reading + taking notes none Getting to bed before 9pm Hopes Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat. What I could have done to make my day better: Meeting a friend in real life. What I will do differently tomorrow: I think this was a great day!

Day #21 Gratitude journal i am grateful to myself for taking good care of myself. I am grateful for old friends saying hi on social media. i am grateful for random people on the running app sending encouragements even though they know nothing about me. i am grateful to myself for meeting the needs I have such as buying glögg (christmas drink) i av grateful for sales people for reaching out and arranging showings of apartments One amazing thing that happened/I did today I went to a cafe and ordered glögg. This might seem trivial but it’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time. However I have social phobia so I always stick with the safe option when buying beverages, which in my case is simple lager. Buying a custom drink because I want it is a breakthrough. i also two different warm meals which I cooked myself! I don’t think has happened in... it has never happened. Sure I eat porridge and such, but it does not count. Workout/run I went out running in the morning with my new gear. It was great! Especially the new Nike running scarf. What I ate Vegetarian curry from yesterday for lunch. Pasta with fried peppers for dinner.. what I will eat tomorrow yoghurt for breakfast lunch in cantine yoghurt as snack Sandwitch at coqui course in the evening Porridge in the evening Arts none Singing i sang the song I’m practicing on mid day social activities I deleted tinder but got one last match. We chatted during the evening. i talked with some sales people around apartements Meditation Observed the city from above Visualisation I own an apartement which I like Daily affirmation i can order whatever drinks I want when I’m out Reading + taking notes none Getting to bed before 9pm yes Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat. What I could have done to make my day better: Meeting a friend in real life. What I will do differently tomorrow: I think this was a great day!

It’s something i learned in therapy. To be honest I forgot the trick existed so I don’t use it. Try it and let us know if it works.

About the eye contact, I have the same issue. A trick you can use is to look at the nose bridge in between the eyes. People react the same way but it’s less intense anxiety wise.

Day #20 Gratitude journal I am grateful to myself for taking such good care of myself ? .i worked out yesterday quite hard and started to connect with people on a running app. I was also really social in the evening. Today I gave my self a resting day. I also cooked food for myself which I don’t normally do. If I take good care of myself then I don’t need a wife mommy and I can feel good about myself. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I cooked food for myself for the second time in a long time. I also made gingerbread dough to make a house later on. I will try to invite some friends and we can do it together. . Workout/run I walked around town and did some sports wear shopping. No I can join a yoga class if I want. What I ate I ate vegetarian curry which I made myself. I had to sing a bit to relax my stomach to eat it. I was also quite restless while eating, but I got through it. When I grew up my mother forced us to sit at the dinner table and eat while she bullied and interrogated us. This is why I now have eating disorders, I can’t handle the feeling of being trapped around dining tables. what I will eat tomorrow porridge for breakfast, curry for lunch Arts I bought this book about clouds. Apparently there is a cloud appreciation society. Singing In the morning and around dinner social activities talked with a friend over phone. I removed my tinder account. I will create a new one in the spring on my new phone. Before then I will take a break and enjoy family time. Meditation Visualisation I have painted beautiful cloud paintings Daily affirmation i am my own best friend Reading + taking notes i read a few pages about clouds Getting to bed before 9pm No but it’s fine, because I spent the evening in my own good company Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: i cooked food, not because I wanted to impress any woman, but because I was hungry and wanted to eat. What I could have done to make my day better: Meeting a friend in real life. What I will do differently tomorrow: I think this was a great day!

Yesterday I felt the urge to game again. The past week has been an emotional roller coaster. Though the encounter with the woman was nice, I also felt massively inadequate. Yesterday we went for a friend dinner. My friend has this huge villa where he lives with his beautiful wife and two kids. I felt so far behind my age group that I just wanted to give up. My libido has hit rock bottom and not even porn makes me exited. I used gaming as a way to suppress my hunger for intimacy, since it was so painful to not have access to it. My parents were not the touchy type. The intimacy I got from my mother was violence. Also going year after year without human touch hurt physically in my skin and bones somehow. Now that I don’t play I need to cater to this need somehow in a healthy way. I can’t force myself on women and I don’t want to pay for sex. My plan Is to take a course in tantric sex. I read one can go on those courses on your own. It could be a really cool experience I think. I suppose some exercises are not possible to do on my own. Being able to breathe myself into orgasm in the subway on my way to work seems intriguing.

