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Timegainer

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  1. Day 2 I've always seen myself as a person lacking self-control and discipline. I've always been extremely good at postponing my chores, homework or workouts until the point where I didn't have enough time to do them, because I wanted to keep playing games or watching Netflix. Despite this, it is now more than 48 hours since I played a video game, watched porn or watched Netflix. My laptop is still logged into my girlfriends Netflix, simply typing a 'n' in my browser will lead me there. I haven't uninstalled Steam or any of my games, and simply pressing Windows+s , s , ENTER will open the search bar, highligt and then open steam. Likewise I can open the browser I used to use for porn with 4 key presses. Somehow I still managed to go through the entire day yesterday without even being close to crossing any of the boundaries I've set for my self. I don't really understand how, but so far i've been able to shoot down any unwanted thought quite easily. As soon as I think about gaming, masturbating or watching videos, another thought automatically pops up in my mind: "Yes, this thought was born in my mind, but I do not have to identify with it." I don't have to take ownership of all the thoughts constantly popping up. As soon as I'm not distracting myself (with games, work, excersize, whatever) multiple thoughts constantly comes forward in my mind. It's not me summoning them, it just happens automatically. Since I'm not the creator of these thoughts I should be able to simply disown them. If they don't 'work' in my favour, I want nothing to do with them. I recognize they are there, but I refuse to recognize them as my own. A theory found in several fields such as positive psychologi, self help books, buddhism and so on is, that the thoughts in your head will move in the direction you take them. If you actively try to make positive observations, filling you head with positivity, eventually your "background thoughts" will shift their foundation becoming increasingly positive as well. Everytime my "background thoughts" shoots out a craving towards gaming and such, I am able to distance myself from the craving and immediately actively conjure up new thoughts like "Yes, I could open steam, but to what end? What good would it do? I could just as well [insert useful activity]. Though it might feel good to game right now, the accumulated happiness when I haven't played for a year will be worth so much more." Eventually this will hopefully more or less permanently shift away my thought-foundation from sending these cravings. I am not my thoughts. I can however influence my thoughts while trying to limit their influence on me. All this thinking reminded me of a bible qoute, Mat 5.27 - 5.28: "Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." I interpret it in this way; Our actions are born from our thoughts. If we do not do our best to rid ourselves of harmful cravings, they will eventually win. If we fantasize about having sex with another woman, we might not do it today or tomorrow. But if we keep feeding these fantasies, they will multiply and one day, when an opportunity arises they might just overpower us. Even if they never get the best of us, and we only keep fantasizing without performing any real actions, it will still only leave us with lust and even more cravings. We are better off choking these thoughts in the craddle, accepting that they will pop up from time to time, but firmly remembering that they are not a part of us. Actively disowning them instead of simply ignoring them takes away their power over us. I could delete Steam, my games, block Netflix in my browser and delete the extra browser i used to use for porn, but as long as I repudiate the authority of my cravings, I shouldn't have to. If I one day give into my cravings it wont matter anyway, since games are easily reinstalled and any browser can open pornhub. I think I feel more in power, if I just passively leave these programs on my computer, since as long as I can keep up diminishing the influence of my cravings, there is no rush to delete them. I probably will delete them. I'll just wait doing it until the next time I clean up on my computer anyways. Which might just be next week, since I have quite a lot of spare time now. To end this entry, i can say this: I'm definately not going to game this weekend. I'm going on vacation with my girlfriend to a lodge without internet (or running water for that matter). I'll probably be back tuesday, wednesday or thursday depending on how much fun we're having. I wont bring my laptop, since there's no reason to. Instead I'll be hiking, cooking delicious food, playing card games and build fires.
  2. Having read only some of the first and last entries in this diary I might not see the whole picture. But I do want to say that I am genuinely impressed with your efforts. You might not be doing as well as you had hoped when you set out, but you are definately making progress. Though you fall through and disappoint yourself through a fraction of your actions you can keep in mind that you are facing hardships much harder than the average gaming or porn addict. Breaking up with someone who has become part of you and your daily life is not easily done. It cant be done through a single action, but through continouos actions over an extended period of time. It goes against so many defence mechanisms in our body. Even though we try to convince ourselves of the opposite, we are NOT logical creatures. Our feelings and subconscious is constantly fighting with everything they got, trying to make us betray our better jugdement and instead go for the easy way out. We are bound to fail from time to time, but your persistance and refusal to give up is truly an inspiration. I will definately be following this diary, since reading about your great efforts without a doubt will help me in my own development.
