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Ashley K.

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Everything posted by Ashley K.

  1. Today was supposed to be my second day of detoxing. I had urges when I woke up this morning and recognized why I had them. But in the end I ended up relapsing and playing LoL. It didn't really feel great. It felt like a relief but only temporary. Yesterday I had stronger urges to play because I was getting frustrated about where my life was right now. So I told myself that I needed to change a lot of things if I wanted my life to be better. But I seem to fall right back into the same rut, the comfort zone. Scared of going outside of it because I don't want to judge myself so harshly to the point where I call it quits. Another reason is that my husband plays as most of you already know, so watching him play doesn't help. Almost day in and day out it's LoL videos, streams, listening to streams while he plays. Some of you may say to go to another part of the house. I live with my mother and her house isn't what you call "clean". It's just really...I wouldn't say dirty, but with 4 cats and a dog. It gets that way. I've tried cleaning over and over and it just gets dirty after a day. So that's another reason why I stay in my room. I'm in this situation that I put myself in that I need to fight to get out of.
  2. I figured since I'm constantly coming back and leaving. I might as well introduce myself...again. Hey everyone, I'm Ashley. I'm a gaming addict, mother of two boys, and a stay at home mom. I've been a gamer since I was 5 and I'm now 28 years old. My husband is also a gamer but has no intention of quitting since he plays in moderation. I'm scared of not playing because I get bored easily. So finding something that's just as stimulating is hard. I'll try and post as much as possible. I have a really bad habit of just quitting things before finishing.
  3. Day 7: Today isn't so good. I felt great yesterday, but today I just feel defeated. I had an idea to create a brand. The only problem is that, I can't draw anything. This is what happens when you waste years of you life to video games instead of actually honing a skill. I always envied artists who are able to create beautiful works of art, even graphic designers. My husband and I were going over ideas for my brand and he said "This is where art and graphic design come in, if you knew how to do these things, you'd be making bank". It didn't really hit me until I attempted to make my logo today. I know I can't create it because I don't have enough skill to do so. Nor do I have th money to hire someone to create it for me. At a time like this with how I feel, I would be on the xbox or the computer already. Just playing a game and forgetting about what I'm not skilled at and just being completely negative. Thinking about things like "Whats the point of learning? They're are already people out there who are very good at what they do" "I don't see the point. It's not going to change the fact that there are others who are way better than me that have great ideas" "No one is going to want to see my work" or my absolute favorite "Im going to die very soon, so why bother?". It's really not a good headspace to be in and feeling this way while gaming is horrible.
  4. Day 6: Been a little busy. Yesterday I had to take my 7 month old to the doctor for vaccines (3 needles and an oral). I never like seeing my kids get stuck with needles . But before I had to do that, I ended up going to 3 banks looking for a notary that was available. At the first bank, they weren't in until 1PM (it was 11AM). At the second bank, they suggested to go to TD Bank because that's where they were sending most of their clients. SO FINALLY! I had the affidavit notarized for my son' school. Then I had to go to the school and drop off the affidavit and a letter for my son to be evaluated academically. This was my choice because I wanted to know where he stood when it comes to academics. So now, I decided to make a blog on Wordpress. At first I was hesitant to make one because I didn't know what to post. But who does? Obviously, I didn't. But I got into it and started getting ideas. I'm still getting some ideas. Lots to post over the summer. I'll make sure to keep up with it. Maybe later on I'll start posting videos. Who knows? But I will say this. It does take me outside of my comfort zone. It makes me nervous and excited. I'm getting hyped up at the amount of content I would like to show to everyone. If no one likes it, it's okay. If you do, thats great! It just feels good to know that I'm doing something that can build into something worthwhile
  5. Day 2: So I quit the other day. Just packed up my xbox and some more games that I played once or twice and then never play it again. Went onto league of legends and sent in a ticket to delete my account. Now all I have to do is wait. This is torture. I just started and I already want to play. My husband didn't help any last night by telling me that there were games on sale on Steam. Once game in particular called Dead By Daylight. I kept telling him no I stopped playing and he said "You can still play, you just need to moderate". Doesn't he think that I have already tried to moderate. More than once. It doesn't work for me. When I play, I play for hours and then my whole day is wasted. Its always the same shit, different day. This is what I would do if I was still playing video games. Wake Up at 8 or 9AMWash my faceGet a a cup of coffeeFeed my 7 month old son and rock him to sleepTurn on my xbox or computerPlay until 12PMTake an hour breakGo back on until its almost 10 or 11 (while feeding and putting my son to sleep in between)Keep playing until I get tired which is around 1 or 2AMGet off the xbox or computerFeel like shit later onRepeatSo yeah, as a lay here typing this Im really fighting the urge to just go and buy the game. It feel really uncomfortable and I know its supposed to. But being a stay at home mom of two kids and never going out anywhere when you don't have a car or a license or money to do anything, or even friends. It becomes harder. Some nights I cry because of this. Because playing video games wasn't doing anything for my kids or myself. But sitting here doing nothing isn't doing anything either. I just don't know where to start.
  6. Day 15: I really don't know what to say here other than I've been working on drawing. Figuring out if I should go to college for an Art degree or stay at home. But I feel like I should really go so that I can learn a lot more. I had urges to play earlier this morning but I fought them off. Last night I kept trying to rationalize whether or not I should play because I figured maybe I could moderate. But then if I was to play I wouldn't be able to moderate and then I wouldn't have the drive to draw. All the focus would be on video games only and nothing else. I don't want to lose that drive to learn everything about Art and what it has to offer.
  7. Day 13: I've been on Skillshare, learning more about Art. I never really thought that I had it in me to actually do it. I guess I do. Last night I dreamt that I relapsed and didn't care about anything anymore. Everything seemed like it didn't exist. I was tunnel visioning video games while everyone else around me faded away. I got scared when I woke up because I actually thought that I had relapsed. I was going to regret ever playing but I know that I don't want to live in regret or get to that point where I'm not capable of doing anything and regretting everything on my deathbed. I'm not going to let that happen.
  8. Day 11: Im sorry for posting every 2 days or every other day. But today I woke up at 9:30 and my kids dressed so that we can register my 5 year old son in school. I'll admit that for the past couple of days I've been getting headaches. I honestly thought it was because I was sick with something. But my family kept telling me it was stress from being nervous when I didn't have anything to be nervous about since it was just registration. I'm even more nervous about him going in September. I don't know how he'll be. Im scared that he won't get on the right bus. Im just nervous about everything. While I was there registering, I knew that my ID was expired. It made me feel like a irresponsible adult who doesn't have her priorities in order (Im working on it). My life is all jumbled up instead of it being in order where I can just check things off my list. Its not a great feeling. But I'll figure it out along the way.
  9. Day 9: I apologize for not post for a couple of days. Not much has happened. But I noticed for those couple of days that I was practicing graphic design, I would fall asleep watching the tutorials on YouTube. I didn't really understand why. Then I started watching a digital art video and I was wide awake. I started to think that maybe Im finding graphic design to be boring while digital art, hell even painting is more intriguing. I don't like flip flopping from one thing to the other because it makes me look indecisive. But it's how I feel and I can't help how I feel. I just go with it. All I know is that in the end I want to do what I love and make a living from it.
  10. Day 6: Woke up at 9 and fed my kids. Then I started listening to music on Spotify for a bit and building up a new playlist. I was trying to work on a watermark to put on my work for later, but I couldn't download the trial version of photoshop since it kept saying that I needed to find a different installation volume location or something like that (Mac user). Im still trying to figure out what to do. I also tried using design apps that were offered by apple but they just freeze. I think I broke my laptop, lol. No idea what to do but other than that, my day was okay. I had a few urges to play but I kept fighting it off because I knew what would happen if I started up again.
  11. Day 5: Today wasn't productive at all. But I didn't get any urges. But tomorrow will definitely be more productive. My problem at the moment is actually finding a good method or app to use for time management
  12. Day 4: Woke up at 9:30Watched Pasta on DramaFever.comTook a shower at 12:30Got my things readyWent to my mother in law's houseAte good food NappedPlayed with my kidsCame home at 9Typed up what I did today on here, lolAbout to paint my nails & finish watching my show
  13. This makes total sense. I'm always thinking about what I need/want to do but then I end up thinking about it waaaay too much to the point where Im like, "I don't feel like doing it anymore". This opens up a new perspective for me. Thanks for this!
  14. Thinking about goals

