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Ikar

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Posts posted by Ikar

  1. Day 18 morning:

    I've dreamed quite a bunch since I stopped gaming. I dreamed about playing some Wolfenstein game today. I had a very vague feel during it of how relapse would feel IRL. I also dreamed about my ex in the past few days, but I didn't get any specific feelings out of that. Last reply I got from her was a week ago, so I'll guess I'll see about her in a year. That ought be interesting, as I'm set out for the best year of my life!

  2. Day 17:

    I watched ep. 13 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast (fun fact: I had my lunch for breakfast). I started working on the school project and I'll try to get it done tomorrow. I did some research into business. I did some prep for English teaching in the afternoon.

    In the afternoon,  I went for a job interview for one language school, but I'm not 100% sold on their method of teaching, so my performance wasn't very on-point, so I'll see what comes out of this. Later on, I went English teaching on my own terms, I had a good time and I believe my students had a good time too!

    In the evening, my mom invited me to an opera (for a lack of other suitable partners). If I got it right, a guy refused to wake up and stayed in a dream forever to stay with a girl. I've heard modern plays can have multiple interpretations though, so I am not too unhappy if that's actually not true!

    I am SMASHED. I've been in motion since I left for the interview in the afternoon. I'm content, I got some experience.

    Tomorrow I'll get the school project done on top of some studying for an exam on Friday.

  3. Analytical and interesting.

    My two cents on that would be that I told my ex in the beginnings that I am not sure if I can love her, after not having a romantic relationship before. I got proved that I was very wrong in that statement.

    As for acts of kindness, I've observed 2 types of them in myself:

    1) manual state - you purposefully do/buy/make something nice for your girl, generally you can take a good stab by going for something general (flowers, plants, chocolate) or something she has interest in (knitting, modeling, gardening), but that might be a bit rougher, as she's likely knowledgeable in the field and you'd need to figure out what she'd like specifically to make your gift relevant

    2) state of flow - that's the state you are happy with how your day is going 100%, you feel like you could do anything, your head is sparking with ideas and you really spontaneously find something amazing, be it a gift, activity or whatever else

    • Like 3
  4. 2 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

    Hey ElectroNugget,

    I'm really interested in that sentence you've written. Could you tell more about it? Because I'm asking myself how someone can notice that.

     

    1 hour ago, ElectroNugget said:

    Hey man.

    Well, I'm going to have to get a little into the nitty-gritty to fully explain it. I'm going to try to be a little vague for her sake and mine, but to be short my girlfriend has had some mental health issues in the distant past. I have had troubles with porn-induced ED (erectile dysfunction). When we began our relationship I felt it would be best to be honest with her about my ongoing attempts to quit porn, and that sometimes things in bed might go sideways due to that. Basically, that's happened a few times and she seems to have taken it as a slight against her body image, and feels like she has an impossible competition vs. porn for sexual attention. That's really impacted her self esteem, and that's fair. I really don't want to hurt her in this way, so it's been an extra motivator for me to quit for good this time.

    I'm also reading a book called 'The Porn Trap', by Larry and Wendy Maltz, which goes into further details on how porn can affect your sex life and your relationships. It's really eye-opening. I've traded temporary pleasure for real love, affection and my own self-esteem my whole life, having to hide this dirty secret from everyone. Now I am trying to liberate myself from it and be open about it so I can change.

    I hope that's clear without being too graphic. ?

    Indeed, talking from experience, my ex also suffered from mental-induced self-worthlessness, low self-esteem and low self-confidence. She would never say "I love myself". Frankly, my answer on the question "Do you love yourself?" back then would be "well, I kinda like myself", which wouldn't be very convincing either.

    I would tell her she's beautiful and she would just brush it off, yet I can't even begin to fathom what would happen if I told her she was ugly!

    I'm fap-free until Monday myself, so good luck! Nicely done on 29.

  5. Day 16:

    I feel thoroughly tired. After groceries, visiting grandma and teaching, I got into Location Rebel again and I was just busy researching what does it take to run around my country like a freelancer. I also had to set up my exam schedule.

    I feel like stuff is hectic, but honestly, has it ever been less hectic? I think not!

  6. Hi Radtech!

    2 hours ago, The radtech said:

    I have to ask now since you wrote "NO FAP" week and your sentence started out with "I released this morning..." I gotta ask if you really meant that  or if you meant "I relapsed this morning" and by that you meant gaming and not FAP ??

    anyways , really awesome you are getting more confident and that you are good at spending your time at home really efficiant thats cool. Its been 16 days now and I hope will get through the rest without too much rtouble ? 

