NEW VIDEO: I Quit MMOs and THIS Happened
Ikar
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Posts posted by Ikar
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2 hours ago, DaBest said:
Makes a lot of sense. On one end of the spectrum, there's "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy" and on the other end is Peter Pan (there's your Peterson reference, lol). That's great that you have that in place, since being social is generally the healthiest of escapes, provided you aren't binge drinking or anything like that. I've been incredibly isolated for the past year and lost friendships, and even more so the past few months, though I'm managing it much better overall. That makes a lot of negative emotions sting a lot worse, which is also a cue for me to do all my bad habits. My hope is as long as I keep meditating, journaling, working out, getting good at my job, and being as social as I can be, that eventually the desire to go back to my bad habits will go down.
Yes, I am very happy and grateful that I have this option. I still sometimes think that my relationships with other men are not what they should be (I don't think I have a deep guy friendship at the dorms), but seeing what other people are going through the last year, that's an excellent problem to have. I think the bad habits just grow a lot easier if one is too isolated.
2 hours ago, DaBest said:I also had a political conversation (won't be repeated here) with some people at work today. I was genuinely curious as to the other people's position which was opposite my own, as I like to challenge my own beliefs. Afterwards, I felt a) like these people viewed me as a leper, and b) was genuinely shocked that they were viewing my stance as "unempathetic," which considering I've lived such a broken childhood, I'm really attuned to the suffering of others since I knew my own all too well (and still do at times). This REALLY depressed me and took up a lot of mental space today. It also made me sad that society has gotten to the point where we really cannot have honest debate without attacking people directly, amongst some other more specific things. My mind went into negative overdrive and started thinking about all my failures and broken friendships. Thankfully, a trip to the gym plus the exercise I mentioned before helped clear up my mind. I still feel genuine sadness over the disconnection (and yes I know I'm being vague about what was said). However, I'm grateful for the conversation because a) I'm speaking my mind more, which historically I haven't unless I felt super safe, b) I took a risk, which I normally don't do, and c) it gave me some ideas on how I could handled it better. I really do crave connection of any kind right now, so the rejection of my ideas (and myself really) was hard, but I think I've bounced back. I'm just going to keep learning how to best connect with others despite the circumstances.
I think it's a good idea to peek out to see if we're not in an echo chamber every once in a while. What I've been practicing recently is to ask about something, listen and then decide in my own mind whether I agree or disagree with the person (and even whether I want to interact with them in the future).
I had a short talk with one of my friends about this yesterday. Most people you'll ever hang out with are "{insert activity here} buddies" you meet usually only for a single highly specific reason. Maybe you go to the pub every Saturday or see them every other day at work, but that's that. You don't meet afterwards.
I think it's only worth discussing political issues with people you already have built some respect and trust with. Every other "acquaintance" person who happens to disagree with you will go talk to the other 20 people in the office with whom they might agree with. If my gut is correct, my guess is that your work colleagues are more fearful than you are. Take it for what it is and don't worry about it.
Regardless of what people say, it's better to know what they do. To give you back the Peterson reference/paraphrase: "What you believe is ultimately what you act out, not what you say."
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I'm using the template I used the last time. 26/12/20 - 10/02/20
"L" will stand for the (last) plan/notes for this term. "T" will stand for done this term. I added "Future goals/direction" to better reflect on the things I am trying to do and to add specificity. I will copy it and stick it somewhere where I can see it to remind myself whenever I feel aimless.
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Active writing (blogs/writings/journal):L: I want to continue writing Past Authoring and I'm going to finish it by the end of the year.
T: I hardly wrote anything these past 6 weeks or so. When I wrote, I was working on my bachelor thesis, writing my diary here or writing on the NMMNG forum, but I spent little time on either of them.
Future goals/direction:
Finish Past Authoring and the whole course.
Write on my blog.
Keep writing in my diary here twice a week.
Work on "Breaking Free Exercises" from the NMMNG book.
Books/Reading articles:L: I want to finish "Extreme Ownership" and read through the newsletters that accumulated in my mail.
T: I finished the "Extreme Ownership" on 2nd January. I got into reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, but I think so far it's been only one session of reading before bed over a week ago. It's more of a "calm down before bed" book and I normally am calm before bed regardless. I've been keeping up the newsletters.
Future goals/direction:
Continue getting through the newsletters.
Pick up "Ordinary Men" I got for Christmas.
Family:L: Mom is home again.
T: Mom is home and I feel all the stuff that she had to go through made her a more responsible person and maybe shifted her values in a way to be more family-oriented. That's good news, at least for me personally and other family members.