  15. Day 3: I had a few things to do today, but I decided to ignore them and take my kids outside. It was great, a bit hot but that was okay. I ended up tossing water onto my 5 year old son while we walked, lol. My 5 month old just passed out during the walk. I've been wanting to work on graphic design, photography and drawing. But I know sitting around and just thinking about it won't do anything. Like Gary Vee says "I don't think my ideas are worth shit, Until they're executed"
  16. Day 2: What time I woke up: 7:50AM What time I went to sleep: 3:00AM, Then 5:00AM (My 5 month old son kept crying, poor thing) Its only been two days since I quit. As you all know I'm constantly relapsing and quitting. But I know that as long as I consistently keep coming back. I know what to expect when I feel certain urges coming on. The reason why I went to sleep at 3:00 AM was because I went crazy planning out the next 2 days of what I wanted to do. I'll admit I was excited while I was doing it but I was also scared of not following through. That has always been my problem, is following through on things until the end. My husband knows that I quit because I ended up taking my xbox and putting it into storage and taking my gaming headphones, cutting the wire and tossing them into the garbage. I'll admit, doing that was a bit spontaneous but it felt good. I'm glad I'm not giving up.
  17. You got this! Welcome aboard!
  18. Day 2: Didn't know what to do since I didn't plan out my day until I started thinking about ways I can start making money from home. While I watched my husband play video games, I was listening to him talk to his friend on xbox live about a new update with the game and what he wanted to do and whatnot. I kept thinking back to when I wasted so much money on buying things that I could never touch since it was just pixels. Then I realized how silly I was to do that and then thought about if I played right now, what would I gain? What would I be learning? Absolutely nothing. As always, I would go on, play for a few hours, feel guilty for doing so and then think about how I haven't learned anything beneficial or interesting. I know that I can't get my husband to stop so I just have to worry about myself and my children when it comes down to it.
  19. Day 1: This is hell. It should come easier since I've relapsed, but it hasn't. It feels just as hard as it did numerous times I've tried to stop. I've become sleep deprived because of it. Along with that came forgetfulness and I know that I have really good memory but I can't remember a simple password. It scares me. I keep trying to rationalize and rationalize playing, but there is no getting around it. This is where I must begin.
  20. My last post I saw was back in December. Relapsing is sneaky. It hits you when you least expect it and when it does you either fight it or give in. I gave in. Bought games since then up until today. Had a discussion with my mother a couple of days ago during my gaming binge and told her that my addiction came back. She told me I need to quit because one day Ill wake up and realize my life has completely passed me by and I'll end up neglecting my children completely. So here I am, typing while my new baby boy stares at me cooing and smiling at me. This is going to be tough even though I've gone through this before many times. It just feels like each time I quit it gets harder, not easier.
  21. 2016 hasn’t really been great except for when I had my son back in November, I was ecstatic. But ever since I relapsed, night after night since then I tried playing. I kept trying even when have been sleep deprived for awhile now. Whenever he sleeps, I play when I should be getting my rest. I kept saying to myself that I can limit the amount of time I can play but I know I can’t. A week ago when it was around 3 AM, my son started to cry because he needed a diaper change. Of course, I got frustrated because I was being interrupted. At first I was pissed off and then realized it was idiotic of me to get mad at a baby for doing something natural to let me know something is wrong. I felt so guilty and stupid for feeling the way I did. I let it go and just continued to play later on. Now on Christmas Eve, I feel like it was the last straw. I played some more while my mother has my son while I was supposed to rest up. I ended up taking the Xbox and moving it into storage because I knew I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing or else I’ll end up making myself sick from sleep deprivation or god knows what else. I don’t want to say that my New Years’ Resolution is to quit gaming for a whole year, amongst other things even though it sounds good. It just seems cliche. But Im not knocking the idea away just yet. A lot of things have to change or else its going to get worse.
  22. Ashley K.