    No, by "releasing" I mean releasing sperm or masturbating, just making it a bit of an euphenism ?

    It feels good to fight whatever life brings with full strength. I remember the deep division in myself when I wanted to game even just a month ago, when something inside was telling me I should focus on other things too. I will persevere.

    I'm confident I'll make the full 90, thanks for your support! ?

  7. Day 16 morning:

    I released this morning which I am not 100% happy with. I'll commit to a week-long "NoFap" then, as doing it once a week is more time efficient and more pleasurable too.

    I watched ep. 12 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I did some more "lifestyle business" research and I think I can tackle it, as I really enjoy being at home, studying, making myself more knowledgeable, working out and overall progressing towards a better life. I feel like I am tearing down barriers of the old me and I'm far more confident in exploring the unknown.

    On a related note, I might want to scan for a more checklist-based schedule that some people have around the forums. I slacked on language learning for a few days now and I'd like to get the habit of reading a page a day (in a hardcover book) going, but I am stuck behind a computer out of habit, though the urge to really needing to do so is gone. I'm hardly ever bored, but even then, change of pace and environment is nice and prevents negative mental states. Hopefully it won't crash too hard into my spontaneous way of doing things, so I won't be sick of it.

    Schedule:

    Monday: BUSINESS (Location Rebel + Fastlane forums) + grandma, post, English teaching

    Tuesday: SCHOOL PROJECT + DIARY RESEARCH + business, work out

    Wednesday: TBD

    Thursday: TBD

    Friday: SCHOOL EXAM

    Saturday: TBD

    Sunday: TBD

  8. Hey!

    You can try out the hobby tool Cam made: https://gamequitters.com/hobby-tool/

    There's also his YT for some more tips and tricks for life: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCTbbu5C5sq9VStQD2gvIN_g/videos

    There's some good ideas for activities you can do when you feel "idle" and honestly, business is not out of the question for you, there's just some paperwork related to your parents.

    One thing to keep in mind if you really don't want to go to school anymore is that you either self-educate heavily on how to make money (and pick up other valuable info along the way) or, with elementary education, you're gonna end up being a road-worker, driver or a three-shift factory worker, which are not the best places to be in, trust me.

    Hope this helps!

  9. 23 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

    The thing is, that I like the book "twelve ruloes for life" and I enjoy reading it. It's just, this isn't nearly as exciting as video games. It's slow, it's silent, you always have to think and maybe reread a section. So in comparison to gaming i wouldn't say I have fun. I see this not as a bad thing, but I have to experience, that real life is not that stimulating and I have to get used to this. Do not get me wrong now, but there are of course activities that make you feel very passionate, but I'm not far enough yet.

    In terms of "NoFap", I had this aswell, but it was years ago. Maybe I should consider changing my goal to no pornography instead of no masturbation at all. I'll think about it.

    Thank you very much Ikar. I really appreciate your feedback and it's helping me alot! Much thanks!

    I think we might be doing what Cam suggested; go out to be productive. I can take a book outside but I can't take my desktop PC outside too easily. In my room, it's not a fair fight between a book and a computer in my eyes.

    No problem! Glad somebody is sharing my awkward story ?

  10. Day 15:

    In the morning, I went for the groceries. I watched ep. 11 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Then I wanted to eliminate some tabs out of my browser, but I just ended up watching Tai Lopez for the rest of the morning, taking some notes in the meanwhile, because he made some good points in his videos.

    Unfortunately, around lunch time, when I was doing a phone cleanup, a photo of my ex showed up and I remembered she didn't reply on my honest reflections about the relationship, what went good, what went wrong etc. Therefore, I got disrupted for a few hours, talking to friends, taking a walk and generally figuring out what to do, as I am 99% sure there's no reply coming.

    There goes the vow of support she gave me on Day 2. Funny, I remember when I was like her. Not anymore. What brought us together also tore us apart. I am inclined to believe now that any attempts to deliver a message with my name would just build up resentment in her, so I'll either opt for something very, very subtle or put her into the "year and a day" program. Nevertheless, I forgive her.

    "Year and a day" program has run it's course for a girl I randomly started talking to on a train about a year ago. We ended up after the following FB conversation in a slight dislike. I coined the promise of writing her in a year and so I wrote her yesterday. Oddly enough, she's responsive and shared some insights on going abroad.

    In the evening, I English taught a young kid in a nearby village. He looks like a cool guy. Shame he's somewhat shackled by modern technology and "modern" school system.

    There are no happy endings. Unless I fight for them. I will fight then.

    Schedule coming up tomorrow.