Future goals/direction:
University:L: I want to be done with the exams in a month. Start working on the bachelor thesis right after the exams. I'm also already working out the field of study of my masters and Erasmus/VIA for the next year.
T: I finished the exams as planned. I've started working on my bachelor thesis, figuring out my masters and the process of going abroad via VIA Exchange. I've been putting in the hours into university daily quite steadily.
Future goals/direction:
Work on the bachelor thesis.
Choose my masters program in a month.
Apply successfully for VIA Exchange by passing the tests and interviews.
Exercise/movement:L: Walks.
T: Less walks. I think I had sex more times than I went for a walk. Otherwise nothing continual.
Future goals/direction:
Work out twice/thrice a week in my room.
Social:L: The evenings have been less social this month, but the bowling was nice for a while.
T: I had about a week of nearly no social activity around Christmas. I had no classes to teach and most of the people from the dorm were home. I felt somewhat uncomfortable because of it. The rest of the time, the evenings were predominantly social. I think I use the evenings to blow off steam after a day's work and to actually see people and to talk to them for two three hours.
Future goals/direction:
English:L: I sent out the mails. The response to them was next to nothing (just one online interview), but there might be an interview or two coming up. I met up once or twice with my friend, but the cooperation thing is not really viable at the moment due to CV.
T: My current workload is 12 hours per week, sometimes fluctuating to 15. I took the substitution opportunity in January for three weeks that basically doubled the amount for a while. I watched some online seminars and tried a few new activities with students. The co-operation is not viable until we can meet normally.
Future goals/direction:
I am going to send out some mails again to language schools and various other subjects to set up interviews from my secondary email.
I am going to pursue closer co-operation with my English mentor.
I am going to check out a few more seminars on how to run online courses.
The idea of asking for a raise has been on my mind for a while. I have a potential partial replacement, but it's shoddy, so I don't want to quit my main employer. The bad news is that I don't even see my boss during these times. I want to get some advice for this from others.
Women/dating:L: I learnt that perhaps I do not have as hard-core of a monogamous mentality as I thought I would have. I'm also probably more aware than ever that everybody is fucked up, including myself. There are a few women I could think of in the romantic plane in my area. I don't think it makes much sense to be writing about specific women though. I came to the realization that planning in this area is usually cumbersome and counterproductive.
I cut one of the relationships, did sex and I'm keeping my eyes peeled.
I was predicting the change in my sexual mindset and behavior for a long time. I behaved and acted in line with it. I just needed the reality to catch up on it; similarly to that when I was gaming, I got fired from the post office several days after I quit gaming, because most of my (unsatisfactory) work there was done when I was still gaming.
In the past, I believe I looked at the more obvious sexual displays of others with both distaste and envy at the same time. Especially when I thought that I have no other option than to sit and do nothing or to get drunk and hope that something happens. It just took some time to internalize that the thing standing between me and a good (even if only sexual) relationship with a woman is... me.
As long as there are two consenting adults, whatever goes. Whether it's a good idea or not is another question (given the circumstances), but I won't villanify that behavior a priori anymore.
That said, a horrible relationship is better than none at all. The cataclysmic end of my last one was likely the trigger for me to quit games for good. Nothing is forcing anyone to stay and die in a horrible relationship, except the lack of options in one's head.
T: I learnt a lot about the sexuality of women over the past few weeks by spending time with the Spanish girl. I learnt a bunch about my sexuality as well. I also learnt relationships can be more nuanced. It's been a great learning experience so far.
Future goals/direction:
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Masturbation - reminder:L: I think it'll be as with gaming - I tried to haphazardly quit gaming multiple times, but finally by getting here I reached the breaking point. It's likely gonna take more than a few weeks and re-making the decision that I don't have time to waste. Ejaculation is easy for me to handle, it's just that masturbation overall is difficult to get rid of. It's a process.
This term was quite rough, especially with all the female attention that I've been getting recently. Masturbation is taking a toll on my sleep schedule, but I believe I will manage to handle it in a more healthy way. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do such a thing if I had a girl with whom I could have sex every (other) day, but my sexuality still my own responsibility even in that case and I have to deal with it in a way that doesn't screw me over.
T: After having sex, I found out that I am more accepting of masturbation and that I do not hinge on it as much. Maybe because I already internalized the belief that sex in "just another" (yet important) thing in my life or because it's easier to get than I thought. Either way, I sense more peace in myself in this area.
Meditation:L: I never got around to do it, though it could be that I incorporate some of it while working out or singing along with music or while on a walk. I want to figure out where to put it into my daily rhythm. I meditated a few times and I enjoyed the calmness. I gotta step up the relaxing activities, even though it sounds like an oxymoron 😄
I think reading + meditation might be a good combo, it’s just that I have to remember to do it when I have enough time to read, but not enough time to go for a walk at the same time. It's getting cold outside though, so I will not read outside too much anymore.
