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Everything posted by NixAvernal

  1. Hello everyone, it's been quite a while since I've posted here. But over that time, I've settled into a much more healthy relationship with gaming compared to the me of 2019 (though it was kind of scary through the pandemic I won't lie). Though I do come back because of another issue that I have - and that is with my other hobbies that I used to do to replace gaming. Keyword being used. These days, even when I want to do those hobbies because it's good for me or I like them, I just find it very difficult to put effort into doing them. I used to meditate everyday or be enthusiastic for sports but now instead of waking up at 5 for a daily run I'd rather stay in bed till 8 or something. It sucks for me because there's 3 hobbies I want to do to better myself: meditation to get more self-control; daily exercise routines to get fit; and language learning to learn Japanese - but for the past 3 months it feels like I've gone nowhere. Any help guys?
  2. Day 14 Sorry about not talking for a while, my mood hasn't really improved till recently (both because of my actions and some external things related to my non-gaming hobbies). But school's just started again, and I'm actually glad to have things to do now. I also published a very short (301 word) fanfiction. Didn't get many views but honestly doesn't matter - helped me get over my funk. One thing I want to improve is my mediation habit. Been forgetting to meditate for a while now.
  3. Technically Friday's Journal - Day 5 Got a bit of a mental breakdown yesterday because of reflection about my marks, and actually ended up with the shivers. Through the entire day my mind kept going back to video games, but I kept telling myself "No, this is my last chance to do something about my life and I won't fuck it up because I want to be fake-happy". It was a long 6 hours from lunch to dinner but I managed. Relearning mediation is going okay I guess. My ability to focus has actually gone down but I'll keep doing it everyday and try to get back to 10 minutes without interrupting myself. Japan studies are going well too.
  4. Sorry I skipped a day yesterday, results were out and I wasn't happy with them. Wasn't in the right mindset for a journal. After removing video games from my life (again), the days are starting to drag out slowly. Honestly, it feels nice and scary at the same time. Just a few days ago I'd probably be complaining that I don't have any time for anything - now I have too much time for everything! It'll probably change once uni starts again in 2 weeks time, but I think I'll be glad I have time. The brain fog is still there sometimes, but I'm powering through one day at a time. I'm going to go de-clutter my room now - Headspace says that it's a good way to get focused and I never bothered to do it before. Well, first time for everything.
  5. Someone said that the coronavirus is the most "loneliest of diseases" and honestly that person was right. These days, it really does feel like we're being crushed underneath the weight of being stuck at home and no way to release that energy, other than the easy way out. Before the pandemic, I relapsed a bit but still managed to game in moderation with mobile games because I had other activities that I found were pleasant during the detox attempt - going to hangouts with my uni clubs, jogging, attending extracurricular seminars - just being outside in general really helped move my mind away from video games and towards other things like studying. But now? I've been stuck at home for the good part of 4 months now, back at a country where I can't really do any of those things. So I relapsed. It felt minor at first - going through my Steam Library and seeing a game that I haven't played but recently it has spiralled out into 6+ hours of the same few PC games that honestly I don't even have fun playing but I still did because it became a habit again. My marks suffered again because why would I study when I could just waste time in-front of a screen? And now, with the possibility that my family is going to pull me out of university and do... something, my crows are coming home to roost. I've decided to detox again, and reading your journals has been a way to keep me motivated and going when I could easily slip back into picking up the PC and mouse again. Hearing that other people could endure this when it is so easy to give in and play games again is helping me drive my own detox. Keep on writing my good man, people might not reply but it's always a joy to read your thoughts.