  11. Day 14:

    I got up, ate and went on the school trip. It was another nice trip outside and later on I hanged out with a buddy of mine until the evening. Yet again, I was tired after spending the whole day outside, so all I did in the evening was to chat a little on the Internet, watch ep. 10 of the WWII documentary and just slack for the day.

    I'll pick up the pace tomorrow, get through some emails and videos at the very least.

    Another note, I didn't really mention it in my journal, as I wasn't very proud of it, but I am in the habit of daily masturbation and I'd like to cut it down to every other day/every third day. Unless I'd find a very special lady, but I'm not planning on a relationship after I just got out of one!

    • Like 2
  12. It depends on the expectations you put into the book. You can be hardly motivated to read some subject you don't care about. Generally, that's not really required on high-school in most subjects, it's more around the time of university/college when that starts to ramp up.

    "No Fap" seems odd, I am sure it's not too practical. A healthy male has to "release" at some point, as sperm gets renewed in between some 60-90 days (forgot the exact number) and it goes away when you "release" it.

    My awkward story speaks for itself; when I was younger, not "releasing" but activating sexually, I had these "pollutions" every 14 days or so, where I would just wake up wet, with my body "releasing" while I was asleep! Generally with some sort of a sexual dream as well and no, I didn't wet my bed ? 

    I've been releasing on a daily basis consistently for a while, however I imagine the ideal state is to do it 1-2x a week, so I'll have to change the habit too. I've never heard anyone talking about having too much sex though ?

  13. 4 hours ago, taichi said:

    Thank you for your insight.

    What I am finding out, the hard way, is that I don't give unconditional love. People have to be special and serve my interests loyally for me to love them.

    Thus my past relationships have been psychologically abusive ones, my current one also rapidly turning that way.

    Thankfully, or more like miraculously, my current girlfriend has objected to my abuse and is still willing to stay with me, as long as I seek professional help for my inner troubles.

    Funny thing is, I think my response about a month ago would've been different, as I was freshly out of a relationship and I never saw the end coming.

    Realizing your past relationship, I think with you eventually overcoming the addiction successfully and her being a witness and a supporter in the witness, would create a strong sense of gratitude on your part towards her!

    • Like 1
  14. Day 13:

    I got up, ate and went on the school trip. We saw some nice exhibits, sights and nature. After all that, we just hanged out in a pub, so I got a beer. It felt nice to collectively socialize after some time. We also walked a bunch, meaning I am fairly tired as I am writing this. I think I'll be able to collectively socialize tomorrow as well, so that should be good!

    • Like 2
  15. Damn man, that's rough.

    I've been through a breakup recently, I tried to reflect on it and sent my thoughts to my ex. She was, in the end, the main impulse that made me hit rock bottom. Month after the breakup, I realized gaming/Twitch is the cause I am neglecting my priorities. I used gaming/Twitch to avoid them. Second lesson, tied to this now that I think of it, was lack of self-love. I'm positive we genuinely tried our best to make the other one feel good, while we treated ourselves as crap individually.

    You posted it in the other thread, but your wife did some pretty irresponsible and impertinent stuff too. I think she just didn't take your addiction seriously with buying your kids games. It really is as if you put a bottle of booze in front of an alcoholic and told him not to drink it.

    You drew the line a few days back, by being more conscious of your acts. You are trying. You must accept the fact however, that she might never try herself to understand, but that is OK. You're doing this change for yourself. Anything you reclaim with that decision is a nice "side effect", but you can't bank on it.

    Stay strong.

    • Like 2
  16. 5 hours ago, taichi said:

    According to my former psychiatrist, my problem stems from a lack of core self-esteem, the sense that I will be loved no matter what I do.

    Ugh that sounds like a lie. Honestly, is that a real thing?

     

    4 hours ago, Sapuverell said:

    When you can't know the truth, then why don't you pick what is best for you and your people around you?

    That's actually a pretty good answer. I think mothers feel that way towards their kids naturally.

    What's even more amazing that you actually find a person and build up unconditional love from zero with them too.

    • Like 2
  17. Day 12:

    In the morning, I went for the groceries. I watched ep. 9 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Then I started figuring out the (ROCKET) SCIENCE OF HUMAN RELATIONSHIPS! I got a decent draft of my message for my ex.

    After lunch, I watched some Location Rebel videos and got mildly confused and discouraged because of that, but I'll just need more time to dive into it again. After that, I worked out a little bit while finalizing the message in my head.

    I sent my ex a message of my reflections on our past relationship as honestly and accurately as I could, and I'm hoping she will share hers with me as well.

    • Like 1
  18. Great job with having her back!

    That said, if you have learned your lesson with gaming, do yourself a solid, try to make sure she learned hers.