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Gratitude:L: I managed to sneak it in into my journal a couple of times, so that's good. I'm grateful for all the new relationships and opportunities that flew into my life the last month. I'm going to make sure this continues.
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Additional thoughts:Find out in greater detail what it is that I am exactly aiming at - finish the Self-Authoring exercise.
The division of the day for me is usually this: uni work in the morning, self-care (walks, reading, writing etc.) in the afternoon and fun in the evening with English classes scattered throughout the day randomly.
I began experiencing the feeling of inadequacy whenever somebody brings up "responsibility" or "discipline" as one of my virtues and I think that's good, because it means I have room for progress in the area (mainly in the area of masturbation). I don't think I am a complete hypocrite - I think I am reasonably responsible in my life and I'm not dependent on anyone else. I'm placing extreme attention to this area and I'm extremely supportive when people decide to make the "responsible" decisions, act nobly despite tragedy and so on.
Related to that, I think both my "fun" time went up, as well as the the "responsibility" time. I sense I do both of these things better than ever before. I seem to be happy with the balance of my life at the moment.
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Additional projects/misc/cool stuff finished last month:
Additional projects/misc/cool stuff upcoming this month:
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Thoughts, ideas and additional comments/gratitude:
SpoilerI think I have done a good job at incorporating psychology lectures I’ve seen/learnt into my life. I don’t want to re-live the experience I’ve had last March/April, because it could be deadly.
I gained the ability to plan after I quit games.
Regained/new daily habits: I clean my teeth daily, Duolingo, journaling, working out.
Life’s more colorful and more difficult to deal with, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror now and see myself less skewed than before.
I think I give meaning to things that deserve it now.
I am not horrified of free time anymore. This is a BIG one.
I am using my sociability more sensibly. No more trolling in Twitch chat and streaming.
Coming to think of it, I’ve never been overly anxious to begin with, just the normal amount. I asked girls out on dates on high school. I was just totally oblivious to the signals I sent/received.
I’m more conscious of both what I do and how I do it in relation with other people. I still get anxiety, but I act despite it. I stand tall and have my say.
I'm very lucky to have a mentor in the field I am excited about.
I'm grateful for everyone who has entered my life.
I EMBRACE THE FACT THAT ANYTHING I START DOING, I WILL DO IT BADLY. I CAN ONLY BECOME BETTER INCREMENTALLY AND BY PRACTICE.
It's less of a question WHAT I do compared to HOW and WHY I do it.
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I recall having headaches during the first week after quitting games. Way back when, I also remember having headaches from being too much on the computer, but that was really a long time ago.
I think the post you made and the one I made yesterday have a common theme of escapism and how do we deal with it. I think there has to be some during the day, but that there's a large space and tolerance everybody has between "I am overworked and have no time to have fun." and "All I do is mess around and do nothing."
For example, I can go and be social every evening and I usually do that (and I like to do that), but I only really start missing it and start feeling lonely after if I do not do it for a week.
I think a part of this "tolerance" could be that I don't think I am very good at seeing the shades of different emotions I might experience. It might be the price for stability that I'm usually very happy to twin myself with and to radiate to others.
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Day 657:
I handed in the the needed documents for VIA Exchange, went to the groceries on the way, walked a lot, worked on my Breaking Free Exercises from NMNNG, researched potential study options for my masters, had an info meeting with new Erasmus students where we told them basic information about their stay here and I spent the evening with the Spanish girl.
Day 658:
I went by train for a hike into the mountains together with other people from the dormitory.
Day 659:
I worked on my bachelor thesis, visited my parents and then visited my grandma. I played desktops in the evening.
Day 660:
I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes, worked on my monthly report, had an online philosophy seminar, got a haircut and played cards in the evening.
Day 661:
I worked on my bachelor thesis, had English classes and did a few minor chores. I'm writing this now.
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The NMMNG exercises make me think about the way I think about myself in relationship to others and myself. I know it's a broad description, but I need to do more of them.
The hike was exhausting, but I had good fun talking to people and I was happy to be a bit in the nature again.
My monthly report is delayed, as only a few days ago I realized I should be writing one. I'm usually not thrilled to write again after working on my bachelor thesis for two or three hours in the morning. Writing (and thinking) is exhausting, especially elaborate writing.
I noticed that my escapes and entertainment nowadays are chess puzzles, news and checking my phone.