  6. Day 1 - Morning Some days I'll be doing a two-part journal when I feel like I need to vent... and right now I really do feel like I need to vent. Yesterday, I had a falling out with my family in relation to my possibly bad marks (results are due tomorrow). My pandemic-based relapse had caused me to possibly fail 2 courses, and they pretty much put their foot down and said that I can't continue university anymore (as in they won't pay for my tuition). I'm not sure if they'll change their tone but if they don't, then I feel even more depressed than before. University was one of the only things that I had a clear goal with - graduate - and without that... I pretty much have nothing left. Also, with more reflection, I realised that the pandemic had upturned my entire progress on having a life. Before, I used to use the fact that I could leave and go outside as a way to destress but now I'm back at my home country and my usual methods of destressing (going to a gym, taking a hike) are pretty much non-existent. So I turned back to the one thing that I had - games. And now I'm paying for it. Sorry if this is a bit heavy handed, but I really needed to take it out of my system. Not sure what will happen tomorrow but hopefully it's for the best.
  7. So here I am again. It's been nearly a year since I posted here before, and honestly it was going well. I relapsed a bit ~45 days in and picked up some mobile games but I still managed to study properly, have an active social life and find things to do other than be glued to a screen the whole day. ...then the Coronavirus happened and upended my life. Now I'm stuck back at home, away from my university in another country. Being stuck inside, I've gone back to spending way too much time online and playing games. I'm trying to find excuses to do anything but study and it's taking a toll on not just my marks but my mental health. I'm basically become a shut-in who wants to get out but can't find a reason to. So I'm cutting off gaming again and this time I'm going for the full 90 day detox. I've already ditched my PC and typing on a laptop which can't really run any games, and blocked about every online game website. I'm trying to get habits that I lost because of the lockdown and finally get rid of gaming once and for all. My current question that I have for today is if I should ditch Discord? Honestly it has been the only way that I could keep in touch with my non-gaming friends, though it is easy to access gaming websites with it still.
  8. Day 23 Sorry about dropping out of the face of the earth like that, uni work and extracirrcular stuff has made me kinda forget about this. But I haven't forgotten about my gaming detox... kinda. So last week I did go to a club event, it was a LAN event. I did play some coop games there but not for too long and I didn't have any cravings afterwards. Though I'll try to keep away from these kinds of events in the future, incase of a relapse. Though lately I do have another issue - I've been reading fanfiction a little more than usual as of late. I've noticed this and am cutting off it as much as possible. Reintroducing Discord has worked a bit better than expected. After deleting every group that I didn't go to anymore (mostly gaming), I only have clubs and some odd chat groups. And I don't have a craving to check them all the time. Days without gaming - 23 Days without too much fanfiction - 1
  9. Less of a gaming disorder question and more of a "trying to be more productive" one. At uni, I have a small habit of constantly checking my phone for Facebook messages. I want to stop that so that I can focus on the lectures. I know that there are apps for this on Android, but I'm on an iPhone. Are there any apps that restrict app access or just outright prevent me from using my iPhone?
  10. Very late day 10 Nearly 2 weeks into my detox and I don't have that many cravings (as in intense desires)... but I still am surprised at how much my mind wants to go back to playing games whenever I'm "idle". Especially since I've been getting "game dreams" for the past week. It's almost become a habit, you can say. Anyway, went to the gym for a trial run at boxing. Had to stop about 30 minutes into the hour and half session cos my body felt like dying. But for 30 minutes, it was very enjoyable.
  11. Day 9, written on the morning of Day 10 I was reading Ready Player One the other day (personally I agree that the movie was better) and one line in the book caught my eye: "when most of the world was looking for an escape from reality, the OASIS provided it, in a form that was cheap, legal, safe and not (medically proven to be) addictive." Why that line? Because in the world of RPO, everything is going to shit. Wars are happening in every country, there's a global energy crisis and overpopulation crisis, big corporations control everything. But the people, instead of doing something about it, retreat into the OASIS and just spend hours inside it, escaping their problems and never facing up to them. As someone who cut off gaming and is starting to feel the good effects of it, I'd personally not want to live in the world of RPO. Anyway, today's a big day for me. It's the start of the third term of university. Back for another 2 and a half months of hitting the books - properly this time. P.S. If you read Ready Player One before, I'd recommend reading the "official fan-fiction" Lacero. I think it makes the story better when you read again back later.