Great analysis Ikar! I have not thought about how that subordination part is so similar between addiction and relationships One of the reasons why I have kept gaming and actually avoided women for sex and relationships, even though I have had opportunities, is that I would be so dysfunctional that it’s not worth pursuing. I’ve also known that if I stop gaming I would start drinking. Without options there I would just start doing even more dysfunctional stuff. Building yourself up from nothing is a long and slow process. Gaming is the healthiest was of being dysfunctional, since the recovery time is only a few hours of sleep and a healthy meal.

Day #18 Gratitude journal I reached out to a woman I went on some dates with earlier in the autumn. I asked if she wanted to meet and experiment with intimacy. She has very healthy boundaries and she said no. I told her she is great and whisked her good luck. I’m grateful for all the healthy women, their kindness and politeness. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I found an apartment which I want to buy. I reached out and pushed for information on the apartements. Normally I’m quite passive, so the fact I was pursuing was a positive change. Workout/run Nothing, been at home and depressed. Edit: went out on an evening run. Cried while running, mourning the life and experiences I’ve missed out on while isolating myself. Stood next to the ocean and let it in. What I ate Drank sugary drinks, ate lots of citrus fruits. Became weak and unable to stay awake. what I will eat tomorrow porridge for breakfast, home made humus, dates, tomatoes and pita for lunch Arts made some paintings Singing None social activities Called several friends to heal and connect Shared some drawings on Instagram Meditation No Visualisation living in an apartment that I own Daily affirmation i am becoming more healthy in my relationship with sex. Reading + taking notes i sort of read two pages in the morning Getting to bed before 9pm Not time for that yet Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson (singing done, croci scheduled) 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: i felt my painful emotions and cried What I could have done to make my day better: Leave my apartment What I will do differently tomorrow: Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

Thanks BooksAndTrees, i feel you... I’ve been through similar things. You did not deserve that and it was not your fault. The challenge people like us have is that we attract narcissists and we also are attracted to them. More healthier women, who don’t emit sexual energy or invoke desire gets passed on. I’m trying to change my ways but it’s so difficult. I think I should pursue someone who I’m not that attracted too and see what happens. My biggest worry is that I won’t get it up, but with some pills I can ignore that fear. How do you date? Through apps? edit: its easier now, yes. I do feel what psychologists call ambiguous sorrow for the sex I have not had during my youth. I also fear this was a temporary fluke and I will go through another 10 year drought. But then I’m not gaming anymore, I meet real world people which infinitely increases my chances.

Deleted, maybe a bit too much ?

Good question! I paid for tinder and moved to a bigger city. Then I found a woman who was into booty calls. First time she asked me to meet up I declined. Later on I liked a picture of hers, and she asked me out again. I joined her at a club far out in some industrial area. I was crazy scared. We talked until the club closed and then I said goodbye. No sex, I did not know the playbook. Later I started chatting with her again and I asked about her intentions. She wanted to get laid and so did I. Then began a very liberating and honest discussion about sex, one night stands and so on. Basically I learned what her perfect one night stand looked like. Then we went out on a date, which ended at my place. I had prepared everything to my best skills. Of course I had not prepared myself with viagra which you can usually get from doctors if you are “new”. It’s strongly recommended. I had erection problems so the sex was really bad. I tried to please her with my fingers which she appreciated. She stayed the night and seemed happy when she left. I could not satisfy her sexually but we snuggled and she was able to relax and slept whole Sunday. Later on I had a bit of nervous breakdown and asked if she wanted to join me to visit my parents over Christmas. She said no... (who could have guessed). She has her share of issues and when I analyzed this with my therapist we realized she has some narcissistic traits and if I would have pursued her it would have ended very badly. Her ex boyfriend sleeps on a mattress on the floor. He also called her to get some keys in the middle of the night. No thanks, I deserve better than that! Watch out, there are many female narcissists and abusers out there. They can be very charming and you are not the only one in their spider web. In female dating lingo I’m a bit of a “pickme” which means I’m happy with whatever I get. I need to stop that bs. I’m a great guy! Edit: Ok this was the incel in me reacting. I should not describe her as a narcissist. It’s for sure easier to write off someone as crazy or not worthy, than face the fact that I was once again rejected as a partner. Because this was what actually happened. I was not good enough in the sack, and we were otherwise not really compatible either. I hope she finds a way to sort her issues and traumas out.