I usually don't do well in chess puzzles if I know I'm trying to escape something or if I should be working though, so that keeps me away from trying to do them for more than 30 minutes a day.
The news have become something I do in the mornings. It usually doesn't take longer than 30 minutes either to update on government measures regarding CV and read an interesting article or two. It's just that if combined with other small time suckers they delay my start of the day.
I'm checking my phone quite often nowadays, usually just to see if I got a ping on Messenger or WhatsApp. I already got rid of all the flashes/vibrations/sounds these apps make a long time. The only time my phone lights up on its own is when someone calls, when I get the odd text (these two combined maybe once a day?) or when my alarm goes off, all that while being in silent mode all the time.
I got used to having social evenings, either playing desktops/cards or with the Spanish girl. I'm happy to have some chat and banter after a day that drains me intellectually. I could have these two three hours "back" for other purposes, likely something along the lines of exercising or reading, though I think I can afford it, I just need to prioritize better. Move the "time suckers" to the evening and make something productive and useful in the morning/afternoon.
My "pure" "time suckers" are reading the forums (on NMMNG, but I quit doing that a few weeks ago - maybe that's why I picked up the news instead?) and watching series.
If there's a series I am watching, I usually "make time" to watch at least two or three episodes a day. Sure, it can be during breakfast/lunch/dinner, but the only time I was able to afford this was when I was ill and had literally nothing else to do than to sit. I'm just going to take the easy way out - just like I do whenever I buy ramen.
To end on a good note, I have to state that I've been getting up before 0700 these days.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for the snow. Finally there's a proper winter, even if driving a car in this weather is oddly exhilarating.
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Day 651:
I worked on my bachelor thesis, went for a walk, listened to a friend play the piano and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.
Day 652:
I worked on my bachelor thesis and visited my family.
Day 653:
I had English classes, researched things about VIA and played desktops in the evening.
Day 654:
I researched things about VIA, washed the dishes and cleaned my room, went to the groceries, had English classes and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.
Day 655:
I had English classes, researched things about VIA and met up with a friend from the military.
Day 656:
I had an English class, had meetings with new Erasmus students, did the laundry, wrote here and I'm gonna play desktops in the evening.
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I had quite big blocks of activities these days, so while it doesn't seem like I did much, most of the time I was productive.
I had a "checkpoint" to send my tutor the progress in my bachelor thesis. I wanted to start working on it last Monday, but I didn't really get to it until Friday evening, with the deadline being this Monday. I might have to add something more to it, but the work is submitted and if there are any shortcomings, I'll just work harder the next time.
My get up time has defaulted to 0800, though yesterday and today I've managed to get up earlier, mainly because my classes begin at 0730 on Wednesday and Thursday. I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow, as I have to hand in a few remaining documents for VIA.
VIA is a mobility program for countries outside of Europe and I want to go to the USA in summer 2022. We'll see how that goes.
A foreign girl I was interested in mainly during October/November told me she's interested in me and wants to be with me. My initiative to pursue this girl died down back then, because I didn't see enough affection reflected back to me. She said she felt a pang upon getting to know I'm spending time with the Spanish girl. I was fairly surprised by this, because we talked here and there even after I left the idea of dating her.
I'm not interested in having multiple women to spend a chunk of time with though. The idealist's response is that it's demeaning. The pragmatic's response is that there's no time for that.
The things with the Spanish girls are progressing well. We talk, play chess, watch films, go for a walk, have sex... not necessarily everything during the same day/evening. We do not spend every evening together, but we see each other almost daily while doing other things with other people. Thankfully, we're not cooped up and I believe we are not falling into the trap of forcing to see each other every day. We're not clingy and we have our lives besides seeing each other.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for the freedom of choice I have and that I exercise in my life.
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10 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Dude I've had the same feelings. I visit the websites sometimes maybe twice per week but lose interest fast. I've found that just being emotionally affectionate with this girl has helped me turn the tide. I think I just wanted love.
I hope it goes well with her! I think there is a point to seeing/talking to (not necessarily having sex) women who are you interested in though. It mitigates the emotional backlash that might make you want porn again.
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On 1/30/2021 at 6:29 PM, BooksandTrees said:
Have you noticed an impact on your porn and masturbation habits from this relationship?
"Pornographic imagery" and masturbation are getting phased out of my mind gradually. These days I am finding next to no desire to do either.
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Day 646:
I had English classes, cooked, washed the dishes, watched a philosophy seminar and played desktops in the evening.
Day 647:
I sorted out a few things regarding my bachelor thesis, read about finance and information about my investments, went to the grocery, had English classes and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.
Day 648:
I had English classes, went to the orthopedist, visited my grandma, did a few smaller things and spent the evening with the Spanish girl.