  12. Day 8 Finished The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Quite a nice audiobook to listen to, and some lessons to keep into heart. Not as much cravings today, but did get distracted a bit.
  13. DAY 7 Seven days without playing a game. Honestly, 7 days ago I probably wouldn't have thought it possible to not play for more than 3 days. But here I am. Things in my life that have changed: - The "brain haze" that I had is starting to dissapate. Somedays it's still there but I can start thinking clearly again without going to autopilot. - Not binge eating as much. Now that I can think, I actually now think before I got to my local Maccas for a snack. - Motivation to study has improved. - Boredom is now just a loose feeling than a crushing one. Things that need improvement: - I still spend way too much time browsing fanfiction online when I'm bored. - My mind still likes to wander when I study. It's an improvement but there's still work. Tomorrow, I'll try to slowly reintroduce Discord into my life. I'll delete all of the gaming-related channels and just stick with the ones used by my school clubs. I'm still committed to the full 90 day detox though.
  14. Honestly it's probably for the best if you delete your account altogether, but at least for the 90 day detox, you can set up a temporary email, move your steam login credentials to that email and set the email and its password to your main email 90 days later using a future email service.
  15. Day 5-Day 6 Morning Writing this on day 6, as I spent last night studying. Had a very weird dream based on Battle Royale games. I never even played one, but that just goes to show how much I spent watching them on YouTube I guess. Yesterday was okay all around. Signed up to a gym - finally. Went around my school's orientation week, briefly talked to some people around. Spent some time self-reflecting and trying to find my will to study. This morning was a lot less pretty. Woke up at 4 am and couldn't sleep. Ended up twisting and turning in my bed for an hour before I fell unconscious again. Then, during my walk, my cravings to watch YouTube intensified to the point I was about to hit a video, but I turned it off immediately. It was a close call but that kinda made me feel down still. Tomorrow, I'll gather my thoughts and write down what 1 week without gaming has brought me.
  16. Day 4 Woke up to a dream about gaming. First time ever that I dreamt about games. Morning cravings are much better now though. Went to a couple of counsellors to deal with my potential depression. We had an agreement that cutting video games will help, so I'm getting somewhere. My relation with my mother is not though. She wants me to do a full cut from everything online - forums (this one included), YouTube (includes things like TED talks, computer programming vids), audiobooks etc. I know she wants the best for me, but all this talk and micromanaging of my life makes me worried that I might snap from the pressure and relapse. --- Status Gaming - 4 days Game-related Social - 4 days
  17. Day 3 Went out again. The empty void is still there, but no longer as heavy anymore. It's starting to feel... nice? To be quiet now. I've decided to pickup audiobooks now, currently listening to The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck. Status Gaming - 3 day Game-related Social - 3 day
  18. Thanks for the blog recommendation @Natalie. Was a fun and insightful read. A weird thing happened this afternoon. I was going out for some errands and then I realised something. It was the first time that my mind was blank. Like no thoughts blank. It felt... weird. Like there was a heavy void in my head. No afternoon cravings, but still typing in gaming websites out of habit whenever I open a new type. That's annoying. Status Gaming - 2 day Game-related Social - 2 day
  19. Midday update, after an argument with my mother when I asked her about going to an escape room that one of my clubs is scheduling. She's really mad with me for failing my courses and is more or less yelling at me to put fixing my marks over everything else. And I mean everything else, even trying to get over my gaming addiction. I really want to learn extra hobbies to try and drive me away from turning to gaming as an outlet but she won't allow it, cos she's worried that I'd become addicted to that instead of gaming. But last time, we went through the same exact argument and that led me to playing games during lectures - I play games to escape all the pressure that I have on me to succeed. She thinks I have an addictive personality, that no matter what I do, I'll become addicted to something other than studying. I don't think I have one, but now I'm stuck in a dead end. She won't let me do anything else but study, while I want to find something other than study else I might get a relapse due to stress and anxiety over schoolwork. Any help guys?