  3. Day 1 Today it is more than 24 hours since I last played a video game. For a long time I've spent at least 2-3 hours a day playing video games. At least. The last 2 months its been closer to 5-10 hours a day on average. I study at the university, and my summer holidays startet in the middle of June. This has left me with a lot of spare time, which I have automatically funneled into gaming without really thinking about it. I'm going back to the university the 27th of August, and then I don't want to play games anymore. This journal will not only be focused on quitting gaming. I am trying to change the direction of my life in several other ways. Also most of the posts are going to be very long, and I don't really expect anyone to read them. I'm mostly writing this for my own sake, since these journals forces me to be brutally honest with myself. I made two lists today. I called them "*my name* version 1" and "*my name* version 2". These two lists are supposed to represent what I might be doing in a year. They look something like this: TimeGainer v1: Is capable of enjoying mildly rewarding activities, like playing card/board games with his friends and his girlfriend. He has time to do his homework and to hone his skills (playing the guitar and piano, speaking german, knitting, ....). He has the patience to grind through hardships and obstacles without giving up, understanding that in real life you don't always get constant rewards. In learing something new, you don't constantly get new levels or something like that, you have to make you own goals inspiring your growth. In other words: TimeGainer v1 doesn't play video games. In fact, he hasn't played for a year. TimeGainer v1 is also more grateful for his amazing girlfriend. He is more aware of the both physical and mental sensations and feelings she wakes in him. When they aren't together he misses her, when they are together he longs for her touch, when they are touching the sensation of her skin lights an inferno of feelings shooting out in his entire body. When they have sex he doesn't think about the more extreme porn he watched earlier, being unconsciously annoyed that she wont/cant do what profesional pornstars do. He doesn't even watch porn, and hasn't for a year. He simply enjoys her and her company. TimeGainer v1 is flexible enough to touch the ground with his fingertips while bending over keeping his legs straight. He performs yoga daily and don't feel his back aching, because he is sitting down all his waking hours. He actually excercises through his yoga sessions and his jogs in the forrest. He is 23-years-old and actually feels like it. Instead of feeling like a 40-year-old like he did a year ago. TimeGainer v1 is a nicer person, who doesn't constantly speak ill of and to other people. Through being aware of his swearing and his speaking behind peoples backs, he has been able to change. Even though he still sometime thinks bad things of others, he refuses to identify with his thougths and simply let them go, without justifying them by speaking out loud. Instead he focuses on the positive thoughts and feelings, and is hereby constantly changing his outlook on the world and other people in a positive direction. TimeGainer v2: Is still playing video games. The constant gratification dulls his mind, making him unreceptive to the small joys in everyday life. He gets annoyed when he has visitors, since it would be rude to ignore them and just play his games instead. He doesn't get much done, since the games take all his time. "I don't have to clean up right now and that assignment isn't due until two days from now. I can easily play some games now, and then do the other things later." He still wastes most his spare time, sinking it into games which despite of their constant virtual rewards never will allow him to harvest any REAL rewards. He also still watches porn warping his mental images of what sex is. Not just any type of porn but some hardcore shit with women being tied up and gangbanged in all holes. Even though he has noticed that since he started watching porn ~10 years ago, he has had to find exceedingly extreme videos to get turned on, he just keeps on going. He is well aware that some of the videos he watches must have been extremely uncomfortable and maybe even hurtful to the porn actresses, but he apparently weighs his own tempoary satisfaction higher than their worth as sentient human beings. He still masturbates 2-3 times a day resulting in him barely enjoying sex with his girlfriend. During sex he is sometime thinking about the videos he's been watching, thinking of ways the sex could be more physically enjoyable for him. He is well aware that the porn wretches his view on women, making him more chauvanistic and making him more and more prone to objectifying women. His body is in even worse condition due to lack of excercise. If he tries bending over reaching for the ground he still lacks 25cm. He cant even walk fast without becoming exhausted. Even though his diet is varied, healthy and vegetarian he is surely headed for even more back pains and will probably get multiple life-style deceases in the next 50 years. He is still a quite bitter person. Though he isn't directly evil or spiteful, he often says things he regrets. Because of his lack of awareness he doesn't really control his thoughts. He doesn't control which words he utters. Sentences just spill out, spreading rumors and hatred. Since the negativity towards other people has free reins in his thoughts, it multiplies and pushes out all the positive things he could have said instead, hurting both his own outlook on the world and the people aroung him. Neither of these two people exist yet. But if I don't change my life, there is a very good chance that version 2 soon will. However, if I'm able to change my daily actions in another direction, i might instead be able to make myself into someone similar to version 1. It might not even take a year for me to change for the better. These two lists are only a part of the actual lists I've written down, some of the more important bullet points. I am going to keep expanding the two lists i've written, reading through them every single day. I am certain that this will help keeping me motivated. I really don't want to become version 2. He sounds like a douche. Also, I realise that these two lists makes it seem like I think being in a relationship is all about enjoying sex. I know of course that that isn't the case. I love my girlfriend a lot and I really enjoy her company. I've just become aware that watching pornography might have a quite large impact on my sex life. I am quite sure the first 10 days will be the hardest part of this journey, since I have so much spare time. When I start studying again, I will be able to stay in the library studying without the ability to play on my computer. I will be able to spend more time with a group of friends from my study, forcing me away from my appartment and my pc. At least that is what I hope.