Day 649:
I chatted with a friend, went for a longer walk, overslept the nap-alarm, started reading "Swann in Love" by Proust, read an article about the philosophy and value of money and played desktops in the evening.
Day 650:
I worked on my bachelor thesis, cooked, went for a walk, had a workshop on activities in online English teaching. Evening will be social.
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I've been feeling better again, so I've been seeking out the company of others in the evening. I love the fact I am back in the game and that I can work on all the things that are important to me.
I'm finished with substituting the morning online classes, meaning I have the opportunity to use my mornings to work on my bachelor thesis. I finally got that right this morning. I plan to continue that during the weekend, as I have to hand in a report of my advance on Monday.
The relationship I have with the Spanish girl is likely best described as friends with benefits. We brushed the topic a few times indirectly and maybe we shall again, but I do get the vibe from both her and me that this is how things are. My reasons to keep the relationship as it is as it leaves my hands free to pursue other girls, if there are any worth pursuing. I like sex, but I do not think I have the urge to do it more than twice a week, while I have other things on my schedule. She also leaves back to Spain in June and trying to run a relationship like that is not practical.
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Day 643:
I had English classes, went for a walk, played chess and spent the evening together with the Spanish girl.
Day 644:
I went to the ambulance, slept during the day and had dinner together with the Spanish girl.
Day 645:
I got up extremely late, read a few interesting articles about real estate, had a nap and talked with the Spanish girl in the evening.
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I likely caught tonsillitis at the beginning of the last week. I wanted to power through the sore throat for the first two three days, but eventually the headache, extremely painful swallowing and drowsiness eventually got the best of me. The doc prescribed me painkillers and pastilles to anesthetize and neutralize the throat, as well as to spend time in bed and to take it slow and easy.
These few days have been grueling, but I believe I'm through the worst of it. My sleep is a bit shot, but I feel that my mind is sharp and that I can start doing stuff again. The closest thing I need to get done is a list of literature that I'm planning to use for my bachelor thesis.
Gratitude: I'm grateful for being healthy. Illnesses are no joke.
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Day 638:
I studied, visited my family and then my grandma and played desktops in the evening.
Day 639:
I had English classes, washed the dishes, had the uni exam and spent the evening together with the Spanish girl.
Day 640:
I had English classes, I relaxed, did some minor things around, talked to a friend and played desktops, but went to bed very early.
Day 641:
I had English classes (8 hours) and played desktops in the evening.
Day 642:
I had English classes, wrote this and went shopping, walk with a friend.
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I'm starting to have more free time, as I successfully got through all my uni exams and my substitution teaching is ending on Monday.
I'm going to put some time towards the bachelor thesis now.
I've noticed I started going to bed a bit earlier the past week.
I practice chess puzzles for 30 minutes or an hour daily often.
I had a crazy good evening with the Spanish girl on Monday. I'm putting some effort into knowing her better intellectually - we often play chess or talk about various topics. I'm finding that I just would not have the time to do all this with multiple women. While I will miss the time I spend with her, I will not die or anything similar.
I also noticed that my headache after masturbation/ejaculation comes from poor hydration and/or lack of food after. I'm going to keep that in mind.
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@Amphibian220brings up some good points and questions. Your partner might be aware that there are some things that are "not going great", but that alone is apparently not enough incentive for him to change much. I also agree with the fact that this is a matter for couple's counseling and that all the people here can provide only layman's observations/suggestions about what worked for us in our specific situations. As his partner, and one who's been with him for 11 years, you should be a big part of his life and you likely know the most about him, besides himself.
When/why did he start gaming excessively?
What were the things you could've done differently so that he didn't fall down this rabbit hole this deep?
How did you/do you enable his addictive behavior?
How do you plan improve the relationship and yourself?
If things do not improve, hen are you going to give him the "real" last chance?
Addiction isn't a lighting out of clear sky. It's a defense mechanism against the unbearable "real" environment. You are a part of his "real" environment and you play your role (be it positive or negative). Give him all the love and support that you can.
There's a point however where the loving thing is to let the other person go. My father's friend kicked his son out of the flat, because he did nothing else than game all day - he eventually got his thinking together, found a job and started doing other useful things in life. My X left me, because I gamed all day without realizing there was ever a problem. It was extremely painful and confusing, because I wasn't even aware there was a problem to begin with. I didn't want to part with her. It seems that your partner is aware that you are parting ways (regarding the mortgage) and he seems to be okay with it though.
Again, I am not a professional, but this is how the things seem to me.
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I did a recount of the days and I must have missed some in my calculations.