    It sounds odd, but in my case my (ex)gf broke up with me, because she couldn't change me. Paradoxically, once she was gone, I could focus on myself. It took me alone time to realize my addiction affected everything in my life. I think you had a similar realization.

    I'm putting it out here because of my day 11. Gaming and general neglect about my life were probably the biggest reason we broke up on my part, but I have a sneaking suspicion I know what the biggest neglect on her part was as well (and it wouldn't be that she wouldn't love me) and I'd hate to be denied the opportunity to tell her that face to face.

    I suggest you and K have a conversation about it! You can do this ?

  19. Day 11:

    This has to be the weirdest day since I started this journal.

    I started the day off with a headache, so I naturally wasn't happy about getting up at all. When I finally managed to do that, I took a painkiller (though I really dislike doing that) I watched ep. 8 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. Hour later, I still had a headache, so I decided to take a hot bath and I was just in time for lunch.

    After lunch however, I slept for three more hours, until I managed to get up at roughly 1500. I played some Scrabble, watched a few videos and went outside with basketball to get moving. As I feel my need for social ramping up with the absence of Twitch, I wrote my friend who lives nearby and asked him if he'd go out have a beer with me and he wrote me we can probably set up something during the weekend, so I'm looking forward to that!

    After that, I was chatting with my (ex)girl when she suddenly mentioned she and a guy, who she's been writing with for four years, want to meet because they understand other. I was literally neutrally surprised when I got the message. I think nothing of it, as I don't think I am in a position to do anything and I won't be there until June to share "lessons learned", so after a small lag, I casually continued in the conversation.

    Later on, I went onto watching some Preston Smiles and Jordan Peterson, as I felt I needed something new.

    Glory be to the ambivalence of life, I'm happy the headache didn't last the whole day!

  20. Day 10:

    In the morning, I watched ep. 7 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast. I even brushed my teeth during the time! I worked on finishing school project 3, as today was the deadline and being already halfway done from yesterday helped immensely.

    In the afternoon, I cycled to go English teaching. Much to my dismay, I left my preparation for it at home on my USB! I was a bit confused and nervous, because part of my plan was gone, however I managed to pull through.

    In the evening, I finalized my paper and sent it, watched some Simpsons, some GQ videos and right now I'm chilling for the rest of the night, while creating the schedule below.

    Schedule:

    Mon: SCHOOL PROJECT 3

    Tue: SCHOOL PROJECT 3

    Wed: SCHEDULE SCHEDULE (lol) + emails, work out, reflect

    Thu: FIND OUT MORE TO START OWN BUSINESS = SCHOOL PROJECT + reflect

    Fri: SCHOOLTRIP 1

    Sat: SCHOOLTRIP 2

    Sun: find out more to start own ENG business? drum? get good morning/evening routines?

    I also see exams on uni creeping up.

  21. 1 hour ago, Person said:

    Hey I checked out your journal! It's pretty awesome that you decided to start working on yourself considering your girlfriend's decision to take time off. My first relationship started off really needy.  I was really too dependent on her for my own happiness. Things didn't go to well, but I guess you live and learn.  I'm happy you weren't too stagnant from that feeling of withdrawal, and made a decision to help yourself.  ? So best of luck man. Really digging the positive attitude you have.

    Thanks!

    She actually tried to actively change/add some of my habits before that, but obviously I felt defensive about it and I took it in the way of needing to make a stand against her. She tried to make me work out, but without her working out and being a role model, there was no way that she would accomplish that. Now I'm in a different spot however and I work out because I want to!

    Oddly enough, I was happy just to have her nearby, she literally didn't have to do anything, apart from being herself.

    My main objective is to show her that now I am in a good spot and I'll do that just by showing up. Anything else will be a bonus afterwards.

  22. Day 9:

    In the morning, I watched ep. 6 of the WWII documentary while I was eating breakfast (I noticed I've watched ep. 3 twice according to the diary!). I had two job interviews, both involved English and I think I left a good impression on both of them. However I felt a bit anxious on the second one, because I literally set it up an hour before it happened, because I happened to be nearby. I became more anxious as I was going home, so my main objective was to not crash the car!

    I came home fine, became self-aware, watched Cam's video on Escapism, acknowledged my anxiety and got over it. It's sometimes funny how a bit of uncertainty about youself (like if the interviewer was happy with my English, as if I didn't know already that I'm good at it!) can spiral out further (I wasn't sure if I could get down to work on project 3, because I had to teach later on and I had "only" three hours until then). I managed to sit down on it and get some progress in in the end.

    After that, I taught beginners and worked on project 3, as per the rule, "Due tomorrow? Do tomorrow!" ?

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