    Hmm...

    Should I make a new post here just to mention that I relapsed? I did relapse, though lol. I had my son on November 10th and I came back home from the hospital on November 13th and I've tried to play while I've been back. It's tough. With the around the clock breastfeeding, lack of sleep and then trying to play when he's asleep it just catches up with me every single time. There are times I have played for a full 2 hours until I start getting sleepy, then I look at my newborn son and start feeling guilty about playing then I just get off and hold him until I fall asleep. A really good friend of mine stopped playing video games. He said he only plays when his girlfriend wants to play, other than that he doesn't play at all. He said they don't feel the same like they used to anymore. So now he goes to the gym, works, goes to class, rides his bike everywhere, reads, basically enjoying life. I told him about my struggles with video game addiction and he said that I should quit also because it's worth it. That life brings more to the table than video games. I told him that I felt like this was a losing battle for me and Im just going to end up playing like I always do, but he believes in me enough that I have the willpower to stop playing. It's nice knowing I have a friend who believes in me also. Besides having the support of everyone here and my husband supporting me also. Right now I'm just trying to take it easy and enjoy one day at a time. We will see what happens in the future. My 5 year old and my newborn son
  23. Ashley K.

    Yeah...

    I think it's funny how quickly I relapsed after coming on here almost a week ago to say that Im back after my relapse and yet I relapsed AGAIN for a week. I honestly believe at this point that I don't have the willpower to quit playing. I've played for so long that it feels like its engrained. I still play for long periods of time, but then when I get upset with whatever game I'm playing, I get off and I don't go back on until a couple of hours later or when my husband gets off the computer. It's literally 3 days before my C-Section and my son has a cold and I still play. This must be the most shittiest thing I can do. Continuing to play while my son has a high fever of 102 and my second son coming soon. If that's not shitty, I don't know what is.