Day 636:
I had English classes, washed the dishes, read a bit on the NMMNG forum, went for a walk with the Spanish girl, played chess and spent the evening together and I went to bed early.
Day 637:
I studied, did the groceries, watched an interview with Peterson and McConaughey, did the laundry and got through some messages.
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I have an exam Monday, but I haven't seriously started studying for it yet. I today I got a day-long headache from ejaculating "too often" (I didn't ejaculate for 3 weeks up until Wednesday and then Saturday). Things with the girl are interesting, though I have to put my duties first and that's not done easily after feeling satisfied after ejaculating. I have to strike the balance.
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Day 627:
I studied in the morning, visited my brother and my grandma, went for a jog with friends, prepared for my English classes and watched "City of God" by Meirelles.
Day 628:
I had English classes, studied, cleaned my room, washed the dishes and played desktops in the evening.
Day 629:
I had English classes, had an interview, studied and played desktops in the evening.
Day 630:
I had English classes, studied and spent the night together with the Spanish girl.
Day 631:
I had English classes, wrote and exam and now I'm writing this.
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These days have been going by in a blur. I regularly have days where I teach at least five hours, while at the same time I have university exams to deal with, so there's not much time left to be doing even relatively undemanding hobbies/habits, such as going for a walk or a bit of writing like this one.
I experienced a few thrusts of uncertainty regarding the Spanish girl prior to her coming here. I didn't really ruminate over it though. I accepted it as it was and carried on teaching/studying as usual. I have no time to be worrying about things outside of my control.
The uni exams have been going well so far and I have only one remaining now.
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The answer to your question is to take action.
Are you done with your assignments for the day too early? Think of the other stuff you can do and do it. Watch a film, play chess, do archery... whatever! Sometimes it's not a bad idea to just lounge about for half a day and do nothing in particular, as long as you don't do it every day.
Friends are not organizing anything? Organize something yourself and invite them! It can be a BBQ, playing golf, going for a run... again, it's up to you.
Want to have more relationship experience? Go somewhere, have fun, be yourself and talk to women who you'd like to date with in a way to let them know that you are interested them. Is that too daunting? Are you afraid of rejection? No problem; just walk around the city, make eye contact with strangers and smile. Some will reciprocate, some won't. You can work yourself up from there.
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Day 626:
I had an exam in the morning, had English classes, had an interview, went for a walk, made a few calls and played cards in the evening.
Day 627:
I got up late, studied for another upcoming exam, got through some newsletters in my mail, watched a Peterson lecture, checked out a few things that came into my mind during it, went for a run with a guy from the dorm and now I am writing this.
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I finished the first week out of three as a daily substitute teacher. I noticed I like to encourage and motivate the students and that I like to put some thought into the classes to make them coherent. As it's three hours every day, I take some time to go through and revise some of the articles/videos I found interesting in the past with them and adding something new to the mix here and there.
A lot of the times I realize I fall short of the ideas and ideals depicted, so I naturally started asking myself whether am I a fake for bringing these ideas forth.
I think the answer to that is no. While a lot of the things I do/started doing are still in the embryo or nascent, they are there. I'm much more better off now compared to when I was gaming. I was also much better off being in the military compared to when I was in high school. Whatever I am doing in life in general seems to be working well for now and I want to stay on that path.
Today my body is overall quite sore, so I was not very active. Yesterday, I carried two 12-packs of milk for a few minutes and it feels as if I did 100 pull-ups. I think I am just out of shape a bit, because the gym is closed.
The Spanish girl also wrote that she's returning back on Tuesday and we already made plans to meet. It is good news after a busy week of teach/study/relax/sleep, even though I was left somewhat clueless about what to do today.
Tomorrow I'm getting up early, studying for the next test, cleaning the room, preparing for the English classes, visiting my brother and my grandma and then going for a run again, before I head into the challenges of the next week.
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54 minutes ago, Mohammad said:
Wow! it took 10 years for you to get here. That's right. I have been trying only for two years. I've got to try again.
I agree with @BooksandTrees. I don't have a record of how many times and when I tried to "curb" gaming by an hour or two to get some exercise or studying done, but it eventually came to the point where I had enough pain and quit cold turkey. I had to take responsibility for my life and I wanted to explore in more depth the things in life I got a glimpse of while still gaming.
The progress of quitting is more continual than most people think. Maybe you cut your gaming time in half the last year. That's fair progress! Compare yourself to who you were before, not someone else.
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Day 621:
I studied, visited my family, finished reading "Extreme Ownership", got through mails and spent the evening socially.
Day 622:
I had English classes, had the exam at the uni and spent the evening socially.
Day 623:
I studied, had English classes, did the groceries, worked out with a friend and spent the evening socially.
Day 624:
I had English classes, I studied, sang along with a few songs and spent the evening socially.
Day 625:
I had English classes, went for a walk, studied and now I am writing this.
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I think this week I'll amount around 25 hours spent working - either teaching or organizing stuff related to the classes. I got a last-minute offer from my boss to substitute about 15 hours worth of classes this week. The coming two weeks will be the same. It's a good opportunity to get a bit more money, experience with teaching daily and to build rapport with my boss.
The funny thing is, it's also my exam term at the university, so I have to spend few hours a day studying as well. So far, the exams have been going well and I'm trying to be done with them ASAP. If all goes well, I could be done with them in two weeks and start working on my bachelor thesis again.
My last exam was a grind and I took some flak from the prof that I focus on and talk about things that are not important. I agreed with his observation in the end. I take this as training for the graduation exams.
As a result of the above, I've been often feeling beat, exhausted and stressed these days. I escaped a bit. I had some degree of trouble sleeping, masturbating and napping. I'm confident I'll overcome all the challenges that are pitted against me regardless.
I'm over 2 weeks without ejaculation.
The last thing is that the Spanish girl I slept with might not return due to the situation around CV. This situation is beyond my control though. No matter how this situation unfolds, I'm going to be in a better position.
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3 hours ago, DaBest said:
The good news is that I'm actually using them, whereas in the past I'd brush them off a bunch. It's good practice for flirting and whatnot, but I've been getting a lot of responses that people are scared of getting Covid. On a side note, I really need to get some better photos. I'm honestly pretty average looking, but my photos do not do me any favors.
If they are scared, then to just chat they can use 4chan or Reddit. Dating apps were invented to set up dates. End of story. Go shoot some photos where you look unbeatable, so they subconsciously feel that you can beat CV! 😄
I had goosebumps a few times this year, but all of it was rather momentary. I don't think I gravitate towards people who are overly scared. I'd live back home with my parents if that was the case, but I'd rather some social life and other things that stem from the more attractive position in the city (although currently limited).
4 hours ago, DaBest said:Yesterday was interesting, well the whole weekend was I guess. One thing that was frustrating was that I had three separate social plans on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday fall through. Friday, the guy slept in, Saturday, another friend forgot he double booked a brunch with his mother (lame excuse, lol), and on Sunday, someone didn't like the weather and didn't want to go to the driving range after they said they were. I was a tinge disappointed, but compared to non-meditating me, I would've been writing about how dead inside I felt. I still did some meaningful stuff that I could be proud of.
If they turn out to be flakes in the long run, that's on them and you can go looking for more reliable people. All of this possibly added to the fact you had a strange Sunday afternoon. Be vigilant. I think the main thing is that you tried though.
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Good for you on hitting the gym! I wish they opened it here. I go for a walk frequently or do some exercise outside, but it's not the same.
Then again, I am grateful that the dorms are open and that I can meet people normally and do some stuff together, even if it's just a fraction of what I used to meet a year ago. How are the dating apps working out for you?
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4 hours ago, royal panda said:
I never personally masturbated myself but I'm glad you have been learning to accept it. I don't know much about this topic as i said before but i do know that it's important to accept some parts of ourselves that one we aren't fond of and two dont get in the way of our dreams or our hobbies. Not only does it make us more accepting to be in our own skin, but it's another thing we don't worry about anymore. So i am glad you were able to prove to yourself you can still masturbate and have sex.
Yup, there is a lot of things we have to keep in balance, so that we do not go overboard with them and then feel bad about it. I think the ideal (end?) state for me in this is to have sex at will while trusting myself with those decisions. I think I built a solid foundation for that by not having sex with obviously drunk or obviously desperate women in the past.
2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I hear you. I think there's a bit of shame that we inherit if we're not sexually active or successful in relationships. We beat ourselves up for masturbation and it's just because we're upset about our sexual confidence and lifestyle. At least that's what I think.
I think you are exactly right. My parents gave me just about no blueprints on how to run a relationship, let alone when/how to use the thing between my thighs and I had next to no friends on high school. No wonder my sex life was nonexistent for a long while. I had to figure a lot of this on my own and it's not easy to admit ignorance/insecurity in this topic.
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2 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:
Sounds like a good few days. I wouldn't worry about the masturbation thing. I've kind of gotten over the fact that I masturbate now. I don't know why. I just don't think it's killing me anymore.
I think my attitude changed towards being more accepting of masturbation since I had sex three weeks ago. I started feeling more united and peaceful in that regard. It took a bit of time to assure and trust myself that I am not going to have sex at all costs. I think needed to prove to myself that I can do sex in a way that I can look at myself in the mirror. I am happy that I was able to do that.
I also started noticing the abundance in this regard too. I think there are currently a few women that are showing me signs of attraction and that I could have sex with if I wanted to, but I think I am wise enough now to not let my sexual desire disrupt my schedule and ruin my life by trying to have sex with multiple women at once. I need to incorporate the desire smartly.
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Day 618:
I studied, read, helped my friends to get some supplies for the new year's party and we organized a table of food and drinks for everyone. I had some good conversations too.
Day 619:
I got up somewhat late, but I got it together. I studied, read, went for a run with a friend and spent the evening socially again.
Day 620:
I got up on time, studied, read, went for a walk and now I am writing this.
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I sort of slipped on masturbation the past two days, but I didn't ejaculate for the past 11 days.
Gratitude: I'm grateful for being proven time and again that I have more in common with other people. It keeps me from becoming arrogant.
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Day 614:
I studied, visited my family, went for a walk, read and installed the new headphones I got for Christmas from my brother.
Day 615:
I studied, went for a walk and watched "Black Hawk Down" in the evening.
Day 616:
I studied, went for a walk and shopping with a friend, had dinner with her and played desktops in the evening.
Day 617:
I studied, visited my grandma, read and now I am writing.
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These days have been tough. I consistently get up about an hour later than I'd like to. Once I get up I am fine, but December with it's bleak weather and no sunlight... I have another opportunity tomorrow.
This is my second day of no dry masturbation. I had a day here or there where I didn't do it, but I did it most days for several weeks or months. It is easier to resist when I wear underwear to bed, so I am doing that. I also didn't ejaculate for over a week.
I have been putting together study materials for the exam on Monday and it's a slog. What I am doing is skimming through 6-7 A4s of text, searching for relevant information about a region and copying a few paragraphs from the text. I think it usually takes several minutes and there's around 150-200 regions. I'm probably around halfway through the job, but I still need to actually start studying. At least I might utilize these materials for the final degree examinations. Sometimes it's more about "how" to do the exam rather than "what" is the exam about. Writing this, I realized I might get some assistance from/ask a friend regarding the exam. Hooray for journaling!
I guess a part of the equation is also that I didn't have an English class for almost two weeks and that there weren't any social events at the dormitory for about a week.
There's also going to be a small party tomorrow at the dormitory for the new year. It's definitely going to be smaller than the last year, but it is happening. Tomorrow I'm also writing the Spanish girl to know when/if she's coming back to the dorm. We can talk about the rest once we see each other.
Hope you have a good 2021 everyone!
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8 hours ago, Mohammad said:
I was wondering how long have you been in contact with her? I think you should have met each other earlier. What's your opinion on this? I know that you have Covid-19 concerns, but isn't that too long of a wait?
8 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:I asked her to meet and she was hesitant because of the virus so I don't see any issue there. Gotta respect health first.
5 hours ago, BooksandTrees said:She unmatched with me on the site about 1 hour ago and said nothing. See, I'm glad I didn't keep trying. I didn't message her for 3 days after I initiated contact for a week straight.
7 hours ago, Bugg said:Hi, I’ve been dating a girl throughout covid too, we met up once just after the first UK lockdown and grabbed a few drinks and some food, but then decided it felt safer to meet virtually, so we have been having skype dates since then and it’s been cool. I think I am glad we met at least once, because often our perceptions of people are different in person, and now we know there is definitely a connection there and the continued dating virtually isn’t going to (hopefully) be a waste of time. But I totally get your girls hesitation too, it’s a scary time right now.
@BooksandTrees I guess that's the pitfall of online dating, a lot of the people are there primarily for the attention. I call bullshit. I do not think she wanted to meet and just used CV as an excuse. I think it was even a bad excuse in your case, since you are so hardcore on isolation. My point is that online dating is meant to lead to sexual situations and if she isn't onboard with all the "current" risks (CV's been around for 9 months?), then she had plenty of time to get off of dating apps if she doesn't think it's safe. Good for you that you got rid of her.
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Ikar's Diary
in Daily Journals
Posted
Day 662:
I had English classes, finished my monthly report, worked out in my room and played desktops in the evening.
Day 663:
I had an English class, worked on my bachelor thesis, had language testing for VIA, read on the NMMNG forum and had a social evening.
Day 664:
I visited my doctor, donated blood, visited my grandma and talked with the Spanish girl in the evening.
Day 665:
I visited my family and worked on my taxes.
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Gratitude: I'm grateful for my mom's improving health and her effort to become a better mom.