  20. DAY 2 OF DETOX Rather early update as of now, but I need to get this off my chest. Mornings suck. I'm someone who always always wakes up at 4 am no matter when I sleep. Sleep at 10? Wake up at 4? Sleep at 1? 4 am, my brain is kicking the rest of me awake. And the cravings. One day and already my body is trying to go back to its old habit. I stayed up for 2 hours tossing and turning in my bed, trying NOT to reach out and grab my phone to check Discord/Reddit. At the end though, I opened Game Quitters and just listened to Cam taking about some topic and my cravings subsided. Went on my daily walk, without headphones. It's actually kinda... calming how walking without background music is. Probably will update again at the end of the day.
  21. DAY 1 OF DETOX Nix - an old term for nothing. That was the name of my most common gaming handle that I picked when I was 15. At that time, I thought it was a fun thing to do. But now, 6 years later, gaming has taken over my life and I realised that I need to change something big. I thought of detoxing 3 months ago actually, after I failed my grades for the second time in my university life. But guess I got cold feet. Told myself "Doesn't matter if you play just a bit, you can pick up mediation and do volunteering work." But yesterday my crows came home to roost. I failed two of my required courses and barely managed to pass a third. Had a falling out with my entire family and friends, said that I can't be trusted anymore. Honestly I can't trust myself either. So, I decided to bite the bullet and stop my gaming habits for real. Here's what I'm hoping to do. Stop playing games on my laptop - Self-explanatory, but I noticed that I play games during lectures and tutorials. I really need to fix this problem. Stop going on Reddit, Discord, YouTube, etc - This I feel is about as bad as playing games for me. I get easily obsessed with games and then spend hours upon hours just watching videos or discussions online. I need to stop this as much as possible. Stop playing games on my phone - Personally this'll be harder than ones on my laptop since one game I sunk $500+ into. I haven't deleted that game yet because I hate thinking of throwing 2 years of work and that much cash away. I just hope I can not touch it and be okay. My hopes for this detox: Getting Better Grades - I used to do very well in school until gaming took over. I hope to capture my old spark back. Be social - I've always been a recluse in real life. I hope to get something like a circle of friends that I can trust. Do well for my family - I've finally realised how much that my family gave up for me. I really want to pay them back for the goodwill that I honestly don't deserve. I know that it's going to be tough. Even today, my hand started typing in Reddit the second I opened a new tab. But for my best, I hope I do well. Status Gaming - 1 day Game-related Social - 1 day
  22. I have a community on Discord that I frequent, related to a game. We didn't just discuss about the game - we shared fanart, translated comics and even vented our frustrations. There, I really felt like I was part of an actual community. But I realised that I spent too much time on Discord. In lectures, instead of taking notes or listening, I had a tab open and kept chatting. It really consumed me, but on the other hand I have other communities in Discord that I need (like clubs). Should I drop Discord anyway?
  23. My name's Nathan, 21 years old and currently an international student studying in Australia. I'm fully committing to quitting games and changing my life after I got my results for this term. I have gotten fails for the 3rd straight semester in a row and just got my first double fail. I have fully realised that I've let people down, and my life is about to go down into a disaster spiral if I don't change. Thing is, I'm scared of change. I tried to quit last term. I took up photography as a hobby, went to a convention to volunteer (which was one of the best experiences I ever had) and tried to take up mediation. But a month in, my mediation lapsed, my camera is gathering dust and my motivation to volunteer has gone down the drain. All I wanted to do was crawl in bed and find something - anything - to play. I felt like I've lost control of my life. I missed assignments, I fell out with my project members, and I never did well on my exams. I feel like this really is my final chance to do something, before I feel like my life is a useless, worthless mess.