Day #16 Gratitude journal This weekend I had sex for the first time in ten years. It felt like the first time. Massive erection problems and nervousness. I had a great time though, and I think she enjoyed my company too. I am grateful for women who give men like me a chance, even though they get so very little out of it. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I had a very personal and nice conversation over lunch about my love life. People usually have a really difficult time believing me. Workout/run Went for a run in the morning. I think bulking up will give me more stamina in the sack. Meditation I did singing/breathing exercises in the morning and throughout the day. I went to my first singing lesson yesterday. Visualisation Living with someone nice and having great sex Daily affirmation I have the potential to be a great lover if I excercise and work on my erection Reading + taking notes I bought some books Getting to bed before 9pm Yes Weekly Goal(s) Buy a swimming card Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: What I could have done to make my day better: Eaten more food What I will do differently tomorrow: Sing a bit in the morning to unlock my belly region

Day #4 Gratitude journal I am grateful to my manager who offered me a promotion to become a manager. i am grateful to my therapist for her wisdom and council and for leading me down a very positive path. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I was offered a promotion. Workout/run Nothing Meditation Listened to a track with calming music Visualisation Me being a manager Daily affirmation I am trusted with employees Reading + taking notes Getting to bed before 9pm Yes Weekly Goal(s) not touch my gaming computer Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: I got out of my home and I was social What I could have done to make my day better: Gone to sleep earlier What I will do differently tomorrow: go to sleep on time

Day #3 Gratitude journal I am grateful for my two wonderful sisters who I love so much. One amazing thing that happened/I did today I went to see a dentist about getting invisaligns. I have decided to proceed. Workout/run I walked about 40min to the dentist back and forth. Meditation A great soundtrack by four text called Two Thousand and seventeen. Visualisation In 1.5 years I will have a magic smile. Daily affirmation I am worthy to spend money on. Reading + taking notes None Getting to bed before 9pm Yes but not in a good way, Can’t sleep. Weekly Goal(s) not touch my gaming computer prepare for trip to my parents. Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family plan Christmas with friends. What went well today: I Decided to go forth with dental beauty program What I could have done to make my day better: be on time, I missed one appointment. What I will do differently tomorrow: be on time, focus on work and not teeth...

Day #2 Gratitude journal I am grateful for the professional psychologist that helped me find a specific specialist. i am grateful to my great colleagues who are nice and supportive. One amazing thing that happened/I did today A long legal and financial event in my life came to a close. Workout/run Woke up at 4 30 and went out running. Meditation In the subway, I did not hold on to anything. I was balancing on my own without support. Visualisation I drew a portrait of a woman which I saw in the weekend. It was the closest I have been to a woman in 10 years. Daily affirmation I am taking up space and that is ok. i am exploring hobbies because I want it Reading + taking notes Nothing Getting to bed before 9pm No, I fell asleep when I came home from work Weekly Goal(s) not touch my gaming computer Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: I finished a task at work that was overdue What I could have done to make my day better: I should have brought a snack my sweater is damaged. What I will do differently tomorrow: i will bring a snack

Answering these questions made me cry hysterically. Im a 35 yo male who has been gaming since 15. I have many talents but basically Wasted them all because of not being able to cope with my problems and life. My go to solution has always been gaming. As a teenager I decided I don’t want to live and fast forwarded my life with the help of gaming. I flunked out of university and moved back in with my parents in my twenties. I wasted almost 5 years in isolation there while my friends got kids and careers. Finally, thanks to family, friends and mental health support I slowly crawled out of the whole. I moved to another country to kickstart my career which went really well. However I never dealt with the gaming habit and continued to mess things up, which led to me being overlooked for promotion to a managerial position. Now I have been doing weekly therapy sessions for about a year and a half. I have kept gaming but lately something has happened. Before therapy I was chronically depressed. During therapy I got really really angry at women, my parents and society (incel style). Now I don’t feel angry anymore, or depressed. Currently Im exploring new hobbies. I’ve never had hobbies apart from gaming so I’m completely lost. I want to live.

Day #1 Gratitude journal A family member allowed me to teach him about tableau. I’m grateful because he let me help him with unemployment. My best friend called and was in despair. I calmed her down and helped her sort her thoughts. I’m grateful for having such a wonderful friend. One amazing thing that happened/I did today Painted clouds on my new iPad. Workout/run Walked to the library Meditation A nice breakfast with fruits and bacon Visualisation Daily affirmation I am social and people appreciate my company. Reading + taking notes I did a bit of Udemy courses and took notes at the same time. Getting to bed before 9pm I’m in med now with my iPad. Weekly Goal(s) not touch my gaming computer Monthly Goal Go to a art class or take a singing lesson 3 Month Goal stopped playing video games finished a course in personal finance enjoyable Christmas with family What went well today: I got out of my home and I was social What I could have done to make my day better: What I will do differently tomorrow: